Looking for some opinions on weight issue..

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Reiver19, Dec 19, 2007.

  1. Reiver19

    Reiver19 Member

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    Hello All,

    I am writing because of something that is sort of bothering me and I wanted a few opinions. My wife has put a little weight on and I really want her to slim down to a weight she knows would be better for her in many ways:

    1.) Better for her health
    2.) Better for her self esteem
    3.) Better for our sex life.

    I lov\e my wife and will be with her no matter what, but I really am losing some attraction to her lately. She by no means has a porn star type body or is super slim or anything like that. She is a bit thicker, with a larger frame......big muscular legs, wide shoulders and probably about 5'4". But that is fine, I love her body.....well, would love her body more if she would lose some weight and tone up. It is affecting our sex life because I am not attracted as much.....I am even strting to find myself fantasizing about other women! Which is a no-no....or at least should be. I should be fantasizing about my wife!

    Anyway, my problem is she has put a little more weight on and now has basically flabby arms and some rolls in her gut. I don't mind the arms, but the gut she is sporting is a bit.....well, disgusting.

    We both have gym memberships and I have done some perosnal training. The problem is she, like most people, wants the results but just doesn't know how to work at them. Whenever I try to push her she gives up!......it is so frustrating.....she gets mad at me when I try to push her.

    Anyway, I think there is a way to be a spin doctor and take this current situation that is not desireable (her weight gain) and turn it into a positive in our marraige.

    So, in oyour opinion, what is the b est way to approach this situation?

    I want my wife to lose 20 lbs and tone up........for her, for me, for us
     
  2. Tristessa

    Tristessa New Member

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    Your wife has to want to lose the weight to lose the weight. And I don't mean just a mental notion somewhere that losing weight would be nice . . she has to be committed to losing it and all that it entails.

    That said, have you considered the possibility that you may be unwittingly contributing to the problem? Although I'm pretty sure you haven't said so to her face, you label part of her current body "disgusting" here and that surely comes across to her in other ways, like lack of interest in sex. Also her response to pushing her to work out makes me think she's bothered by your approach. She may feel this sort of reaction from you negatively, and lower esteem makes the weight loss process even harder. You probably mean well, but the tone you take could have a different reception from her.

    I speak from experience, by the way . . I put on some lbs after a surgery, and my ex was a total asshole about it, though he swears he didn't mean to be. His "help" only pissed me off, because it wasn't constructive and made me feel worse about myself. I put in the time at the gym - for myself, not for him - and lost the weight. I seriously worked out though, one hour 5 days a week, swimming and/or spinning.

    Did she put on the weight quickly? If so, is there a reason for it, like depression? That would explain the reluctance in losing it, as well . . even though exercise is great when you're feeling down, it's usually also the last thing you want to do. I'd talk with her first to make sure she's happy and there's not an underlying emotional issue contributing to the problem.

    So what can you do to help? Well, if you're serious about wanting to help for her sake and not just yours, be proactively supportive. Offer to take on some of the cooking (if you don't already) and cook some healthy meals. Bring her glasses of water without making a big deal of it. Find healthy alternates for any junk food you keep around the house, and replace it. Find a nice park to take evening walks in, go swimming, or get bikes and go cycling together. Don't make it about the exercise and her weight, make it about being active together and do something fun. Good for your marriage, good for both of your health. Maybe join a class or two at the gym and encourage friendship between her and the other people there . . and maybe she'll keep going when you quit :tongue:. A lot of women prefer company or distractions when they work out, makes it feel easier to keep going.
     
  3. honeydew

    honeydew New Member

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    Tristessa has given some great advice. I work in Sportsmedicine and have found in the 20 years of doing this, sometimes it is best if the sppouse did not become the fitness instructor. It spills over into the daily grind and can get nasty. Perhaps approach it as mentioned. Initiate a walk in the area and actually focus on her and not the exercise. Talk, hold hands etc,. You will find that things can slowly turn around if you do not push her. Perhaps if she wants to work out, get her a fitness instructor of her choice and support her in any effort she makes at working out.
    Your idea of a workout may not be anything to what she thinks is a workout, hence the aggravation on her part.
    Hope this helps some. Good luck.

    Honeydew
     
  4. snoozan

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    For God's sake, this is your wife. I can't imagine you're making her feel any better about herself with your attitude.

    If a 20 pound weight gain is the only thing you have to deal with in your marriage, thank God. This is a trivial matter. If you can't look past this and let her come to terms with it herself, you shouldn't be married.

    Do you not remember your wedding vows?
     
  5. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    Having more sex may be the answer to your problems!!
    Sex uses every muscle in the body and is a great cardiovascular aerobic
    exercise.
    Buy her a nice lacey teddy, some flowers, try dimming the lights and put her on top for reverse cowgirl (or positions that make her put in the bulk of the effort).
    It will help her self esteem issues because your making love more often, and your being more attentive and seeing her as a desirable woman!!
    When a woman feels more desired she does her darnest to look good for her man. It's really a win win situation.
     
  6. jack65

    jack65 New Member

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    Hello

    Reiver19, my dear, dear, wife is not what she used to be in the looks department any more and for that mater nethier am I.

    But when i look at her what i see is more then a body, i see her, the girl i fell in love with apart from the outward body shape, i mean if i was looking for her in the shop then yes i look for her shape and features but when alone or just in a family setting it is the inward person that i see,( does that sound silly?)which is rather diffrent to the outward apperance. this goes right down to sex too, if your have sex for the sake of sex then the pounds will be shown up, if your having sex because it is a expersion of your love for her i think you'll find the pounds while there don't matter as much and you will not think its disgusting.

    Having said that the girls have given you some good advice about how to handel it, my only thought would be to see her for what she is ( some one that loves you so much that she is willing to be your wife)
    This will stop the "but I really am losing some attraction to her lately" stuff so you can make it about her and her health not you and your visual needs of her.

    Thank You.
     
  7. Mr. Snakey

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    Love and support her for who she is and how she looks. Go easy and dont push her too hard.
     
  8. D_Marvin Meatthistle

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    Quick question, how would you feel if you wife felt this way about you? If you have noticed her weight gain I'm sure she has too and she probably isn't too happy with it. If you make an effort, make her feel sexy and special as she is now, maybe her mindset will change and she will stick with the gym. If you don't like your body and neither does you partner, its not the best motivator to try and make changes.
     
  9. earllogjam

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    This is very level headed advice, Tristessa. Thanks. Sounds like you have been through this yourself.

    It is easier loosing weight living with someone day to day with great eating and exercise habits and just adopting them for yourself. It's about a sustainable lifestyle in the end anyways. Who wants to feel like they are on a diet for the rest of their life?
     
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