Things are not always as they seem. Indeed Turkey is on the surface a very macho and homophobic culture. However Turkish men are more likely than any other ethnic group in Europe to have sex with other men. A top doesn't consider himself gay, submissive males who are bottoms are labeled, gay. Call it hypocrasy but thats how it has always been in Turkish culture. The family loses face if they have an openly active man indulging in homosexual acts; the truth is if you are married you will occasionally fuck younger submissive guys, but it is never spoken about. To be kicked out of a friend's home indicates to me he is no friend but a worthless person of low manners.
Losing Friend Due to Homosexuality
- Thread starter lopo2000
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Thanks legna!
Yes, I'm hoping for my life to be better, and I know it will. I have always heard that. I really would like to see this happening in front of my eye. It'd be interesting.
avatarng
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scottredleter
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It may just be a shock to his system that he didn't know how to reply to... You have given him an opportunity to grow and that isn't always easy. But f not, you will always know that you gave him that chance. sometimes people never know what they think of these things because it's so easy to ignore it even exists. Now he knows it does.
Lex
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- Lex,
People who stop being your friend when they learn of your orientation were never your friends. The friends I still have now after coming out several years ago are what I cherish as I know our bond is true. The other, former, friends, really weren't. I know its tough, but this will get easier over time.
I am sorry you got hurt. Sadly, most people who act as though they are our friends really aren't. If you have two or three true friends in life, you have been truly blessed.
- sdbg,
Hey Lopo: Sorry to hear what happened. This week marks 4 years that I went to visit a friend in Washington. He ended up dropping me because I told him that back in the '90s I had a crush on him. We had been drinking and you know how it is said that alcohol is the "truth serum"? I made it quite clear that I wasn't hitting on him, but just remembering how it was when we hung out. As someone else mentioned, he wasn't really a true friend anyway. I just didn't find out until 15 years later! Time heals all. You'll get over it. Good luck.
I am grateful that I have some close friends and several best-friends (yes, we can have more than 1 best friend ). But it's still a bummer when we have to know another one just to lose it again...
And I'm sorry for what you've been through sdbg, it sucks. It truly does. And I'm positive that I can move on as you did.
). But it's still a bummer when we have to know another one just to lose it again...And I'm sorry for what you've been through sdbg, it sucks. It truly does. And I'm positive that I can move on as you did.
I'm sorry to hear about what's happened to you and you have my sympathy. I had a similar situation a few years ago when I was outed. I lost quite a few friends who I had previously been very close to. With some people, it's the shock of finding out and also the fear that other people will think they too are gay because they were your friend. There's also a sense of betrayal because you didn't trust them enough to tell them before.
The thing is it's still all very fresh. Your friend probably feels shocked and hurt and is not dealing with the situation yet. Give him time and he may come round to the realisation that you're still the same person he was close to before. The only difference is that he now knows more about you. OK, he may never get his head round the idea that you can still be friends, but give it time and give him space. If you see him in the street be polite, say hello, but don't put any pressure on him to talk or be friendly.
I suppose the hardest part is that, right now, you both need your closest friend, but the situation keeps you apart. I hope it works out for you.
- Acem,
There really isn't much more that I can add that hasn't been said already. However, you did say that you already knew that he was homophobic before...and that it didn't bother you. So I guess my question is why...why did it not bother you, and why did you continue being friends with him -- know that he had a homophobic mindset? Not to sound critical, but from what you described, you should have known how he'd react once you told him the truth. He was honest about where he stood.
I think that's why *early* on in friendships, it's best to throw it out there that you're gay, and see how the ball bounces before you invest too much time and emotion into it. If they can handle it, the friendship gets elevated to the next step and there's little issue. If they can't, well nice knowing you.
I think that's why *early* on in friendships, it's best to throw it out there that you're gay, and see how the ball bounces before you invest too much time and emotion into it. If they can handle it, the friendship gets elevated to the next step and there's little issue. If they can't, well nice knowing you.
Thanks Viking UK, that's very nice of you. I think he'll come around if he's meant to be.
Actually I didn't tell him, he found out. I would never tell I'm gay to anyone unless he's gay or it's my female friend.
It did not bother me because me being gay is not a part of our friendship. Without him knowing I'm gay doesn't affect my friendship to him and it was still really wonderful. That's I never bother that he's homophobic, because putting homophobia aside, he's a really really really great friend. I value him so much. Man, I love him and I miss him. But what can I do, life goes on.
I think he'll come around if he's meant to be. Actually I didn't tell him, he found out. I would never tell I'm gay to anyone unless he's gay or it's my female friend.
It did not bother me because me being gay is not a part of our friendship. Without him knowing I'm gay doesn't affect my friendship to him and it was still really wonderful. That's I never bother that he's homophobic, because putting homophobia aside, he's a really really really great friend. I value him so much. Man, I love him and I miss him. But what can I do, life goes on.
B_Nick4444
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My heart breaks when I read your story Lopo. Good friends are hard to come by, at least for me and to have lost one because of your homosexuality is like being rejected from the very core of your being.
I don't know what the answer is to make things better. If you find out let me know. I guess the best way to avoid another situation like this is to be up front of your gayness but then that's always easier said than done when trying to make new friend who happen to be straight.
I don't know what the answer is to make things better. If you find out let me know. I guess the best way to avoid another situation like this is to be up front of your gayness but then that's always easier said than done when trying to make new friend who happen to be straight.
D_Petherick_Poundlouder
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Good friends are very hard to come by. Once a friend came out to me. Didn't effect anything between us...Well, beside the fact that I wasn't going to be hanging out with all his gay friends like that.
Wow this is such a sad story, I'm really sorry for you Lopo, I do recall you mentioning this guy when you got back from your trip in a thread down in Et Cetera, you seemed very excited.
I can sympathise with you, loosing a friend is sometimes extremely heartbreaking, especially if you felt something more than platonic feelings for them. He was very cruel to kick you out of his house, whatever his reasons were he should have treated you with more respect.
I hope you don't end up feeling like you have to hide your sexuality more because of this, you should be proud of who you are, and real friends will be proud of who you are too.
I can sympathise with you, loosing a friend is sometimes extremely heartbreaking, especially if you felt something more than platonic feelings for them. He was very cruel to kick you out of his house, whatever his reasons were he should have treated you with more respect.
I hope you don't end up feeling like you have to hide your sexuality more because of this, you should be proud of who you are, and real friends will be proud of who you are too.
I think the best way to look at it is that if he doesn't come round and accept you for who you are, it's his loss. If he does, you both win.
From my own experience, some people handle it better than others. There are people who haven't spoken to me in over 15 years, and who will only acknowledge me when they have to, but others have become even closer friends. Some had a hard time dealing with it, but after a while, we became friends again. Time will tell how it will work out between you and this man.
From my own experience, some people handle it better than others. There are people who haven't spoken to me in over 15 years, and who will only acknowledge me when they have to, but others have become even closer friends. Some had a hard time dealing with it, but after a while, we became friends again. Time will tell how it will work out between you and this man.
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What an awesome outlook to take away from a situation like this. I can of couse relate (and hell, I think most gay people can) as most of my friends as teenagers were pretty religious and I at some point fully expected them to reject me. It hurt, but friends that have those sort of conditional terms on your relationship are NOT really friends. Good for you, man.
You are right Viking, time will tell. If there's one thing I learnt from my experience, it's that. I also realize that friends who stay friends until today to me are the ones who've known me gay and then accepted it. The friends I lost are either the one who don't know (because probably they get a gay vibe from me and then feel uncomfortable) or those who knew then they did this.
g_whiz, yeah, I learnt it when one of my friends said, "how is rejecting yourself any worse than others rejecting you?" Then it hit me, maybe I'm very hurt and very often unhappy because I was the one who told myself not to pursue something. And I totally feel for the gays who have been rejected. And thanks again.
g_whiz, yeah, I learnt it when one of my friends said, "how is rejecting yourself any worse than others rejecting you?" Then it hit me, maybe I'm very hurt and very often unhappy because I was the one who told myself not to pursue something. And I totally feel for the gays who have been rejected. And thanks again.
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