Losing Your Best Friend to Marriage

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by earllogjam, Aug 13, 2007.

  1. earllogjam

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    Has anybody figured out a way to keep a lifelong friendship after they marry someone who has no redeming qualities and you have grown to despise - someone that, to put it bluntly, you HATE?
     
  2. SpoiledPrincess

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    Never criticise their partner, if they want to have a moan to you about their partner never make the mistake of thinking they want you to join in. Arrange to see them away from the partner, being friends with someone doesn't mean you have to be friends with their partner. If you do happen to see their partner occasionally try to treat them as you do people you work with who you dislike, we can all get along with people we despise if we have to. It's like anything, we like our friends but we don't have to like everything they like. If the person is as terrible as you think their marriage won't last long in any case.
     
  3. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    Jealous much?

    If you are his friend, have faith in his decision and be happy that he felt happy enough with her to marry her.
     
  4. SpoiledPrincess

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    Sometimes I don't think it's jealousy when we hate a close friends new man/woman, we can sometimes see them more objectively. My very best friend who I've known since we were both four and who is still my best friend married a man I felt an instinctive dislike for him which I never mentioned to her because I didn't want to be the one to come between them and I had nothing but a feeling on which to base my dislike. They later had a child and their marriage ended when she discovered he had been sexually abusing their child and it came out that he was a shit in other ways which my friend had hidden for reasons of pride and not wanting to admit she made a bad choice. It can be jealousy but it's not always.
     
  5. earllogjam

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    Well, I got along well with all the other boyfriend's he has had - even the serious ones so I don't think it's jealosy on my part. If anything it is his partner who has alienated many of my buddy's circle friends and is driving them away.

    I just have a instinctive dislike for his partner that he married from the day we met. I don't say anything good or bad about his mate which must speak volumes in terms of how I feel about him. It has eroded our friendship. It just isn't easy or fun anymore so I am letting it wither on the vine thru neglect.


    I do occassionally do things alone with my friend but the conversation is always strained because his partner is such a big part of his life and it is awkward excluding him from any meaningful conversation. The talk gets superficial and we just have this odd conversations like we are strangers talking about the weather or current events.

    I realize that people grow and not everything stays the same but I lament loosing this friendship - something that has been a comfort and constant for so long.
     
  6. Principessa

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    I don't hate any of my gf's husbands. I just find them boring and in one case, too ugly to look at. :biggrin1: Worse their daughter looks like him! She's 9 now and starting to look like her mom, thank God! Those first 5 years were rough, I could barely look at my best friends first born. :redface:
     
  7. canlaek

    canlaek New Member

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    everybody and everything thing changes...my former bud been married twice..got along fine w/ first wife..the secound bride has taken over completely...no sign of his great personality...when we do talk and thats not often it's strained an uncomfortable..the whole situation just hurts me..it is not easy letting go..
     
  8. TheWB

    TheWB New Member

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    well if he's really your friend, and he's happy, then u should be happy for him and chill the fuck out...
     
  9. invisibleman

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    If you don't like the best friend's hubby, you don't have to be around him. You can be a best friend and you don't have to put up with the hubby.

    There are other potential friends out there. You can put up with the friend in the meantime.
     
  10. B_beltboy

    B_beltboy New Member

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    I was inconsolable when my bf was getting married. And the thing is, I like his wife, so heaven knows what state I would have been in had I hated her.

    I was so depressed, and felt hollow for days leading up to the wedding. I got over it, but it was difficult....
     
  11. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    This has happened to me many times. Most of my friends are now married. They become very absorbed with their wives. After he has his first kid, our "buddy" relationship officially ends. I shouldn't have to make an appointment 2 weeks in advance to have a beer with a friend, especially if he has to call his wife every half hour.

    I am glad that they seem to be happy. Unfortunately most marriages end in divorce, so befriending the wife is something that I avoid -- I don't want to be forced to choose sides during disputes or divorces.

    I had a buddy who I used to joke about minivans with. Now he owns one.
     
  12. D_Harry_Crax

    D_Harry_Crax Account Disabled

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    Oh, God, what a question to bring up! I have disliked or been completely uninterested in almost every wife, husband, or partner of almost every friend I've ever had, especially in the case of my agnostic or atheist male friends who ended up marrying essentially fundamentalist Protestant wives, if you can believe it!
     
  13. Not_Punny

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    Trust your instincts, Earllogjam. Keep enough distance so that you're comfortable, but be there to pick up the pieces.
     
  14. nudeyorker

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    If you figure it out let me know the secret! My best friend from undergrad and I have become more distant in the last 8 years he has been with his F**ktard BF! I've tried to keep him as a friend. I have given Acadamy Award peformances acting like I like the BF, sent cards left messages. Always friendly and upbeat.Have been told by my friend that messages were deleted and he did not get them(WTF I said..since when is that OK) this is the only time I have ever disparaged the BF) I have called and written with no response!
    July 4th left last phone message!
    Sad loosing a friend,but you have to let go if you want to heal and move on!
    sorry you are going through it too!
     
  15. earllogjam

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    Canlaek, I'm going thru the same thing. His personality has not really changed much but our once easy relationship is now non-existant because I don't get along with his spouse. I am pretty much excluded from his new social circle which for the most part is made up of his partner's friends who I, not suprisingly, have nothing in common.

    I've had this friendship since the 4th grade. I don't think I will find another friend like him again in my life. On the bright side, even during spells when we lived very far apart and lost contact for a few years, when we met again it was if all that time apart didn't exist. We quickly fell into a familiar groove like lifelong friends do. He is like a brother to me.

    I have some friends who have married and now have kids but I still keep a friendship, although it includes being more like an uncle to their kids which I enjoy as I get older.


    Sorry you are going through this too, Nudeyorker. I know how you feel. I have been the victim of vicious pettiness and sabotage also.

    I think on some level the new spouse must feel threatened by my friendship. Although it is platonic, I can see how it can incite jealousy being such good friends since grade school and all.

    Eh, love is blind. No use lamenting a situation I can't change. All I know is that he will always be a brother to me. And my door will always be open to him, always.
     
  16. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I say be patient. I think your friend will come around. My best friend from elementary school married a guy a few years back... when they first met, I liked him. He seemed like a great guy. But the truth slowly started leaking out... he's not really abusive to her in any way, but he does nothing to make her feel special either. She finally got so fed up that she started standing up for herself and doing things that she hadn't done in years (like going out.) Our friendship is great now, and we went from seeing each other once every few months to once a week. Their relationship is still rocky, and I have a feeling it won't last... and of course I'll be there for her if/when it ends and she needs me. So just be patient. And if it makes you feel better, you might say something to your friend. Try not to be mean and just outright say that you hate his husband... but just say, "Ya know, I miss you... it seems like ever since you and _______ got married/starting dating, we haven't really been the same and I miss that." Then the ball is in his court... let him decide what to do. Losing friends sucks. I've had it happen. But sometimes it's for the best, and sometimes it doesn't last forever either. I had a really close friend for about 9 or 10 years and we had a falling out... didn't talk to her for 4 years. One day I found her brother on MySpace, and he sent me her phone number... and she and I picked up from where we left off, and it's never been better between us! Just have faith... and trust that everything happens the way it's supposed to. :smile:
     
  17. earllogjam

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    Thanks Meg. :smile:
     
  18. IntoxicatingToxin

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    You're welcome, handsome. :biggrin:
     
  19. Principessa

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    One of my best male friends married a female back in 2001 who systematically cut all his old friends out of his life . . .unless they earned over $100K per annum or had wealthy parents. :mad: Needless to say his babe from Bath, England screwed him over royally. She cheated on him. The divorce became final in 2005. The old gang is back and we now affectionately call his ex-wife the "British Bitch." Did I mention when we called she'd say he was out and never give him the message. Why are we still his friends? Because thats what friends do. :smile:


    That wasn't at all helpful. :mad: Maybe you can g
    et back to us in a few years when your friends start getting married. :rolleyes:
     
  20. B_cyrus

    B_cyrus New Member

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    It sucks because you know they're most likely going to choose the spouse over you. Some people have no conception of "bros before ho's."
     
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