Well, I'm not sure having this discussion will actually change anything. The problem is with me and his spouse. I've been best friends with him for over half of my life, and many things we just understand without any conversation. He knows the situation well and has chosen his spouse over his circle of old friends, can't blame him for that. That is his decision and I respect that....
At this point in our friendship I don't have the will or inclination to continue any contact with him as it is just so awkward. And on some level I feel betrayed.
I spent a lot of time thinking about this last night. On reflection, I should have been more honest and gone into more detail. The more I read of what you've previously posted here, it dawned on me I was being perhaps too
facile.
If you can't blame him and respect his decision then you have no right to feel betrayed. Sounds like you have a lot of heartache trying to make yourself believe something you don't truly feel. Confront your anger and forget trying to understand anything at this point. You think I wasn't angry or disappointed? Didn't spend
years wondering what I did to fuck it all up? I loved this guy and he didn't love me any more. That's traumatic no matter how you consider it and it takes time to work through it all.
People get married and they go through a period where they think letting the spouse outrank all other people
in every area of life is what married people do. Part of it is reassuring themselves that they are married, another part is trying to fulfill an ideal. Relationships that don't go beyond this stage aren't happy ones because nobody can be everything to anyone forever. Whether your friend's husband realizes it or not, and as has been pointed out by a wise soul, I wager there's jealousy. An attempt by the husband to keep you away out of insecurity. Whether you realize it or not, you're a very handsome man. You're outgoing, kind, and have a good sense of who you are. I'm not surprised your friend's husband is jealous or fearful. Nor am I surprised that you feel marginalized. Jealousy works both ways.
All I know is that he will always be a brother to me. And my door will always be open to him, always.
That about says it all though doesn't it? Is this the same guy you'd go around testing lawns with your bare feet? The same guy who was proud of you for leading those scouts out of the woods?
As I see it, you've got two choices. Either suffer in silence or work to continue the relationship. Pop a Xanax, call your friend, and get together. Tell him how you feel and why. I could have done that,
should have done that, but didn't because it was too awkward. Part of me was blaming myself and another part of me felt like this is how things were supposed to be. I was wrong on both counts. If this guy is worth the honesty, and he sounds like he is, then don't let what would never gone unspoken before go unspoken now.
It sucks being a gay or bi guy with married friends of the same sex. There's always an unspoken fear in the spouse that you two might become romantically involved; a question of sexual attraction. If you really want awkward, try telling your friend's spouse that you're a friend and a friend only and have no designs or desires for your friend beyond the same friendship you've enjoyed for years. It takes some serious hairy hangers to do that but I felt I had to. It nearly made me throw-up but I went and did it anyway. Half way into the conversation the spouse lightened-up considerably, relaxed, actually smiled, and all the while I was being told that such a thing wasn't a concern, body language was telling me something completely different. As I saw it, in the current situation, I had nothing to lose. Either I was going to lose a friend or else I was going to confront the situation and work it out. If my actions helped, then great. If my actions were wrong, then I wasn't losing anything I hadn't already lost. The realization that I had to act terrified me. In the end, the tension between myself and the spouse loosened considerably.
It's an old chestnut and a very true chestnut. Life is too short. That's a big consideration when gay or bi people decide to come out. If you can do that then you can do this. None of us are so perfect that we don't need friends to tell us when things aren't right. If the level of trust between you two is what you say it is, then you don't have much choice. He may not come around now, or he may. Whatever he decides, you'll have stated your position, he will know how important he is to you, and even if he walks out he'll know that you still love him and, he will know, as you say, your, "...door will always be open to him, always." Sometimes our friends disappoint us. If your friend is really your friend, no matter what his immediate reaction is, those words will mean the world to him in the long run. He may just need time to come around to them. From what I've read, you're a
good man and despite your anger, frustration, disapointment-- despite everything, give him that grace. From what I've read from you, I know you can.
Somewhere in your life as a gay man you decided not to let convention silence the truth. Gather your strength and do that again. Don't live with the same regret I did with my best friend. Regret of that magnitude is a cancer I don't wish upon anyone.