Losing your virginity

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Smooth88, May 22, 2008.

  1. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    I am a very straight 19 year old male who wants to lose his viriginity but doesnt really know how to go about sex. I was molested when I was 9 so I do have intimacy problems. I just want advice to go about losing it. None of my female freidns have said they are attracted to me in any way. I dont want to lose it on a random hook-up wih somebody I dont even know. I just need advice because this is a big pressure and stressor on me probably because I have this deep down fear that I'm unattractive and nobody will like me and want me.

    Any serious advice is helpful.
     
  2. 8060

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    Hey, smooth88,

    I've been wondering how you've been since the last time we chatted. I'm sorry that I haven't gotten back to you. Here's my advice: You should view your virginity as something special, not to be given away lightly. Your body is a vessel & you will only get one. Love it. I would say that because of your past experience with intimacy that your virginity should be given to someone that will treat you & the wellspring of your life with the utmost respect & constant consideration.

    Please do not walk into this decision lightly. It something that you will never forget. Make sure that you want to lose your virginity for the right reasons. Don't do it just to be like everybody else or because you're lookin' for something that you don't even have clarification on. Being uncommon is an extraordinary thing & worth holdin' on. With that being said, take the time & enjoy getting to know someone, letting them get to know you; the REAL YOU, not a representative. You don't want to give your virginity someone that you've lied to or haven't been completely honest with, not necessarily lied to. Take your time; don't rush into it. Please THINK! You only have one shot at this. That's it...for now.

    Peace
     
  3. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    I've actually wanted to lose it for a long time but I've never been able to get to that point with a girl. And I don't want to force it but sometimes I feel like I have to if I'm ever gonna get anywhere. I know women have all of the power in sexual relationships so I feel powerless. I dont feel like anyone wants me and I don't want to wait any longer.
     
  4. erratic

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    Hey,

    I was in your situation at your age - abused as a kid, worried no one would want me, not happy being a virgin.

    Ultimately, my best advice to you would be to remember it takes time and effort to have a rewarding sexual relationship. Before working on losing your virginity I suggest you find a woman you can be honest with and attracted to. Work from there. There are a lot of steps, but with a good foundation they're more fun than work.

    Good luck, dude.
     
  5. 8060

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    If you think that women have all of the power, then tip the scale. You don't have to be manipulated. Make them come to you. If you feel like you need a physical change, then make one. A change in personality, then recreate yourself. You can do whatever you want to do. Play your own game. This goes back to what we spoke about the last time. When you find yourself desirable, others will to. They'll flock to you. You're a smart guy. Don't get antsy because it hasn't happened. You want to enjoy it don't you?

    Whatever you decide to do, make certain to be safe; guard your own life. You need a tangible friend, Smooth. Something more than what we all are to you.
     
  6. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    I do. At this point I just want someone to show me the ropes and how to please a woman and just someone to be close with and that I can confide it. It's a problem that I'm not very confident, I'm shy, I'm very emotional and I have a hard time attracting and getting close with people.
     
  7. elgrande

    elgrande Member

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    Hey man. You know, this "virgin anxiety" is probably a direct consequence of some unresolved issues. I know this from experience because I am a diagnosed Obsessive-Compulsive. From my very first ejaculation at about 12 until about 2 years ago, when I was 18, I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of my own semen.

    I dreaded masturbating and would put it off for as long as I could, and of course, I had never had sex. The sole thought of having to ejaculate after intercourse made me sick, literally. These 6 years were very dark and the whole situation just fuck-awful. My own mother is a psychologist but obviously, I didn't feel comfortable sharing that particularly personal phobia with her; as for my father, he divorced my mother when I was 10 months old, and we are very, very, very estranged.

    It wasn't until I went away for college and started sharing an apartment with other guys, that I realized I needed help. They were getting laid like rabbits and I was all alone. So, I did it: I sought the help I needed and started going to therapy. Two years and half later, I'm proud to say that not only have I had several sexual partners but most of them have been actual girlfriends and not just one-night stands of simple fuck buddies. I lost my virginity at 18 going on 19, and I was the very last one in my very large group of close friends.
     
  8. MrGoodDate

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    I think there are some loving single women out there who want to date and want a man -- they want intimacy and marriage. Get into the right social circles. I have found girls give out lots of signals. When you find a nice woman; date her; give her a good time; and make some commitment-- at least dating steady. Women love to be complimented.. tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is, and never stop. With hugging and kissing, you will get turned on and so will she. Time will come when you are touching each other in the right places... perhaps even cumming.
    Just say,,, I really want to make love to you.... let her know.
    Then find a private place (a motel room or your house alone) so you will not be disturbed. Invite her to shower with you....
    The rest will come naturally.
    Use a condom. Use some KY jelly. Keep telling her how wonderful she is.
     
  9. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    Yea you may be right. I'm just starting to tell people I was molested when I was young and that I was abused by my mother. Thats why I have so many problems with women I guess. I'm 19 going on 0 and everyone around me is getting laid and I'm the last one im my group to lose their virginity too. I guess I have major virgin anxiety because I'm very anxious and nervous about it. Once i just do it and find a good, lasting partner I shouldn't have as many problems. I've been in therapy since I was 13-14 but I'm just beginning to understand my problems. I come here with my problems because my friends don't necessarily know how to deal with me.
     
  10. elgrande

    elgrande Member

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    "I come here with my problems because my friends don't necessarily know how to deal with me."

    Yeah, I had the same problem. First of all, as you may understand, I was absolutely embarrased to say anything about my issue(s). You know, it's not an everyday thing that you find a freak who is literally terrified of his own cum. Then, when I started asking questions like "hey, for how long do you wash your hands when you happen to touch your cum?", they all were more than a little freaked out and didn't really know what to do.

    You know, I used to think the same thing as you, that I was doomed and that I would never be happy because I would never be able to get over that crippling fear and of course, because of that I would never be able to have sex and love and be loved by a girl. I even considered suicide, which I would later learn is pretty common for people with OCD.

    But it's all in the past now. So, don't you dare to stop going to therapy; I can tell you that I'm living proof that it actually works.
     
  11. 8060

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    Real friends will accept the best & worse things about you. You have a mature mind but you're in a young stage in life. I found people that I was attracted to for frienships & decided to tell them the worse things about myself. From their reactions is how I determined which ones of them were worth keeping around. Real friends are empathetic with you. They put themselves in your shoes. If they're not willing to do that for you, then keep lookin'.

    Finding real love, be it romantic or platonic, is awesome. When you share yourself with someone, those are the things that turns your weakness into your strength & enable you to handle or accomplish anything. Keep truckin'. Don't let your frustration get the best of you. Be MORE than the shit in your life that gets you down or gets on your nerves. It gets easier.
     
  12. elgrande

    elgrande Member

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    Most of the times it's not that they actually don't want to help, it's just they don't know how. And when things are delicate issues like yours, or even mine (which I don't even intend to compare to your ordeal because next to it, it may seem like a walk in the park), it's even more difficult to do so.
     
  13. 8060

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    So true. You have to keep looking for the people that are strong enough to be your friends and handle your life. All that you can do is understand that they don't "understand" you and keep searching for someone that does. Even if it's one person out of a million.
     
  14. Stephenmass

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    If you think ALL the 19 year olds have lost their virginity think again. While many have, quite a few have not. I agree with 8060.

    Don't just give it away for the sake of losing it. Make it a special day, one you will not forget when you find someone special to share that gift with.

    I was one of the last in my group I think to lose my virginity. Used to think the same way as you too. While I love sex, I love it much more when the person is right.

    Be patient. It will happen on it's own and when you are ready.
     
  15. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    I just get afraid if even if I find the right person it wont happen.
     
  16. Longjohn777p

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    man, it doesnt matter if people around you are having sex... you should go off having sex cause every1 else is doing it. when you feel ready you'll do it. we had a messed up childhood, and once you find somebody you can trust in a relationship they will take time and understand.
     
  17. elgrande

    elgrande Member

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    It will man, it will!
     
  18. Jovial

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    It's kind of hard to "diagnosis" your "problem" if that is how we are looking at it because we don't have enough details. Do you date and kiss girls, but just don't have sex? Or do you date girls, but never make a move to even kiss them? Or are you even afraid to ask girls out or approach them?

    Like others said, it's helpful if you can talk to someone you trust that was in a similar situation.

    And you say you fear intimacy, but what you don't realize is so do most people! Look at how many people have to get drunk to socialize or have sex. I used to think I feared intimacy, but since I started opening up more to people, I find that they are the ones that are uncomfortable talking about their thoughts and feelings.
     
  19. assman69

    assman69 New Member

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    I believe male virginity is much more common than people think. Case in point: Near the end of my senior year in high school, our class went on this weekend outing. Me and the five other guys rooming together discussed some pretty intimate details of our lives. It turns every single one of them was a virgin, which really shocked me. One guy had fingered a couple girls, and three of us had kissed at least one, but that was it. These guys weren't the least bit ugly or asocial either. In fact, two of them I would describe as quite handsome, and three of them were on the football team, while one was in lacrosse.

    I don't know how much things changed for them in university, but if my experience is any indication, then not much has. It's certainly nothing like the movies, where every guy seemingly just stumbles into pussy. I think it takes much more effort than that. If you pay close attention, you'll notice that even the lotharios have to spend hours conversing with and entertaining the objects of their affection. You just never hear about it, so perhaps you assume they have something you don't. I'm sure if you act more gregarious and get involved, then something will happen eventually.
     
  20. Smooth88

    Smooth88 New Member

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    I have dated and tried to date girls before. I have kissed to girls and gotten head from one of them but never all the way. That being said its been three years since I last kissed a girl. So I've been getting discouraged and all of my dealings with women makes it feel like noone wants me. I'm a very serious person and I cant tell the difference between just flirting and if they seriously like me.

    I do notice I'm able to talk about my feeling and issues while other people cant. I just want to find someone I'm extremely comfortable with and I think I have except shes celibate and saving herself for marraige and I plan to respect her wishes. But I have my needs too. So I dunno.
     
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