Love and Marriage - freely after Sinatra

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by BruceSter, May 18, 2005.

  1. BruceSter

    BruceSter New Member

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    Hello Ladies,

    I'm very interested in your point about this. Maybe some of you already realized this, that I often refer to my steady as my "l/f" in my posts, as (maybe the one or other has already thought so) "l/f" stands for lady friend.

    Now the problem is the following. We have been steady for a little over a year now, which is actually a record mark for me, my previous relationships have never endured longer than a few weeks, if you could talk of a relationship in the classical sense at all. So at this point, I'm getting a little nervous.

    Don't understand me wrong, it's not that I have doubts about the time we will still have together, or that I sense a break-up coming at us, but recently I found myself thinking about such fuzzy cozy things like marriage and family, and about us, and got a little nervous, since there is a significant age difference. Maybe someone who read about this in the Cougar thread also caught the hint at her age, she's in her early forties (41, since recently to be exact).

    It's not important, she isn't pushing me, and neither am I pushing her towards tightening up our affair. However, we are pretty tight already. But the question remains... when she starts talking about marriage and family too, what should I do?


    Bruce
     
  2. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

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    If it's something that you are the least bit interested in doing with her, jump on in the conversation. Now might be a good time to express any concerns before/if it gets way too serious and leads down that path.
     
  3. ItsJustMe

    ItsJustMe New Member

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    Be honest with her on how you feel about the subject. Don't sugarcoat it and don't say what you think will make her happy or what you think she wants to hear because that'll backfire eventually.

    You really sound like a great and caring guy. She's lucky.
     
  4. KinkGuy

    Gold Member

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    I know you wanted to hear from the "ladies" but hey, the (mostly) queer guy is weighing in on this. Get over it :D

    Talk about it all. Openly, honestly and like a man. You SHOULD be somewhat frightened by it all. Honest discussion and time resolves everything. Don't freak out.....you just might, maybe on the outside.....be falling in love. Yeow!
     
  5. naughty

    Gold Member

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    KInkguy,

    We will let you be an honorary one of the ladies! LOL! NO seriously I think that all of your have given our boy Bruce some wonderful advice. I think she is luck y to have you and you sound like you are lucky to have her. Dont be afraid. Real love comes around so seldom go for it even if the package isnt what you expected.


    naughty
     
  6. BruceSter

    BruceSter New Member

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    Thank you, ladies, for your advice... It's not urgent yet, but I want to be prepared when it becomes. That's just the same-old dialemma I'm in, between ratio and emotions, and I don't want to do something that I'll regret for the rest of my life.

    ItsJustMe:
    Sugarcoting isn't my style. I know she recognizes bullshit when it's served, so being open is the only alternative.

    Looks can be deceiving, can't they? *wink*


    KinkGuy:
    No problem about a response from a guy - but since I'm dealing with a lady, I wanted opinions of other ladies. Don't mind guys' advice tough.

    naughty:
    Sounds reasonable, Naughty - A lady like her IS a rare package, and I couldn't stand losing it.

    Thanks to all of you,
    Bruce
     
  7. thirteenbyseven

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    BruceSter, from another staight guy viewpoint: I am going through the same thing you are with a woman I've gone with for over a year and now living at my house. The subject of marriage seems to come up now with regularity, more often as the bio-chemical fluctuations surge at "that" time of the month. However, you and I are dis-similiar in that I am in my thirties and my g/f is 26; both of us are professionals in our respective fields.

    Have you completly analysed your relationship, honestly? Are you two relating as equals or are you an Ashton Kutcher/ Demi Moore boy toy? Who is dominate and who is subservient and who makes a preponderance of the relationship decisions? Finally, extrapolate 10 years down the road as she enters her fifties and the aging equation advances a decade. By that time your career is hitting its stride and the temptation for other women might make monoghamy ever so more difficult. Think about it.

    When I read your post it reminded me of my early twenties when I met the barracuda half of a lifestyle (swinging) couple. He was a well off little Casper Milktoast type from (coincidently) SoCal and she believed she was a queen bitch hottie of the planet who could get anything she wanted. Even though I don't have a subservient personality, late one evening she drifted over to me in a nudist jacuzzi at Hedonism II in a buzzed state. With glazed eyes and slurred speech she whispered, "Jesus, do you get any leg bruises with that thing?" About thirty seconds later I felt the tug from her hand pulling on it under the bubbles. "I want to see what this thing can REALLY do." At the time my philosophy was not different from a million other guys, an offer of pussy is never declined, not even from a hag who's face was morphing into a plastic surgery cat woman.

    Cut to back home in SoCal. Over the next couple of months she and I had something right out of the classic movie "The Graduate" excepting that her husband knew and generously said "please take my wife" and she didn't look as good as the 1967 version of Ann Bancroft. She also had a major big- time drinking habit which she masked as a sophisticated wine enophile. I quickly became her errand boy and general go-fer. My life consisted of driving 75 miles, each way, to and from their place while, at the same time, either trying to find find work (or go on to grad school.) I was exhausted, the sex wasn't that great, and I hated taking orders from her. One day I called the thing off, being subject to a virtual torrent of drunken insults over the phone. I'm not any woman's boy toy.

    That which you initially desire is frequently not as good once fulfilled.
     
  8. BruceSter

    BruceSter New Member

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    As I said, the Subject of marriage hasn't come up yet, I just want to be prepared when it happens. So far, we haven't moved into one home mainly because we want to keep the mental bindings over the physical ones (such as common apartment, etc.), avoiding messy scenes during an eventual parting.

    No, I'm definitely NOT her toy boy. The dominance changes, she was a little hesitant on taking the lead at the beginning, which is why I think I have a little more control over her than she has over me. Altogether, our relationship is something we both slip into, we don't take actual "decisions" on it, but let things happen as time passes along - that is also why I want to be prepared in case we slip into the marriage talk. And yes, in ten years I'll be 32 - but I think she'll be in a better position to adapt me than a woman my age.

    The main difference between that woman and my lady is that she is no hedonist or swinger. She's been married briefly 15 years ago, and since then has just had occasional flings of variable depth with other guys. I am her first real long-time relationship in over 15 years.

    By the way, she loves the "size talk" too, in bed... though I am somewhat shorter than 13/7.

    <!--QuoteBegin-thirteenbyseven
    @May 22 2005, 08:41 AM
    Cut to back home in SoCal. Over the next couple of months she and I had something right out of the classic movie "The Graduate" excepting that her husband knew and generously said "please take my wife" and she didn&#39;t look as good as the 1967 version of Ann Bancroft. She also had a major big- time drinking habit which she masked as a sophisticated wine enophile. I quickly became her errand boy and general go-fer. My life consisted of driving 75 miles, each way, to and from their place while, at the same time, either trying to find find work (or go on to grad school.) I was exhausted, the sex wasn&#39;t that great, and I hated taking orders from her. One day I called the thing off, being subject to a virtual torrent of drunken insults over the phone. I&#39;m not any woman&#39;s boy toy.

    That which you initially desire is frequently not as good once fulfilled.
    [post=313638]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/quote]

    Absolutely no similarity to The Graduate with us either - well, maybe except for the soundtrack, which we both love. And she isn&#39;t possessive over me either, which is something I really appreciate - during the week, our dates are rare and mostly just on special occasion, but we reserve the weekends for us. It somewhat surprised me too to find her taking it very easy that I eventually have to leave earlier if I have an exam the next day, what we miss on that day, we make up for on another.

    So altogether, I think we have a good relationship, I just have to get used to the thought of concreteering it by marrying.

    Bruce
     
  9. thirteenbyseven

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    BruceSter, you are one of the more cerebral and insightful members here, and I have no doubt that you will make the correct decision. Whether it&#39;s built in basic anthropological bias or my built in preferential bias, I haven&#39;t seen large numbers of age gap couples where the woman is considerable older than the man. The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes combination is widely viewed as acceptable whereas Sharon Stone and her latest twenty-something is viewed as highly unusual, and I suspect that is true here in Newport Beach or in Cleveland, Ohio (insert Cleveland joke.)

    Hey BruceSter, you may not be 13X7 but all the weight training in the world can&#39;t get me past 6&#39; 5" and "maybe 200 lbs. I was a swimmer and water volleyball player in high school. My g/f and I love those commercials with fitness guru John Bastow. The joke between us is "I &#39;m John Bastow and I was a 95 lb. weakling; now I&#39;m a 135 lb weakling." He looks to be about 5&#39; 7." ;)
     
  10. BruceSter

    BruceSter New Member

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    How did you guess Number Two on my "Celebs that I want to fuck before I die"-list (Sharon Stone)?

    I hope I will make the right decision. But then again, one of the advantages of this kind of age gap and my age is that I have plenty of opportunities after a break up (which I hope won&#39;t come&#33;).

    However, thanks for all of yours advice and insight.
    Bruce
     
  11. KinkGuy

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    Time. Give it time. What most of us are want to do is rush into the relationship, marriage, commitment too early for fear of losing what we already have. So far, there&#39;s no law saying you have a pre-determined amount of time to get engaged, married and procreate. Be open, honest and communicate. If you two really are "a match made in heaven" it will come to pass, but both of you require and should be entitled to the time necessary to adjust, really fall in love and grow accustomed to the other. Give it the time it requires to become beautiful.

    Edit: yet again, the queer guy mouths off.
     
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