Lover, friend or bromance?

[shard38]

Hello everybody,

I realise everybody here must be sick to death of all these "best friend"-topics, so I apologize for starting another (long) one. But I searched most of the fora and couldn't find a thread that describes my situation.

About four years ago I grew real close to a great guy I had known for years. We suddenly realised we had so much in common and during the course of a month we became great friends. There's quite an age difference between us, he was 19, I was 34, but that doesn't bother us at all.

He expressed some curiosity about sex with a guy and didn't take him long to try it out. He was a bit confused after that, so I let it rest. But as we grew closer, I had to confess I was (and still am) in love with him. He confessed that he had tried to fall in love with me as well, but it didn't happen. He turned his attention to girls again and very soon had a girlfriend, which he quickly dumped. Then another girl and so on.

During the last couple of years he had about four different girlfriend and only the current one has lasted more than four months. During these years we continued to have sex. We didn't plan it, it just happens when we share a bed for whatever reason (hotels, late nights, etc). Sometimes he'd be confused and distant the following day, sometimes he would be all relaxed and happy.

We talked about it a lot and he insists on being straight, then again sometimes he questions himself. He has confessed he loves me a lot and that I am the most important person in his life. Most of my friends think he's using his girlfriend as a mask and is afraid to come out, but I think he's genuinely confused. Seems to me he's 90% straight and I happened to wake that other 10%.

But being in love with him, it gets harder to be around him and not express these feelings. We're always hugging, caressing and stuff, but never when there's other people around. Sex might happen suddenly or he will push me away.

What to do? It's quite hard to fall out of love with someone who's truly your soulmate and who you see every day. We now work together (our own company) and we both get frustrated when spending to much time apart. What is happening here? Anyone?

 

[Florida Boy]

I think that he is confused and so are you. In spite of your seemingly equality you are the dominant force. Age and experience will dictate that. You are a convenient crutch of which he does not wish to let go of, ever. One thing you might consider is do the same thing he is doing, diversify your love life.

 

[shard38]

Thanks for your reply. I think you've got a point there. I do date other people but for some reason he's still in my head

 

[B_Hung Jon]

I don't think that falling in love with one guy (you) makes your friend gay. If he's generally attracted to other guys more than girls, then I'd say he's definitely gay. When people are young like your friend, they can fall in love with either gender because their sexuality isn't so fixed yet. I think he may be exploring his emotions with you because you are close and care about him. At some point though he may come to the realization that he's not into you in the same way. The real question is: are you ready if his feelings for you change?

 

[B_penispenispenis37]

Wow, this sounds like a heartbreaking recipe for disaster. You guys work together at your own company? He clearly doesn't know what is going on, I would not expect him to change that any time soon. I would especially not expect him to declare his love for you and start a more formal relationship. You may want to move on, just for your own heart. Without you, he might better be able to realize what he had/didn't.

 

[coachreffn]

Thanks for your reply. I think you've got a point there. I do date other people but for some reason he's still in my head

Keep the guy in your head. That is fine. Eventually, those feelings can change. Keep him out of your bed. Avoid getting into situations where you share a bedroom, late nights etc...whatever the situation is. The loving thing to do for yourself and for him is to lessen the confusion you both have regarding this relationship. The sex merely keeps that confusion swirling around.

 

[shard38]

Thanks for all the advice. Trying to move in, but it's difficult. There's really true love between us, but as you all point out: sex confuses things. So I'll have to be strong and avoid it, even if he takes the initiative.

 

[SuckmeNOW]

Similar thing happened to me. Ended in disaster. Stop shagging him and let him come to terms wth being bi/ gay/ straight in his own times. At the very least he's had experience with both men and woman :/

 

[B_Hung Jon]

Thanks for all the advice. Trying to move in, but it's difficult. There's really true love between us, but as you all point out: sex confuses things. So I'll have to be strong and avoid it, even if he takes the initiative.

Yeh, if you've really fallen in love with him and he's not able to return the love, then it's a difficult situation. Just my take on it, but it might take you awhile to let him go emotionally. It's very hard to stop yourself from having feelings for someone. I mean, we humans are not robots. It's hard to shut off the love. What might work is if you tell him your feelings and the confusion it has caused for you and him. At least he'll understand what's happening for you. It might not change anything immediately but it may clear the air some until you can get beyond the initial pain.

 

[silvertriumph2]

One has said that he hasn't made up his mind about his sexuality.
Well, I believe ones sexual persuasion is formed before one is even born, so it is not a choice.

If he is BI, then that is another thing all together. He might be having a problem with the conflicting emotions that a young person who is Bi struggles with. That I understand. I have no problem seeing two men...one with more strong gay feelings and
the other a struggling with emotions about being BI. That can
be delt with.

What I find that could be a problem down the line is the age differences. A young man of 19 has not lived life enough to be
with an older man of 39...20 years his senior. Do you realize that you are TWICE HIS AGE? It does not seem to be much of a difference at this stage (19/39)...but in another 20 years...he
will be 39 and you will be pushing 60. It is a bigger divide at this
age for the younger is still young (or youngish), but the older is
beginning to show his age...and it will get more so as the years pass.

I would think about the future (for both of you) and not so much of the present. I think you should look for someone closer to your own age, and especially if you are looking for a long time relationship.

Good Luck...

 

[shard38]

Thanks again for your advice, all of you. Some of them are truly accurate.

I have been trying to deal with this by keeping some distance between us, especially physical. It caused him to draw even closer. So last week, after we had a day of quality time, walking through the woods and having a great dinner, we started talking and I told him how this whole situation confused me. He told me he completely understood and that he is coming to terms with his feelings for me, but he needs to take steps in his own time. He also said he has now opened up about our relationship to a close friend of his and to his girlfriend. He asked me to let him decide the pace, which I agreed to.

We ended up having sex all night on his request. After that he held me very close and told me to relax around him, in or out of bed. He caressed me until I was completely relaxed and it felt amazing just to lie there together, all tension gone. He told me he loved me, that I was the most important person in his life and that would never change. Kinda hard to fell out of love then, don't you think? ;-)

I do think he's confused about being bi and slowly coming to terms with it. I don't know if this will lead to a relationship, at the moment it's like having an affair with someone. I think a lot of talking and time is still needed.

@silverthriump2: You're right, there's a big age difference between us (it's actually 15 years though, not 20. He's 23, I'm 38). That has never been an issue yet, but it probably could be. I wasn't looking for a long time relationship, this just happened over years with him.

 

[deleted3782]

Good luck with all that. I have been in your situation way too many times, and you have to learn to be as fair with yourself, your time, and your needs as you are demonstrating for him. You certainly can't see into the future, but you can be observant of patterns. If the patterns begin to trend towards a situation that makes you happy, then great! If there are patterns of behavior that trend towards you getting hurt, be wary. It would be fantastic if it all worked out, with a romantic story of finding your soul mate. Take care of yourself.

 

[shard38]

Tx, exwhyzee, that's really sweet I'll keep you guys posted. It's great to come here and be genuinely advised an listened to. Rare these days. Hope it all worked out for you in the end

 

[Officer5633]

Shard38:

Great to hear back on what happened. I am very glad you talked to him in depth about what you are feeling and going through emotionally. Communication is critical in any friendship and/or relationship.

I'm very happy for you, and for him!

But please, keep us updated frequently on what's happening!! :smile:

 

[shard38]

I promised to keep you guys updated on this strange relationship I'm having.

Actually, things have been pretty great between us. We've been working, together, eating together, sleeping together and yes, having sex together quite frequently lately.

Though we're still not out in the open about the sex and he's still in a relationship with his girlfriend, it seems we're both quite happy how things are developing.

For him it's still a puzzle. He's found he really loves the experimental side of having sex with a guy and I'm the only one he ever thinks about in terms of gay sex. He still doesn't classify himself as gay or bi, because he thinks he can't fall in love with an man. On the other hand, he loves me more than anyone in the world, he's just not IN love with me.

For me it's great to be so close and the sex is an added bonus. Strangely enough for both of us the sex is all about sex and lust, not so much about love.

So, can't label it at all, but then again... why should I?