loving a gay daughter

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by grandunification, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. grandunification

    grandunification Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    479
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    335
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Charlotte (NC, US)
    My sister is a homosexual. Recently my mom told her that she loves her no matter what, but wishes that she weren't gay. She compared the situation to drugs... If a loving mom has a child who is a drug addict, then they still love that child, but of course they wish for them not to be on drugs. My sister did not accept what my mom said to her, and they got into a huge fight that most likely damaged their relationship forever.

    Any insight?
     
  2. SpoiledPrincess

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2006
    Messages:
    8,167
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    england
    One's relationship with their child isn't sexual so I don't feel that a child's sexuality should affect their relationship. Our children are a mixture of nature and nurture, they're in part our product so if they turn out in ways we'd rather not we shouldn't be blaming them for it. I can understand a parent not wanting their child to be gay for some reasons - for instance they might have wanted grandchildren, or they might think their life would be easier if they were straight, but I can't understand how they'd let it affect the way they acted with their child or their love for it. We have children and we shouldn't be having them with the view that if they don't turn out as we'd like then something went wrong - kids have a way of being just who they want to be and that's part of parenting, that we do our best then take our hands off and let them be.
     
  3. IntoxicatingToxin

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 10, 2006
    Messages:
    10,133
    Likes Received:
    152
    I'd be angry as fuck if my parent compared my sexual desire to something as debilitating as drugs. I know your mom probably meant well, but I'm sure she could've found many other things to relate to being homosexual that weren't so offensive.
     
  4. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2007
    Messages:
    9,735
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    Southern US
    We had the same thing happen in our family. My brother ran off and hasnt come back in almost 7 years. I dont know if my parents would handle it the same way again, but it does make me think about how i would handle it with my daughter and how not destroy the relationship over it.
     
  5. 9inchcanadian

    9inchcanadian Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2007
    Messages:
    522
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Your Mum made a comparison based on her knowledge of the world. No matter how wrong your sister, or I for that matter, believe it to be. we should try and change her opinion rather than running away from the situation. I know parents can be hard work.

    The majority of homosexuals have had family members make these kind of comments. Our parents are of a different generation and lets face it, want grandchildren. You are now in the best position to explain why what your Mother said was so wrong. She will probably not understand but you never know?

    You do seem to be missing the point that she did say she would love your sister no matter what. I think this is should be focused on more than anything said out of ignorance.
     
  6. Mr Ed in Mass

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2006
    Messages:
    2,691
    Likes Received:
    574
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Massachusetts,The most corrupt of the 57 states.
    If one of my kids were gay,I would love them regardless.They're my child after all.
     
  7. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2007
    Messages:
    9,735
    Likes Received:
    26
    Location:
    Southern US
    Shes my only child, i cant wait to be a grandma! But if she were gay i'd encourage her to adopt so i can spoil my grandkids!
     
  8. Principessa

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2006
    Messages:
    19,494
    Likes Received:
    28
    Gender:
    Female
     
  9. midlifebear

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2007
    Messages:
    5,908
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Nevada, Buenos Aires, and Barçelona
    Oh, puleeze! First and foremost, thank you Mr. Ed in Mass for being so level-headed. As for grandunification's mother . . . 1) Cancel her Eagle Forum membership and subscriptions to publications sent by The Coalition of American Family Values, and 2) put her on heavy meds until she drools.

    My karmic bullets are at this very moment zinging towards your sister who, under no circumstances, should be "guilted" into accepting anything less than a full apology from your entire family. Even then, I hope she has the good sense to ignore you all and create her own, new, family from a loving circle of friends who will support and love her unconditionally.
     
  10. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,455
    Likes Received:
    14
    It might be the mothers way of saying she is ok with it but would prefer she wasn't gay and didn't have to deal with discrimination and issues that may arise now she is openly gay.

    My teenage cousin's mother (aunt by marriage) told him they should not have secrets. So he told her he was gay. Her only reply was "No your not". Im not sure if he is gay, but to think that may have been his 'moment' and that was the response he got. it would be terrible if he wasn't joking
     
  11. rimmer9

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 28, 2007
    Messages:
    1,286
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    68
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Midlands UK
    We have a gay daughter and we love her dearly and have welcomed her partner into our family. It may not be what every parent wants for their child but to compare it to taking drugs is ludicrous. I think your mother just chose the wrong comparison in trying to explain how she felt.
     
  12. i_wont_tell

    i_wont_tell New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2006
    Messages:
    37
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Alberta, Canada
    I'm sure she meant well but honestly, the comparison between being gay and drug addiction would hurt me. I have no doubt that she was trying hard to make it sound nice, but there's no comparison. I speak as a homo, and a recovering drug addict.
     
  13. ManlyBanisters

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    12,807
    Likes Received:
    8
    Similar situation in one branch of my family - her mother has similar feelings. Well, slightly different - I'll explain.

    I don't think she would quite compare it directly to drug addiction as her other child did go through a period of drug addiction and she has a real world view of that and can see how different it is. The mother feels that lesbianism is a difficult path, that there are challenges and the potential for unhappiness due to 'poor choices' (her words, I can't claim to really understand them) - my reaction to those feelings was that while heterosexuality doesn't have the same acceptance issues hetero relationships can have problems too and there is no way to protect her child from that. Her daughter could easily end up in a bad / difficult relationship with a man as with a woman. She seemed to take that on board.

    Her other main problem with her daughter's orientation was that she felt somehow that she (the mother) had made a mistake in bringing up her daughter that had caused this to happen. Ha! I thought to myself - the other child, with the drug problem, is older and had gone through addiction issues before the daughter outed herself. I know both the mother and father felt they had someone failed their child when drugs became a major problem. So here she was, a few years later, having similar feelings about her daughter's sexuality. While she was not comparing the fact of her daughter's sexuality with drug abuse she was making the assumption that both come about by a trauma or unhappiness.

    What I tried to explain to her is that her daughter's sexuality and choices are not self harming in the way that drug use is. Not getting into the whole nature / nurture argument, it is clear and evident that people with happy, safe, loving childhoods do grow up to be gay - that is just a fact. There is nothing self hating or para-suicidal about being gay. Certain people may express those kinds of negative behaviours in their sexual practises but that is by no means limited to homosexuals.

    Funnily enough the father in the family is totally unfazed by and very supportive of his daughter's choice. I don't quite know what the difference is - the mother is quite a hand wringing, doubter who assumes the worst in many situations, whereas the father tends to be a lot more laid back and takes things as they come. Fortunately, with the input of her husband and probably others, the mother has never discussed her feelings of disappointment with her daughter.

    I think in the situation of the OP and his sister someone needs to talk to the mother and attempt to explain that lesbianism is not going to ruin her daughter's life, that it is not a negative and self-harming behaviour and also how hurtful it is for her daughter to hear that her mother views her as having something wrong with her as it implies that, ideally, there would be a 'fix'. She needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, that her daughter is not broken - just different - and part of loving her daughter is working towards accepting that. It won't happen overnight but the greatest love she can show her daughter is to learn.
     
  14. auncut10in

    auncut10in Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2006
    Messages:
    715
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,733
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    in San Francisco until April, then back sailing in
    It sounds like the same reaction my dad had when I told him I was gay, except for the “I still love you” part. Mine was more the “you are going to hell and how could you make such a choice”. My father would have rather I be a drug dealer or user. Anything would be better than having a gay son. Heated word were exchanged, and I thought I would never see my father again.

    You have a unique position. I think you can see both sides of this separation. There have been some good posts. I am sure there will be others that can offer unique insight. Maybe you could print out what is being discussed and share them with your mother and your sister. (Maybe eliminate the LPSG part. Just tell here it is a discussion group) Ask your mother if she ever wondered if her daughter does not want to be gay either. That maybe her daughter might want children. And that her daughter might also want the easy acceptance of being straight brings. I mean who would sign up for all this crap gay people go through. But it is not something that she or her daughter can change. I think part of the reason I was so angry with my father was because I was angry that I could not be straight. Yeah, I have dealt with the fact that I am gay, and will always be gay. It is who I am, and I have gotten rid of the guilt and am quite happy with my life. Most of my family will still not talk to me, I am not invited to any family events, and I miss that. Yeah it hurts. But pretending to be straight hurts much more, so I live with it.

    My father? Well it has been about 6 years. Much to his credit, he decided that he could either love me the way I am or never see me again. So he reached out to me. We have a tenuous relationship at best. I still get the God is disappointed in me lecture, but have learned to live with that as well. If you think it would be helpful for me to talk with your mother or your sister, feel free to PM me.
     
  15. DC_DEEP

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2005
    Messages:
    9,029
    Likes Received:
    12
    Living in Oklahoma (aka the bible belt) has nothing to do with it. That doesn't automatically make people stupid. My Mom was a devout christian, and fairly innocent of "the ways of the world". She was old when I finally came out to her, and she would have seemed to be a prime candidate for not understanding. But she was intelligent enough to understand that I was the same person whom she had loved for the previous 30-something years, and that she didn't "make any mistakes" with me that she didn't make with her other children. She understood when I told her it was not a choice, but just a part of who I was. She accepted me, without question, and never compared it to anything like a drug addiction. This was in Arkansas, just as much bible belt as Oklahoma.

    Of course parents don't want their children to deal with hardship every step of the way; but being gay is not a character flaw. The character flaw is with the parent who cannot accept their own child for something beyond that child's control.

    Drug addiction is a horrible thing, but it is a choice to take that first drink or snort that first line. Addictions can be overcome. Sexual orientation (contrary to claims by Exodus) cannot be "cured" and is intrinsic.

    P. S. njqt, I love ya, but trying to quote your posts is a nightmare.
     
  16. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2008
    Messages:
    8,978
    Likes Received:
    11
    Mom's wrong about the drug analogy.

    But give her a break, she's being taken someplace she never expected to go.

    Take her to a pflag meeting or something and let her start getting her arms around the idea.

    The people who win are the ones who are the most flexible. That means the least judgmental. "Judge not lest ye be judged." Goes both ways, as far as I can tell.
     
  17. Dave NoCal

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,995
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    256
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sacramento (CA, US)
    Often, we come out after having grieved the losses implied. That process can take a long time. To expect parents to immediately be at the place it took so long to arrive is not realistic or fair. I think the bigger question is whether Mom wants her daughter in her life. If so, she will have to work on understanding and tact and it could take several years. It did with mine. She may also need to reach out in some way.
    Dave
     
  18. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,204
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    I'd call my sister and tell her, Sis, mom was dead wrong, but we love her anyway because from her generation, she doesn't know any better.

    And I'd call my mom and say, Mom, I love you, I always will, but you need to speak to someone about your viewpoints on sexual orientation because you have seriously hurt my sister.

    And then I wouldn't take any phonecalls for a week.
     
  19. findfirefox

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2005
    Messages:
    2,143
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Portland, OR
    You can love a lesbian?
     
  20. Not_Punny

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2007
    Messages:
    5,542
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,204
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    California
    Oh shut up, fff. :rolleyes::tongue:
     
Draft saved Draft deleted