I started pulling quotes because so much of the sentiment I feel has been eloquently stated above, and in a better way that I could have. But then It would just have been one hella long post, so I'll just add my 2 cents ineloquently and write my one hella long post. I gotta stop doing that.
First I want to shake the hand of Mr. Ed in Mass. Because, really that is what it's all about. You are a gentleman, sir.
Granunification... it's obviously a difficult situation. But I do think it's important to focus on the fact that your mom says that she loves your sister no matter what.
For many people unconditional love can only ever be granted to their child. Both of my best friends have two kids each. Their love for them is unconditional and unquestionable and I see it every day. They love their wives too, but that's definitely conditional. :wink: Over Christmas the topic came up, "what would you do if X turns out to be gay?" and so forth, and their reactions were the same, in fact one of them went so far to say "What do you mean what would I do? He's my only son, and I love him more than anything. I want him to happy. I want him to be successful in a career that he enjoys. I want his life to be full of good people, joy, and adventure. I want him to fall in love with someone he wants to share his life with and have them join our family. And if that other person is another guy... well then I'll have somebody to shoot hoops with while he's redecorating the rec room." That last bit was said with a wink of course. But when asked what he would do if his son came out to him, the only thing that came to mind was, "I would tell him I love him. And I would tell him how proud I am of him to have the guts to tell me, because that's a scary, scary fucking conversation to have with a parent."
I realize we're talking about different generations and different cultures. My friend the dad is in his mid-30s and we live in LA, and our extended "family" of orphans came here from all over the country but tend to share the same pragmatic, liberal point of view on certain subjects. We also have a lot of gay and bi people in our lives, so for us it isn't weird.
But for a lot people in other parts of the country it is weird, and not being exposed to it makes it foreign. And because there is so much hostility toward gay people in this country (especially in the Bible Belt) I think any parent would be scared for their child. A good parent wants to nurture their child and protect them from things that could harm them. Knowing that their child has "chosen" a lifestyle that could make them at best a pariah and at worst a target for discrimination or violence is very upsetting. Even parents that understand it's not a choice aren't offered respite, because they might feel guilty for wishing their child was something they aren't simply so they don't have to go through the hardship they're likely going to face.
Defense mechanisms are what they are. For example, I almost always laugh or make inappropriate jokes during stressful or somber situations. Sometimes this adds some much needed levity, other times it lands like an anvil dropped through a piano.
Yes, I think your mom's comparison of a gay daughter to a drug addicted daughter was tactless and inappropriate, and I could see why your sister was offended. And not being there, not knowing the kind of person you mother is, take my comments with a grain of salt. But I think she was trying to wrap her brain around an unexpected piece of news and said something boneheaded in an attempt to underscore the important thing she was saying, which was that she loves your sister no matter what. Does she need to go get some counseling to help her adjust? Probably. Boneheaded comments come from ignorant people and douchebags. It doesn't sound like your mom is a douchebag. If she's interested in educating herself about gay life, gay issues and so forth in order to deepen her relationship with her daughter, then she should go for it. The love it there, its just the understanding that needs some work.
I also think your sister may be blowing things out of proportion. Because plenty of times, with that generation, that conversation goes much, much worse. Plenty of times it ends quickly and you get thrown out of the house. My dad didn't speak to me for 6 years after I told him. Her mom actually told her she loves her, albeit in an ass-backward kind of way. She should give her another chance, because you only get one mother. If its a lost cause move on, but I don't think this sounds like a lost cause.