Loving someone who has been damaged

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by LaFemme, Jan 22, 2012.

  1. LaFemme

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    Have you ever been in love with someone who has been deeply damaged by something in their past?

    Would you consider a relationship with them, or would you run because it would be too much work?

    Edit: Took out a "lot of questions". :smile:
     
    #1 LaFemme, Jan 22, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2012
  2. L_egit

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    There's a lot of questions there that involve a lot of very relationship specific information.

    I don't think all 'damage' is as much of an issue as its cracked up to be, but I've also stumbled upon some significantly disruptive and self destructive behavior.

    That said, my experience with the matter is that a relationship shouldn't turn into a therapist/patient relationship. Its completely unfair and rarely yields results.
     
  3. Incocknito

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    All women are damaged after they've been with me. Usually vaginally :p

    I'm sure they've all been taken in by a good samaritan.

    But the question is how do you know someone is damaged before being in a relationship with them?
     
  4. D_Ray_Jing_Hardon

    D_Ray_Jing_Hardon Account Disabled

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    Been there, done that (more than once) and never again ... I would run as fast as I could.
     
  5. LaFemme

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    You usually don't know before, you find out once you've gotten hooked. Which is kind of the problem.

    But if everyone runs from the people who've been hurt, does that mean that they don't get loved?
     
  6. molotovmuffin

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    Anyone who has been in a previous relationship is damaged from it. Or at least, that's my take on it. Some of us just happen to grow from the experience, while others just can't seem to let go.


    But to stay on topic. Yes, yes and yes. The first two yeses had issues they couldn't resolve but I am hopeful for the third yes.
     
  7. LaFemme

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    That's good to hear. I'd like to think I grow from my experiences, too. And I like to give people a chance - damaged or not.
     
  8. tw31

    tw31 New Member

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    My first real relationship which actually a couple months ago, the guy had went through a tough childhood with his father I guess, and had mental effects on basically now who he is as a person. He was a very nice guy, well put together, but sometimes when problems came up, hence an arguement or trying to solve a situation, he often enough would be calm cool and collected, but once he broke, he really broke.. It was often scary and a bit traumatizing mainly because I had no control over it. Anxiety attacks, shaking, heart pounding and his inability to control himself for that matter really, really effects the other person in the relationship also.... Especially one who really cared for them.

    I guess it really depends on the person, some people may not even matter, and can handle situations very well. The other which might have been said before, would if they cared enough about the person, would handle their baggage to care, and love for them. Personally I wouldn't mind or close myself off to any kind of person because were all beautiful people in our own bodies. Everyone has their issues whether it be with theirselves or something in the past.
     
  9. aznpoo

    aznpoo New Member

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    I don't want to be the one to be responsible if our relationship isn't going well, and thus breaking up. Then he/she would go through the cycle of depression all over again. That person needs to be healed first then I would date that person, otherwise I would be dating a corpse. no no no
     
  10. D_Dick_S_Lapp

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    At this point i really couldn't care less if they were damaged. Hell i'm damaged, i know how it feels. I've read on the web and heard from different people that it wouldn't be a very good idea but as long as they like me for me and are able to work on whatever issues they have then i'm more than good.

    Everyone has issues and problems. No one is in fact or ever will be perfect. If i like them for who they are and they like me for who i am then that is about the best think a person can hope for.

    Sorry forgot to answer the question. Yes i've been in love with someone with deeply rooted issues. And yeah i stayed, tried to help and be there, problem is...they didn't.
     
    #10 D_Dick_S_Lapp, Jan 23, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2012
  11. ScorpioSlut

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    It is a bit disheartening to hear some of these responses. Some people were damaged by relationships that they had no choice over such as family. Unfortunately we don't get to pick who we live with when we are children. I don't think it is fair to run from someone who has been damaged by something like that, rather I feel as soon as the issue rears its head the partner should be supportive and urge their loved one to continue to work through the issues and become a better person. As someone pointed out above if you refuse to love them because of something they have no control over then they will most assuredly never lead a normal life if everyone leaves them for something that was never their fault. And yes some people adapt to trauma better than others but again it is not the fault of the damaged person if they don't "grow" from things the same way as others. The problems are much less complex however if the person simply has hang-ups about their ex or are saddened because that past relationship ended...but it is entirely a different ballgame when someone has legitimately and seriously been traumatized by something in life.
     
  12. Fade

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    Have you ever been in love with someone who has been deeply damaged by something in their past? Yes

    Would you consider a relationship with them, or would you run because it would be too much work? Yes

    Everybody is damaged/broken/fucked-up in their own way. I try not to judge
     
  13. closetfreak

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    The deciding factor for me is whether or not the other person wants to change or even if they recognize that they have a problem in the first place. If someone asks for help I will never turn them down, but at the same time if they aren't doing anything to help themselves I'm not going to waste my time.
     
  14. helgaleena

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    If you say 'damaged', La Femme, I think you need to define that. Do you mean they have a missing limb, or they are stuck in a mental rut they refuse to move past, or what?

    Some people are so superficial they wouldn't even associate with someone physically disabled. Others are actually turned on by such things and seek them out. I would expect that goes for people with mental disabilities too.

    I once heard it said that females with a slight limp are wildly attractive for a certain type of man because it means they are unlikely to run for it. Others are attracted by a lisp, or a slight stutter. Among the Mayas of old crossed eyes were a real turn-on. Certain persons believe that people who are bipolar or have borderline personality disorder are especially exciting lovers.

    Call me a romantic, but I believe that somewhere out there is a complementary match for every crazy and cripple, who will love them as they are and take their quirks in stride, as long as they are within the bounds of society's rules. Does not include 'So I Married an Axe Murderer' comedy or Sweeney Todd.
     
    #14 helgaleena, Jan 23, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2012
  15. ManlyBanisters

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    Like helg I want to know more about what you mean by 'damaged'. We are all the product of our lives to this point? What constitutes 'damaged' verses 'experienced'?

    helg uses the phrase "stuck in a mental rut they refuse to move past" - that would be a problem for me. We all have our own fucked-upness to deal with, as long as a person is dealing with that fucked-upness at least to some degree then they are able to enter into the emotional contract that is a relationship.

    As pointed out all of that is very hard to judge until the relationship is underway.
     
  16. bearvwe

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    Would I ever recommend a relationship with someone damaged - absolutely not. It isn't a question of whether you could love them. Its because if they are really damaged, then they will never love you. You will become their therapist, or worse, the person they take their anger out on. If you want to be a punchbag - figuatively or literally, go for it. Otherwise, make an excuse and leave.
     
  17. Gecko4lif

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    Tried it. Didnt work out because I myself am also quite damaged.

    It was quite the learning experience though
     
  18. Stephenmass

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    It simply takes longer, and I hate to refer to anyone this way, for a "damaged person" to gain trust in who they are with. Once trust falls into place, it seems to me that just about everything else does also.
     
  19. concupisys

    concupisys Active Member

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    i consider myself to be 'damaged', and i make no efforts to pursue or even toy with the notion of being in a relationship.... when the damaged parts of me rise to the surface of a given situation, i'm very aware of it and i make my leave accordingly to as far away a place as i can from the situation.... some try to push the issue with me, and others try to 'save' me from myself.... some recognize it as my problem as i do, and others think that the way i am is somehow their problem or their fault.... i just simply shut down and completely disassociate myself from the outside world until the 'attack of my shortcomings' has passed.... that way, nobody gets hurt and nobody even has to know....
     
  20. helgaleena

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    Dear concupisys and gecko, I hope that in time you are able to redefine yourselves as 'healing'. And then as 'splendid', because your photos look like something to live for.
     
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