Loving someone who has been damaged

NCbear

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As several have said upthread, we're all damaged. I guess it depends on the type of damage we're talking about.

It's like going around looking at houses (and/or apartments or condos--you get the picture) and thinking, "Could this be my home?"

Are there some make-or-break attributes about the living space? No dishwasher, so no rental agreement? Too much painting needed, so no purchase contract? Too expensive to fix the foundation, so run screaming?

To me, it's the same way with people.

If there's no hope, or if the person is literally endangering himself or others by his behavior, then yes, I'd run screaming. And have.

But if the person is at heart a good person but needs therapy (from someone else, mind you) to get into a healthier, more balanced place, then I'd wait for the change. And have.

NCbear (who knows my man has been and continues to be patient with me :wry smile:)
 

HorsemanUK

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I think the past is the past and as long as your in a mutually caring realtionship together what has the past got to do with anything? Espcially if its a past that didnt affect you in any way. Sometimes people go through shit which is no fault of their own and we all have our skeletons in the closet.
 

concupisys

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@helgaleena: thanks for your sentiments.... while the notion of being a 'happy' person is appealing, there is much about the world i'm at odds with and none of it is really anything i can do much about.... i spent years trying to convince myself otherwize, but innermost feelings are something that are just always there.... i don't really have the brain to get lost in any kind of escapism aside from being in an extreme state of intoxication 24 hours a day, but that doesn't solve anything.... neither does existing in the image of happiness because in the end i would just be a really fake person.... ultimately i just spend the most part of my life by myself, where whatever state of damage i'm in can be itself and not alienate the people around me.... a lot of people who are damaged go on with the pursuit of what they see as the image of normal and happy and in the end that's what will sabotage their relationships with people and cause even more damage.... it's a pretty vicious cycle and equally as heartbreaking.... in the end though, i have the means around me to live my quiet life and enjoy simple things to my own satisfaction.... just don't expect to see me with a man on my arm or at ease in environments outside my comfort zone....
 

helgaleena

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I think that is a very healthy attitude, C. You have to be at home with yourself before anything else, like the bottom course of bricks in the foundation.

It has taken me decades to heal from some things and some I am still working on. But all things continue to change and you will see them from a safe position.
 

B_bxmuscle

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I have. My advice is that if the individual is willing and able to make progress in dealing with whatever issue(s) damaged him/her, then a relationship might just work. If s/he is unable or willing to make such progress, you're asking for trouble. But whatever you decide, go slow and remember you can next fix somebody else. At best you might help them to help themselves.
 

D_Sal_Manilla

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Well I think I'm damaged emotionally cause its hard for me to believe people. Like I want to believe and trust them but I just feel like they are just saying things to cover up true feelings. (like my ex did) I know that not everyone will be like him but it's just hard.

I feel damaged, I am damaged. Why cant someone love me? Egh?
 

LaFemme

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What I meant by "damaged" is being emotionally damaged - perhaps abuse in childhood, sexual assault, domestic violence, etc. Maybe even more so from events stemming from childhood. There is evidence to say that the brain actually changes when a child is abused, and information is forever processed differently.

I see many people giving opinions on how reasonable and rational they are in choosing relationships and it all sounds so healthy. And I wonder....what about the people who aren't so healthy? Do they not deserve a chance as well? Especially when they are trying to heal?
 

concupisys

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@LaFemme: some of us took the chance and realized it simply wasn't meant to be.... not everyone feels that way, and i know of enough people out there in relationships who you would never imagine in a million years would have the mental capacity to be in one.... 'damage' vs. relationships vs. staying single due to 'damage' is a total clusterfuck.... there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, and some of us question it while others just go with the flow.... but the truth is that there is no right or wrong way to go about it.... all we can do as individuals - whatever relationship or mental status we happen to be in - is to be self-aware and try our best not to hurt anyone around us based on our own shortcomings or defects.... there will always be an underlying envy of that which we would like to experience and simply can't find, but knowing the 'damage' that i have to live with, i know deep down that i'm doing the right thing by asserting and maintaining a safe isolation....
 

earllogjam

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I was beaten up and bullied as a child but I don't consider myself damaged. I probably have some psychological scars from it but I've decided not to let those memories ruin my life now nor my ability to love my sweetheart. I don't think I would be able to have a relationship with anyone who was so beaten down and damaged that he had nothing to offer a relationship. I don't find needy men attractive or interesting.
 

rtg

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I think it really depends on the person and how they feel about you.... I've always seemed to go for the 'damaged' ones cos I want to fix them and be there for them...It's kinda like an ownership and security thing for me i think (how could he leave me if i've done all these things for him?)

Despite the risk of being judged, I will still share some quite personal things about me that makes me 'damaged'. I've had trouble being accepted by most, but some see past it and realise that I'm worth the extra effort (such as my bf).

I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety when I was 16, and obviously that is not an easy thing to live with and can cause a lot of stress on relationships. I had one bf a couple of years ago that couldn't handle it at all. But I think the real issues were him cos he was a prick, and he just liked blaming me cos that was the easy thing to do.

I contracted hsv2 about 18 months ago from someone i had been sleeping with for awhile...he didn't have any symptoms so that's how i got it. Anyways, i was seeing someone i really liked last year and told him cos i thought it was best to be honest....he went running and wouldn't look past it, even tho i'm on meds daily and there's almost no risk of transmitting.

Now turning the tables, before my bf and i officially got together...i fucked him around sooo much. Cos I was scared of getting hurt and not sure of what i wanted. I told him all about my depression and anxiety (including all the fucked up stuff that comes with it), and about the hsv2 (he was pretty freaked out about this at first, but after talking to the dr he was okay with it).

I'm no walk in the park...I'm a lot of work. But he appreciates me and says I'm worth the effort :) So it's really nice to know that there are some people out there who will see me for me and not just my medical 'conditions'.

/end of rant.
 

rtg

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I see many people giving opinions on how reasonable and rational they are in choosing relationships and it all sounds so healthy. And I wonder....what about the people who aren't so healthy? Do they not deserve a chance as well? Especially when they are trying to heal?

I think that those of us who have mental illnesses that we cannot control definitely deserve a chance. Especially those of us that are trying to heal.

The worst part of it is the lack of understanding that generally society has about mental illnesses (depression and anxiety in my case, as previously stated).

To actually know and try and understand what one is going through, is a massive thing. I know it can be tiring and frustrating if you think someone is being difficult, but sometimes they can't help it. I'm on antidepressants, but they aren't some magical pill that fixes everything. I have to work so hard to stay afloat and get so exhausted just from trying to survive and trying to be happy each day.

All I ask is that people try to understand how and why someone may be 'damaged' before they judge them or try to leave a relationship.

My boyfriend is very interested in trying to learn about my condition and tries really hard to be understanding and supportive. He's actually the first guy I've met that's been like that, and it's so refreshing.

/rant #2
 

oasi86

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Have you ever been in love with someone who has been deeply damaged by something in their past?

Would you consider a relationship with them, or would you run because it would be too much work?

Ironically I have been thinking about this all night. I fell in love with a girl when i was 15, fell into the friend zone for 10 years, then finally got to be with her at 25. We were in love but she needed something more than me. She was always searching for something and to her she found it in religion. Now I'm spiritual but i don't agree with her new found beliefs which seem to me to be so extreme and un-accepting of other cultures that I had to part with her last year, because I felt she was now apart of a cult. The reason why I thought about that question was because I wondered if I would be able to go back with her if she ever came out of that cult or if I myself will stay eternally damaged because I can't get her out of my mind long enough to move on?
 

oddeyeblu

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I've been damaged so I would not run from someone who has been if they were willing to be transparent and communicate well. They could end up being a pot of gold. I think you would tend to lose a narcissist who thinks they have it all together faster.
 

petite

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What I meant by "damaged" is being emotionally damaged - perhaps abuse in childhood, sexual assault, domestic violence, etc. Maybe even more so from events stemming from childhood. There is evidence to say that the brain actually changes when a child is abused, and information is forever processed differently.

I see many people giving opinions on how reasonable and rational they are in choosing relationships and it all sounds so healthy. And I wonder....what about the people who aren't so healthy? Do they not deserve a chance as well? Especially when they are trying to heal?

I doubt it would prevent me from having a relationship with someone I love.

Most of the time you don't find those things out about a person until after feelings develop for someone, so I can't say that any of that stuff would prevent me from falling in love with someone unless they wear it on their sleeve. I probably fit your description of someone who is damaged. There are things that have happened to me that I don't talk about here. It hasn't prevented lots of people from falling in love with me. I've been loved a lot during my life.

I have one friend who is so upfront and defensive and almost confrontational about being a survivor that I have often thought that she can't move beyond the past. I have often thought that it probably keeps her from finding love. She seems stuck in one place, even though she's constantly talking about moving on for at least 15 years now.
 
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concupisys

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@earllogjam: i would certainly need more information about how and why you were 'bullied' as a child, but i've found that a lot of people who have survived that kind of childhood experience usually understand the 'just cause' and eventually grow out of it as they get older.... but there are some of us who, simply by existing, experience this kind of thing well past childhood and even early adult life and are still trying to figure out why they are so at odds with the world around them.... if i were remotely interested in being a relationship, one thing i do know is that i would probably be a lot more cautious with those who appear less 'damaged' because to me it would feel as if they're hiding (from) something.... at least when i meet people who are up front about their damage, i can take that in to account when interacting with them and make any necessary provisions.... someone who exudes the image of well-adjustment and having their shit together would only fall apart with a bigger bang and in smaller fragments that would be much harder to put back together.... ironically, i've seen more relationships fail for this reason than i've seen survive for laying their defects on the table from the beginning.....
 
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helgaleena

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Ironically I have been thinking about this all night. I fell in love with a girl when i was 15, fell into the friend zone for 10 years, then finally got to be with her at 25. We were in love but she needed something more than me. She was always searching for something and to her she found it in religion. Now I'm spiritual but i don't agree with her new found beliefs which seem to me to be so extreme and un-accepting of other cultures that I had to part with her last year, because I felt she was now apart of a cult. The reason why I thought about that question was because I wondered if I would be able to go back with her if she ever came out of that cult or if I myself will stay eternally damaged because I can't get her out of my mind long enough to move on?

It is not wrong to love someone, EVER. You are simply loving her from a safe distance. I don't believe we ever stop loving people, even when they have hurt us terribly there is always a little spark of good intent toward them. That very love is what has parted us now for our own good. Even if outside we are far apart, at the level of true universal LOVE we continue to love.

You have to trust that LOVE will bring someone to you to love in person, as well. Just not that person. You were together for the correct amount of time.

You left to avoid being emotionally damaged and that was the loving thing to do. It is her own choice to leave you behind for something else and turn into a new her, one not on the same wavelength as you right now. But wishing her well is never a mistake.
 
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Thirdlegproduction

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Everybody is damaged up to some point, I tend be attracted to emotional unavailable women as I feel the need to comfort and protect them fix them.

But it's an extension from trying to fix my parents relationships.

Makes me broken as well, funny how that works.

Thing is, you have a difference in just broken and someone who is broken and wants to drag the world down with them.