Loving someone who has been damaged

LaFemme

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I think that those of us who have mental illnesses that we cannot control definitely deserve a chance. Especially those of us that are trying to heal.

The worst part of it is the lack of understanding that generally society has about mental illnesses (depression and anxiety in my case, as previously stated).

To actually know and try and understand what one is going through, is a massive thing. I know it can be tiring and frustrating if you think someone is being difficult, but sometimes they can't help it. I'm on antidepressants, but they aren't some magical pill that fixes everything. I have to work so hard to stay afloat and get so exhausted just from trying to survive and trying to be happy each day.

All I ask is that people try to understand how and why someone may be 'damaged' before they judge them or try to leave a relationship.

My boyfriend is very interested in trying to learn about my condition and tries really hard to be understanding and supportive. He's actually the first guy I've met that's been like that, and it's so refreshing.

/rant #2

Thank you for being so open in both your posts. :hug:

I really applaud your boyfriend for loving you enough take you as you are - love you unconditionally. I really wish I could find that.....
 

rtg

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Thank you for being so open in both your posts. :hug:

I really applaud your boyfriend for loving you enough take you as you are - love you unconditionally. I really wish I could find that.....

No worries :) I'm very passionate about increasing awareness and understanding of such things.

Well it's still only very early days for me and my bf, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things will stay good and he will remain supportive. Though, I still wouldn't blame him if it got to be too much for him.
 

B_subgirrl

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Seen on a t-shirt:

"Everyone is normal til you get to know them"

Seen on a handbag:

"Normal people are boring"


My very first relationship was with someone who was severely damaged by childhood abuse. I stuck it out with him for over a year after he told me what had happened to him; and I loved him desperately.

Eventually though, I realised that he didn't want to let go of being a victim, and that if I didn't end it I would be dragged into that spiral and become a victim myself. I had to put myself and any hypothetical future children first.

I ended up being very glad that I didn't stay with him, despite the fact that he continued to hold a special place in my heart. He never managed to overcome his drug addiction, and ended up committing suicide, leaving behind a wife and two children.

That could have been me. I'm glad it wasn't. I'm glad I put myself and my hypothetical children first, despite how selfish it may seem to some people.
 

poultrygeist

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Great discussion going on with a lot of awesome thoughts. Just wanted to add a little twist to the mix.

Everyone can have damage or baggage and may not even realize it.

True situation: a combat commando with numerous medals and honors from dozens of highly dangerous successful missions completed without so much as ever having shivered or flinched in the face of death....years later when retired to civilian life suddenly starts having panic and anxiety causing him to freeze up at times of even mild confrontation for no known reason...then it can happen to ANYONE. It took a long time for him to get better. But he was never completely cured of it. Too much shit his mind had seen.

That said, if it's true that alls fair in love and war, and if they are even remotely similar, then it stands to reason that it's quite possible for many people that there's too much shit that's been seen. Funny thing is that there's no way of knowing if you or anyone else has seen too much shit. One can never really know how much damage the heart and mind have taken until it starts showing.

So anyone who says they are undamaged is either completely guessing or else they have never experienced any love or war.

My point is that maybe we should judge others less because we might not only miss out on the love of our life, but we might wind up being wrong about ourselves too. It would sure suck to have someone we truly love leave us because of baggage we didn't know was there.
 
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Phil Ayesho

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Have you ever been in love with someone who has been deeply damaged by something in their past?

Would you consider a relationship with them, or would you run because it would be too much work?

Edit: Took out a "lot of questions". :smile:

Everyone is damaged... in some way.

But I have had two ill fated relationships with women who were damaged in ways that made it impossible for them to maintain regard for any man.

My first was a victim of a father who thought less of women because they were women, refused to send her to college.... this happened at the same time as the feminist outrage against men and Oprah's ascendancy thru a TV show that bashed men regularly.

In retrospect, no matter how good our life- and we were doing well- she was fated to be far harsher on any failing of mine than was justified.
When we split up I found a stack of books in her closet all centering on the theme of how awful men were.
And she has never had another relationship in the 20 years since.

My second dramatic failure was with a woman whose father similarly lionized his sons and ignored his daughter... only she also had a very cold and brutally distant mother... one whose idea of keeping her daughter from getting pregnant in high school was to raise her with the belief that she was ugly. It should have been a warning to me neither she nor any of her siblings had ever had families of their own...
But she had a kind of borderline personality disorder that made it impossible for her to accept blame for her actions, and impossible for her to pay me even the slightest compliment, or apologize for the cruelty she was increasingly capable of putting out.

Ultimately, after 17 years I had to give up as it became clear that she would never be able to become the loving person I had always felt she had the potential of being.

But I learned my lessons from each, and now realize that, although I will never find a person who is without injury of some kind... to only go for those who show real evidence of understanding their damage, and overcoming it.
 

honeydew

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I have been in a realtionship with someone who was severly hurt in his past. I loved him as deeply as I have loved anyone. I knew what I was in for and let him know I would be there as long as we both worked on the relationship. He stopped working and fell into old habits of blaming . I could not do that and we ended the relationship. I still love him, I just cannot live with him.
 

LaFemme

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Great discussion going on with a lot of awesome thoughts. Just wanted to add a little twist to the mix.

Everyone can have damage or baggage and may not even realize it.

True situation: a combat commando with numerous medals and honors from dozens of highly dangerous successful missions completed without so much as ever having shivered or flinched in the face of death....years later when retired to civilian life suddenly starts having panic and anxiety causing him to freeze up at times of even mild confrontation for no known reason...then it can happen to ANYONE. It took a long time for him to get better. But he was never completely cured of it. Too much shit his mind had seen.

That said, if it's true that alls fair in love and war, and if they are even remotely similar, then it stands to reason that it's quite possible for many people that there's too much shit that's been seen. Funny thing is that there's no way of knowing if you or anyone else has seen too much shit. One can never really know how much damage the heart and mind have taken until it starts showing.

So anyone who says they are undamaged is either completely guessing or else they have never experienced any love or war.

My point is that maybe we should judge others less because we might not only miss out on the love of our life, but we might wind up being wrong about ourselves too. It would sure suck to have someone we truly love leave us because of baggage we didn't know was there.

I have a close friend who is married to an ex-military man. When they married he was tall, healthy, good looking and exciting. Then he went on a "peace-keeping" mission and served as a medic. He picked up more body parts than anyone could imagine, children too. He suffers from extreme PTSD. He can't be in crowds, he has lost his short term memory, he paces at night and clings to her. He is not the man she married. He is still tall and good looking, but he is so different. He has been damaged.

But she loves him. She is tender with him. And he is trying. He sees different therapists, he tries to challenge himself, he tries to be a part of the family. She could run, and there are many military wives who have run, but he is the love of her life and this damaged man is still the man she married.
 

aninnymouse

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But I learned my lessons from each, and now realize that, although I will never find a person who is without injury of some kind... to only go for those who show real evidence of understanding their damage, and overcoming it.

This.

I think it's all about how you approach being damaged. If you approach it as another challenge, and something to work through, I think it's better, as opposed to using it as an excuse, or just living in your own world, as though you are perfect.

Everyone has damage, everyone has bones in their closet, and things in their past they'd like to forget. It's how you approach it.

In many ways, I think that this is the difference between being damaged, and being irretrievably broken.
 

redbear52

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My wife told me she was molested as a young teen by a friend of her father. She didn't tell anyone because she feared her father would have killed him. I don't know the details but I gather he fingered her but did not rape her in the strict sense of the term.

It hasn't been a huge deal but she really doesn't care to have me stimulate her with my fingers all that much and I suspect it has given her some mild issues regarding men and sex.
 

hrdhatdad

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There is a big difference between people that have experienced trauma and persons with a personality disorder. Trauma can be overcome with hard work and support. There is no cure for a personality disorder such as borderline, antisocial or narcissism (stay away from those). I spent 10 years as an inpatient counselor in mental health before changing careers.
 

concupisys

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ahh, so many things i can relate to in the last few posts.... the past 4 years of my life have been riddled with all kinds of trauma coupled with self-discovery as well as self-destruction.... i call it my 'hell'.... before this time, i ignored any damage that i incurred as a child and young adult, and simply lived the way society expected me to.... for a long time i was extremely successful, but before long, winds of change came along and kept blowing at such an increasing rate against me that i eventually shut down and could not move... i basically abandoned the life that i created for myself up to that point, and eventually found myself among the most unruly and unfavourable people you could possibly imagine.... i was still holding my own, but the things i witnessed and experienced during this 'hell' period have completely changed me as a person.... it has now basically set the tone for this next period of my life, and i can only say that i understand myself a lot better now, and know deep down that my shortcomings may never completely disappear.... the pain heals, but the psychological scars are so disfiguring to my personality that i will never see myself as a 'beautiful' or 'attractive' person regardless of how i may look physically or seem to appear to people.... many people who have been through similar experiences in their lives will never see this invisible disfigurement, and therefore never be able to adjust their own sense of being to accommodate it.... for this reason (and it scares me to death,) they will never be able to find happiness within themselves; let alone other people....
 

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I am severly damaged due to the worst childhood imaginable, multiple abusive relationships, an abusive marriage, suicidal depression from a very young age, anorexia nervosa which is now EDNOS, and a battle with self medicating with the bottle.

I am now in a place that I have come to terms with most of my abuse and don't feel hate for any of my abusers. I am not depressed for the first time in my memory, i am a loving mother of 2 disabled children and overall very happy. Once I got to this stage I started seeing people again and I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who I love and trust ( i have never trusted anyone before). Now my only issues are EDNOS and difficulties arrising from my Autism and other medical issues. I am upfront and honest about it all so there is no secrets. I don't try to make it sound like easier or worse then it is. I am lucky he is accepting. I do however downplay and just not tell him quite a few things especially about my mental health some days because it would make him upset and i havont gone into my childhood although if he wanted to ask questions i would answer them honestly. I chose to not make my past dictate my future happiness.

One thing I wish I could change is that sometimes I need someone to hold me while i cry especially on the bad days. I will never ask anyone to do this as I have been conditioned to battle on and never ask for anything for fear that I will offend and either be abused in some way or made fun of or just be an inconvienience.
 
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