Low sex drive?

[pajohnnyboy]

Hi. My wife and I have been married for 23 yrs and when we are both in the mood, the sex is unbelievable. My wife's attitude towards intimacy has always been very conservative and it seems that she could go for weeks without feeling the desire for sex. She is a vegetarian and seems to be tired all the time. Over the years I have learned to be patient until she is in the mood or sometimes will just come out and ask her for sex. Another issue is that her period usually lasts at least 7 full days, sometimes and extra day or two. About the only time I know she will have the desire for sex is right after her period. If I don't initiate sex during the less than three weeks she does not have her period, I think we would only be intimate once a month. I think she would like sex more often, but between her period and being tired, (and the kids) the infrequency is very difficult for me. I have tried many times to discuss this with her, but we always end up in an argument and I end up feeling like I am a pervert for asking for sex at least once a week.

What happens around the end of my wife's period that increases her libido? Is there a safe product that I could buy that would increase her libido at other times during the month? Any thoughts about how to increase my wifes sex drive would be greatly appreciated.

 

[D_alex8]

She is a vegetarian and seems to be tired all the time.

I doubt these issues are related unless she is very negligent in ensuring balance within her diet (just as would be the case with omnivores). I've been a horny vegetarian since I was 18.

 

[windtalkerways]

I think possibly a check up to see if
she is anemic might be in order.
Especially because her periods last
7-9 days.

Generally women become more aroused
the week preceding and possibly during
menses.

Also, some women so identify with being
a mother while children are young, that
marital relations are the furthest thing
from their mind.

Taking care of the prolonged periods/
tiredness would be the first order of
business in my estimation.

 

[madame_zora]

Well, without knowing her health, I would suggest an iron supplement because of the excessive periods. I have this too, and it's really a tough thing to just live with. There is no known way to make a woman with a heavy cycle more "normal", so it is something that she, and you will just have to endure. That's part one.

Part two is being a vegetarian. I also did this for a number of years, although no longer. As Alex said, if she knowledgably balances her diet, she should not lose energy, but in my experience, many vegetarians don't. They just don't eat meat. That's not good enough, and that could be an issue, or at least a contributing factor.

Part three is that some people, most often women, do seem to lose interest in sex. If you have tried to discuss it, and have come away from those conversations feeling pervy, that is truly a shame. A healthy sexual relationship is part of a marriage, and inherant in the vows. Withholding sex is grounds for divorce in some states! Now, I know you're not heading in that direction at all, I only mention it to illustrate how important it is to a relationship.

If you've been married 23 years, then your children are probably not young. Being a mother is not so full time a job that she doesn't have anything left for your marriage. If that truly is her stance, then perhaps you should ask her what your marriage means. You didn't get married to be platonic buddies.

Sometimes people have serious health issues that prevent them from enjoying a healthy sex life, but this sounds more like a simple case of neglect. She needs to take care of herself better so she doesn't feel like crap all the time, and she needs to decide what it means to be married. It isn't just having a man pay the bills. I get sick to death hearing women moan on an on about how overwhelming their life is. Puh-leeze! Too tired to enjoy your spouse? Then don't piss and moan when he finds open arms somewhere else.

 

[Mumzi]

I'm not sure this is the best place to ask. I don't think the average woman is reading the LPSG posts.
There are always 2 sides to a story and there may be more to this than is stated in the post. Most of all, what's going on with her; is there a lack of sex drive, discomfort (irritation) or is there something in the marriage that has caused animosity.

Marriage vows also say something about for better or worse. This is one of those worse times.

For the most part your wife is not that unusual, Woman do loose sex drive. As we age, so do our ovaries.
Ovaries produce estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. We too need testosterone for sex drive.
If you were to loose testosterone, you would loose your sex drive. Women rarely want sex as often as men.
We are not on the same schedule. I don't know how or why the sexes were designed so differently, but we are.

I am a midwife, similar to a private duty nurse. I deliver babies in home, or birthing center.
You get very close to a woman when you are caring for her during pregnancy and child birth.
I've talked to a lot of women these last 13 years and I hear many of the same stories. It seems that women
have stages of ups and downs, but it is very common for a women to loose her sex drive as she ages.

We really are put together for reproduction. Even tho in this day and age women are having babies later in life, our bodies are set up to reproduce between 16-28 when the hormones are at their highest.
They are at their highest because that is when a women is at her peak health, her body is strongest and more able to carry the child, and then care for it. ( I know, there are many healthy, strong 40 & 50 yo women)
But biology dictates that we are more fertile in those years. We have a sex drive so we will procreate.

Men have a sex drive longer due to testosterone, and because it is the males job to 'seed the forest', so to speak. He does not need to carry the child, give birth and care for the child.
Females are programmed to loose the sex drive earlier in life. Females sex drive is hormone driven and psychological. But one compliments the other.

It is possible that your wife may benefit from a simple testosterone patch. It is transdermal and there are very low does patches out there.
But in all fairness, it is not right for any of us to dx your wife without knowing her or hearing her side.

But I'll tell that is not that unusual. I think you find this out if you talk to her ob/gyn doc.
You could also contact a place http://www.bermancenter.com/ They are 2 sisters, one a psychologist and one a urologist and they deal in female sexuality.
You need to talk to an expert in female sexuality. It isn't fair to your wife to come to a group of strangers ( who may judge her harshly - may not have been in a long term marriage) and then assume they are right.
Nor would you want her to come to a site and ask the people there what they think of you.

This is between you and your wife. She may have no idea why she does not desire sex. When a man can't get it up, we understand, he can't get it up- there's proof.
When a women can't get it up- there is no proof, she just can't seem to function and she probably doesn't know why.

Have patience. You'd want her to do the same for you. Do some research, and see if you can talk to someone who is a professional in WOMENS sexuality. Good luck, and realize, you are far from alone.

 

[madame_zora]

Mumzi, I appreciate your professional opinion and the sites you posted, but this site IS here to discuss personal issues! From everything I've read, women reach their sexual peak in their late 30's or early 40's. You see women right after they have babiers, and obviously then their attention is diverted. For a couple married 23 years, that's probably not the reason.

I agree wholeheartedly that an expert on sexuality, both male and female, should be sought. Too many couples just live unhappily, or rather the man lives unhappily so as not to upset the wife, and that's just not okay. If BOTH people's needs aren't addressed in a relationship, then it's not a healthy relationship.

 

[Gisella]

Agree with everybody above.

For sure check her blood to find out about anemy and et.:wink:

 

[pajohnnyboy]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I have been doing some research and thought this forum might offer a different perspective.

 

[Sam Beckett]

Yeah women reach their sexual peak quite late in life. I did say to my 'lover' though, imagine what she'll be like when she's 30...She didn't used to be in the mood a lot and would actually turn me down (*gasp*) but now, she gets real horny and starts telling ME what to do.

A few things are:We talk
We kiss a lot, I touch all over her body, kiss her neck, while I take care of business downstairs
We bought some new lube, called Durex Play Heat that seems to have really spiced things up/brought out her inner sex fiend

About her libido - its probably the hormones. The time of the month messes them up, can make her moody, happy, horny or depressed etc. Maybe a checkup about the anemia. When you do talk to her about it try not to argue, or raise your voice. I know her being a girl she probably will raise hers lol but try and be calm and subtle. Maybe say 'what's the thing you like most about us? Anything we could improve'? And have a discussion...

BTW, my girl's period lasts a long time, about 9 days! She isn't anemic or anything and is perfectly healthy, its just the contraceptive pill she's on. Good luck.

Another thing I hear is mothers don't 'feel sexy' after having children, and need the hubby to do something like a romantic meal, or buy sexy underwear, wait on her hand and foot etc.Maybe try to do something you did when you were first going out but haven't done for ages, or to re-enact the night you first met, go to that same place or something.

 

[windtalkerways]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I have been doing some research and thought this forum might offer a different perspective.

Well, you could always try it from
another angle. If your wife is tired,
offer to help more around the house.

Share chores, make supper or take
the responsibility for the kids more.

I have no idea if you are already
doing any of this or the age of your
children, just offering another take.

Also, it might help to court her.
Remember back to the beginning of
a relationship before debt and kids
and myriad responsiblity intruded?

How did you treat her then? Made
her feel special with thoughful
gestures? She may appreciate being
made to feel that way again and it
will reawaken her desire to explore
the sexual side of her nature again.

 

[faceking]

Well, you could always try it from
another angle. If your wife is tired,
offer to help more around the house.

Share chores, make supper or take
the responsibility for the kids more.

I have no idea if you are already
doing any of this or the age of your
children, just offering another take.

Also, it might help to court her.
Remember back to the beginning of
a relationship before debt and kids
and myriad responsiblity intruded?

How did you treat her then? Made
her feel special with thoughful
gestures? She may appreciate being
made to feel that way again and it
will reawaken her desire to explore
the sexual side of her nature again.

Fidelity?

 

[windtalkerways]

Fidelity?

Pardon?