LPSG knows so much about me - probably more than I do

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by Quite Irate, Aug 4, 2007.

  1. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    A few minutes ago it occured to me to sign in here and see what was going on, after not having been on for 3 weeks (and having only logged on to check PMs for a while before that). I never before realised how much LPSG knows about me. I've basically chronicled a good deal of my young adult life on here, in only a relatively small amount of posts. Despite how my perception of myself and the world around me have changed since I joined, I can't help but feel like I don't really know anything more that I did before. When I joined I was a bisexual male. Then I was a bisexual male with hormone complications. Now I'm intersexed. And yet, I'm still...me. I act the same, feel the same, love the same, which brings me to the conclusion of - why the hell have I wasted so much time listening to people tell me what I am, when I've known myself better than they ever could all along? It seems like what should be a process of learning and discovery has only shown me that...well, I am who I am, and nothing's changing that. I don't have the slightest clue where I'm going with this, but I just really need to post something right now. I can't stand second guessing and not feeling as if I truly know anything. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to grasp the reigns and start leading my life for myself. That's not to say I don't feel content (nay, ecstatic) with how my life is right now, I just don't feel as if I'm in control, and frankly, that frightens me.

    This should be the 5934089234807120484th time I've poured my heart out to LPSG. Can any older users help me out?
     
  2. arliss

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    intersexed? do you have a penis or a vagina?
     
  3. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    You've never had control and never will.
    That's the price of admission to life.
     
  4. IntoxicatingToxin

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    What is there that you need to truly know? You know that you exist. You know that you're here. You know that you have life. All you have to figure out now is what you're going to do with it...
     
  5. SpoiledPrincess

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    You might feel you don't know any more about yourself but you have actually learned something, that what other people think of you doesn't matter as much as what you know and think about yourself. Your perception of yourself is coloured by how other people see you and when they confirm that what they think is what you always thought all along that is helpful isn't it. Don't think that getting any older means you know yourself better, you just become easier with knowing that you're never going to really feel any different that you do now, the world's still as confusing but we get used to feeling confused and it's not quite as scary.
     
  6. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    That's not exactly the most advanced way of determining gender. Google it.
     
  7. b.c.

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    The problem was trying to define your sexuality to some _____ odd thousand complete strangers in the first place (as if it's any of their business anyway).

    Don't bother with that ___% ____% b.s. You know who you are and that's fine.

    Let em go figure.
     
  8. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    I'm confused now. I don't know whether to give you any advice or not. :confused:
     
  9. bstexas

    bstexas Member

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    This could be sorta like the Wizard of Oz and you're Dorothy. Even tho u have been around, asked questions, gotten answers, evolved and retruned back to where you really are. You knew all along but needed all the BS, outside perspectives to realize that. Life is ever changing, we never stay the same. That is what makes it so interesting. You've evolved into who you are and maybe what you were all along. Go with it.
     
  10. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    I try not to let it happen, but often times my worries, lack of confidence in my abilities, etc., end up translating into gender frustration (naturally, that's the most immediate outlet for me). Knowing this, I keep slipping into the thought pattern of "how I perceive my gender and myself determines everything else about me" - I know it isn't true, but I get the feeling that confusion and lack of a definite answer relating to something as fundamental as gender impairs my chances of figuring out other aspects of my life. Even now, I'm struggling trying to phrase it. I consider myself to be a good writer and am generally concise and clear in describing my feelings on a certain subject, but when it comes to talking about myself, I can never find the words. This is another problem I can't get around.
     
  11. arliss

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    not trying to determine your gender..I was merely asking a question.:smile:
     
  12. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    I have a penis. It works. Very well, in fact. I'm not a hermaphrodite, so I don't have a vagina as well. Internally, I'm intersexed. Make sense?
     
  13. Male Bonding etc

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    Ah, Rubi, I think I have to look "nihilism" up, but I think that may describe your post... and not sure I can agree.

    TM Meg, I find your words comforting today, and I hope QI will feel so as well when returning to read again in another three weeks or whenever.

    And Princess, fight it though I may, I am such an Anglophile (and somewhere deep inside a royalist to boot) I have a predisposition to like what you write, even though in truth I sometimes disagree. Still, I think you've put some gems out here today... worthy of serious consideration and thought.

    Quite Irate, I often steer clear of your posts because I'm seldom sure I know how to take them. You really do seem to be in a very different place from me. However, I remember a time in college when some missionaries arrived at a suitemate's room. A bunch of us swimmers were there at first, but when I chose to debate the missionaries, everybody else cleared out.

    How this relates to what you said is that one of them told me that I would be confused and wandering in this life if I didn't let Jesus take charge for me. I don't remember his exact words, but they were something like "you will feel so much better if you let Jesus take control." Well, fuck that, I have always felt better when I was in control of my life. Oh, sure, things over which we have absolutely NO control do happen to us, and we will be confused, and we will wander at times, BUT I also am not easy with releasing all control to someone else, higher being or not.

    This life is not about simply accepting everything as God's will or as something beyond our control. The beauty of the serenity prayer for me is that it acknowledges that we do have at least some control. I'll throw it in here for those who've somehow not learned it:
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
    The courage to CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN and
    The WISDOM to know the difference.

    I think as we age we begin to have more of that wisdom regarding what we can and cannot change.
     
  14. SpoiledPrincess

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    Hey QI, when we're young we wonder about ourselves, we don't know what part we're going to play in the future, where we will be in ten years, what we feel about ourselves, why is life so bloody confusing and I think you probably don't feel any different from anyone your age except you have a more concrete thing to fix your confusion on. You know what your sexuality is and I've spoken to you and you seem perfectly happy with that, so you don't have that to ponder as a lot of people your age do, you always seem very grounded and happy with your life in general apart from this mystery of what sex you actually are, so maybe you've just got a very obvious thing you can name to hang on all your frustrations and confusions about life. I think what you're feeling is just what every young un feels but they don't have anything that they can point to and say 'this is the reason i'm confused.' If you didn't have this issue wouldn't you still be feeling the same, confused and frustrated, and be wondering about something else?

    And Male Bonding, thank you, you may not always agree with what I say but I hope you will agree that whatever I say I always try to be as honest in my feelings and opinions about it as I can.
     
  15. Quite Irate

    Quite Irate Member

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    You steer clear of my posts? RAWR.

    My frustration isn't so much that I'm lost or confused, but that I know what you're saying is true and yet I continue to feel as if I should have an explanation for things I really don't need explanations for.
     
  16. SpoiledPrincess

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    You'll have to get used to that QI, that never goes away :)

    Seriously, although you say you're not interested in people's opinions I've chatted with you in the chat room as many people here have and taking your youth into account you're confident, mature and bright, you already have a lot going for you that lots of your peers don't.
     
  17. ultra-man

    ultra-man New Member

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    You've substituted an essentially meaningless adjective for some words which, despite their imprecision, were at least communication tools with widely-understood definitions.

    I can see why you're disappointed. That kind of progress we can all do without.
     
  18. IntoxicatingToxin

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    Well, if you don't need explanations for things, then STOP thinking that you need them! Why do you need the explanations? Do you think it'll make your life easier? I know it's not easy to do... but life is what you make it. All you have to do is choose. Too many people don't realize how much control they have over their lives and they wind up thinking they're a victim (I'm not saying you are, but... I'm just sayin'). Life is all about the choices you make. Choose to stop caring what others think about you. Choose to be happy with who you are. Choose to do something positive with your life. Choose to do what makes you happy. If you don't know what makes you happy, then make a choice to figure that out. You can do whatever you want in this life, you just have to choose it.
     
  19. Male Bonding etc

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    Ah, well, you are indeed human. We all do feel that way at times, especially if we are thoughtful people... but also when we are about your age, it can be particularly intense.
     
  20. Not_Punny

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    Hello QI,

    I'm fairly new here (although I'm sure everyone is sick of me by now!), and this is my first "meeting" with you.

    I googled "intersexed" and read your posts here. WOW! That's frigging awesome!!! Not only that, but you're extremely beautiful.

    Some people say that there aren't going to be any males, in a traditional sense, a thousand years from now -- so maybe you're a genetic glimpse of the future.

    In any case, your pictures are fantastic, you have an amazing sense of style, and I wish that I could appoint you as my personal dresser!

    I'm glad to have met you. :wink:
     
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