Lust and desire outside of a relationship

[canadian_guy486]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He’s my first ever long term relationship. I met him at a time when my heart was broken by my first love and I was vulnerable and very emotionally broken. In the beginning it was the usual honeymoon stage where we just couldn’t get enough of each other and I couldn’t wait to see him again at the end of the day.

Over time however, I started feeling different. I was deeply closeted for many many years and denied myself any kind of sexual experience with men for a long time. I jumped into this relationship hard and fast as that’s what I thought I wanted at the time, and was trying to fill the hole in my heart that was left after my first breakup. Now however, I’m starting to yearn…

I think about other men a lot. Like a lot... I see a man I’m attracted to and I just want to know what he smells like, what he tastes like. I want to know what his dick looks like. What it would be like to feel a different man inside me than the same one I’ve had for the last 4 years. My curiosity is getting the better of me.

Last night I started chatting with this guy on Twitter. I don’t even know who he is, he’s just a random dude I connected with years ago over a tv show we both liked. We randomly started DM’ing, talking about the certain men on the new season of this show and how attractive they are. One thing led to another and things got steamy. We started bantering back and forth about being with each other, what we would do with each other sexually etc. I guess it might be considered sexting? Not even sure why it went there. I guess we were just horny. We never took it further than just words. No pics or videos were exchanged, and no orgasms were had (not by me at least). But it was like a blazing fire ignited in me. That excitement of talking to someone new. Being naughty and saying things I honestly can’t even imagine saying to my boyfriend. This insane euphoria came over me that I haven’t felt in a long long time which lasted for hours after. It was wild and I wanted more. And I’m not sure what to take from this.

I would never act on any of these feelings in real life. I lost my virginity to a guy at 32, so I know a thing or two about abstaining. I just don’t know how or even if I should have a conversation with my boyfriend about what I’ve been feeling. I don’t see any outcome that would benefit either of us. We’ve been a bit rocky the last little bit for reasons I won’t get into now, but we continue on. He’s my best friend. And I do love him. I can push these feelings down and just continue on with how things are now. But for how long? I’ve tried to spice things up in the past. Role playing, toys, different positions, different locations other than our bedrooms. But the yearning continues to persist.

Anyway, tl;dr. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to get out of this post. Feel free to provide insight.

 

[winesthel945]

What you are describing is basically how most folks find themselves exploring open relationships and polyamory. "New relationship energy" is that euphoria you experience when first meeting someone new and interesting.

The good news is that love and sex and desire are not "zero sum"... meaning that there's not a finite amount of it such that if you want to share some with someone new, you don't have to take it away from someone you already love.

I'd suggest you do some reading.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures: Hardy, Janet W., Hardy, Janet W.: 8580001051055: Amazon.com: Books

Married, With Infidelities (Published 2011)

https://hellorelish.com/articles/open-relationships-how-to-do-donts.html

Open Relationships: Guide to Navigating Ethical Non-Monogamy

 

[dana2]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He’s my first ever long term relationship. I met him at a time when my heart was broken by my first love and I was vulnerable and very emotionally broken. In the beginning it was the usual honeymoon stage where we just couldn’t get enough of each other and I couldn’t wait to see him again at the end of the day.

Over time however, I started feeling different. I was deeply closeted for many many years and denied myself any kind of sexual experience with men for a long time. I jumped into this relationship hard and fast as that’s what I thought I wanted at the time, and was trying to fill the hole in my heart that was left after my first breakup. Now however, I’m starting to yearn…

I think about other men a lot. Like a lot... I see a man I’m attracted to and I just want to know what he smells like, what he tastes like. I want to know what his dick looks like. What it would be like to feel a different man inside me than the same one I’ve had for the last 4 years. My curiosity is getting the better of me.

Last night I started chatting with this guy on Twitter. I don’t even know who he is, he’s just a random dude I connected with years ago over a tv show we both liked. We randomly started DM’ing, talking about the certain men on the new season of this show and how attractive they are. One thing led to another and things got steamy. We started bantering back and forth about being with each other, what we would do with each other sexually etc. I guess it might be considered sexting? Not even sure why it went there. I guess we were just horny. We never took it further than just words. No pics or videos were exchanged, and no orgasms were had (not by me at least). But it was like a blazing fire ignited in me. That excitement of talking to someone new. Being naughty and saying things I honestly can’t even imagine saying to my boyfriend. This insane euphoria came over me that I haven’t felt in a long long time which lasted for hours after. It was wild and I wanted more. And I’m not sure what to take from this.

I would never act on any of these feelings in real life. I lost my virginity to a guy at 32, so I know a thing or two about abstaining. I just don’t know how or even if I should have a conversation with my boyfriend about what I’ve been feeling. I don’t see any outcome that would benefit either of us. We’ve been a bit rocky the last little bit for reasons I won’t get into now, but we continue on. He’s my best friend. And I do love him. I can push these feelings down and just continue on with how things are now. But for how long? I’ve tried to spice things up in the past. Role playing, toys, different positions, different locations other than our bedrooms. But the yearning continues to persist.

Anyway, tl;dr. I’m not even sure what I’m looking to get out of this post. Feel free to provide insight.

I am in an LTR for nearly 30 years. Monogamous at first but we changed to open because we both were cheating. The good thing about an open relationship is that it provides an escape valve for built up sexual tension and desires. These desires can build up and cause negative tension and resentment. An occasional fling will diffuse those tensions. One bad thing about open relationships is there is always the possibility of emotional entanglement. Especially if you are in an open relationship and get involved with a single guy who becomes very into you. I've been there.

"One thing led to another and things got steamy. We started bantering back and forth about being with each other, what we would do with each other sexually etc. I guess it might be considered sexting? Not even sure why it went there. I guess we were just horny. We never took it further than just words. No pics or videos were exchanged, and no orgasms were had (not by me at least). But it was like a blazing fire ignited in me. That excitement of talking to someone new. Being naughty and saying things I honestly can’t even imagine saying to my boyfriend. This insane euphoria came over me that I haven’t felt in a long long time which lasted for hours after. "

Based on my experience, if you met this dude you've been having steamy sexy DMs with for a sexual rendezvous it will be a profound disappointment. These kinds of chats can build to a very high level of erotic energy "insane euphoria" that will be impossible to achieve if you actually met this guy for sex. I've been there. That is one reason I no longer have sexy DMs and chats. Other reason being I always end up accidentally sending sexy messages to the wrong people! LOL!

 

[SyncroPC]

I'm in a long term relationship that when we started it was already decided my boyfriend would be abroad for a couple months in the same year and then almost one whole year abroad in the following, so we sorta got cornered in discussing these issues from the very beginning.

My instance from the very beginning was that
"I'm a guy too. I understand as men we get horny, you are (were) only 22 and sometimes we might end doing something we usually wouldn't do because it was the right guy in front of us right when we were drunk and horny. What I do not appreciate though, is lying or hiding. I'm not saying I want an open relationship right now, but I do think I would be a lot more open to talk if you want to do something like that in advance (or if you come to tell me right away if it happened) than if I was to find out years later that you actually did something and spent all these years hiding/lying to me."

It took some time to adjust things and get us both in the same page (like for example if you should tell a gay guy you just met that you have a boyfriend), but we got to a very comfortable position now.
While we haven't really consumed any sexual relation outside yet, we do talk about guys we find attractive, show each other any texting we do with random people on apps (and sometimes we do get sent nudes and stuff like that) and had threesomes we people we met when clubbing together.

I'm not really sure we would call it an "open relationship", but in the end of the day I think if we are able to be honest with each other, anything can be worked around. However, if either of you have standards that aren't being achieved but can't be discussed either, there will always be some sort of tension going on.

 

[Im23XXzz]

First of all: don’t cheat, it’s not worth it. Disregarding how you’d make him feel - you yourself would feel so incredibly guilty for so long… that’s just not worth the very fleeting pleasure of cheating.

Secondly: it sounds like you’re a gayby and have very limited experience with guys. Exploring your sexuality, your likes and dislikes, and simply just experiencing different people is an important part of growing up sexually. Simply put: you’re not ready to be monogamous. You really should talk to your partner about this. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Being allowed to have experiences outside of your relationship can be a wonderful experience, where you can explore without the guilt and you won’t be breaking his trust.

Maybe after a while you won’t feel the need to go outside of the relationship anymore. Or maybe you will still want to. Both outcomes are okay and you can have a great relationship either way.

 

[numerito]

You have been getting excellent advice, @canadian_guy486 I will add my 2 cents.

I have been with my boyfriend (now spouse) for 20+ years, and our relationship has been open since the very beginning. Since my sexual drive and appetite are significantly higher than his (even though I am 10 years older), he understood that I needed “extra curricular activities” to keep my libido in check. Our fundamental rule is simply to be totally open to each other. It has worked for us: communication, communication, communication. I hope this helps.

 

[Brodie888]

What you are describing is the feeling of lust. Lust happens at the start of every relationship and fades over time. This is normal.

If you want to be perpetually in the lust phase, don't have long term relationships. The down side of this though is that if you do this for too long, all the good guys will be taken and you run the risk of being alone later in life.

Or as others have suggested, find someone who is after an open relationship.

An open relationship with a guy is basically a housemate who is also your best friend with benefits.

if neither of these sound appealing you may just need to reconsider what is fantasy and what is reality.

 

[dana2]

What you are describing is the feeling of lust. Lust happens at the start of every relationship and fades over time. This is normal.

If you want to be perpetually in the lust phase, don't have long term relationships. The down side of this though is that if you do this for too long, all the good guys will be taken and you run the risk of being alone later in life.

Or as others have suggested, find someone who is after an open relationship.

An open relationship with a guy is basically a housemate who is also your best friend with benefits.

if neither of these sound appealing you may just need to reconsider what is fantasy and what is reality.

There is what is now called NRE (New Relationship Energy), the intense lust that occurs at the beginning of relationships. NRE fades with time but there can still be intense lust in long term relationships. I've been with my partner for a long time and still have very strong lust for him and always want to get in-between his legs and explore. I ask him to show me his ass and when he does I go nuts.