Lust vs love

[niceness]

So I have come to a tough crossroads in my young life.

I have been seeing a guy for the past 6 weeks and have grown to be quite fond of him. He has grown more than fond of me and wants us to start a serious relationship. While I do care for him greatly and feel that I will be able to love him one day, I do not lust after him with a deep passion.

On the other hand, since my previous break-up 8 months ago, I have been enjoying meaningless sex with people. I see a hot guy and immediately get horny. But as soon as we have sex, I have no more interest in that person.

The ultimate goal in life should be to find the person that has an equal balance of lust and love. But what should I look for at the current moment? By sticking with random sex (while staying safe), I am more likely to find that person. But I feel like I would be happier in the short term by finding someone I can love.

What is the happy medium?

 

[keenobserver]

So I have come to a tough crossroads in my young life.

I have been seeing a guy for the past 6 weeks and have grown to be quite fond of him. He has grown more than fond of me and wants us to start a serious relationship. While I do care for him greatly and feel that I will be able to love him one day, I do not lust after him with a deep passion.

On the other hand, since my previous break-up 8 months ago, I have been enjoying meaningless sex with people. I see a hot guy and immediately get horny. But as soon as we have sex, I have no more interest in that person.

The ultimate goal in life should be to find the person that has an equal balance of lust and love. But what should I look for at the current moment? By sticking with random sex (while staying safe), I am more likely to find that person. But I feel like I would be happier in the short term by finding someone I can love.

What is the happy medium?

Happy mediums sometimes take a while to emerge. It will be hard to find when you are always looking ahead to the next encounter. You have met a guy you like, but he does not immediately set off the bells and whistles. Perhaps being exclusive with him will lead to a deeper, more satisfying relationship that does set off those bells and whistles. Perhaps it won't. You loose interest in the hot guys after the hook up - yet you keep seeing the same guy regularly. Hmmm. That's interesting.

What you want you may already have, but you are not committing - perhaps because you are afraid you'll miss something? You won't. There's always a hot guy out there. Let him wait. Focus on this guy and let your feelings develop without any distractions. You don't seem like your giving yourself or him a chance.

It may not be your ultimate perfect relationship, but you won't know until you try. Often just liking someone is a better foundation than lusting for them. Yet out of that great love, satisfaction and desire often appear, when you least expect it.

 

[hvdude]

When my 20+ year relationship started I was in the hunt, capture, bed and toss mode. I actually didn't want a relationship with my (now) husband, but he wouldn't give up. At the beginning the sex was great, but as time went on what was more important was having common interests and goals and building a life together. He brings out the best in me and I him. These days sex is off the table, and we're both ok with that, but I can't imagine my life without him.

So ask yourself: Do you like him - is he what you would consider a nice guy and if you met him would you want to be friends with him? Do you have things in common with him - things as simple as "we both like Italian food" or "we both love the XMen Series"? Does he "get" you and want to know more about you and are you interested in learning more about him?

As for the meaningless sex - yeah, it's fun. Hot sex with hot guys. When it's over, though, where are you? Back at home alone.

 

[DavidXL]

Love needs lust or else it's something other than romantic love - it's a friendship or a partnership or a living arrangement. I'm not knocking those types of relationships at all - they're just something different. Romantic love needs lust. If you don't have lust with this person, you'll just end up looking for it elsewhere and either have to do it on the sly or in the open. Or else you bottle it up inside you and stifle it as best you can. There's also a chance you'll end up hurting this person unless lust and passion aren't important to him and he feels the same lust-less way about you that you do about him.

It sounds like you are looking for assurances that you should settle for something less than what you really want. My advice: keep looking, don't settle!

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[chigitychaunc]

I have the opposite situation right now. Her and I connect on an otherworldly level in the bedroom but she drives me batshit 8/10 in the day to day of dating. its approaching a year of off and on and I just cant take it. We were just apart for 2 months and I inexplicably texted her last week, and she yelled at me for 2 hrs and then we screwed 3 times and now it's all weird this week. And I kinda wanna just stop answering.

Oh life.

 

[sangheili90]

Only you would know the answer to that, a bunch of random idiots on the internet, including myself, are in no position to tell you what you really need at this stage in your life.

Good luck, bud