Lusting when you're in love...

[bluekarma]

When you're in love, is it okay to lust after someone other than your partner? Is it normal to notice someone who possesses that certain quality you find irresistable or who you find attractive and have that turn you on? Are there different degrees of lusting that could be considered worse than others? For instance, would it be okay to lust after a porn star that you jack off to, or pictures on a website, but not okay to lust after a hot coworker with who has the perfect (ass, tits, bulge, etc) that you have a fetish for, what about the person on the street who caught your eye, is it okay that their beautiful XYZ turned you on?

I know it is normal to look, and recognize beauty and sexiness and fantacy's. But when you're in love with someone, aren't they the person that should turn you on the most, shouldn't all others pale in comparison? To the point that seeing anyone other than that person would seem boring and in turn not "lust worthy"?

Also, if you respond....say what type of relationship you're in: married, LTR, dating, etc...

 

[Kylar]

Well, it really depends on how far you go with said lust. It's wrong if it leads you to cheating on your loved one, obviously. I think my father said it best, though.

"Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu."

(And I'm single, by the way, since you wanted to know)

 

[bluekarma]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I don't mean cheating in anyway. I mean just simply lusting in one's mind, just having a thought, or being turned on...not acting on it. If you are truly satisfied and in love, would this be occuring? Is it indeed human nature?

Well, it really depends on how far you go with said lust. It's wrong if it leads you to cheating on your loved one, obviously. I think my father said it best, though.

"Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu."

(And I'm single, by the way, since you wanted to know)

 

[ganja4me]

I'm single and I think it is normal for a good looking person that isn't your partner to turn you on. However, as you said all others should pale in comparison. When you are in love that means you are attracted to the person on a mental level and probably a physical level. As people say on here the brain is the biggest sex organ and if you are attracted to someone on a mental and physical level then someone who is just good looking to you is not going to matter too much.

 

[Kylar]

It is human nature to want what we can't have. Those feelings are natural, even if you've found the one for you. People may say they never think that way about anyone else, but they're probably lying and have thought like that at least once or twice. It's just a reflex to watch a hot guy or girl as they walk by you. But if you truly love the one you're with, then you're not going to act on those thoughts. If it bugs you that you're thinking that way, you should talk to the one you're with. Tell them you've had these thoughts, but you're in no way going to act on them. I'm sure they've had them as well.

 

[bluekarma]

Yeah, that makes sense...what both of you said. I understand the idea that finding somone attractive is going to happen, and as long as you don't act on it, it's okay. I'm guess I'm thinking more in terms of having something turn you on or make you horny or a regular basis....but I guess that's sort of the same thing?

 

[IntoxicatingToxin]

This is a tough one for me. I think it's normal to look, and I think it's normal to find other people attractive. However, I think lusting crosses a line. I am single at the moment, but about a year ago, I ended a 3 year relationship.... he and I had our fair share of problems, and it was when I started lusting after other guys that I realized the extent of our issues. I thought to myself, "Mark used to be the only one I thought about, and here I am daydreaming and lusting after other guys, and even thinking about them when I masturbate... something isn't right." I guess people operate differently, but in my experience, lusting was my sign that something was wrong.

 

[bluekarma]

Thanks Meg. You're so right about that. Fantacy during masterbation isn't an issue, or even daydreaming, just mostly an instantanious in the moment of seeing it type thing, then it isn't thought of again. I don't know, I guess this isn't the type thing that there is a real answer too...but I like seeing the different replies.

This is a tough one for me. I think it's normal to look, and I think it's normal to find other people attractive. However, I think lusting crosses a line. I am single at the moment, but about a year ago, I ended a 3 year relationship.... he and I had our fair share of problems, and it was when I started lusting after other guys that I realized the extent of our issues. I thought to myself, "Mark used to be the only one I thought about, and here I am daydreaming and lusting after other guys, and even thinking about them when I masturbate... something isn't right." I guess people operate differently, but in my experience, lusting was my sign that something was wrong.

 

[DC_DEEP]

Just because you are on a diet, that doesn't mean you can't look at the menu!

It would be unrealistic to expect yourself or anyone else to suddenly stop finding something attractive just because you are in a relationship. As mentioned before, if you don't act on it/cheat, there's no harm (as long as it doesn't become an obsession.) Regardless of how much we might like to think so, we aren't really in control of the thoughts that pass through our heads. A mature, honest, responsible adult, though, has enough self-control to decide not to act on it.

I'm in a long-term relationship, but we aren't exclusive in the strictest sense. We do occasionally have others join us, but we don't "secretly solicit." A package deal, you might call it.

 

[snoozan]

I'm coming from the standpoint of being married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind man-- one who is far more caring, interesting, and just generally a better person than just about everyone I've ever met. My entire family is so in awe of him and our relationship I am constantly told how great he is, how great he is for me, and how great of a father he is. I agree.

With that said...

I've fallen madly in lust with other men, to the point of it becoming a real issue in our marriage. It wasn't just physical, either. Part of it was because I was in school and my husband was working too much and this other guy paid a lot of attention to me, and was different from my husband in ways that were very attractive to me. This was a very extreme case of lust and emotional attachment, but as far as I know, it's not uncommon.

To me, marriage is, above all else, a committment. It's about the time you spend together making it work, taking care of each other, and consciously working to make the marraige good. It doesn't mean the relationship is pefect. It definitely doesn't mean that either partners are completely fulfilled in their relationship with one another. There is always this or that thing about your partner that you'd like to change.

At the end of the day, I feel that my marriage works because my husband and I can laugh at our life's various disasters, kiss our son on the head, and know that we will always do our best to have each other for the rest of our lives.

Lusting after someone else, testing those boundaries of yourself and your relationship are normal. Sometimes (but not all the time) they can indicate that there are problems that need to be worked on, and if they can't be fixed, the couple needs to split. But in most cases, having a case of the hot pants for the new guy in your office and getting giggly when he talks to you-- perfectly normal, in my opinion. In my experience, eventually those feelings go away and you can become very good friends with the person without it affecting your marriage/relationship at all. A lot of my male friends I was very attracted to at some point and it always fizzled out if I didn't get too hung up on the feelings and just saw them as a natural part of getting to know someone of the opposite sex. In some cases, after awhile, I wonder WTF I was thinking ever lusting after them in the first place.

So yeah, been there a ton of times. Will be a ton more.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

It depends what you mean by lusting, really - as others have said. Having strong physical attractions is fine and normal, obsessing on someone is taking it beyond lust if you ask me. If you are talking about a movie star / porn star thing then it's all just fantasy and I certainly don't have a problem with it. If it's a person in your life, well it gets a bit tricky. I think if you allow yourself to get caught up in the fantasy, start maybe looking to spend more time with the person for example, it's too much - if you just enjoy the view however, that's a different matter.
Basically - it is totally normal to find other people hot - and to have lustful feelings for them, but the closer to home it is the more of a lid you need to keep on it. I tell my husband exactly who of our friends and acquaintences I find attractive and he teases me about them - I find that keeps me nicely in check.

 

[bluekarma]

Just because you are on a diet, that doesn't mean you can't look at the menu!

It would be unrealistic to expect yourself or anyone else to suddenly stop finding something attractive just because you are in a relationship. As mentioned before, if you don't act on it/cheat, there's no harm (as long as it doesn't become an obsession.) Regardless of how much we might like to think so, we aren't really in control of the thoughts that pass through our heads. A mature, honest, responsible adult, though, has enough self-control to decide not to act on it.

I'm in a long-term relationship, but we aren't exclusive in the strictest sense. We do occasionally have others join us, but we don't "secretly solicit." A package deal, you might call it.

That's the second time someone's said that about the diet thing, hah! Thanks DC, I never thought about the fact we really aren't in control of our thoughts, etc and it's not like they overpower our actions. And if/when they do that's when there is a problem.

I'm coming from the standpoint of being married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind man-- one who is far more caring, interesting, and just generally a better person than just about everyone I've ever met. My entire family is so in awe of him and our relationship I am constantly told how great he is, how great he is for me, and how great of a father he is. I agree.

With that said...

I've fallen madly in lust with other men, to the point of it becoming a real issue in our marriage. It wasn't just physical, either. Part of it was because I was in school and my husband was working too much and this other guy paid a lot of attention to me, and was different from my husband in ways that were very attractive to me. This was a very extreme case of lust and emotional attachment, but as far as I know, it's not uncommon.

To me, marriage is, above all else, a committment. It's about the time you spend together making it work, taking care of each other, and consciously working to make the marraige good. It doesn't mean the relationship is pefect. It definitely doesn't mean that either partners are completely fulfilled in their relationship with one another. There is always this or that thing about your partner that you'd like to change.

At the end of the day, I feel that my marriage works because my husband and I can laugh at our life's various disasters, kiss our son on the head, and know that we will always do our best to have each other for the rest of our lives.

Lusting after someone else, testing those boundaries of yourself and your relationship are normal. Sometimes (but not all the time) they can indicate that there are problems that need to be worked on, and if they can't be fixed, the couple needs to split. But in most cases, having a case of the hot pants for the new guy in your office and getting giggly when he talks to you-- perfectly normal, in my opinion. In my experience, eventually those feelings go away and you can become very good friends with the person without it affecting your marriage/relationship at all. A lot of my male friends I was very attracted to at some point and it always fizzled out if I didn't get too hung up on the feelings and just saw them as a natural part of getting to know someone of the opposite sex. In some cases, after awhile, I wonder WTF I was thinking ever lusting after them in the first place.

So yeah, been there a ton of times. Will be a ton more.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how this helped me. I could've written this post, honestly. I've gone through the same thing so many times it's not funny. I think I just get drawn in easily. And you're right, it usually passes and then I'm like Eh? What? Him? Anyway, thanks for taking time to write that, really helped me out.

 

[B_Hickboy]

When you're in love, is it okay to lust after someone other than your partner? Is it normal to notice someone who possesses that certain quality you find irresistable or who you find attractive and have that turn you on? Are there different degrees of lusting that could be considered worse than others? For instance, would it be okay to lust after a porn star that you jack off to, or pictures on a website, but not okay to lust after a hot coworker with who has the perfect (ass, tits, bulge, etc) that you have a fetish for, what about the person on the street who caught your eye, is it okay that their beautiful XYZ turned you on?

I know it is normal to look, and recognize beauty and sexiness and fantacy's. But when you're in love with someone, aren't they the person that should turn you on the most, shouldn't all others pale in comparison? To the point that seeing anyone other than that person would seem boring and in turn not "lust worthy"?

Also, if you respond....say what type of relationship you're in: married, LTR, dating, etc...

I'm married and I lust after you every day.

 

[Lex]

I agree with DC DEEP's assessment.

 

[MovingForward]

I think it's normal. Im a flirt, and when people flirt back I get aroused. But not to the point where I would do something.

 

[Love-it]

Lust enhances love if you are tuned in correctly.

Lust is normal.

Lust but do not obsess.

Lust is nothing to brag about to your partner.


Married 32 years.

 

[dolfette]

lust is usually just a chemical thing anyway.

nature's way of saying "hey, see that one there? you two would make healthy babies!!".

turning that into some emotional disloyalty is just daft.

nobody can help that.
cheating is when you act on it.

 

[DC_DEEP]

That's the second time someone's said that about the diet thing, hah! Thanks DC, I never thought about the fact we really aren't in control of our thoughts, etc and it's not like they overpower our actions. And if/when they do that's when there is a problem.

Ha, sorry about that. Kylar was just quicker on the "submit" button than was I.

Oh, I mentioned in my post that I'm in a long-term relationship, but failed to mention that we have been a couple for 6 years, and living together for 5 years.

 

[rstrnt]

I think it is normal to lust. I think it is normal to have a fantasy about the person your lusting over. I think it is normal to masterbate thinking about this person.

If it becomes more than that, the honeymoon only lasts for so long. Once you really get to know the person, they are generally less than what you thought they were.

I have been with my partner for 6 years. Do I lust ... sure, but I wouldn't trade him in for anyone.

 

[Lifeguard]

Do I find women other than my wife attractive? Absolutely. Do I ever wonder what it would be like to fuck them? Sometimes. Would I ever pursue other women in hopes of fucking them? No. I've been married to the same beautiful woman for 29 years and her beauty extends beyond our fantastic sex!