Lying about my sexual status

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by putputt00, May 5, 2011.

  1. putputt00

    putputt00 Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    228
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    17
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ATL
    No one in my family knows that I like to be with guys, they are always asking me when am I going to get married or find a girl friend, I am getting very tired of lying to them. I just don't know how they would act if I told them that I like guys. I mean I even feel guilty after I masterbate to gay porn, It's just so hard feeling like this, I don't know what to say when they ask me am I ever going to find a girl friend I am just afraid of them looking at me differently:confused:
     
  2. putputt00

    putputt00 Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    228
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    17
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ATL
    I meant sexual statues excuse my spelling
     
  3. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    2,102
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    47
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Verified:
    Photo
    just tell them...you never know what their reaction will be until you do so...

    besides, life is too short to spend your days hiding who you are & you'll have no chance at true happiness living that way.

    and give yourself a break - don't feel guilty for being who you are...it's totally OK.
     
  4. monel

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2007
    Messages:
    1,687
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Male
    It's always been my view that you owe it to no one to disclose your sexual orientation. However as a practical matter this often requires one to practice a certain level of deceit. Therefore, if you desire to live as the person you are you will have to reveal yourself to those you love. You cannot control their reaction but you will have to live with the consequences. Is it more important for you to be who you are or have your family believe you to be someone else? Good luck with whatever choice you make.
     
  5. putputt00

    putputt00 Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    228
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    17
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ATL
    Yeah I know, thanks guys
     
  6. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    They'll get tired of asking when you are middle aged and still single. You can't please anyone if you aren't pleased first. So be your own best friend and try not to feel guilty for being as you were made.
     
  7. putputt00

    putputt00 Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    228
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    17
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ATL
    Thanks:smile:
     
  8. D_Phallus P Phyllum

    D_Phallus P Phyllum New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2008
    Messages:
    190
    Likes Received:
    0
    I disagree with this, personally, and don't think it's good avice. No offence to killerb.

    Your sexual preference is your business, and nobody elses. If you don't want to tell someone, don't; you are under no obligation to.

    I completely disagree and dislike this notion that "you'll have no chance at true happiness" unless you tell everyone your sexual orientation. There is no logical reason to assume telling people your personal business will automatically result in you becoming happier; the reverse can be true!

    Finally, I disagree with this idea that your sexual orientation is "who you are". Who you choose to have sex with does not define you. Sex is something one does, not something one *is*.

    These are all my views; others may disagree, of course.

    To the OP, I would only suggest that when your family ask questions that seem to pressure you as to when you are going to get married, to simply tell them - in whatever manner seems appropriate to you - to get off your case, and that you'll address such things in your own time.
     
  9. nudeyorker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Messages:
    42,918
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NYC/Honolulu
    I corrected the spelling of your thread. I felt the same way before I came out to my family. But I got so tired of the questions I simply started saying... "I'm waiting for someone to put me up on a pedestal where I belong... I'm not willing to sell out for less than I deserve like so many people do."
    I don't really recommend this because it comes with a price... but it does put an end to the pesky questions.
    My advice is to say... "I'm evolving"... I still use that once and a while.
     
  10. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2007
    Messages:
    2,102
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    47
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Verified:
    Photo
    no offense taken, but i will clarify my point.


     
  11. ggsitc

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2011
    Messages:
    551
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In a nice house in the 'burbs.
    Verified:
    Photo
    Do what's right for you. Speaking from experience at age 40+ and not attached etc. my immediate and extended family just stopped asking a long time ago. I have not come out to anyone I know personally other than an IM friend I met on another site. Well, and you folks here, but you don't know me, lol. I suspect that my family suspects that I am gay, they're not stupid, esp. my mom's side of the family; lots of MDs and Ph.Ds in the bunch, but no one pries and I don't volunteer anything.

    I am comfortable with who am I and my status. As for prying folks at work who will ask occasionally "Why aren't you married, a pleasant, nice looking guy like you?" my response is that "I have seen too much hurt in the broken marriages of my cousins, and friends treated poorly by spouses that I don't want to end up like any of them." And to a large degree that is true ... I am just not saying what gender I am looking at! And it stops the questions.

    Coming out at work might be an issue, I work in a public school, and while some parts of society are enlightened about such matters, others not so much and since I work in an inner city school, I am not about to test the waters. So that's not going to happen. Family would probably be OK with it if I came out, but then again you never know. I've got cousins with small kids and we've all seen the stereotype thinking that all gays are pedophiles and you never know who goes along with that philosophy. Then there's my closest friend who's also a fundamentalist Christian. I'd like to think our friendship would transcend his far-right religious views if I were to come out to him and his wife, but I am not in a hurry to test it.

    In short, this is what works for me. You'll find what works for you. Good luck.
     
  12. B_RedDude

    B_RedDude New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2007
    Messages:
    2,031
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Just tell them your dick got cut off in a terrible accident. Maybe that will shut them up.
     
  13. putputt00

    putputt00 Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2009
    Messages:
    228
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    17
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    ATL
    lol
     
  14. phndoc

    phndoc Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2010
    Messages:
    240
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Chesapeake (VA, US)
    Well, you could say that "I am waiting for that special person". On the other hand as a father of a gay child, I had already knew when they told us at 17. Our love didn't change but, now they have less stress.
     
  15. JimmyNuetron

    JimmyNuetron New Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2011
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Here's a perspective from a 40something guy who still hasnt come out.

    When I was younger I was worried about the reaction I would get. Always had some excuse.. Grandmother was very close and would never understand.. Dad is in poor health and would neve understand. Then it wasn't really any of their business anyway etc etc etc

    Now at this stage in my life I find that in my effort to not drive my family away I have driven all my family away. Every little white lie chips off a piece of the relationship until one day you wakeup and your family is a bunch of strangers who know nothing of your life.

    If I had it to do over again I would like to think I would just tell the family. As far as work goes I wouldn't share as they really have no business being close enough that it would matter in the first place
     
  16. B_jdunhill

    B_jdunhill New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2010
    Messages:
    7,849
    Likes Received:
    31
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    my $0.02 on this is it all depends on the value you place both on your family and the honesty they may be owed or not. I come from a family with all but one member divorced. Dad with 9 bros and sisters, Mom with 2, grandparents divorced. I am just not wired for marrying really, I often use this as a defense when I get that question. I'm 30 now and I think my best argument lately has been, "Imagine not needing someone else to complete you or your life and ambitions?" I'm happy, but even as an only child I am very distant from my parents having moved out and pretty far away for work at 18. They don't know if I like eggplant, so it's not neccessary that they know how I like my sex either. OK Maybe that was more than $0.02.

    To thine own self be true sir.
     
  17. earllogjam

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,027
    Likes Received:
    21
    I concur. I feel that it's very difficult to share your life with people you care deeply about yet hide a very big part of yourself from. It precludes you to invite your lover or partner to be part of your family. Being in the closet is like a wedge between your gay life and your family life.

    It prevents you from living a honest integrated life. I personally don't think it's very healthy for one's soul.
     
  18. D_Ray_Jing_Hardon

    D_Ray_Jing_Hardon Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2011
    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    5
    There is no easy answer and will depend on your relationship with your parents and how you think they view homosexuality - it's not always appropriate to tell your parents.

    I have friends who have been living together for 12 years and have never told their parents - the parents 'must' know but it has just never been discussed.

    I found myself in a similar position to yourself (at an age of 21) and decided that by not telling my parents was making 'their' problem mine. I had a good but not close relationship with my parents so decided to confirm what my parents most probably already suspected. My father's response was "if you happy them so am I" and my mother said "what will I tell the neighbours?". I'm sure my parents were disappointed but that didn't stop them from loving me.

    I know of others who have been thrown out of home but still believe that telling their parents was the right decision. I'm not aware how they got on with the parents prior to this but suspect it was not an easy relationship to start with.

    Bottom line is only you can judge whether to tell your parents or not - sometimes living a lie can be the right decision but it is one you will need to live with.
     
  19. AlteredEgo

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    14,458
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    6,556
    Location:
    United States
    You might enjoy this old thread. I hope it helps. It is about a former poster, Lex, and how he came out to his family. Some of it went well, some of it did not. When I met him here, he identified as straight, had a beautiful, sophisticated, brilliant, talented wife, two amazing children, and a fantastic career. Today, he has a loving relationship with his ex-wife, and his children love his kind, gentle, affectionate, talented, bright husband. He still has a fantastic career. In fact, he's advanced it. He doesn't come around here anymore. But the thread he started a few years ago remains, and has lent support to many.
     
  20. Countryguy63

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2006
    Messages:
    14,488
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,447
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    near Monterey, Calif.
    Verified:
    Photo
    More than many even know about :wink:
     
Draft saved Draft deleted