Lying about my sexual status

GayFrog

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First of all and foremost love and accept yourself, for who you are, and live your life for you and not for family or friends. Be true to yourself and never feel you have to come out. Only come out for you and no one else. Don't be pressured or bullied, to do or say anything you are uncomfortable with. Your sexual orientation is your personal business and need not be shared with family, friends, the butcher, boss or co-workers.
The notion that anyone that is not straight must come out or they're living a lie is codswallop. By evaluating your particular situation and circumstances you will find what is right for you.

As a footnote: if I were being badgered about getting married I would tell inquisitive minds, "when I meet the person I wish to marry, you'll get an invite like everyone else."
 

Frnkd213

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They may already suspect and are more wanting to validate their suspicion. Are you more on the fem or masculine side. Not that it matters but seems your concern is more because of your respect for your family and their feelings. I notce in your op you didn't say you are "gay" but that you like guys. You may want to reflect on why you presented your situation with not saying you're gay. Just trying to support you in your concern.
 

criminalatino

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Is hard, right? Ma family and I went on vacations last month and since 2006 they invite some close-to-family-friends but they never told mine. However i was about to lose control if i were goin alone another time, it was just insane, seeing my brother with his buddies or girlfriend, my sister with his girlfriends or boyfriends and me ALONE taking care of the babies; it wasn't fair. The day before we took the road i got into a real real big fight with my parents, they told me a lot of things because "my best friend" "looks like a gay" (they don't know im gay) but at the end they let me invite someone, i told my boyfriend, obviously, we've been together for 30 months -A LONG TIME-and when we were on the car everyone (my brother and my sister) were kissing, on the restaurants they were kissing, holding hands, hugging and shit!!!!!!, on hotel, street, parks, casinos, lobby, walmarts and it was so annoying :S for me and my boyfriend cause my brother is in a 12 motn relationship and my sister 5 month relationship - isn't it hard? i hope i could tell'em
 

B_patrickmcc

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Have never understood how people can be so judgemental about someone elses preferences, when it has absolutely no effect on them.
In fact, I think you should be commended for feeling unease about the lack of truthfulness in your responses to questions that really shouldnt be asked.
Personally, I havent discussed my bisexuality with the P's, dont see any reason why I would, (wouldnt discuss the heterosexual part of my life with them either). Frankly it's none of their business. I also dont have any guilt feelings about it, and if someone has an issue with it, it's their problem not mine.
In this day and age, any parent that punish their child for a lifestyle that is proven to be biologic and social, frankly should have never became a parent in the first place.
So in closing, rest well, and hope all works out.
 

D_Phallus P Phyllum

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no offense taken, but i will clarify my point.

I don't think you clarified your point as much as reiterated them. I still disagree.

Furthermore, I notice you are 99% straight. As such, I don't think this issue really applies to you, and you have no personal insight on this matter, unless, that is, you have come out to your family as being 1% gay.

Have you come out to your family as 1% gay?
 

killerb

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I don't think you clarified your point as much as reiterated them. I still disagree.

that's fine - disagree all you like.


Furthermore, I notice you are 99% straight. As such, I don't think this issue really applies to you, and you have no personal insight on this matter, unless, that is, you have come out to your family as being 1% gay.

what you notice is that i've used those numbers...you have no idea what their meaning is or even if they mean anything at all....

I do not care that you don't think this issue applies to me...furthermore, you have no knowledge of my personal insight

and with that, I am done...you may have the last word, as I suspect you feel that you must.
 

D_Chocho_Lippz

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My couple thoughts.

You don't have to tell anyone about your sexual orientation. But it is nice to just be in the open. If you go through your 30s and they never see you with the opposite sex or hear you talking about the opposite sex... then I am pretty sure that they will just assume that you are gay. Are you OK with them assuming or would you rather just be honest about it?

I'd personally hope that my family would accept me as-is, not just for who they want me to be.

With that said, I have a 99% gay friend who is out... and he lies to everyone he meets. And, even so, he lies to other gays about his top/bottom/vers status too.

Point... not everyone is OK with people knowing. To others, it should be a non-issue so they never say anything. And yet to others, they feel that their family should know everything.

On a side note - what happens if you find a mate? Are you going to hide that mate from them forever?
 

maxcok

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They may already suspect and are more wanting to validate their suspicion. Are you more on the fem or masculine side.
.:wtf: I can't even respond to such bullshit stereotypes. :rolleyes2:

Not that it matters but seems your concern is more because of your respect for your family and their feelings.
I think he pretty well expressed his concerns, and they're not that. His concerns are identical to anyone concerned about 'coming out' with alternative sexuality to friends and family -- namely, ridicule and rejection.

I notce in your op you didn't say you are "gay" but that you like guys. You may want to reflect on why you presented your situation with not saying you're gay.
.:confused: Gee, I dunno, cause maybe he doesn't think of himself as "gay"? He lists his status as "unsure".
He could be bi for all I know, for all he knows. There is a wide middle ground, you know.

Just trying to support you in your concern.
No, you're just trying to project yourself onto his situation. Quite possibly erroneously.
 
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maxcok

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I told my brother in law he said I should tell my mother, but i just cant, I'm not trying to sound whiny or anything, I just feel like it's so hard
I know it's not easy, and I don't know your family dynamics. To reiterate what I said earlier though, usually the fear of the reaction is overblown in comparison with the reality. If your mother loves you, she may be confused for a time, but she'll eventually come around. You will feel a sense of incredible relief when that happens, and it may ultimately bring you closer.

I see you live in Atlanta. There is a very strong gay community in Atlanta, and you will find lots of support from people dealing with the same issues, or who have already dealt with them. I cannot urge you strongly enough to seek out and tap into those resources, and also hook up with PFLAG to help you deal with the family issues. I stand by everything I said in my first post.

I applaud you for your self-reflection and being honest with yourself. Be true to yourself, and take baby steps if that's what you feel comfortable with.

Good luck, putputt, I wish you all the best coming to terms with this in your own time. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll feel better.
 
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greengrass_89

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Ok so, I'm only 21. I was dragged out of the closet at 17 when my dad interrogated me about some emails. That wasn't very much fun. My mother straight up asked me one day. That was tough, very serious and emotional conversation. But I have to say, however weird it was how my parents came to officially know about me, I'm very grateful that it's out in the open. For me it was difficult even after they knew because I knew they didn't approve. It took a long time for me to be able to be open about it. Part of that was fully accepting myself. Anywho, the point I want to make, which is a reiteration of some of the things already posted, being open and honest means being able to allow your loved ones to be a part of your life. When you have to hide such a big part of your life from your friends and family it really hinders you and your relationships. Most parents want to see their child happy, they want to know their child's husband or wife, they want to witness your life. Now, I understand the religious thing, and that can get tricky. But regardless of any beliefs they have, your choice to be open and honest with them, to truly share your life with them, that choice should not affect their love for you. It will probably make things weird for a while. But I really couldn't ask to be happier with my parents. They still don't like it, but I don't have to hide it. I can actually talk about my life with them now. I was never able to do that growing up. I feel so much freer than before. It hurt me to think that my parents would never see me with a life partner, that I would have to completely hide that side of myself and my life.

My mother expressed to me during our conversation that she knew I was my own unique person, that I'm going to do what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna be who I'm gonna be, she can't change that, and she also cant change how much she loves me. My dad hit a turning point when I told him that I wasn't comfortable being at home much less bringing someone home with me. He didn't understand until that time that his relationship with his son was far more important than any beliefs he had and he learned how to convey that to me. I have a great relationship with my parents now. They are getting to know my boyfriend pretty well and things are really awesome. I've seen better and I've seen worse. Hopefully you will have at least as good an experience with your folks as I have with mine. The way I would approach it (if I ever got the chance to) is to let them know that you want to further your relationship with them. You want to know that you can comfortably talk to them about anything in your life with unconditional love and understanding and without judgement. That's what your parents are for. To help you through your life in all aspects of it. Not just the things they like seeing or hearing about. Another reiteration is that you need to have the self acceptance and self confidence to back you up. Just let them know in a matter of fact way that you are not interested in women romantically. You love them and you want them to be a part of your life. You want to be able to share things. You want to be able to show them how happy you are, and what it is that's making you so happy. Anyway, I think I've rambled enough. Good luck brother. Remember that you have a world full of gay family that will accept you and love you if for some ungodly reason you don't get that from your parents.
 

Rhamiel

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Get and read 'How to be a Happy Homosexual' by Terry Sanderson. It will help you to come to terms with yourself. You *are* normal. Get to know yourself. Get to like yourself. Be proud and as far as possible, uncompromising. Good luck. :eek:)
 

B_lrgeggs

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Putputt,

Thank you for posting the question. It's certainly something a lot of us can relate to and I've really been impressed with some of the advise you have been given. None of us can really tell you what the best thing for you to do is. You are really your own best judge. While this issue can be very challenging and very painful, I hope you find strength to know that chances are you have friends and family who love you very much and only want the best for you. That there is nothing wrong with you and that whoever put you here on Earth did so for a reason and your challenge is find out what that is. Fill your life with meaning.
In the long run, while I know it's can be easier to speak more freely here.
(as things are pretty anonymous) Speak to a counselor you feel you can trust.
Keep us posted ...and good luck to you and play safe!
 

HorseHung40's

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Whether or not you decide to disclose this detail about yourself, is entirely up to you.

Here are some things to consider, before you make that decision:
1.) Have you found someone with whom you could see yourself spending the rest of your life? If you have, don't let that slip away. Consider saying something.
2.) Do you live in an area that is tolerant, or, do you live in something closer to the bible belt, where others would damn you to eternity in the fires of hell?
3.) How tolerant is your family? This is an extension of 2.).
4.) Consider how many people you feel you need to tell. I would limit that list to only the most important people in your life. As for others, it does not concern them. Let them figure things out for themselves.
5.) The most important people in your life may have already put the pieces of the puzzle together, and, may already suspect.
6.) If you are a minor or financially dependent on someone else, you may wish to wait with any disclosures until you are financially independent.
 

NoH8

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Greengrass89 Your thoughtful and insightful post was really touching. The rest of the advice on this thread is excellent too. I guess I can only say that if you can control the timing, it should be your choice who to tell and how much to tell. Nobody should make you feel obliged to come out, but it does usually feel better when you do.

I told my parents when I was 14, they demanded that I tell them (they knew I was keeping some kind of a secret). It was bad for a couple of years, but made things easier once I'd left home and got my own life. Except for once or twice, they didn't bring it up in conversation ever after that. I was still very careful about not telling my friends or colleagues until I was quite a lot older. Now, I'm out at work, and it's kind of fun, I can joke around with bosses and colleagues and it's no problem. If I'd told more friends earlier, I'd have more friends now, I guess, but it was impossible at my all boys Catholic School where bullying was a way of life.
 

zdc00

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Pretty much my whole life I've been dealing with people who have called me gay. At some point even members of my own family had this phase where they thought of that (or at least wondered). Sometimes I said that I'm not, most of the time I quite frankly didn't have the energy to.
At some point I stopped giving a fuck.

You live your own life as you will and no one can tell you otherwise. They can try, but it is up to you to decide if you want to live it like you want, or live it like how everyone else wants you to. What I'm getting at is this quote from Theodor Seuss Geisel:


Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
 

D_Ben Twilly

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Your subject line here portrays what you're doing now as "lying," and THAT'S the only lie I see. Okay, you like guys. If you feel like keeping it under your hat, that's no more of a lie than choosing not to send out copies of your bank statements with your Christmas cards. Huge difference between lying and using your judgement about personal information that's none of anyone's business if you don't wish it to be.

Speaking of none of anyone's business, you don't have to indulge your family members when they ask repeated questions about your romantic life. It's incredible rudeness on their parts. If I were you, the next time someone has the nerve to ask, I would answer that you will let them know if anything takes place that concerns them, then just ignore it if they don't take the social cue and push again. You don't owe anyone updates on demand about your romances just because they lack the social propriety to know it's inappropriate to badger you on the subject.

Finally, you don't have to listen to all these people advising you to come out. A lot of gay people do and are happy that way, so they want to urge others to follow suit and find the same happiness they did. But their lives are not yours and they don't know you, your social life, your personal beliefs, etc. There are plenty of valid reasons for keeping your sexual orientation private, and all this stuff you hear about being true to yourself, how much better you'll feel if you stop "living a lie" (Oh, God, the drama), and "coming to terms with" yourself may be entirely non-applicable to your life.