Mad at myself

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Slamdunk_dude, Dec 9, 2005.

  1. Slamdunk_dude

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    222
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    SoCal
    Verified:
    Photo
    Hey guys,

    you may remember me posting here before about my bisexual/gay feelings. I'm feeling really crappy today, I just turned 19 and still have progressed no further in exploring that side of myself. I realize that it isn't something that you can force but I just feel like it is constantly nagging at me. I feel like a fraud. How am i supposed to seek an experience with another guy when I never have before?
    I even came to the point the other day where I thought I was just going to tell my parents that i was bi this Christmas just to see if it lifts some of my inhibitions.
    I'm worried that I will never express this side of myself and live miserably, its not as if I'm repressing it, I ADMIT that I'm attracted to other guys, I have even told some friends. I just can't seem to get past that barrier of actually doing something about it.

    Any advice?

    Slamdunk_dude
     
  2. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    161
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    I've got plenty. :)

    First, relax and stop beating yourself up so badly! The leap you are going to make is a challenging one in this world. A layer of self-imposed guilt on top is only going to make things that much harder, and it won't get you one step closer to where you want to be. You need support from your friends and, most importantly, from yourself. And you deserve it - deciding to be yourself is brave.

    Second, there is nothing abnormal or wrong about not having your first time yet. If it helps, I didn't fool around with a guy until I was 19. And let's just say that I've, uh, had my share of experience since then. Thoughts like this:
    are not realistic and will not help move you forward in any way. Of course you will do it. I know 19 feels old, but trust me, it's not! Try looking at this in a positive way: You've got a lifetime of hot, exciting experiences waiting for you...

    And this:
    is the same situation everyone is in before their first time. You're not alone! In terms of how to meet the right guy, it depends on whether you know someone who you are attracted to or not. If you don't have a particular person in mind, find out where gay and bi men in your area hang out - a neighborhood, bookstores, clubs, a college campus, social groups, etc. - and casually check them out. I and others will have a million more suggestions if you need them.

    But wait, I'm not done :D . You should really think hard before "coming out" at Xmas. First of all, make sure you want to talk with your parents about this before you've actually done anything. If you're sure you do, Xmas might not be the best time. Holidays are a high-pressure time for many families. If your parents may have a hard time with your announcement, a holiday can magnify that. It may also be remembered on that holiday for years to come, for better or worse! I'm defnitely not telling you 'don't do it', but think about what timing will make it easier for you.

    The only thing wrong here is the amount of pressure you're putting on yourself. You are not a "fraud"! It's not easy - if it was, you would have done it already. So cut yourself some slack. Before I ramble on all night, remember that there are lots of people here who will be happy to help and may have a lot of useful info for you. So don't be shy! I will close with what the cashier at the bookstore told me the first time I bought a gay porn mag - Go get 'em, tiger!
     
  3. GoneA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2005
    Messages:
    5,176
    Likes Received:
    1
    aaannnddd!!!

    oh forget it! matthew already said that.
     
  4. dlcs

    dlcs New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2005
    Messages:
    464
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Sector ZZ9, Plural Z Alpha
    There's no "proper" age for coming out. You'll know when it's the right moment. Besides, Matt makes a good point that forcing the issue isn't healthy for you.

    Matt's very wise. Take his advice.
     
  5. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    161
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    LOL - should I just have sent him the book?
     
  6. Jason

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    9,926
    Likes Received:
    639
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    London (GB)
    No guy, ever, has sat down with his parents, and said "Mum and Dad, I really want you to know I'm straight". There is no obligation to tell your parents you are gay/bi/s8, whatever. Some things are sort of private - which is good both for you and your parents. I'm not saying don't speak with your parents, just not until you know what it is about you that you think they should know.

    Lots of guys claim to be 100% straight. Probably some of them are. But a very high number, probably a majority, have some bi/gay feeling. Nature doesn't come up with neat gay/s8 categories. At 19 you might be s8, bi, I don't know, and its quite credible you don't know either. In time you will find out. Then if you want to speak with your parents it might make sense. Or might not. Don't rush it.
     
  7. Geo

    Geo Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2005
    Messages:
    94
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Ski Bum Heaven
    Hi I can only speak from my one experience. I was a little older than you and at that time (as now) I was very open to all sexual things. I thought too "how would it be to have sex with another guy" but *I never forced it*, and perhaps this is how you should be too. Just be open to it and maybe someday if the mood is right then go for it. But don't set agendas that will only make you crazy.

    Me? I had a friend I'd see at the local College Campus watering hole all the time and we always hit if off really well. He was nice and funny and we had a really nice night acting goofy and laughing and we went back to his apt and I dunno we just started kissing and one thing led to another. I liked that fact that it was a new experience and the sex was very different feeling but to tell the truth I was turned on by the newness but not by the physical looks of a guy. The next day I sort of wandered around town looking at guys saying to myself "am I attracted to that guy?" but indeed I found it was not for me.

    So it was good for me in that I found out that I was not into guys and I did not have to wonder ... as Drew Barrymore said (yes I have a giant crush on her) ".. why live a life of curiosity.." indeed that is the approach I take. Maybe it will work for you too. But don't force it.
     
  8. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    161
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Geo, it sounds like slamdunk_dude was describing a very different situation than yours, in that he feels pretty clear about gay/bi feelings, whereas you were "just experimenting." If I understood him right, he's more than curious, he definitely wants to try a gay/bi experience. Slamdunk dude - can you clear it up for us?
     
  9. GoneA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2005
    Messages:
    5,176
    Likes Received:
    1
    Coping with Discontentment

    By Matthew.
     
  10. Geo

    Geo Member

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2005
    Messages:
    94
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Ski Bum Heaven
    yes thanks sometimes I tend to babel (especially when whacked up with a ton of cold medicine!) I guess in my own inarticulate way I was trying to address the need to bring things to the surface via forcing (creating an irrevocable situation) vs. if it comes to pass then act. But no similarities are intended.
     
  11. B_caneadea

    B_caneadea New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2005
    Messages:
    736
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    San Francisco
    Slamdunk Dude,
    Take Matthew's advice.

    Matthew,
    I had read this guy's post and, for once, I was at a loss for words (or at least the proper words). You layed it out so well. I'm sure that Slamdunk Dude will be well served if he will follow your advice. Thanks.:)
     
  12. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    161
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    But maybe the similarities ARE right -- only slamdunk dude can tell us for sure! Are you there, dude?

    PS: Cold medicine is good stuff. :)
     
  13. GoneA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2005
    Messages:
    5,176
    Likes Received:
    1

    i like to extract the medicinal elements and consume the rest.
     
  14. Slamdunk_dude

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2005
    Messages:
    222
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    SoCal
    Verified:
    Photo
    Hey guys,

    Sorry I have taken so long to reply. I really thought about your advice and it makes a lot of sense. Matt, thank you so much, what you said has made me realize that there is no urgency to this situation. To be honest I am imposing all the pressure on myself.

    As you were asking about whether I am just 'experimenting' or definitely want to have a gay/bi experience, I would say i am 99% certain that I am not 'straight' in that I have pretty much always been attracted to guys and girls. In that sense I certainly want to have an experience with another guy. Where I land on the whole sexuality continuum between 'gay' and 'bi' i'm not entirely sure! I question it every day.

    I was actually in a situation a few days ago where I was with a gay guy that I found VERY attractive, I could tell that he found me attractive too and wanted to take things further. The situation 50% turned me on and 50% scared the shit out of me, which I guess is normal. Unfortunately my buddy (who has no idea about my feelings) was with us and so nothing happened. The guy was so hot though lol.

    As just a little sidenote I have noticed something interesting. In my fantasies I am very attracted to butch, masculine men while in real life those kind of guys turn me off immediately. In real life I am more attracted to more feminine, pretty looking guys, I wonder why that is?

    My biggest worry at this point is that I would mess around with a guy and my family or friends would somehow find out, I would hate for them to think that I had lied to them. My family and friends are the most important thing in the world to me, and while I think most of them would be ok with my sexuality I think they would be hurt if they knew I was hiding it from them.

    Anyway I am going to just let stuff happen, less pressure and stop trying to psychoanalyze myself. If I am attracted to a person, male or female I will take it from there. In many respects I think it would be easier if i just knew I was gay and could deal with that, rather than having an attraction to girls complicate the issue further.

    Thanks again for all your kind words

    Slamdunk_dude
     
  15. Lex

    Lex
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2004
    Messages:
    9,536
    Likes Received:
    16
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In Your Darkest Thoughts and Dreams
    Slam--
    Your sexual experiences are private and should be treated as such. I have not come out to my family yet and I wil, when it feels right for me. Take your time. Play safely. Be Honest so that no one feelings get unneccessarily hurt. Listen carefully to your inner voice--it rarely lies.

    I am here if you ever want to talk about liking men and women.
     
  16. vinny_spiruccino

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 14, 2005
    Messages:
    1,909
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Charlotte NC
    Slam, you're a winner. The fact that you're so concerned about not hurting your family & friends proves one thing - you're a good guy, no matter who you're attracted to. I find it SOOOO sad/unfortunate that there are those who would judge you solely by your sexual preference & not take the time to see the content of your character. Matt, I read you advice & I think you're a great guy too. All of you are. This was really sweet.
     
  17. Matthew

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2005
    Messages:
    8,374
    Likes Received:
    161
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    California
    Thanks, I think there's a lot of complaining around here sometimes about people not getting "support" but I actually see quite a few people asking sincere and respectful questions and getting some truly good ideas in response.

    Good luck Slam. And hey, being bi can be a big positive too.
     
  18. GoneA

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2005
    Messages:
    5,176
    Likes Received:
    1
    i really don't think i could agree more.
     
  19. B_Danceswithlamps

    B_Danceswithlamps New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2005
    Messages:
    554
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Traveling!
    Hmmm. I think I'm kinda in the same boat. I feel very attracted to more women than men, but I often find the male body more interesting. I feel straight, think I might be a little bi, and haven't done anything about it. I feel equal amounts of affection towards all my friends, male or female. But occasionally, I feel, I don't know. But I think we are kind of on the same plane...

    Good luck buddy!!! :D:D:D:D

    Oh, and don't rush it! Jut like what everyone else says! It will come, sometime soon... Just hold on!
     
  20. headbang8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2004
    Messages:
    1,272
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Munich (BY, DE)
    Though I agree with Lex and others that your sex life is your own private business, I get where you're coming from on this one.

    I came out to my close family and friends before I actually had sex with a man. I didn't need their blessing, or even their approval. But talking about it with the people close to me made it feel unremarkable; more normal. In my heart, it really helped me de-stigmatise the whole thing.

    If you're close to someone, it doesn't mean that you're obliged to share everything about your personal life. But if offered, it can strengthen the bond of friendship and family. Families that CAN'T discuss sexual matters are pretty sick, in my experience. Coming out actually helped my family to grow.

    But beware. Close friends, if they know you're struggling with these issues, might try to help. You know..."There's this gay guy at work, perhaps you might like to meet him..."

    Resist strenuously. That really is an invasion of your privacy.

    Sidebar story: Two of my closest friends--I'm godfather to one of their children and was Best Man at their wedding--took me on as a cause when I came out to them. They own a small ad agency and, for a time, every new art director they employed seemed to be gay. This stopped when one of these young men and I had a fling. My friends had decided to fire him, and (illegally, I'm sure) shared his confidential perfomance review with me, hoping his departure wouldn't upset our relationship. Several bottles of wine later, I had shared my own confidential performance review, and he ended up losing two positions at once. No matchmaking since.

    Loved Ones and emotional support mix nicely. Family and friends don't mix well with your sex life, and you'll need to find some space, separate from them, to explore your sexuality.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted