Made to feel worthless!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ShyGirly, Sep 8, 2007.

  1. ShyGirly

    ShyGirly New Member

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    Hi, im new here, just wanted some advice really as ive read quite a few threads and you peeps seem to know what your talking about :smile:

    I live with my bf, hes 8 years older than me so we have different interests. He earns the most money, has his own business etc and seems to use this against me. He makes me feel i should be grateful 24 hours a day for the things he does for me (mainly things money can buy) and is very jealous. He doesnt like me having male friends and im not allowed to talk to ex's, even ones that are good friends now. He hates me going out without him and doesnt trust me. However hes allowed to do what he wants, he has female friends etc and frequently lies to me about this. Hes really starting to make me feel worthless even though deep down i know im not. Im starting to depend on him and this makes the situation harder. Any advice??
     
  2. wellnow

    wellnow New Member

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    My opinion is: "Get out as soon as possible." or the other option that you might want to consider even though slower, more painful and expensive but always with personal benefit for the future would be to get professional counseling. Counseling can be done during the relationship or after to try to put the pieces back together correctly, if you both feel it is worth it.

    I'm sure someone here will have other, hopefully much better, advice.

    Good luck,
     
  3. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    Well I don't know you but I think...

    The only answer is to marry me! :biggrin1: lol.

    But it is an unbalanced relationship, he probably has issues that he can't trust you. Or maybe you're just so hot and sexy even Patrick Swayze (from Dirty Dancing) would get jealous :tongue: hehe.

    You should probably talk with him, ask him why he's so mean/unfair to you. Ain't No Way To Treat A Lady (who's song was that?) hehe.

    Chin up, just tell yourself he's lucky to have you! And that you have great tits. Or whatever your good qualities are. Pimping out young cats...cos that's nice :tongue:

    But mainly:

    Be happy! Because I want you to be happy :smile: I'm sending psychic signals.

    Kiss

    PS wanna go to counseling together? :p lol
     
  4. dolfette

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    just leave.

    bullies & control freaks get worse over time.
    get out before you're feeling too beaten down to do anything about it.
     
  5. dongalong

    Gold Member

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    I was in a similar position as your boyfriend - I had a younger girlfriend who became dependant on me. I ended that relationship because it felt like I was "renting" her and I didn't like that feeling, I started losing respect for her.

    It sounds like you need to take control of your life instead of letting him control it.

    I will never again stay with a jealous woman, it just makes life a misery, jealous people usually suffer from low self esteem which isn't the easiest thing to get rid of, so instead of waiting for that to improve with your current boyfriend, leave him try to find someone who treats you with respect and equality.
     
  6. D_smack ash

    D_smack ash Account Disabled

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    get out,hes a control freak.hes not worth the stress your going through leave the bum
     
  7. B_ScaredLittleBoy

    B_ScaredLittleBoy New Member

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    :wink:
     
  8. ShyGirly

    ShyGirly New Member

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    leaving him seems to be the common opinion and i thank you all for your advice but i do love him, prob more than ive ever loved anyone and when its good it REALLY good! :(
     
  9. Belly_Dancer

    Belly_Dancer Member

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    Agreed 100%.

    ShyGirly, you may feel like this now, and you probably hate older people telling you how you are going to feel later, but I'll do it anyway.

    The feelings of love and attachment you're experiencing with this man are not worth the suffering he is putting you through now, and the longer you stay, the more unbalanced the equation will become.

    Over time, you are very likely to do more and more things that erode your self-esteem in order to keep the relationship together, and the ultimate result will be the same, lonely you, only older and more emotionally wounded than you were when you went into the relationship.

    Get out, get counseling to find out what motivated you to choose someone who treats you with so little respect -- otherwise, you are at high risk of repeating the same cycle over and over again.

    You are young, and you have the power to change the course of your life in a very positive direction, if only you have the courage.

    Older, jaded, regretful people are a dime a dozen. People who "woke up" early and were true to their needs, seeking out real happiness, are far more rare. Be one of the latter, if you possibly can.
     
  10. dolfette

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    love is not enough.

    ever seen those women with broken noses, black eyes, cracked ribs, still saying that they must stay because they love him and he can be really sweet!!?

    same deal but further up the scale.
     
  11. dongalong

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    You will probably find someone out there who will love you more and who is even better than REALLY good, we do exist!:wink:
     
  12. benderten2001

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    "Our Holly".....said it pretty well. :smile:

    If only the younger could view life through the eyes of the older, more experienced ! But sometimes, it takes "experience" to teach us.

    Nevertheless, we can still offer (at least what seems to us to be) our wise, proven counsel...despite how insensitive (even illogical) it might all be coming across sometimes.
     
  13. SpoiledPrincess

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    As other members have said it'll just get worse with time, at the moment it's being made to feel worthless and every time you accept this you're giving him permission to behave like this, it will escalate to the first time he lays a hand on you and then he'll probably manage to convince you it was your fault, and you'll probably bleat 'when he's not slapping me around he can be really sweet'.

    Get out of there before he's demoralised you so much that you can't.
     
  14. Osiris

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    Another friend from the forum is kind of in a similar boat, but not to the same degree. I'll basically tell you what I told her.

    You are sacrificing yourself for him and that isn't right. You should not have to destroy your friendships to be with him. Love is give and take. My wife has a couple of exes I am not jazzed about, but I have at least met them and I'm OK with it. He must have some serious trust issues it sounds.

    As for not going anywhere without him? You are a woman, not a dog. It basically sounds lke you are a sex slave.

    Dolfette said it best, just leave. If he is this controlling, he could get worse and even take this to a physical level.

    When should ScaredLittleBoy and I appear at your door with a moving van?
     
  15. wldhoney

    Gold Member

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    I see this kind of situation over and over again thru my job, and it tends to escalate. It starts out with put-downs and name-calling, and as they lose their ability to hurt enough, move to other types of abuse. Emotional and mental abuse are believed to cause more damage than physical abuse.

    Basically he has shown that he has no respect for you or your boundaries, and every time you allow him to overstep your limits, you are sending a message to both of you that it is acceptable. Thus, there is no reason for him to stop. And everytime he goes a little bit further, your boundaries are widening to allow the behavior to become "normal".

    There is nothing YOU can do to change him. No matter how much or how hard you love him or try to please him. It is not what he is looking for. He needs to control and belittle you because it makes HIM feel less insecure and fills a need. You are a co-dependent, and as such are not capable of healing him while you yourself have damage. He needs professional help, something you cannot provide.

    Unfortunately, co-dependent relationships are the hardest to get out of. Ask yourself if you really want to feel like you do now for the next 10 years. Do you always want to be hurting, to be hurt by another? Yes, leaving is painful and you will think it is less painful to stay. But it passes and you move on with your life, while staying with the person means stagnating just as you are.

    Get out, before he damages you to the point that you are unable to function in a healthy relationship with someone else, and get some help.

    Please.
     
  16. Mem

    Mem
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    I put some words in bold that you wrote.

    Do you deserve this? I know it must be hard to leave, but it will only get worse and harder to leave the longer you stay. It may get to the point where he thinks he owns you and wont let you leave. I hope you have good family support to back you up. Good luck.
     
  17. Ethyl

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    There are worse things than being alone. Dying slowly in an abusive relationship is one of them.
     
  18. SilverSoldier

    SilverSoldier New Member

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    You're on a rollercoaster, and that's as good as it will ever get. Believe me, when you find a GOOD person, who is secure enough with himself, that it won't matter who your friends are, that he won't have to control you and make feel worthless, you'll find someone who will also improve you as a person, your outlook, your health, your happiness--everything.

    Don't be fooled into thinking this is as good as it gets. There are better people out there. Just look for someone who is secure and okay with himself, and you'll feel secure and okay with you and with him.

    Been there, done that. Now I have a wonderful relationship, and we don't own each other, and we are free to go where we need to go and be who we need to be to be happy. As a result, we choose to spend more and more time together, and it's wonderful.

    You be who YOU need to be, and be emotionally healthy about it, and you'll attract someone like you. If you'll do this, the toxic people will stay away from you, because you'll let them know that they can't prey on you and take advantage of you.
     
  19. arrivaderciroma

    arrivaderciroma New Member

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    It's frustrating trying to support someone in your position. The first times you gave up a friend or a night out, accepted his money, allowed him priveleges and excuses for his bad behavior, apologized for nothing important, you gave up pieces of your personal power. Each time you try to cover up for something you know he won't like or lie to him about yourself or how you spend your time you diminish your own self worth. The spiral gains momentum. It's a dizzying spin. You no longer can stop it even tho you recognize what's happening and the truth of this awareness makes you see yourself as the star of your own loud horror flick. That's something, at least. Better than nothing. Nothing you know or are told by your friends will be heard. You're now deaf.

    I've seen these things before, read about them. The woman (or man) in this position is in a risky place and there's little or nothing to be done by friends or relatives. Nothing to be said. You're in a strangle hold. You've strangled yourself for the few comforts a man with more money and stronger opinions can offer. You know how you're suffering but you can take it, right? You'll heal. You forget. Like always. Now tho, somehow you can't leave it. Can't release the grip you have around your own neck. It's the life you've chosen, consciously. You really love it as much as you hate it. It's a full time occupation this new life as a servant, peon, slave. It's more of a life than you've ever had. Your big roll in a big movie. It's worth everything to be nothing, to give up your life to a brute, the writer/director, who'll make all the decisions and establish all the rules. You can put your mind away. Just act your part as the script is written. He'll decide if you live or die by the time the film ends. You're only an actor...you have no decisions to make. You can examine your motivation; but at a risk to your safety and sanity.

    There's no advice for someone in your situation. There's no way out. The movie never ends. Thank goodness, hehe.

    Find help from your true lover, you. Or perish.
     
  20. fratpack

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    ShyGirl, like so many of the other posters here, I totally agree with your picking yourself up and leaving this situation. Every person has good in them and you are not being given the chance to express yourself.
    Listen, in particular, to the excellent advice of Holly Blue and Wildhoney. Very wise words.
     
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