I thankyou all for your advice and if someone else had posted this thread i can gaurantee i would have been saying the same things.
It is hard to read and accept what your all saying is the truth but its also a help knowing what hes doing to me isnt normal and isnt fair (like i was starting to believe)
Can i also just say he has never once laid a hand on me in an abusive way, i know i must seem weak for staying with this man but my mum went through years of physical abuse and i would never take that from any man. Im not for a minute excusing his behaviour because i know emotional abuse can be just as bad in many cases.
In regard to the comment about me not 'surfacing' since my second post, i guess u wont all find it hard to believe he checks up on me alot when im on the computer!! Just reading that i know how stupid this whole situation must seem and many of u are just screaming GET OUT but trust me if it had been that easy id be gone by now.
I guess what i really wanted from this post was for people to say i can change him, i now realise thats not possible as many of you really seem to know what your talking about from similar experiences or helping people in similar situations.
Im not going to say im going to get out of it today but i am going to stop letting him do what hes doing to me, because many of you have made me realise i do deserve more.
Thanks again everyone :redface:
ShyGirly,
I'm glad that we were able to help you clarify that the way you're being treated is not normal or fair. I think someone else posted that psychological abuse is often more damaging than physical abuse, and I believe this to be true.
I was in a painful relationship for a long time, one I got into when I was very young. I wouldn't call it out-and-out abusive -- not the way most people would define it. And similar to your situation, he never laid a hand on me in anger, not once in 17 years.
But the parallels are there, and believe me, believe me,
believe me, you cannot change him. I also understand that due to practical matters, you may not be able to leave today, this minute -- but please don't put it off because you don't want to feel the pain.
I was very damaged when I went into my relationship (my mother died of cancer when I was 14 and she had been ill most of my life) and I was starved for love. Nearer the beginning, the thought of leaving my relationship felt like the thought of cutting off my own arm -- I had absolutely no one else but him, and even though he was not treating me the way I deserved to be treated, he was giving me enough that I hung on, even though deep inside, it seemed I was always crying.
It's difficult to explain to outsiders exactly what is so bad about your relationship, when he doesn't hit you. It's even more difficult when you know you're not perfect either (and a man like yours is likely to remind you of your "faults" until you think they're much bigger than they are).
He may also appear to outsiders to be a really great person; he may "talk you up" or treat you wonderfully in front of others, so you
really start to think you're crazy for wanting to leave.
You are not. If he is like that, he treats you well in public to draw attention to
himself -- so everyone will marvel at what a great guy he is. Disregard it. Pay attention to the way he treats you the vast majority of the time that the two of you are alone.
I'm encouraged that you show the wisdom to carefully consider what all of us here have said. Believe us, believe in yourself, and get out.
Find some new friends, and reconnect with any old ones he may have already cut you off from.
Lastly, but not leastly, about the blushing smiley at the end of your open and honest post -- I know what it means, and I want to offer you a few words:
You deserve every second of the time people have spent writing their thoughts to you. You are worth
our time, you are worth the time and attention of your friends and loved ones,
and you are worthy of the love of a good man, one of good character who is capable of loving you unconditionally.
You have
absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.
You deserve to be loved, and if you don't believe that deep inside, find some new friends and/or a therapist that will
help you believe it. Please.
I wish you all the best as you continue forward in your life's journey, including real, authentic love and happiness.
:hug: Holly