Made to feel worthless!

SensualGoth

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Hi, im new here, just wanted some advice really as ive read quite a few threads and you peeps seem to know what your talking about :smile:

I live with my bf, hes 8 years older than me so we have different interests. He earns the most money, has his own business etc and seems to use this against me. He makes me feel i should be grateful 24 hours a day for the things he does for me (mainly things money can buy) and is very jealous. He doesnt like me having male friends and im not allowed to talk to ex's, even ones that are good friends now. He hates me going out without him and doesnt trust me. However hes allowed to do what he wants, he has female friends etc and frequently lies to me about this. Hes really starting to make me feel worthless even though deep down i know im not. Im starting to depend on him and this makes the situation harder. Any advice??

he sounds like a possessive jerk.... any time a man tells you to give up things it's because they feel inferior and they need control over you. but that's my opinion...
 

hairyman101

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remember the movie "the burning bed" well that is what happens when a processive man makes you feel like he is the king or the world goes around him only.....watch the movie. GET OUT.
 

B_ScaredLittleBoy

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All I will say (apart from that I'm drunk now!) is that the people on this forum give good advice. I don't really come here or make threads here because of the size of my penis. I come here because the people here are older, wiser and at least some of them have been in the same situation as you or I. And they have a good idea of how things will turn out.

Miss u, kid :tongue:
 

wldhoney

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How do you leave someone you love?

How can you truly love someone if you don't love yourself? If you don't love yourself, what you give someone else is never truly whole. Or, is it love, or fear of being alone, or an unhealthy attraction? And just because you love someone, it doesn't mean it's a "good" love.

Children can be burned with cigarettes, beaten with wire hangers, starved, told they are worthless, and they will still love their parents. Should we leave them in the situation, or let the abuse continue?

It's a sad situation all the way around, and the damage on both sides will affect the rest of their lives.
 

ebb33

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Children can be burned with cigarettes, beaten with wire hangers, starved, told they are worthless, and they will still love their parents. Should we leave them in the situation, or let the abuse continue?

it will both hurt. that's my point. the difficulty is to decide with which of it you (shygirly) can live.
 

ebb33

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it's really not that hard.

you say "this isn't working" and you walk out the door.

and then you go shoe shopping.


lol, okay :smile: I highly doubt it was love then, but your feets and your ego will be happy at least :wink:
 

dolfette

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lol, okay :smile: I highly doubt it was love then, but your feets and your ego will be happy at least :wink:
of course i loved him.
i was with him 6 years and he's the father of my children.
doesn't mean i'm willing to sell my soul.

and they were really nice shoes!
 

ebb33

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okay, I apologize. It sounded different to me.

btw, can you wear the shoes without having to think about it/him?
 

dolfette

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okay, I apologize. It sounded different to me.

btw, can you wear the shoes without having to think about it/him?
of course!

and i don't have a problem thinking about it.
i went to his wedding a few months ago...he's happy, and that's what we want for those we really love, right? we're better as friends than we were as partners.
 

transformer_99

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Hi, im new here, just wanted some advice really as ive read quite a few threads and you peeps seem to know what your talking about :smile:

I live with my bf, hes 8 years older than me so we have different interests. He earns the most money, has his own business etc and seems to use this against me. He makes me feel i should be grateful 24 hours a day for the things he does for me (mainly things money can buy) and is very jealous. He doesnt like me having male friends and im not allowed to talk to ex's, even ones that are good friends now. He hates me going out without him and doesnt trust me. However hes allowed to do what he wants, he has female friends etc and frequently lies to me about this. Hes really starting to make me feel worthless even though deep down i know im not. Im starting to depend on him and this makes the situation harder. Any advice??

Yes, this is a relationship to leave. You'll only resent it even more if you stay. Get your act together so you can provide for yourself and move on. All the signs you indicate, lead me to jump at thinking there are rules for you and not him. Who knows, put up with it long enough, he may replace you and show up one day telling you it's over anyway. So now it's a race, do it for yourself or have it done to you ? Be glad you received warning signs that are this obvious.

Fleetwood Mac lyrics say it all.

Gold Dust Woman

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]"Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale"
[/FONT]
 

TheRob

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Hi, im new here, just wanted some advice really as ive read quite a few threads and you peeps seem to know what your talking about :smile:

I live with my bf, hes 8 years older than me so we have different interests. He earns the most money, has his own business etc and seems to use this against me. He makes me feel i should be grateful 24 hours a day for the things he does for me (mainly things money can buy) and is very jealous. He doesnt like me having male friends and im not allowed to talk to ex's, even ones that are good friends now. He hates me going out without him and doesnt trust me. However hes allowed to do what he wants, he has female friends etc and frequently lies to me about this. Hes really starting to make me feel worthless even though deep down i know im not. Im starting to depend on him and this makes the situation harder. Any advice??

I understand being nervous with you around male friends or ex's
it's easy to fall for a friend of the opposite sex (or appropriate sex if you are gay or bi)
but he should NOT be making you feel worthless
you have to try to figure out how much you like him and try to talk to him about it
he should not make you feel bad about yourself

but I do understand jealousy/envy a lot of great guys have those flaws
 

biguy2738

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Hi, im new here, just wanted some advice really as ive read quite a few threads and you peeps seem to know what your talking about :smile:

I live with my bf, hes 8 years older than me so we have different interests. He earns the most money, has his own business etc and seems to use this against me. He makes me feel i should be grateful 24 hours a day for the things he does for me (mainly things money can buy) and is very jealous. He doesnt like me having male friends and im not allowed to talk to ex's, even ones that are good friends now. He hates me going out without him and doesnt trust me. However hes allowed to do what he wants, he has female friends etc and frequently lies to me about this. Hes really starting to make me feel worthless even though deep down i know im not. Im starting to depend on him and this makes the situation harder. Any advice??

leaving him seems to be the common opinion and i thank you all for your advice but i do love him, prob more than ive ever loved anyone and when its good it REALLY good! :(

I'm going to be honest with you ShyGirly, and I assure you, you are enduring enough heartache and I don't want to add more, but I have to be forthright with you...

The fact that love only surfaced in your second post has sirens going off in my head.

Everybody posted good advice, however it is only useful to you if you put it to use. It appears as if you are both in an abusive relationship: You are both in it for pay offs and only you can identify what yours is (though if you look at what you posted in your first post, you may get some idea).

Love is seeking the good of the other for the sake of the other. If you aren't able to offer that to each other, then perhaps it's best to stop and evaluate things.

The biggest question that I'd put before myself if I were in a situation like yours is "To what extent am I sacrificing myself, and is it worth it?"

All of the very best.
 

Principessa

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Shygirly, get out, get out now, before this insecure shit of a man ruins your life! Your post reads like the transcript of every Lifetime movie where a woman kills her abusive husband or boyfriend because she just can't take it anymore.

It doesn't matter how young or old you are you do not deserve to be treated like this by anyone. The fact you are starting to believe him is a bad sign. Love is not supposed to make yo heart or doubt. Please pack your bags and go.

How do you leave someone you love?
With a heavy heart and a clear mind. In a situation like shygirlys leaving is self-preservation and that is not selfish. It's human nature to want to save yourself.
 

ShyGirly

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I thankyou all for your advice and if someone else had posted this thread i can gaurantee i would have been saying the same things.

It is hard to read and accept what your all saying is the truth but its also a help knowing what hes doing to me isnt normal and isnt fair (like i was starting to believe)

Can i also just say he has never once laid a hand on me in an abusive way, i know i must seem weak for staying with this man but my mum went through years of physical abuse and i would never take that from any man. Im not for a minute excusing his behaviour because i know emotional abuse can be just as bad in many cases.

In regard to the comment about me not 'surfacing' since my second post, i guess u wont all find it hard to believe he checks up on me alot when im on the computer!! Just reading that i know how stupid this whole situation must seem and many of u are just screaming GET OUT but trust me if it had been that easy id be gone by now.

I guess what i really wanted from this post was for people to say i can change him, i now realise thats not possible as many of you really seem to know what your talking about from similar experiences or helping people in similar situations.

Im not going to say im going to get out of it today but i am going to stop letting him do what hes doing to me, because many of you have made me realise i do deserve more.

Thanks again everyone :redface:
 

Belly_Dancer

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I thankyou all for your advice and if someone else had posted this thread i can gaurantee i would have been saying the same things.

It is hard to read and accept what your all saying is the truth but its also a help knowing what hes doing to me isnt normal and isnt fair (like i was starting to believe)

Can i also just say he has never once laid a hand on me in an abusive way, i know i must seem weak for staying with this man but my mum went through years of physical abuse and i would never take that from any man. Im not for a minute excusing his behaviour because i know emotional abuse can be just as bad in many cases.

In regard to the comment about me not 'surfacing' since my second post, i guess u wont all find it hard to believe he checks up on me alot when im on the computer!! Just reading that i know how stupid this whole situation must seem and many of u are just screaming GET OUT but trust me if it had been that easy id be gone by now.

I guess what i really wanted from this post was for people to say i can change him, i now realise thats not possible as many of you really seem to know what your talking about from similar experiences or helping people in similar situations.

Im not going to say im going to get out of it today but i am going to stop letting him do what hes doing to me, because many of you have made me realise i do deserve more.

Thanks again everyone :redface:

ShyGirly,

I'm glad that we were able to help you clarify that the way you're being treated is not normal or fair. I think someone else posted that psychological abuse is often more damaging than physical abuse, and I believe this to be true.

I was in a painful relationship for a long time, one I got into when I was very young. I wouldn't call it out-and-out abusive -- not the way most people would define it. And similar to your situation, he never laid a hand on me in anger, not once in 17 years.

But the parallels are there, and believe me, believe me, believe me, you cannot change him. I also understand that due to practical matters, you may not be able to leave today, this minute -- but please don't put it off because you don't want to feel the pain.

I was very damaged when I went into my relationship (my mother died of cancer when I was 14 and she had been ill most of my life) and I was starved for love. Nearer the beginning, the thought of leaving my relationship felt like the thought of cutting off my own arm -- I had absolutely no one else but him, and even though he was not treating me the way I deserved to be treated, he was giving me enough that I hung on, even though deep inside, it seemed I was always crying.

It's difficult to explain to outsiders exactly what is so bad about your relationship, when he doesn't hit you. It's even more difficult when you know you're not perfect either (and a man like yours is likely to remind you of your "faults" until you think they're much bigger than they are).

He may also appear to outsiders to be a really great person; he may "talk you up" or treat you wonderfully in front of others, so you really start to think you're crazy for wanting to leave.

You are not. If he is like that, he treats you well in public to draw attention to himself -- so everyone will marvel at what a great guy he is. Disregard it. Pay attention to the way he treats you the vast majority of the time that the two of you are alone.

I'm encouraged that you show the wisdom to carefully consider what all of us here have said. Believe us, believe in yourself, and get out.

Find some new friends, and reconnect with any old ones he may have already cut you off from.

Lastly, but not leastly, about the blushing smiley at the end of your open and honest post -- I know what it means, and I want to offer you a few words:

You deserve every second of the time people have spent writing their thoughts to you. You are worth our time, you are worth the time and attention of your friends and loved ones, and you are worthy of the love of a good man, one of good character who is capable of loving you unconditionally.

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

You deserve to be loved, and if you don't believe that deep inside, find some new friends and/or a therapist that will help you believe it. Please.

I wish you all the best as you continue forward in your life's journey, including real, authentic love and happiness.

:hug: Holly
 

yhtang

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I guess what i really wanted from this post was for people to say i can change him, i now realise thats not possible as many of you really seem to know what your talking about from similar experiences or helping people in similar situations.


I read this somewhere, along the lines of:

Women marry thinking they can change their men.
Men marry thinking their women will never change.
Both are wrong.

In a nutshell, marrying a man thinking you can change him is not really a solid base on which to start married life.

I hope all goes well with whatever decision you choose to make.