Maim that Tune

LOL!

Amidst groaning, I am opening this thread . I was inspired by the witty paraphrasing of "I will survive" by one of our members. Ok, all of you wordsmiths and musicians, have at it. Let the games begin....

 

Okay remember you started this thread.
(however DO NOT tell my boss you can see me):smile: and yes I am using my OWN laptop!:tongue:

My Maimed Tune

Can you hear me calling
out his name?
you know I'm stalling
cos I dont know your name
I'll yell out louder
maybe shout
you know I was drunk
cant get your name out

Oh, I
I wanna find my underwear
oh I
I wanna find my underwear

Come on baby better raise alarm
better do it soon before I break your arm

took so long my break's over !

 

I love this game, using as few changes as possible:

There's a saying old says that love is blind
Still were often told, seek and ye shall find
So I'm going to seek a certain lad I've had in mind.

Looking everywhere, haven't found him yet
He's the big affair I cannot forget
Only man I ever think of with regret.

I'd like to add his initial to my monogram
Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

There's a somebody I'm longing to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll squat over me
I'm a little lamb who's lost in the wood
I know I could always be good
Someone who'll squat over me

Although he may not be the man some
Girls think of as handsome
To my heart he carries the key
Won't you tell him please to put on some speed
Follow my lead, oh, how I need
Someone to squat over me

 

Here is a little something I whipped up for MAtthew and Lex's wedding. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did . I think I enjoyed it a bit too much. I ended up enjoying to the tune of twins But that is another story for another time....:biggrin1:

Naughty kicks off her Jimmy Choos and climbs atop the baby grand and grabs the microphone to serenade the happy couple....

"Makin' Whoopee"

Its a matched set, A groom and groom,
kid's that's a condom, not a balloon
And dont forget that or youll regret that
when makin whoopee

You know I almost threw grits not rice
On your black leather to add some spice
But that I don't need,for it might impede
You makin whoopee

Refrain
Baby, you better listen
to the sad tale I tell
Dont put a tent on that tree
You'll have your own Quantrell!

( pointing to the piano player)

This guy right here, he thinks he's slick
giving me champagne's his favorite trick
Though its illicit, I'm still complicit
LETS GO MAKE WHOOPEE



Naughty grabs Prepstud's collar and drags him out of the room...
Fade to black....:wink:

 

in memory of a cat I used to have, who left pawprints halfway up the walls
(& profuse apologies to Talking Heads)

Psycho Kitty

I can't seem to face up to the facts
I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax
I can't sleep cause my bed's on fire
Don't touch me I'm a real live wire

Psycho kitty, qu'est que c'est
Fur fur fur fur fur fur fur fur fur better
Run run run run run run away
Psycho kitty, que'st que c'est
Fur fur fur fur fur fur fur fur fur better
Run run run run run run away
Oh yeah

 

I heard this the other day while watching "Showboat" again. Watching Ava Gardners catlike eyes glaze over while she sang this song made me think. Obviously there was more to Bill than even the censors picked up...

"Bill"

I used to dream that I would discover
The perfect lover some day.
I knew I'd recognize him
If ever he came ‘round my way.
I always used to fancy then
He'd be one of the godlike kind of men
With a giant .... with a great big head
Like the nasty plain wrapper books I read

But along came Bill, who's not the type at all
You'd meet him on the street and never notice him;
His form and face, his manly grace
Are not the kind that you would find in a statue.

And I can't explain,
It's surely not his brain that makes me thrill.
I love him because he's wonderful
Because he's just old Bill.

He can't play golf, or tennis, or polo,
Or sing a solo, or row.
He isn't half as handsome
(It might be what he's got below ).

He isn't tall and straight and slim,
And he dresses far worse than Ted or Jim;
And I can't explain why he should be just
The one, one man in the world for me;

He's just my Bill, an ordinary boy,
He hasn't got a thing that I would brag about.( uh huh! )
And yet to be upon his knee
So comfy and roomy feels natural to me.

And I can't explain,
It's surely not his brain that makes me thrill.
I love him because he's... I don't know,(yes you do )
Because he's just my Bill.

 

hahahahaha :biggrin1: :biggrin1: :biggrin1: ROTFLMAO
Wow, y'all are really talented!
I wonder if we could get Weird Al Yankovic to perform some of these.

 

Thanks. I had a good time. I have to find some more to mutilate. I'm in that kind of mood. I am sure you can relate!

 

Your son'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
He'll be gay!

Just rubbin' his crotch,
Tomorrow
Clears away the boxers,
Or the jockstrap
'Til there's none!

When we fuck all day
That's great,
And lovely,
I just stick in my bone,
He'll moan,
And Say,
Oh!

Your son'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta jerk off
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I'll fuck ya Tomorrow!
But only
When you
Are gay!

 

LOL! That was positively WICKED!

 

"bump"

 

Dix, Dix, Dix
(To the tune "Bills, Bills, Bills" by Destiny's Child)

First, you started out like a freak. (Freak.)
Had me climbing walls like in Constantine.
But now you’re getting untouchable
Ain’t doin’ the nasty like you used to do…
Humbly makin’ me beg for things
Your booty should be handling.

And now you ask to stay at my crib. (Crib.)
Sleep all day and don’t even wash the sheets
And you have no veracity
To even come and ask of me
For a toothbrush so you can brush your teeth.

You cackling, chicken headed gold digger.
Silly ho, come along and pull my trigger.
A quickie, for when it gets hard and you’re the one who
Could help me out.
Instead a Barbie dull who makes a mayne wanna shout

Can you suck my dick?
Get Brokeback on my dick?
Know I had control of my dick?
So maybe we can do some tricks…
I don’t think you’re able…
Unless I have digital cable…

You’ve been going around town. (Town.)
Telling all the potential lovers you’re my boo.
I didn’t say you were
But you steady wishin’ that I was.
Talkin’ like sewing circles
Masterpiecing like you’re my fiance

And then you use my DSL (Broadband.)
To go on LPSG dot org
And then I hear from a friend you’re cyber stalking
You call my friend a liar just to cover up
The phone numbers written on your butt.
When I ask about them, you just say “What?”

You cackling, chicken headed gold digger.
Silly ho, come along and pull my trigger.
A quickie, for when it gets hard and you’re the one who
Could help me out.
Instead a Barbie dull who makes a mayne wanna shout

Can you suck my dick?
Get Brokeback on my dick?
Know I had control of my dick?
So maybe we can do some tricks…
I don’t think you’re able…
Unless I have digital cable…

Can you suck my dick?
Get Brokeback on my dick?
Know I had control of my dick?
So maybe we can do some tricks…
This is the end of this song
Please play with my muhfuggin' dong.
:biggrin1:

 

Sung to the tune of Nothing Could Be Finer

​

Nothing could be finer than to be in my vagina
in the morning
No one’s could be sweeter than my pussy when you eat her
in the morning​

Whilst my fingers twine about your chest hair​

You whisper dirty deeds I long to share

​

Strolling with your fingers where my dew is pearly early
In the morning
Trembling at your touch and at each kiss I pucker up
at days dawning​

If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day
I'd make a wish and darling here's what I'd say
Nothing could be finer than you fuckin’ my vagina
In the morning!

Nothing could be finer than you fuckin’ my vagina
In the morning!


​

​

With sincere apologies to:
Words by Howard Dietz
Music by Arthur Schwartz

 

Oh god, I do this all the time. A song will be playing or I'll remember it, and I'll just substitute something completely bizarre/inappropriate/humorous in.

I just ended a sentence with a preposition. I'm...I'm shocked, and a little confused. The world is falling apart. Save me.

 

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you lick tonight.

Yes you're lovely, with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft,
There is nothing for me but to love you,
And the way you lick tonight.

With each word your tenderness grows,
Tearing my fear apart...
And that laugh that wrinkles your nose,
It touches my foolish heart.

Lovely ... Never, ever change.
Keep that breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it ?
'Cause I love you ... Just the way you lick tonight.

Mm, Mm, Mm, Mm,
Just the way you lick to-night.

 

Never Been to Me​

Hey brother, you brother
Cursing at your life
You’re a discontented Lawyer
with a regimented life
I've no doubt you dream about
The things you never do
But I wish someone had a talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you

Oh I've been to Georgia and California
And anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a soldier man
And we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places
And friendly faces
Because I had to be free
I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me

Please baby, please brother
Don't just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
Why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me
Still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart
That has lived a million lives
Oh I've been to Butte
And to Camucia
And I’ve done it on a Vespa
I moved liked Harlow in hot Chicago
And showed 'em what I've got
I've been undressed by kings
And I've seen some things
That a women ain't s’posed to see
I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me



Hey, you know what paradise is
It's a lie, a fantasy
We create about people and places
As we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is
It's that adjustable rate mortgage
And it's that woman you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love

Some times I've been to crying for unborn children
That might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life
And never knew I'd be bitter from the sweet
I've spent my life exploring
The subtle whoring
That cost too much to be free
Hey brother, I've been to paradise
But I've never been to me

I've been to paradise
Never been to me

Been to Georgia and California
And anywhere I could run

I've been to paradise
Never been to me

Oh I've been to Butte
And to Camucia
And I’ve done it on a Vespa

I've been to paradise
Never been to me

 

"Round the Mountain"

She was going round the mountain going 90 miles an hour,
when the chain on her bicycle broke,
she wound up in the grass,
with a sprocket up her ass,
and her titties playing "Dixie" on the spokes



Thank You ,Thank You , very much

 

From the thread:

http://www.lpsg.org/women-s-issues/50527-why-white-men-better-cunnilingus-5.html#post835495

Quote:
Originally Posted by fivesalive http://www.lpsg.org/images36/buttons/viewpost.gif
personally i love taking a stroll downtown...

When you're alone and she is making you horny
You can always go - downtown
When you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know - downtown
Just listen to the music of her purring like a kitty
Linger on the clitoris which looks so very pretty
How can you lose?

Think how you'll excite her there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares
So go downtown, things'll be great when you're
Downtown - no finer place, for sure
Downtown - everything's waiting for you

:biggrin1:

 

I'll be seizing you in all the old familiar places...

 

OR squeezing you! LOL!