Making Love to a Woman

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by BUSTERHYMAN, Nov 23, 2010.

  1. BUSTERHYMAN

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    Making Love to a Woman

    MAKING COFFEE
    Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

    You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

    LAYING A CARPET
    Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

    You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

    HANGING WALLPAPER
    Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

    Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

    PUTTING UP A TENT
    Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

    You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

    WASHING A CAR
    Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

    You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

    BEING IN THERAPY
    And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

    BEING IN A CRASH
    Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

    First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

    GOING FISHING
    Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

    First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

    Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
     
  2. Calboner

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    Were you knowingly quoting Swiss Tony, or did you find these lines somewhere else?
     
  3. BUSTERHYMAN

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  4. Calboner

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    Yeah, the lines are utterances of a particular character in a television series rather than jokes meant to stand on their own. On the other hand, from what I can tell, the television show is just the same joke over and over again (it was a spin-off from a not-very-funny character in The Fast Show), so maybe the lines are just as well off on their own.
     
  5. MeHung

    MeHung New Member

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    Totally entertaining! Some are true though!
     
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