Male bonding & feeling like a 'real' man

[BIGBULL29]

I agree with a lot of what has been said, I too have felt the same way you do. I have dealt with not being the most masculine guy around but that didn't make me any less of a guy - if you know what I mean. My friends just accept me for who I am. I too grew up around women and all the women I knew were very dominant. It's kind of an advantage because you have insight into the female brain. I stopped worrying about fitting in with the guys and I couldn't be any happier.

Yes, because you're male and have nothing to prove. You're aware!:wink:

 

[earllogjam]

Why would you want to hang around people men or women that you just don't feel comfortable around? I'm afraid that awkwardness is picked up by any group of people and makes them feel awkward too or certainly not inclined to hang with you. You'll need to find a group of guys you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable around hyper macho, beer drinking, womanizing, redneck types find guys friends that share your interests and disposition.

Guys usually socialize while doing something, an activity, hobby, sport, game - that's how making guy friends usually works from my experience. That stuff gives you non-personal stuff to talk about.

 

[BigDallasDick8x6]

Very few guys are the loud jock or hairy mechanic or outdoor hunter (stereo)type.

Any loud jocks or hairy mechanics out there, please contact me!! LOL

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

(and it really pains me that I'm beginning to lose a lot of them to marriage, in the sense that the range of access I'll have to them will be truncated)

Unfortunately, that is what happens to those of us who are single. After marriage, a lot of the wives want it to be couples only or just with married buds. Funny, they don't want us around again until they are old. They want their husband out of their hair.

 

[B_Bonky]

I also think that men regardless of age, race and/or sexuality has that inherent need to bond with another man.

I don't agree: I love hanging out with women, I love having female friends and lovers (several right now). And I have no interest in knowing or hanging out with guys. And I don't have any problem with it.

I'm sory that the OP has problems with the fact that he "doesn't fit in" with men. To me that's silly to feel bad about that.. if he were a straight man who didn't "fit in" with WOMEN, now that would be a problem IMHO.

When I was a kid I used to play tag with all the little girls on the playground and they'd wave to me after school when my mom was picking me up and say "Bye Bonkeeeeee." I had a couple of male friends in my teens but never really cared about them. I have a good relationship with the men in my family and play sports and have had "manly" hobbies like kayaking and hiking and rock-climbing, shooting etc etc but I simply don't feel comfortable or interested in hangin out with another dude or in a group of dudes. When I'm in a group of people I end up interacting with any women in that group.

Maybe the OP simply has a mind that feels a lot more comfortable around women, and with no interest in men. Fine. Yet he feels bad about that. That's the problem, AFAIC.

 

[B_Bonky]

(and it really pains me that I'm beginning to lose a lot of them to marriage, in the sense that the range of access I'll have to them will be truncated)

Pretty soon you'll be losing your gay friends to marriage too :wink:

 

[B_Hung Jon]

Yeah. I agree with what eastbay said. It sounds like you want male companionship and friendship, but you're afraid that in order to make it happen, you have to expose yourself to groups of men that make you flinch. To me, they're called "frat boys." And to me, you also sound like you suffer from the same issues that the lead character Paul Rudd played -- that movie in which he's trying to find a guy to take the place as his best man at his wedding or some such.

I agree that you should just hang out with guys because you're probably psyching yourself out, imagining it to be worse than it really is. On the other hand, you shouldn't feel pressured to immerse yourself in uncomfortable situations. I say, just do the things you like doing and, if guys happen to be there, make friendly conversation.

Needless to say, men are dealt a huge blow in this society if they can't act butch and rugged and insensitive all the time. Being someone who was never that adept with a ball, I think we fuck up our young sons out of fear that they won't be "tough enough," and they internalize that shame. And we're so jacked up by the process that we turn around and constantly check how manly we're being, and we judge other guys and put 'em down to make ourselves feel better, and we end up doing dumb shit like calling each other fags even if our dicks don't work that way. I think it's just as bad for gay people. That's why they do all that "straight acting" bullshit; it's because they are made to believe that all gay men are necessarily effeminate, and they end up turning on each other over some arbitrary bullshit. (Maybe they have it worse than we do.)

Either way, man, you shared something big. Great! Now let's do something about it. Keep us posted.

This is just about the best advice I've ever read about masculinity and culture. Thanks, DeeBlackThorn.:biggrin1:

 

[morsecode]

I've never felt masculine enough, like a real man, or whatever you wanna call it, sometimes I feel that I came out broken, defective. However, I don't feel the need to bond with men, I much rather bond with women, figures that I don't have the slightest idea on how to do it.

 

[B_Bonky]

yeah well then you're really fucked

 

[Slamdunk_dude]

Hey guys,First off a huge thank you for the numerous insightful replies & private messages I have received.Obviously I'm not alone in feeling this way & that does make me feel somewhat better.I'm going to really think about all the advice given & post a longer reply when I've really taken it all in.Thank you all so much again!

 

[D_Zaphnathpaaneah Jackson]

I was raised by women, and have two older sisters. Dad was pretty busy when I was younger, so I had heaps of female contact, with not much male contact, o I grew up with some guy friends but more girl friends. It took me up until maybe when I was 15 to really bond with other guys, but now I'm alot closer to guys than women and find guy easier to get along with. It took a bit of time, but I think having a best mate to talk to about anything, sort of like a go to person, is irreplaceable. I can see how people think mal bonding is important, because, well, it is. That's just my opinion guys. =]

 

[deleted356736]

I'm quite a lot the same: I feel much more comfortable around women than men, but this doesn't bother me at all. I suspect it's for similar reasons to most men who feel this way: an absent or insensitive father who was a poor role model for male behaviour. Beyond that, typical aspects of masculine behaviour don't appeal to me terribly much. The only men in my life are work colleagues who I get on reasonably well with from eight to five at least. But too many men always feel the need to prove a point.

Like a lot of long-term married men, my closest friend is my wife, and we share great moments together. Beyond my wife, I tend to form friendships and relationships quite easily with women who cross my path. Indeed, one of the most enjoyable jobs I had was two years working as a project manager in healthcare, which was a very feminine workplace.

For me, this is not a crisis of sexuality, I am 100% straight as my profile shows. Indeed, it's the inverse: as I grew and matured and got to know women I got to like them, and with experience I became more confident with women, and I made more female friends, and it cascaded from there.

 

[dbd1830]

See how "Real men do things together" according to a Swedish Crossfit pro

 

[hvdude]

See how "Real men do things together" according to a Swedish Crossfit pro

Why was this thread reborn?

 

[Lucius2s1]

Why was this thread reborn?

Someone enjoyed the stories?

 

[virginboy08]

You can jerk to my pics anytime.

 

[itscomplex]

I also am in a slightly similar situation as my cerebral palsy combined with my father's drinking habit led to my mother taking me to live in a town where my grandmother lived. I somehow bonded with other guys but still developed a curiosity for the male body, experimented, questioned myself to a self-destructive point and settled as considering myself bi. I have to be closeted here though. Guess dads matter a lot. Idk if this helps but simply talking to guys could get you a friend.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Interesting that you name yourself SlamDunk when you cop to not being that conformable with sports.


Also noted you mentioned an absent father.


ergo- my advice is that at your age you need to start focusing on career. If you're in school, then focus on your major... if you're not, you need to determine what you want to do with your life- regardless of personal relationship.

Then you need to find a mentor in that field. Some older man who will see you interest and resolve as being worthy of his helping you... an older man you can go to with questions pertaining to your career, your job performance and such like.

You are awkward in your male relationships because you never had a father relationship, first.
And must not have had brothers, either.

recognize that MOST guys have moments of feeling left out, or not fitting in with their male peers... depending on the situation. And recognize that the kid of men who are the most Bro-Prone and never feel that way, are not all that discerning, in general. Their apparent comfort is often nothing more than obliviousness to the more nuanced sense of interpersonal relationship that you might feel.

The worst thing you can do is try and force yourself into any mold into which you do not naturally fit.

If you aren't keen on being in a gym setting- then don;t force yourself to... you won't find a real friendship by being false.

Rather- figure out what you DO love to do- be that scuba diving, mountain biking, pub crawling... or whatever... and immerse yourself in that as your off work interest... and in that way you will meet other men who have the same interest- and that right there is a shared ground on which a friendship can build.

e.g. I am not the kind of guy that would ever really be able to relate to the kind of guy who can yell at the TV over a sports play- or who enjoys watching men fight. So I do not even try to hang with guys like that. I just can't find what they are interested in, interesting.... and I sure as hell don't want to be the wet blanket in their circle.

Find YOURSELF first- what you are interested in. And then look for the community of others who share the same perspectives.