Male Bonding

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Chocolatestix, Mar 23, 2007.

  1. Chocolatestix

    Chocolatestix Member

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    In order for you all to understand my disscussion/question I have to give you all a little background. So I'm going to be 20 years old a month from tomorrow (April 24) and I have no father or male role models in my life. This has been bothering me of late. My father was never in my life ever, I know who he is and seen him but as far as being an active participant in my life he was not there. My only other role model that I could look to in my household was my grandfather and all he did was call me a dumb, ugly, black niggea so as you can imagine I don't have a close relationship with him. A possible role model now is my aunt's husband, my uncle. The only thing with him is that he is a pastor and I do not feel comfortable discussing sexual things with him because he is a pastor.... arkward. I didn't have any brothers and I was one of those kids that was two young to be with the older crowd and too old to be with the younger crowd. My mom had me at an early age and she has two other sisters (one older one younger) both of which helped in raising me. Long story short I have been socialized in a female dominated world and I have femenine qualities that I'm unconscious of because of the context in which I grew up. I'm more conscious of them now but they are still there. With that in mind I want to disscuss how to go about forming a male bond without being "too emotional"? My new roommate is excellent. He has really helped me in terms of discussing things with guys that I would not otherwise discuss. I feel like sexuality is so taboo and alot of guys don't feel comfortable discussing things that pertain to sexuality in such a serious manner. For instance, I was about to talk to my roommate about how I think my penis is getting thicker :biggrin1:. I was really nervous at first because I felt vulnarable even though I didn't think he would respond negatively; I just have never had a relationship with a guy where I could discuss such things and not feel like I was exposing a weakness. In other words he is the only guy that I feel comfortable discussing things pertaining to sex and things I don't know or just general questions that we all seem to have just being guys. In having such a relationship I'm very greatful that he is my friend and I have told him in so many words that he means a lot to me other than telling him how I really which is that I love him. Not in a sexual way but how one loves his brother or best friend. I've recently told him he is the brother I always wanted but never had. I have often told him that he has no idea how much I appreciate him but at the end of the day I'm simply saying that I love him. Can I tell him that and he not get werided out? Even thought I don't think that he would but guys typically, at least in my understanding, don't tell other guys that they love them. I can't even think of any guys that I tell I love them. (I've tell my grandfather but not because I mean it just because he is my grandfather and he normally says it first). We both agree we don't have the average male relationship in terms of our discussions- we've only experienced the conversation that we have with each other and not with other guys. In the example of my penis getting thicker he told me that his friends back home would have just said that their penis is thick in a joking way but not discussing it such a meaningful and serious way. I think he knows what I'm getting at but should I just leave how I feel unsaid or do I cross the line? Sorry for such a long post but I'm really hoping I get some positive feed back.
     
  2. Dave NoCal

    Gold Member

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    It sounds to me like you have told him how very special he is in your life. It might be that it would be both accurate, and less potentially anxiety provoking, to make statements of love in a familial context, as you did when you told him you love him like a brother. I'd be go easy and try to read the cues about how much emotional intensity he can comfortably accept. Also, you need to be careful that he understands that what you are communicating is your appreciation, not an emotional obligation on his part.
    Dave
     
  3. xaviercm20

    xaviercm20 Member

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    Hey Stix,
    It sounds to me like you are very much in touch with your thoughts and emotions, and very able at expressing them in a good way. You just keep on communicating like you are with your room-mate and others that become an important part of your life, and the odds are good that the people you befriend will be like you... and appreciate your candor and thoughtfulness. You will develop many strong friendships in this manner, ones that will stand the test of time. Best wishes,
    X
     
  4. D_Garmanswait Glassnads

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    Stix your situation is almost exactly the same as mine although now I live with my father and have done for over a year now.

    I would try and keep open about the way your feel, people do appreciate it but try and take it slow so that they understand how you work better. It is what you are afterall, I keep honest constantly to those around me, people either love it or hate it.

    Xavier your avatar is FUCKING FREAKY. ARGHHHHHH!!!!!
     
  5. Magic 8

    Magic 8 New Member

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    Chocolatestix, just tell him that you love him like a brother. That he is the brother you never had and that you appreciate everything he has done to help you get through the rough spots. Let him know that you will be there if he needs you. You never know what the future holds, someday he may need you to be there for him. I think he'll understand exactly where you're coming from.
     
  6. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    That's quite a bit, actually. I wouldn't think that you need to go further.
     
  7. Chocolatestix

    Chocolatestix Member

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    All the advice was very helpful! I just think that the problem that I have is intensely personal. I don't feel like he would ever undestand how much he means to me. I'm sure he does but I don't think he really understands. If that makes any sense. The brother thing works but I guess I'm just upset that our masculinity prevents me from expressing my feelings the way I would like to.
     
  8. Oncamale28

    Oncamale28 New Member

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    Possibly also you could also seek other male/brother friends as the situation arises. Your roomate may or may not feel totally comfortable, or be able to for whatever reason, be the steadfast person you desire to relate to. If you come to depend on him in this way and he simply cannot fulfill this role you could be crushed and hurt. It may take time but you are likely to meet other true friends who you will also depend on and will be willing to share your deepest feelings in a genuine way...

    P.S. FYI ur thick...
     
  9. cklover

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    I observed that str8 men don't use verbal expression when it comes to their warm feelings for eachother. Rather, it's shared activities, like sports, goofing around with eachother humorously, and some bitching about women, jobs, etc.
     
  10. Chocolatestix

    Chocolatestix Member

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    Yes I agree and that's part of my problem. I have not been socialized to be non-emotional; growing up with mostly women for most of my life has put me in a position to always discuss ( I know this is very cliche) how I feel. We talk about women, goof around and what have you but we a still are two very different types of people. But it's werid he is a very personal person, has few people that he would call friends and is very quiet but yet when you get him one on one like I do he tend to open up a bit more. And I don't think those activities are going to express to him that he has made a huge impact on my life as oppose to me telling him that I love him as brother. I get what you are saying but that just doesn't work for me.
     
  11. ackomack

    ackomack Member

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    Chocolatestix,

    You've told your friend how much he means, now let it be. Don't keep professing your love for your friend, or he will think you adore him a little too much.

    Remember not to put people on pedestals - it's not fair to them, and it's not fair to you. He's just a normal person, and obviously a good, close friend. I'm sure that one day he will need to rely upon you for support, and when that time comes, I'm sure you'll be there for him. Let it be at that - there's no need to re-hash or keep stating how much he means to you. It should be obvious by the fun times you have while hanging out together.

    What I'm most concerned about is that you *sound* like you could be developing a codependent relationship with this guy. You need to think about what it is that is making you feel compelled to express these emotions to your friend. Ask yourself what type of emotional connection do you want with your friend? Is it the type of emotional connection that he desires as well? I'm just afraid that by getting "clingy" you may run him off and lose a good friend, which is never good. More importantly, I don't want you to develop an unhealthy attachment to him and begin assessing your self worth based upon how you perceive your friendship.

    Take care of yourself, and remember you are a good person worthy of friendship yourself. Always move forward in your life, don't dwell on the past and what made you you, but instead, what you want to be.

    Good luck!
    Jake
     
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