Male sexual assault survivors

[englad]

https://aasas.ca/support-and-information/men-and-sexual-assault/

The vast majority of male offenders who sexually abuse or assault other men identify themselves as heterosexual.

• Men are the perpetrators in the large majority of sexual abuse and sexual assault cases involving male victims.
• Despite popular belief, most male perpetrators identify themselves as heterosexual, and they often have consensual sexual relationships with women.
• The reporting rate for male victims is even lower than the already-low rate for females.
• The biggest reason for not reporting male sexual assault: fear of being perceived as homosexual. (this one is specifically for straight male sexual assault survivors or closeted LGBT

It’s not unusual for a male victim to “freeze” out of shock or fear of physical harm. Few, if any, guys have ever considered the possibility of such a thing happening, and are therefore totally unprepared.

Having an erection or ejaculation is a normal, involuntary physiological response, and does not automatically equate with arousal — or with consent.

https://www.endsexualviolence.org/where_we_stand/male-victims/

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/...-myths-silencing-lgbtq-sexual-assault-victims

"gay men experience similar rates of rape by an intimate partner as their straight compatriots, but when you factor in sexual violence other than rape, the rate more than doubles: 40 percent of gay men and 47 percent of bisexual men, versus 21 percent of heterosexual men over their lifetimes (which includes all encounters, whether from an "intimate partner" or not)."


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So despite the disgusting myth you'll see some straight men will use to bash gay men, most male sexual assaulters of men actually identify as straight. My case was typical in that regard, and yes he was having sexual relationships with women at the time, including a girlfriend. It is vaguely comforting to know that isn't rare.

In the UK specifically, the reporting rate for male victims of sexual assault is 4%! Compared to the average 15% reporting rate.

The additional stigma is added to by certain gender based conditioning myths, such as:

"men can't be victims or men can't be raped"

"men can't fail to provide consent"

"an erection equals consent"

Sexuality based baggage comes into this one, such as the myth that "gay men are attracted to everyone of the same sex".

So what sort of barriers did you have to put up with when first trying to tell people?

In my case, it was mainly straight friends and colleagues getting obsessive about the attacker's identity. Because like the majority, in my case also identified as straight. He was also an older colleague which made it far more complicated to bring up and process, and meant I had to share an office space with him for a further 6 months.

In a close friend's case, the first question asked was "did you enjoy it". His abuser also identified as straight, and threw homophobic slurs. Obviously as gay/bi men are likelier to be targeted, homophobia tends to play a role in the attacks.

How long did it take you to open up about it? In my case specifically, it took 4.5 years. Main reason for that I feel was a combination of trying to process the trauma through emotional self-defence mechanisms (notably trying to state that it was harassment, when really it was a gratuituous assault. Also turning him into a dr jekyll/mr hyde type character, i.e. a sober him that was tolerable, and a drunk him that was to be avoided at all costs.

Did you report? The vast majority of us won't have done so. I didn't either, particularly seeing as I was three months living into a new city, in a new country. With no legal insurance, no in depth prior conversation on the topic, I also mainly grew up under section 28 in the UK, which would have made it illegal to discuss any same sex sex in schools, including sexual assault. I only had an independent witness to the last act in the assault, but as it was very frantic and all happened in 10 minutes. I was trying to process what the fuck had happened in the previous 10 minutes.

How has it affected you and coming to terms with it? In my case, I swung between extremes of being extremely cold and distant to extremely clingy based on a lack of trust. After coming to terms with it, I've had a lot of emotional breakdowns and I've not been eating right or sleeping right for a few weeks.

Have you told anyone offline? In my case, I've mentioned this to around 10 friends so far, and I'm going to mention it to a few more. Because I think I owe it to everyone else to become more visible on the issue.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/some-male-sexual-assault-victims-feel-left-behind-metoo-n867386



"Women have waited so long to get their due, so maybe there's an attitude of, 'Don't take away my voice,'" Cook said. "But it's not a competition."

"Men also have been waiting a long time, and they shouldn't have to wait. They should be heard now."

Treating sexual assault like a competition is ridiculous, never thought anybody's pain would negate anyone else's. They all complement each other, I find it insulting to assume it's a competition. I personally have focussed more on the gender of the perpetrators (because in our case as well they are also mainly men). I think also that this topic is so taboo, that we rarely get any information about it, so many of us don't imagine it ever happening to us. We just think we'd fight them off (I managed but not after a whole bunch of shit had happened), and not succumb, not knowing that many victims freeze under shock. Shock is powerful, and you don't know how that will affect you until you're in that position.

 

[englad]

I don't personally feel that the metoo movement is leaving male survivors behind, but I tend to get greater empathy on the topic from LGBT women, though some straight women and men have been very accepting too. I sometimes have found it harder to tell gay male friends and also ex-boyfriends, because I think the issue strikes us a little more closely to home, as we're at a higher risk of this. Also survivors of both main genders have been very supportive (at least the offline ones I know), and it was good to all open up together on the topic. So I haven't felt shut out from the conversation from people I know personally.

 

[AlteredEgo]

"As a male survivor you're always an adjunct," he said. "You're never the leading subject of a conversation."
This ises the word survivor, but comes across to me as victim speak. In 2018, post-web2.0, if you want to be "the leading subject of a conversation" start the conversation. If you don't feel your platform is strong enough, look to those with a broad reach who have been open, and ask them to help you reach the public with your message. Then again, as we all transition from victim to survivor, asking for help with this issue can be the hardest part. Perhaps, due to toxic masculinity and social expectations, this is even moreso the case for male survivors. I wouldn't claim to know. Still, strikes me as an odd thing to say to someone who actually is putting your specific demographic in the foreground of an illuminating, illustrating article.

Only one man has confided in me about abuse. He uses the word molestation to describe what happened to him, but has never opened up about any specific details. He told me about it because the perpetrator was his uncle, and due to his grandmother's passing, he has legal issues to navigate on his mother's behalf. He found the interaction difficult, and eventually, his mother confronted the uncle about it attempting to move the whole situation along. This was incredibly invasive, and felt to my friend like revisiting violation. His mother is LGBT and a feminist. I have wondered if she would have done the same thing to a woman, or to a man who wasn't her son.

"Women have waited so long to get their due, so maybe there's an attitude of, 'Don't take away my voice,'" Cook said. "But it's not a competition."

"Men also have been waiting a long time, and they shouldn't have to wait. They should be heard now."

Treating sexual assault like a competition is ridiculous, never thought anybody's pain would negate anyone else's. They all complement each other, I find it insulting to assume it's a competition.

From the very beginning of the threads in Twitter, from Alyssa Milano's first post, it was made clear that the idea for #MeToo came about in a conversation specifically about female experiences, and counting them. Still, some of the first respondents were men, and I don't see any re-tweets or replies asking them not to speak up even though they were not summoned. I did see a reply to one man that was very supportive and encouraging. Then I saw another man engaging in whataboutism. Whataboutism is about invoking competition, and skimming through the first few days of @ replies to Alyssa's tweet, that one man is the only one I see doing that. Here, and in other online spaces, I also only see men doing that (granted, I have a few women on ignore here).

Now, what may be perceived by some as competition, is this. This is a conversation that is sometimes open to the public, and sometimes is otherwise happening in women's spaces. Context is key. In a world where many men silence or talk over women without seemingly even realizing they're doing it, women's spaces which focus on the ideas and experiences of women are necessary. Vital. Just as I wouldn't shift the focus of a conversation in a space specifically for obstacles faced by the Jewish community to problems encountered by black people (except as it pertains to my Jewish relatives who are/were all black) when it is not an open platform, where the conversation is centered on the collective experience of a particular group, this is not the time to hash out the (albeit valid and heartbreaking) traumas of another group. There is time for collaboration, space for it too. It is not always the time or the space. Male survivors may (and usually do) belong to minority groups, but they are still male. They still have male privilege, and they look like, sound like those who have abused and oppressed us, and when they enter our safe spaces and drop whataboutisms or want to redirect energy from female voices and concerns, well, it's oppressive. It is.

Meanwhile, though the discussion/movement began for women, it did so in an openly shared space, so men came forward, were counted, were embraced, and have effected change in very clear ways. Nobody accepted Kevin Spacey's asinine attempt at deflection via his revelations about his sexuality as an acceptable apology for assaulting young men, for example.

Pardon me, but it seems to me, from my perspective, that the reason some men feel the movement leaves them behind is they are used to, as men, being the focus. In this case, because there are far more female survivors than male, naturally they are not at the front nor center of most dialogue on this topic. That doesn't have to mean they aren't included. Again, it also doesn't mean men cannot start their own public conversations about their specific issues either.

You know what that supportive message from a woman to a man, in the first days after Alyssa Milano joined the movement via her tweet?

"You told the truth. I believe you." Especially given your experience, you know how important it is to get that kind of validation. That seems as welcoming as it is beautiful.

What happened to you and your friend should never happen to anyone. And what happened after? That shouldn't have either. I'm sorry. I believe you both. They say what doesn't kill us makes is stronger. I hope that proves to be the truth for you.

 

[englad]

"As a male survivor you're always an adjunct," he said. "You're never the leading subject of a conversation."
This ises the word survivor, but comes across to me as victim speak. In 2018, post-web2.0, if you want to be "the leading subject of a conversation" start the conversation. If you don't feel your platform is strong enough, look to those with a broad reach who have been open, and ask them to help you reach the public with your message. Then again, as we all transition from victim to survivor, asking for help with this issue can be the hardest part. Perhaps, due to toxic masculinity and social expectations, this is even moreso the case for male survivors. I wouldn't claim to know. Still, strikes me as an odd thing to say to someone who actually is putting your specific demographic in the foreground of an illuminating, illustrating article.

I agree, I think there's nothing wrong with being an adjunct and not the focus in a conversation that you've joined (that Tamara Burke has also said is open to every survivor), because we are a minority when it comes to this topic. I think toxic masculinity plays a huge role in creating gender-specified pressures for male victims specifically. Because of stereotypes bound up with it not even being possible, or that you can't fail to provide consent. I think in that case, it was easier for men to jump in on a conversation started by women, and Tamara Burke and the vast majority of the metoo movement have opened their arms to all survivors.

Only one man has confided in me about abuse. He uses the word molestation to describe what happened to him, but has never opened up about any specific details. He told me about it because the perpetrator was his uncle, and due to his grandmother's passing, he has legal issues to navigate on his mother's behalf. He found the interaction difficult, and eventually, his mother confronted the uncle about it attempting to move the whole situation along. This was incredibly invasive, and felt to my friend like revisiting violation. His mother is LGBT and a feminist. I have wondered if she would have done the same thing to a woman, or to a man who wasn't her son.

His description is quite common from what male survivors tend to do. It's known as minimisation. In my case I used the term "harassment" to describe to myself what was happening, I think it just seemed less terrifying to call it that than what it was, i.e. a gratuitous sexual assault. I also used other forms of minimisation like calling the assault "not a rape", which was actually inaccurate to the legal definition of the word in the country where it took place.

From the very beginning of the threads in Twitter, from Alyssa Milano's first post, it was made clear that the idea for #MeToo came about in a conversation specifically about female experiences, and counting them. Still, some of the first respondents were men, and I don't see any re-tweets or replies asking them not to speak up even though they were not summoned. I did see a reply to one man that was very supportive and encouraging. Then I saw another man engaging in whataboutism. Whataboutism is about invoking competition, and skimming through the first few days of @ replies to Alyssa's tweet, that one man is the only one I see doing that. Here, and in other online spaces, I also only see men doing that (granted, I have a few women on ignore here).

Now, what may be perceived by some as competition, is this. This is a conversation that is sometimes open to the public, and sometimes is otherwise happening in women's spaces. Context is key. In a world where many men silence or talk over women without seemingly even realizing they're doing it, women's spaces which focus on the ideas and experiences of women are necessary. Vital. Just as I wouldn't shift the focus of a conversation in a space specifically for obstacles faced by the Jewish community to problems encountered by black people (except as it pertains to my Jewish relatives who are/were all black) when it is not an open platform, where the conversation is centered on the collective experience of a particular group, this is not the time to hash out the (albeit valid and heartbreaking) traumas of another group. There is time for collaboration, space for it too. It is not always the time or the space. Male survivors may (and usually do) belong to minority groups, but they are still male. They still have male privilege, and they look like, sound like those who have abused and oppressed us, and when they enter our safe spaces and drop whataboutisms or want to redirect energy from female voices and concerns, well, it's oppressive. It is.

I understand, but there is also a psychological distinction between whataboutism and a sentiment of "don't make me invisible" and "don't forget me". That is not meant to deflect from the vast majority of sexual survivors' suffering (i.e. female sexual violence survivors), if anything the intention is to complement it. Male privilege leans far more heavily onto a male perpetrator than it does onto a male survivor (especially if it is related to another man). About the only place I can think of as having male privilege as a survivor would be if I were to respond with a spell of hypersexuality, I wouldn't be slut shamed for that (or far more lightly). But the weight of "you can't fail to provide consent" and other gender conditioning myths massively impact on me as a male survivor. As does the lack of sexuality based privilege and inevitable stereotyping that is bound up with it. Also try not to forget that those who abused and oppressed you also look like the man who abused me. I think it is sometimes easier to join in women's conversations on that, because it is hard to get men to talk about this. I accept that there is not always a time and space for colloboration.

Meanwhile, though the discussion/movement began for women, it did so in an openly shared space, so men came forward, were counted, were embraced, and have effected change in very clear ways. Nobody accepted Kevin Spacey's asinine attempt at deflection via his revelations about his sexuality as an acceptable apology for assaulting young men, for example.

Pardon me, but it seems to me, from my perspective, that the reason some men feel the movement leaves them behind is they are used to, as men, being the focus. In this case, because there are far more female survivors than male, naturally they are not at the front nor center of most dialogue on this topic. That doesn't have to mean they aren't included. Again, it also doesn't mean men cannot start their own public conversations about their specific issues either.

Yeh I think, it was a case of female sexual assault survivor's bravery in coming forward helped us join in a conversation. For me specifically, having a colleague do that, meant I felt particularly emotionally invested in both the Weinstein and Spacey cases.

I think that is very likely for why some men feel that way, and I think in other contexts it would be more an overreaction to being perceived as invisible.

You know what that supportive message from a woman to a man, in the first days after Alyssa Milano joined the movement via her tweet?
View attachment 1067526

"You told the truth. I believe you." Especially given your experience, you know how important it is to get that kind of validation. That seems as welcoming as it is beautiful.

What happened to you and your friend should never happen to anyone. And what happened after? That shouldn't have either. I'm sorry. I believe you both. They say what doesn't kill us makes is stronger. I hope that proves to be the truth for you.

Thank you, I can't express how much I appreciate that. I believe you too . It shouldn't have happened to you. I hope you have come to some greater emotional peace with the pain you endured. I think I'm still in the reorganisation phase.

 

[shard38]

Yes, I was assaulted during a cruising meeting and it affected me profoundly. I was very lucky to have this forum, where I was met with overwelming support and advice. It was here people also pointed out to me that I was downplaying the whole event, that it was indeed rape and not just assault. I told four friends in real life and though they were supportive, they also clearly didn’t know how to help me. I had 6 weeks of therapy (every other day two hour sessions) and that really helped to come to terms with what happened, especially the guilt I felt.

I’ve bumped into my attacker three times after that and the last time I was able to remain calm and brush it off. I stopped cruising, stopped online dating and my relationship came to an end after the attack. And although I’m quite happy at the moment and have a healthy sex life, I feel I’m nowhere near the person I was before. Meeting new people has become off limits in my mind.

I’m very sorry it happened to you and I can only advise to get some professional help. It really helped me deal with the whole situation.

 

[Galloper]

What is even more sickening is when the abuser claims innocence arguing that the victim provoked him or her, trying to make the victim feel guilty and ashamed.

 

[XL_Lingam]

I posted a similar list in the thread in women's issue, but I would also like to post a list of resources here, as well, for those who may be in need. As a survivor myself, I send you all my love and support. Please reach out for help if you need it

Resources for Male Survivors of Sexual Assault:

• 1in6 (for men sexually abused as children): Provides educational information and resources for men, family and friends, and professionals. Also provides access to the online hotline.
• Jimhopper.com: This site has articles that discuss the effects of child sexual abuse on adult men and their loved ones.
• Malesurvivor.org: This site has information and a therapist search for male survivors of sexual violence.

LGBTQ Survivors:

• GLBTQ Domestic Violence Project: Website, information and hotline for GLBTQ victims of domestic violence and their families. Hotline: 800.832.1901
• the Network la Red: The Network/La Red hotline provides emotional support, information, and safety planning for lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer and/or transgender folks, as well as folks in the BDSM or Polyamorous communities who are being abused or have been abused by a partner. Support available in English and Spanish. Hotline: 617.742.4911
• National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs: A coalition of programs that document and advocate for victims of anti-LGBT and anti-HIV/AIDS violence/harassment, domestic violence, sexual assault, police misconduct and other forms of victimization. Site has a list of local anti-violence programs and publications. Hotline: 212.714.1141
• The Trevor Project: Help and suicide prevention for GBLTQ youth. Hotline: 866.488.7386
• GLBT National Hotline: Call center that refers to over 15,000 resources across the country that support LGBTQ individuals. Hotline: 888.THE.GLNH (843.4564)
• FORGE (For Ourselves: Reworking Gender Expression): Home to the Transgender Sexual Violence Project. Provides services and publishes research for transgender persons experiencing violence and their loved ones.
• Association for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Issues in Counseling: Directory of LGBT-friendly mental health specialists across the United States. Specialists listed are verified members of AGLBTIC, a division of the American Counseling Association.

Human Trafficking:

• National Human Trafficking Resource Center: A national multilingual anti-trafficking hotline. Caller can report a tip; connect with anti-trafficking services in their area; or request training and technical assistance, general information, or specific anti-trafficking resources. Hotline: 888.373.7888
• U.S. Department of Justice Trafficking in Persons and Worker Exploitation Complaint Line: Call to report suspected instances of human trafficking or worker exploitation or contact the FBI field office nearest you. Offers foreign language translation services in most languages as well as TTY. After business hours, the complaint line has a message service in English, Spanish, Russian, and Mandarin. Hotline: 888.428.7581

Military Resources:

• Safe Helpline: Department of Defense (DoD) Safe Helpline is a groundbreaking crisis support service for members of the DoD community affected by sexual assault. Safe Helpline provides live, one-on-one support and information to the worldwide DoD community. The service is confidential, anonymous, secure, and available worldwide, 24/7 by click, call or text — providing victims with the help they need anytime, anywhere. Hotline: 877.995.5247

Legal Resources:

• Womenslaw.org: Information about restraining orders and other legal protections for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.
• The Laws in Your State: A database of state laws including mandatory reporting, confidentiality laws, HIV/AIDS testing of sexual offenders, termination of rapists' parental rights, and statutes of limitations for each state.
• Attorney Referral Line: Refers callers to attorneys in their geographic area who can represent them in their pursuit of civil claims and victim restitution. The referral line is not an anonymous service. Their website also gives information about civil lawsuits. Phone: 202.467.8716
• Take Back The Night Foundation: Legal support for survivors in every state. Referrals to counseling, support, legal aid, hospitals, and nearest TBTN Event Holders. Hotline: 866.966.9013
• It Happened to Alexa Foundation: The 'It Happened to Alexa Foundation’ supports rape survivors through the trauma of the criminal trial, in the hopes that more survivors will go through with the prosecution in order to put these perpetrators behind bars.
• U.S. Department of Justice, Civil Rights Division: Call or email to report sexual harassment in housing. 844.380.6178 or fairhousing@usdoj.gov.

Medical/Physical Health:

• Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE): The SANE/SART program offers sensitive, caring, and supportive care following a sexual assault. Their website provides a list of Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) programs in each state. These specialists are registered nurses, who have advanced education in forensic examination of sexual assault victims.
• Healthcare Center Directory: The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services maintains a Healthcare Center Directory. This directory lists federally funded health centers that provide a variety of services even if the recipient does not have health insurance. Users pay a co-payment based on their income. These health centers generally provide primary care services. Phone: 877.464.4772
• The Center For Disease Control National Prevention Information Network (AIDS/HIV, STI Information): U.S. reference, referral, and distribution service for information on HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Hotline: 800.458.5231
• International Association of Forensic Nurses: An international membership organization comprised of forensic nurses working around the world and other professionals who support and complement the work of forensic nursing.
• Start Your Recovery: Substance abuse information that relates to a survivors's experience with seuxal assault.

Mental Health:

• Sidran Traumatic Stress Foundation: The Sidran Institute provides information on traumatic stress (including PTSD), dissociative disorders, and co-occurring issues such as addictions, self-injury, and suicidal behaviors.
• GoodTherapy.org: GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries worldwide who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
• Psychology Today: Find detailed professional listings for treatment centers in the United States and Canada.
• National Eating Disorder Helpline: Information, crisis and referral hotline for people dealing with eating disorders. Helpline: 800.931.2237
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Provides information and referral services, not counseling. Helpline: 888.950.NAMI (6264)
• Hope Exists After Rape Trauma: The mission of Hope Exists After Rape Trauma (H-E-A-R-T) is to provide HOPE for victims of sexual assault through the provision of essential and therapeutic support, by affecting positive change in laws influencing their lives, and by educating both the public and professionals commissioned to serve victims.

resource list via RAINN https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones

 

[englad]

Yes, I was assaulted during a cruising meeting and it affected me profoundly. I was very lucky to have this forum, where I was met with overwelming support and advice. It was here people also pointed out to me that I was downplaying the whole event, that it was indeed rape and not just assault. I told four friends in real life and though they were supportive, they also clearly didn’t know how to help me. I had 6 weeks of therapy (every other day two hour sessions) and that really helped to come to terms with what happened, especially the guilt I felt.

I’ve bumped into my attacker three times after that and the last time I was able to remain calm and brush it off. I stopped cruising, stopped online dating and my relationship came to an end after the attack. And although I’m quite happy at the moment and have a healthy sex life, I feel I’m nowhere near the person I was before. Meeting new people has become off limits in my mind.

I’m very sorry it happened to you and I can only advise to get some professional help. It really helped me deal with the whole situation.

I'm very sorry it happened to you too. I'm glad the therapy was a positive experience. Thank you for opening up about this. It is so much easier to talk about with some back up. Thank you for sharing your story, I believe you, respect you and admire your courage. I hope one day you will be even stronger than you were before that happened to you. Have you tried reaching out to other survivors in your area?

I personally shared an office with mine for 6 months, where I had internalised a dvision of sober him versus drunk him. I saw him a handful of times in sober settings after that, and once within a huge crowd of people at a party. I then bumped into him at a party over a year and a half after he left the company. I was hitting on someone else, he interrupted us, made a highly inappropriate comment about my body (presumably thinking that would leave a positive impression on the other guy), and at that point I saw the same leary eyes I had seen on the night of the attack, which made me relive that event for a moment. I left immediately, picking something up briefly a couple days later, and never saw him again (and thank goodness). Now I am still nervous about going to expat events in the city to expand my social circles here, I know he is likely to still frequent some of those events, so I still can't go on my own. I've asked a fellow sexual violence survivor (a female friend) to accompany me, so I'll probably go for the first time in years shortly. I also personally feel the need to be more visible about being a survivor, though obviously I won't tell everyone.

I will take that advice on board, ideally I would rather just find a survivor's network (if at all possible a specific group, perhaps catering to LGBT survivors). I've got into the weeds of the assault (explaining the before, during and after), with a few friends now, and also online. Each time I do it is quite gruelling but I feel slightly more relieved once it's done. I'm already starting to blame myself less and less, but it sometimes is a challenge to process everything, but I think that gets easier with each friend I open up to. I've also already made new friends by speaking about this (one of which is a survivor as well), I know deep down I can overcome this (even if I won't be the same as I was before, but at least I will be more aware than I was before). The problem with finding a survivor's network specifically is although there is a high LGBT population here, any time I type in necessary German code words key words specifically, is it just links back to news stories of the new year's eve attacks 2 years ago, rather than specific survivor groups (because I live in Cologne). If I seek professional help, it will probably be through skype and hopefully in English. I speak German fluently, but it's just one of those things I would rather do in my mother tongue. I've already been provided with one tip.

I went full circle, starting with internalising it as heavy sexual harrassment, then later to sexual assault, and now I know one of the acts (and the very first one) qualifies as rape under German law. The latter revelation was initially a big shock to the system.

What is even more sickening is when the abuser claims innocence arguing that the victim provoked him or her, trying to make the victim feel guilty and ashamed.

This happened to me unfortunately, the attacker claimed I "tried to fuck him" in an argument, and of course he sent me a text calling me a tease in the immediate aftermath.

 

[hypolimnas]

I think something to consider is the value of writing down an account of your trauma. There is some research indicating that this gives you a distance and perspective on some thing raw and painfull. Talking can mean retraumatising - and talk therapy can have an important place but an often limited role in recovery. I hope posters here find it beneficial to write about their experiences so they can move on even if small steps at first.

 

[1069369]

A gay friend once told me he was molested by a group of ladyboys in Thailand. He was walking home one night and they surrounded him, like 6 of them and demanded to see his cock. When he refused, they grabbed and stripped him naked, then pinned him to the ground and took turns pulling his cock. He said they were really strong and he was totally overpowered. Was very humiliating for him.

 

[XL_Lingam]

My apologies, by the way, for the U.S.-centric nature of the resource list I posted. I didn't have the inner resolve to go through and compile a more international list. I certainly do hope that everyone, no matter the locale, will be able to find support and help, if necessary.

 

[englad]

My apologies, by the way, for the U.S.-centric nature of the resource list I posted. I didn't have the inner resolve to go through and compile a more international list. I certainly do hope that everyone, no matter the locale, will be able to find support and help, if necessary.

Don't apologise for that, it was a very comprehensive list with a lot of very valuabe resources on it. I can add to it though with a few specific European organisations.

More male specific:

https://www.tauwetter.de/de/ Germany
https://www.survivorsuk.org
https://www.staybrave.org.uk/ This one was originally set up because the founder was turned away by a national hotline saying men can only be perpetrators of sexual violence, not victims of it. Which is very tragic.
http://survivorswestyorkshire.org.uk

General:

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

https://www.rcne.com/about-sexual-violence/ This one has great links to other websites too.

 

[shard38]

I didn’t go to a special counselor. My physician was very helpful and said: “Whatever the course, this is PTSS.” So he referred me to a PTSS-counselor. Then again I had the luxury of being able to go there three times a week.

 

[englad]

I think something to consider is the value of writing down an account of your trauma. There is some research indicating that this gives you a distance and perspective on some thing raw and painfull. Talking can mean retraumatising - and talk therapy can have an important place but an often limited role in recovery. I hope posters here find it beneficial to write about their experiences so they can move on even if small steps at first.

My personal hope is the larger the thread gets, the easier it will be for others to come forward. I think it will be like a snowball effect.

 

[Billy Williams]

It happened to me my sophmore year of college. One of my professors offered me free drinks which was a no brained for a college kid. Next thing I knew I was face down in bed with him on top of me. I told him no but he would not stop until he finished inside me. He thought I was still passed out when he called one of his fellow profs to brag about his conquest.

 

[englad]

So update on my own case. I have started to come to terms with it a lot more. Opened up to a few more people. I spent some time in hospital recently, and that bizarrely took my mind off the event for a while. The hospital visit was due to a throat abscess. I was sitting bolt upright during the first couple nights. But it took me away from the internet for long enough to evaluate things.

 

[erpap]

It happened to me my sophmore year of college. One of my professors offered me free drinks which was a no brained for a college kid. Next thing I knew I was face down in bed with him on top of me. I told him no but he would not stop until he finished inside me. He thought I was still passed out when he called one of his fellow profs to brag about his conquest.

Wow. Sorry! Every time I saw that prof I would have yelled out rapist!

 

[Brian S]

I was raped once by someone I considered a friend. I was young and he was older though still in HS. It took me many years to realize he had been conditioning me by slowly introducing new concepts and sexual things to do to him. It started off small, then slowly grew until he wanted to have sex with me. When I declined, he fucked me anyway. I saw him only a handful of times after that, as his family moved away. I never said anything about it for many years. I didn't even realize something was wrong until I was into puberty and had a better sexual understanding. It didn't even cross my mind to tell anyone, because I was ashamed and couldn't have told anyone that I had been doing other things with him for some time. I never ever told my parents, and I've only told a handful of close friends and boyfriends, and only after becoming an adult.

 

[shard38]

Sorry you had to go through that. Do you think your attacker had any remorse afterwards or just saw you as his toy? If he was still in high school I can imagine in his mind he was just experimenting. Certainly doesn’t make it right though.

 

[ramsgate18]

since we are all sharing our tales in safe digital space i shall share my own, sadly being naïve i have had a few close calls but this was the closest

it was 7 years ago, i was 19, i met and chatted to this guy on a gay dating site, he picked me up we went to his we chatted, i didn't feel that spark infact he gave off a down right creepy vibe, kept insisting on going to his kitchen alone to make me a drink and getting very annoyed when i insisted on following him to the kitchen

so as we are sat there talking he places his hand on my knee, i politely say that its late and i really had better get home

he places his hand higher i try to pry it off my leg anf repeat its been a pleasant evening now take me home

that's when it happened, he lunged at me pinning me to his couch slobbering all over me ripping my shirt open talking about how I'm clearly into, i manage to get a knee between his legs and bring it to my chest sharply, he gets off in pain, i flee his apartment and call a friend, she kindly picks me up, I'm sat numbly on a bench in a ripped and tatty t shirt, bruised with a fat lip

my friend asks what happened i say nothing, she drives me to the nearest police station and explain the situation

they go to him and get his side of the story

they then return to me and refuse to press charges as we met through a gay hook up site and my profile stated i was into rough sex and bdsm..... so i by passed mad and went straight to livid

i said to the police man who dealt with me "if i were a young girl in a torn dress he wouldn't even have been questioned, hed be in jail!"

my friend drove me home

that day to this i tell my story as often as i can to as many guys as i can to help end the stigma surrounding the subject, it does happen to anyone