I knew my attacker was bi, I met him through a dating app. It was certainly a matter of power in his case, he got violent when the sex wasn’t entirely to his liking. Also got to know the double standard. When I told my story here most people were very supportive. But I also got a couple of replies telling me it was entirely my own fault for going after casual sex with s stranger. And of course there was the one homophobe (not on this site) who told me it was the rightful punishment for being a sinner and that he’d volunteer to come over and finish the job... I think the victim blaming hit me harder than the threat.
I think power is the most common one, I don't think it is about sex. Because in your case if it had have been about sex, he would not have got violent and he would have respected your wishes.
Victim blaming is very potent. How has this affected your relationships since? I've found I sometimes have drifted between cold and distant to extremely clingy, both of which were defence mechanisms based on an inability to trust others. It is disgusting that anyone blamed you for it, it is only ever the perpetrator's fault.
In certain respects, I feel lucky for my situation because it was in public on a night out, the guy was known as a pathological liar (lying about everything from his age, to his reasons for emigrating to the fact that he left his wife and 5 children at home). I also luckily didn't get an erection or orgasm, I'm glad none of those things happened. I didn't provide any prior consent at any stage and I didn't meet him through a dating app. I think in those respects it has been easier to remove the guilt from my own side. I'm also lucky that the fight response kicked in and I physically pushed him off at each of the dozen or so acts in a frantic 10 minute long sexual assault, I'm lucky I didn't freeze. But it is tough that many people don't understand the gravity of what happened that night, or how that has affected me since. Of course had any of those things happened, it still would have been entirely his fault, it is never the victim's fault. I did however originally blame myself for silly things though, like not trusting my gut instinct that told me the guy was a creep, I did not believe for a split second I could be a target. I always had my guard up against creepy men in gay clubs, but I didn't in his case. I don't think it is my fault for being trusting or naive. I almost blamed myself as well for going for a piss down an alleyway to try and get away from him. I know that wasn't my fault either and it was silly to blame myself, I'd had a few drinks and it wasn't an invitation for him to grope me.
It was definitely about power as well in my case, he tried to take advantage.
I never even thought about reporting to tell the truth. I speak German fluently but the level of bureaucracy in this country made the idea extremely daunting for me. There was only one witness to the last act of the assault which happened in a bar, but because that was indecent exposure I have no idea if the bar man saw it, and I was in too much shock to contemplate getting the bar man's name. I have no idea who he was,some pretty young blonde guy, which would describe at least half the bar man in gay bars in Germany. I also don't have the phone with a text from him calling me a tease in the immediate aftermath whilst I was still crying in a foetal ball on my bed (that's another reason why I see the attack as homophobic). Plus of course I didn't even know the vocabulary in either German or English to describe what happened. There was also the issue of different legal definitions in England/Scotland and Germany. Under German law the first act of the assault qualifies as rape (it is colloquially often known as digital rape), but in English law that would be called assault by penetration, which often carries the same penalty as rape. Because of this difference, I clung to the defence mechanism of saying "at least it wasn't a rape", so when I read the federal legal codes in Germany (and that is where the assault happened) I found out that I was wrong and it does qualify as rape under German federal law. That revelation happened about 2.5 weeks ago, it frankly hit me like a train in the face. That being the first act of the assault certainly did add a considerable extra layer of trauma to the event. I also still reel from hapnophobia because of that, I've not let consenting partners finger me since. And that that was the first act shows to me that it was about power.
The "friends" I have lost purely focussed on words I had said in a highly distressed state after receiving no empathy, without realising how fucked up it is to tell a sexual violence survivor they're being selfish. I am glad they're out of my life, it feels liberating, I don't have any time for fair weather "friends" in my life. It certainly has been the reactions that have hurt the most.
