Marriage and open relationships?? advice

B_Hung Jon

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it's all looking rather bigoted in here.


Dolfette, I'd agree with you that I feel bigoted sometimes about the intense pressure imposed on me personally about getting married. So I'm somewhat defensive about it. I have other friends who feel the same way. We are definitely in the minority. I don't think it's always been this way. Every time I turn around society pressures all of us to "tie the knot". Family values are shoved down our throats...constant images of happy couples and babies in the media 24/7. I mean, even gay people want to get married and have kids. It feels uncomfortable to me to have this imposed on me in every aspect of my life.
 
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deleted356736

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What's the point in being married?

There's a difference between love, and the need to possess someone as if they were a chattel. Not only that, you can love someone and love someone else, and the love is additive. It's not either / or, it's both at the same time.

Beyond the Abrahamic religions, you know the ones, the normal state of marriage in most cultures is non-monogamous. I don't think we're truly programmed to be with one sexual partner for life, and I can attest that the relief of sexual tension by having sex with someone else is incredible. The strangest of all is the next time you have sex with your wife, and that is much more satisfying as well. I think my experiences are common.
 

dolfette

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i was talking more about the attitude to open marriage.

it's not something i'd choose but that doesn't make it a less valid relationship choice than any other.
there are couples whose open marriages last 60 years and there are couples whose monogamous marriages fall apart after less than one.
it's not really our place to judge how consenting adults choose to be.

and the marriage thing, whilst utter bullshit in my opinion, means a hell of a lot to some people. and it instantly makes you next of kin, you have more rights if one gets ill, leaves or dies, etc.

as long as both parties are agreeing on the rules!

the guy asked about open marriage in terms of the couple disagreeing. he didn't ask people to come in and poopoo his vows.

and, imo, the person with the urges just has to live without or leave. otherwise the marriage won't survive.
 

B_quietguy

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A loving and 100% monogamous, happy and faithful marriage

Is greater than

An "open marriage"

Not to me. Monogamy does not work for everyone. Many people have tried monogamy, then felt much happier in an open marriage. So telling them they'd be happy in a 100% monogamous marriage is like telling a lesbian that she'd be happy in a straight marriage.
 

dolfette

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Not to me. Monogamy does not work for everyone. Many people have tried monogamy, then felt much happier in an open marriage. So telling them they'd be happy in a 100% monogamous marriage is like telling a lesbian that she'd be happy in a straight marriage.
the alternatives are this...

a, people who can't do monogamy die alone.

b, people who can't do monogamy fake it and cheat.

c, people who can't do monogamy hook up with other people who can't do monogamy, or people who just like to watch, and live happily ever after.

...it's a really trick one, isn't it?
 

B_quietguy

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the alternatives are this...

a, people who can't do monogamy die alone.

b, people who can't do monogamy fake it and cheat.

c, people who can't do monogamy hook up with other people who can't do monogamy, or people who just like to watch, and live happily ever after.

...it's a really trick one, isn't it?

Right. The alternatives are unpleasant for everyone. So that's why I only start relationships with others that also want open relationships. I'd never get involved with somebody who wanted a closed or monogamous relationship no matter how compatible we were otherwise.
 

Incocknito

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I'm not religious in the slightest. Nor am I in any way pro marriage.

I was just pointing out the absurdity of a "marriage" where the husband and wife are having sex with other people. It is in many ways the opposite of a marriage.

It's like sanctified swinging. Just nonsensical to me.

My point was: marriage in many ways is redundant and entirely unnecessary. But an "open" marriage is even moreso.

What exactly is the point? Surely an open relationship can be achieved without involving both people's families, a church, a vicar and an expensive honeymoon?

Maybe some people get married and then realise they're not really a good couple. Perhaps they both want to see other people but don't want to get divorced.

Surely if that's the case and these people knew each other well enough to get married, they should have known each other well enough to know they're not compatible?

Therefore why get married in the first place. Why have an open relationship.
 

dolfette

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I'm not religious in the slightest. Nor am I in any way pro marriage.

I was just pointing out the absurdity of a "marriage" where the husband and wife are having sex with other people. It is in many ways the opposite of a marriage.

It's like sanctified swinging. Just nonsensical to me.

My point was: marriage in many ways is redundant and entirely unnecessary. But an "open" marriage is even moreso.

What exactly is the point? Surely an open relationship can be achieved without involving both people's families, a church, a vicar and an expensive honeymoon?

Maybe some people get married and then realise they're not really a good couple. Perhaps they both want to see other people but don't want to get divorced.

Surely if that's the case and these people knew each other well enough to get married, they should have known each other well enough to know they're not compatible?

Therefore why get married in the first place. Why have an open relationship.
does it occur to you that two people who don't want monogamy ARE compatible? compatibility doesn't mean never wanting or needing anyone else, whether for friendship, sex or support. for some people no one person will ever be enough to fulfil them sexually, no matter how in love they are. some people just need variety.

and married couples are still given rights in law which are not given to, or can be contested in, unmarried couples.

AND marriage is to many just a public declaration of love and an intent to stay together forever.

why would casual sex with other people make a difference if both people were happy with that?

you're very biased towards the christian ideal when it comes to relationships.
 

halfcocked

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my wife and i have a "don't ask, don't tell" marriage. neither of us has ever been monogamous. i have a very little dick (3.5 inches and thin) and can't satisfy her or any other woman. she loves what she refers to as "big, ugly cocks", and so do i. i have always been fascinated by other men's larger dicks,and i've been sucking cock since i was a boy, but i have always been attracted to women and female bodies as well. i would like to discuss our sexual experiences with other people, but she isn't into that. in a way, it's more exciting! i've become a pretty good sleuth, and can figure out who she's fucking at present, and who she's fucked in the past just from little comments or remarks that she makes, and other "tells" or clues. occasionally, she's come home late from work, a little ruffled with her hair slightly messed up and beaming! she is so obviously fresh fucked and walking on air that i get an instant little boner! according to my calculations over the past few months, she's been fucking a young black man with a big cock who knows how to use it. she was also fucking our young tax guy, who has extremely long fingers, and i assume has a long, hopefully ugly, cock, too ! she has his number on her cell, and said about him recently that "he thinks he's god's gift to women!", and that he is "so ugly!". he's not a bad looking guy, so i assume she's referring to his big, ugly cock. i love the fact that she fucks other men, and think of their big dicks in her pussy every time i go down on her, which is the only way i can satisfy her, and is as close as i'll get to sucking her boyfriends' cocks. i've always been a bottom, so i guess it's normal for me to end up in the role of my wife's "little bitch". the relationship works for us. i guess that's all that matters.
 

D_Gregg_Ghorian

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Does it just boil down simply to not being satisfied? If the feelings aren't mutual about the openness, then the other partner is going to feel like they aren't satisfying their partner? Am i wrong? Then, how the hell do you convince them otherwise? Being in a marriage and discussing these topics is very challenging mentally. The honesty and openness is important obviously. but if there is no other route to "satisfying" these urges without having sex with other people how can the relationship last....happily...
We all know it's human to have urges, attraction to other people. Acting on them without thinking about the consequences is then plain selfishness. Honestly my wife and I are different in our opinions about sex. Sex is sex to her. But I'm not willing to risk the idea of having sex with another woman and then she realizes it means a little bit more...because I'm her husband and I'm fucking another woman...
"Now are you still okay with that?"
 

dolfette

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no, i don't think it's that the sex isn't good or satisfying.
but there's a certain feeling you get from a new lover, a body you've never explored, a style you've never experienced. some people need that regularly and some people don't need it at all.