Marriage and open relationships?? advice

[iluvbigheads]

Reading into this type of question makes me think...well he's got a profile on a site like this. I bet you he is the one who came up with the open relationship idea. I agree they work for some, others not. But it's usually the man who wants it - I've never met a girl (and be real here) who thinks, if she's happy on all fronts at home, will ever have a desire to be open...I think this is difference between men, women and bottom men. ha. So, if your married especially with children, my advice is go be a good husband and father and leave open relationships alone.

 

[B_Hung Jon]

Does it just boil down simply to not being satisfied? If the feelings aren't mutual about the openness, then the other partner is going to feel like they aren't satisfying their partner? Am i wrong? Then, how the hell do you convince them otherwise? Being in a marriage and discussing these topics is very challenging mentally. The honesty and openness is important obviously. but if there is no other route to "satisfying" these urges without having sex with other people how can the relationship last....happily...
We all know it's human to have urges, attraction to other people. Acting on them without thinking about the consequences is then plain selfishness. Honestly my wife and I are different in our opinions about sex. Sex is sex to her. But I'm not willing to risk the idea of having sex with another woman and then she realizes it means a little bit more...because I'm her husband and I'm fucking another woman...
"Now are you still okay with that?"

I think you've answered your own question, but at the same time it comes with all these qualifiers. If you and your wife have good communication then wouldn't it be possible to talk about the urges without the other person feeling unloved or unhappy? I'm thinking that just by bringing up the desire to have sex with other people, it may seem like a threat to the relationship immediately if there isn't some basic trust already there. Maybe I'm just naive but wouldn't it be better to share these intimate feelings with your wife? Would she think less of you as a person? It seems to me that many women are aware of how males are constructed in terms of sexual urges, and that by being "faithful" sexually doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot. I'm also thinking that if your roles were reversed and your wife wanted to have sex with other guys, how would you feel about it? Would it freak you out? Make you feel uncomfortable? Maybe putting yourself in her shoes might help you out. It has for me, in that I'm totally honest with my g/f about being attracted to other people. So far she does the same thing.

I hope you can figure this all out for yourself. Take care.
:biggrin1:

 

[Incocknito]

does it occur to you that two people who don't want monogamy ARE compatible? compatibility doesn't mean never wanting or needing anyone else, whether for friendship, sex or support. for some people no one person will ever be enough to fulfil them sexually, no matter how in love they are. some people just need variety.

and married couples are still given rights in law which are not given to, or can be contested in, unmarried couples.

AND marriage is to many just a public declaration of love and an intent to stay together forever.

why would casual sex with other people make a difference if both people were happy with that?

you're very biased towards the christian ideal when it comes to relationships.

Does it ever occur to you to use capital letters?

My point was that by virtue of the act, people in open relationships are going to other people for something they are not getting with someone else.

Seems a bit...lacking, don't you agree?

Do you not think it would be better / possible for someone to have their every need met by one person?

Better in terms of personal fulfillment. Safer in terms of sexual health.

 

[D_Gregg_Ghorian]

Reading into this type of question makes me think...well he's got a profile on a site like this. I bet you he is the one who came up with the open relationship idea. I agree they work for some, others not. But it's usually the man who wants it - I've never met a girl (and be real here) who thinks, if she's happy on all fronts at home, will ever have a desire to be open...I think this is difference between men, women and bottom men. ha. So, if your married especially with children, my advice is go be a good husband and father and leave open relationships alone.

Unfortunetly I'm going to prove you wrong here lol. My wife brought this topic up.

 

[D_Gregg_Ghorian]

The wife brought up the conversation about openness and urges. Just to clarify.

I think you've answered your own question, but at the same time it comes with all these qualifiers. If you and your wife have good communication then wouldn't it be possible to talk about the urges without the other person feeling unloved or unhappy? I'm thinking that just by bringing up the desire to have sex with other people, it may seem like a threat to the relationship immediately if there isn't some basic trust already there. Maybe I'm just naive but wouldn't it be better to share these intimate feelings with your wife? Would she think less of you as a person? It seems to me that many women are aware of how males are constructed in terms of sexual urges, and that by being "faithful" sexually doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot. I'm also thinking that if your roles were reversed and your wife wanted to have sex with other guys, how would you feel about it? Would it freak you out? Make you feel uncomfortable? Maybe putting yourself in her shoes might help you out. It has for me, in that I'm totally honest with my g/f about being attracted to other people. So far she does the same thing.

I hope you can figure this all out for yourself. Take care.
:biggrin1:

 

[dolfette]

Reading into this type of question makes me think...well he's got a profile on a site like this. I bet you he is the one who came up with the open relationship idea. I agree they work for some, others not. But it's usually the man who wants it - I've never met a girl (and be real here) who thinks, if she's happy on all fronts at home, will ever have a desire to be open...I think this is difference between men, women and bottom men. ha. So, if your married especially with children, my advice is go be a good husband and father and leave open relationships alone.

that's pretty close to the truth, except that there ARE women who are into the idea every bit as much as men.

Does it ever occur to you to use capital letters?

My point was that by virtue of the act, people in open relationships are going to other people for something they are not getting with someone else.

Seems a bit...lacking, don't you agree?

Do you not think it would be better / possible for someone to have their every need met by one person?

Better in terms of personal fulfilment. Safer in terms of sexual health.

the bit i highlighted in red: yes, for most people that's true. but not for everyone. and those people can't just decide to be satisfied by monogamy any more than gay guys can decide to be satisfied by straight sex.

you might be satisfied by mr/miss right but that doesn't make it a universal truth, one size fits all.

sexuality comes in many shapes and sizes.

it's only better in terms of personal fulfilment if measured by your standards. and sexual health? well they can take precautions, get tested regularly and make the same informed consent as anyone else does.

 

[B_Hung Jon]

The wife brought up the conversation about openness and urges. Just to clarify.

I see, then is she interested in expanding her sexual experiences with others as well as you? Just wondering.

I think seeing your g/f or wife fucked by another guy can be erotic and exciting for both partners. I've been in a three-some with my best male friend and my g/f and it was really an amazing and beautiful thing, but I have to say at the same time, I trust him completely not to hurt me or my g/f. We did it a couple of times and while it was very erotic for me (actually for all of us) the discomfort seemed to be mostly emotional. My g/f began having some feelings for my best friend and it confused her somewhat. I think some of us have a hard time separating our feelings from sex, while others don't find it difficult at all. My best buddy felt uncomfortable too because he was afraid he would get too involved with her as well. I guess I was the only one who didn't feel weird by it all. Actually I love these two people more than any others, and being close to them that intimately was a very high experience for me. :biggrin1:

 

[helgaleena]

I feel like that's the ultimate question.

The point in being married is family life. Once you have children they are why there is family. It is meant for their benefit.

However you structure your life once children are there has nothing to do with who you are having sex with. It does matter where they go to school and have their own bedroom.

 

[helgaleena]

does it occur to you that two people who don't want monogamy ARE compatible? compatibility doesn't mean never wanting or needing anyone else, whether for friendship, sex or support. for some people no one person will ever be enough to fulfil them sexually, no matter how in love they are. some people just need variety.

and married couples are still given rights in law which are not given to, or can be contested in, unmarried couples.

AND marriage is to many just a public declaration of love and an intent to stay together forever.

why would casual sex with other people make a difference if both people were happy with that?

you're very biased towards the christian ideal when it comes to relationships.

Dolfette is right on again yes!

 

[HazelGod]

I don't think we're truly programmed to be with one sexual partner for life, and I can attest that the relief of sexual tension by having sex with someone else is incredible. The strangest of all is the next time you have sex with your wife, and that is much more satisfying as well.

i don't think it's that the sex isn't good or satisfying.
but there's a certain feeling you get from a new lover, a body you've never explored, a style you've never experienced. some people need that regularly and some people don't need it at all.

Best answers I've yet seen on the matter.

 

[dr_pepper]

I agree with Cockneedy, that for an open marriage to work, the husband must enjoy knowing that other men are fucking his wife, and not just tolerating it. Most of us husbands who have shared our wives' naked bodies with other men are terrifically turned-on by the experience. We are not jealous or hurt, or embarrassed or humiliated! We do not suffer in any way.

We LOVE knowing that other men are fucking our wives. We love to get our wives to tell about the experience. We love for other people to know that other men are fucking our wives. And, we love to talk with the men who are fucking our wives, or who have fucked them in the past.

I promise you that the most exciting phrase we can imagine hearing from another man is "I fucked your wife!"

Right On!! I am 100% with you on this. I can not think of anything sexier than knowing that your wife is fucking someone else. Especially if he knows that you know and are all for it.

I had the ex of a girl friend tell me that he was still fucking her and I told him that I knew and thought that was great. He was trying to get my goat, and this blew his mind.

 

[dr_pepper]

no, i don't think it's that the sex isn't good or satisfying.
but there's a certain feeling you get from a new lover, a body you've never explored, a style you've never experienced. some people need that regularly and some people don't need it at all.

Great way to put it.

I like to get to know different people, and if I can get to know the interesting ones more intimately that makes it even better. I have an ex who loves experience how a guy (or woman) is going to be having sex with her.