marriage is in trouble due to bad sex

[penisuer]

I am pretty new here and not sure if this is the place to pour my guts out, but why not? Its the internet, anything goes.

Here is the jist of it. I love my husband very much who is 15 years my senior, 48. We get along great, hes sweet, hes caring, a great dad to our baby, however, our sex life is so bad it is getting to the point I want to cheat, and even leave him at times. I come here to look at other guys because he just does not do it for me.

In my past, I NEVER, I mean NEVER had trouble satisfying a man. I was told how great I was many times and how I gave the best head too. I have tried EVERYTHING with him. He just is not very sexual. I have read books on how to satisfy him and he lays there like a slug. The only thing that really seems to stand out is when I give him head but when I have sex with him, it barely lasts and the only working postion is me on top which I get so sick of. Maybe its his weight that effects it?

We have used viagra and while it does help , I hate how old-fashioned he is in the sack. I always ask him what he likes best and I always hear 'everything you do is good my love.' I want him to talk dirty he never does. I have tried sexy panties and he only says 'underwear is just underwear'.
I was really in the mood tonight and he lasted I think less than a minute before he lost his hard on. Our insurance no longer covers viagra and we can't afford to pay it out of pocket.

I love him with all my heart, its just that I am a very sexual person and I have needs that need to be met and I can't see the rest of my life this way.

Any suggestions?

 

[christina]

im assuming that at some point he was sexual otherwise why would u have married him? well besides being a good guy i mean thats great dont get me wrong but if he sucked before then what are you compaining about? and if he was sexual at some point damn sorry to hear that he sucks now!

Have you mentioned like counceling or anything? ummmmm would he be open to a open marrage? sorry to ask that but its better than a divorce? i know i might sound crazy but its worth a shot what else do you have to lose? more bad sex?

well hun i hope someone else has some better advise than myself. good luck!

 

[HazelGod]

I'm going to take you at your word and throw out serious advice:

Talk to a marriage counselor or couples' therapist, one who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Make the appointment yourself.

This leaves him with two options...he either confronts the problems head-on like a rational adult and agrees to this course of treatment, or he refuses and lands the ball back in your court.

It sounds like you're still very keen on him aside from the lack of sex, so I hope he chooses what's behind Door #1. Otherwise, you're left with a choice of your own. You can either suffer a sexless existence and let the resentment fester until it poisons all your other feelings for him...or you can leave him...or you can take a lover, with or without his knowledge.

Marriage is a set of compromises and promises. You promised to be faithful to your spouse, and he promised to take care of your needs as a sexual being. It's not fair to hold someone to a promise not to fuck other people if you're unwilling to fuck them yourself. So, either he gets with the program, or he lets you get your jollies elsewhere, or you bail.

 

[hung15us]

Something is bugging him and he is pissed off with you for something and he doesn't want to talk about it yet. keep pushing him and nagging and you will drive a wedge between you both. Go to Dr laura and get the book called feeding the marriage. It is something like that. The same thing happened to me and my wife and she keeped driving the wedge between us and then spent the last 3 years of our marriage with a divorced woman and now we are divorced. You can reach me at golf15@gmail.com. You pushing for sex will not solve the problem it will only push him futher away

 

[hung15us]

Sex is not the problem. It's something else.

 

[Gillette]

Good advice, HG, but she mentions not being able to afford Viagra. A therapist might be out of their price range as well.

My first thought would also have been a therapist but failing that...

penisuer, you mention asking him what he likes. Have you tried telling him outright what you want him to do sexually? He sounds apathetic but not outright averse to sex so perhaps he might respond to your making specific demands on him.

If you can get him hard to begin with a cock ring or similar device might help to keep him hard longer by slowing the outflow of blood from his erection. One time cash output for the next best thing to a viagra induced erection.

I wish you the best of luck with your situation.

 

[hung15us]

Dr. Laura

Book is The proper care and feeding of the marriage.

You can get it at any book store. Read it through and the put to practice what she says and then you will not have any problems with sex

 

[Principessa]

Something is bugging him and he is pissed off with you for something and he doesn't want to talk about it yet. keep pushing him and nagging and you will drive a wedge between you both. Go to Dr laura and get the book called feeding the marriage. It is something like that. The same thing happened to me and my wife and she keeped driving the wedge between us and then spent the last 3 years of our marriage with a divorced woman and now we are divorced. You can reach me at golf15@gmail.com. You pushing for sex will not solve the problem it will only push him futher away

Did I miss something? If you had a problem with your wife why the fuck didn't you talk to her? Answer her questions. Was she supposed to read your mind? So asking what's wrong, what can I do to make our sex life better, is the same as driving a wedge between a couple? Ricky, you got some splainin' to do.

 

[hung15us]

First he has to get it hard and something is causing it not to get hard and he is not in the mood. Cock rings and sexual theropy won't help now. Why is he pissed at her and for what. She should not nag now and reverse her approach. Direct questions won't work now. He just will reciede futher in that hole he is in.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

It's insulting to a woman to be rejected sexually. We get told our whole lives about how men think about sex every 7 nanoseconds and how thats all they want from us. Telling her to stop asking for sex is ridiculous. I practically beat my husband over the head with a baseball bat and drag him back to the cave. Aint no way I'm being told NO to sex. Unless you have the bird flu or leprosy.

 

[HazelGod]

To the OP:

Another thought that crossed my mind is that you might want to make an appointment for him with an endocrinologist to have his hormone levels checked out.

Such an imbalance could explain a lot of the symptoms you're seeing in him, both physiological and psychological.

And if you're truly interested in preserving your marriage, stay away from anything published by "Dr." Laura or any of the other self-help quacks. Their books might make for interesting toilet reading and girl talk, but don't stake your relationship on anything they say.

 

[pronatalist]

In the marriage vows, we promise to marry our mate, for better or worse, sickness and in health, and until death do we part.

In a marriage, one could take sick, have a stroke or something, and depend upon the other for their care. Is that fair? Presumably so, for it goes both ways. You would also have the security of being taken care of.

So I imagine if one's disability is more limited, just not being able to have satisfactory sex, that would be less serious a problem?

I hear the typical range of sexual intercourse frequence among married couples, can vary very widely. From more than 7 times a week, to a few times a year, if that. There may be useful treatments or counseling, as sometimes it may be some sort of mental block, but I'm no expert on that.

Also, one other thing I will say. Women seem to prefer more foreplay and romance, candles or a dinner, "tell me you love me," or something? While men may like things simple and just "do it." Like that I don't understand the need for "sexy lingerae." See, I can't even spell it right. What for? To have sex, don't you just get naked?

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

How the frick are you supposed to have all those babies without getting an erection. That's a deal breaker. I'd kick his ass to the curb as soon as an egg drops.

 

[pronatalist]

Welcoming the prospect of a possibly large family, doesn't imply all families will grow large.​

How the frick are you supposed to have all those babies without getting an erection. That's a deal breaker. I'd kick his ass to the curb as soon as an egg drops.

Now why in the world would people have to be "trying" so hard, to get a baby? Because they messed their bodies all up, with the nasty experimental contraceptives?

It's not so much about having to have a large family, as merely allowing the prospect. It's not so much that I would necessarily want to "try" for a large family, but rather, I believe in "letting" it happen, as I don't believe in making effort or expense, to prevent the blessings of children. The "economics" simply don't work. Why would I "pay" to prevent something that probably would be "good" to allow instead? Just because a couple turns out to have infertility issues, doesn't necessarily imply they must go out and bed to adopt 10 children. I don't believe God meant for everybody to have "large" families, but that God did intend for a lot more people to have large families, than are currently having them, in these days of rampant contraceptive peddling.

If I got married, and my wife wasn't able to conceive, that wouldn't be a reason to leave her. Maybe that's how it was meant to be, for us? And that's one major reason why people seek to adopt children, that otherwise might be orphans or be left to be raised by irresponsible crack mothers or something.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Did you take that post seriously? I opened up the proverbial can of snakes.

Welcoming the prospect of a possibly large family, doesn't imply all families will grow large.​

Now why in the world would people have to be "trying" so hard, to get a baby? Because they messed their bodies all up, with the nasty experimental contraceptives?

It's not so much about having to have a large family, as merely allowing the prospect. It's not so much that I would necessarily want to "try" for a large family, but rather, I believe in "letting" it happen, as I don't believe in making effort or expense, to prevent the blessings of children. The "economics" simply don't work. Why would I "pay" to prevent something that probably would be "good" to allow instead? Just because a couple turns out to have infertility issues, doesn't necessarily imply they must go out and bed to adopt 10 children. I don't believe God meant for everybody to have "large" families, but that God did intend for a lot more people to have large families, than are currently having them, in these days of rampant contraceptive peddling.

If I got married, and my wife wasn't able to conceive, that wouldn't be a reason to leave her. Maybe that's how it was meant to be, for us? And that's one major reason why people seek to adopt children, that otherwise might be orphans or be left to be raised by irresponsible crack mothers or something.

 

[Gillette]

First he has to get it hard and something is causing it not to get hard and he is not in the mood. Cock rings and sexual theropy won't help now. Why is he pissed at her and for what. She should not nag now and reverse her approach. Direct questions won't work now. He just will reciede futher in that hole he is in.

He was receptive to taking the viagra to assist in producing the erections up to this point. What makes you think he is avoiding sex because of some deep seated resentment?

Just because it happened to you doesn't make it a universal experience.

 

[Drifterwood]

Women can lose their sex drives for several reasons, not least the menopause at a similar age to your husband.

He may well simply be losing his testosterone levels as HG pointed out. Add this to the fact that he is overweight and you may have your answer.

I also agree with Gillette, talk to him about your needs,but don't expect it to happen overnight. Get him down the gym or training and dieting, and yourself a bullet vibrator. Then get a cockring, hell a rubber band will do the trick. make sure he knows that you are a sexual person and that you want him to be a part of that when and how he is ready. But don't push the when.

 

[Ediph]

Two critical things you must do if you really wish it to work.

1. Neutral ground HONEST communication.
2. Get him to a doctor ASAP.

Prostate cancer is a real concern here (my Grandfather had ED, never went to the doctor and died from prostate cancer).

There are several other medical reasons (MANopause, Obesity, diabetes, enlarged prostate...) , emotional reasons (likes men now, lost the zing, self-conscious of himself...) and personal reasons (doesn't find you attractive...) that can cause ED or have signs of ED.

If he were mad at you, I would think there would be other signs.

Best of luck to both you.

 

[penisuer]

Thank you everyone for the suggestions.

I will try to explain it best I can. The viagra did help, but our insurance stopped covering it so its like 80 bux for a bottle we used to get.

He never was an overtly sexual person, we have had decent sex but I just assumed over time he would learn to be more sexual, what an idiot I am.

A little background on dh;
He married me when he was 46 two and a half years ago(his first marriage, my second), and we both wanted a baby together as he was not getting any younger. He was completely obsessed with the idea of being a daddy finally after all those years. We got pg 6 months after we married and our daugther was born 3/31/07. He was absolutley overjoyed with her but it seemed after she was born, she became his total focus in life. Isn't that supposed to be a womans thing? I mean I wanted to start screwing again two weeks after I had her.
We almost lost her when she was 7 months old, and now he immensly overprotective of her. She still shares our room. Any little noise she makes, he freaks, and if shes quiet, he freaks. I love our baby girl too but shes ok now and healthy and I want our marriage back! All he ever talks about is having babies, more and more and quite frankly, I want only one more! Hes like a woman, seems like his main focus is babymaking and I am a woman, not a baby factory.
It is so weird, it seems like I should have been the man and he should have been the woman.

Hes just one of those really mellow, everyones 'big brother' type. The big teddy bear, the cuddler.
Me I am very sexual, have always been. He 'rescued' me from a horribly abuse to the point of almost killing me, first husband and my kids from that marriage. I looked at him as a hero for so long.

We have periods of good (well as good as it can get with an old-fashioned pushing 50 Catholic man) and bad sex and right now we seem to be in one of those bad periods and it is killing me because I want it more and more! I am 33 and am peaking!

Hell, I do not want to cheat on him, he is a sweetheart and he is good to me and we have a wonderful marriage in every single other aspect but this is killing me!

Keep the suggestions coming!

 

[penisuer]

Oh, and he did go to a doc and doc says he needs to lose weight, that could be the prob. He has the dream but not the drive there.

Do all chubby men have low sex drives?