marriage is in trouble due to bad sex

[Tattooed Goddess]

I respond like for like. Calling your mate slug behind his or back is very despicable. If you want to call someone a slug tell them to their face.

Saying that every excuse would be made if the situation was reversed is utter bullshit. There are many men in similar situations and yes I know a number of them personally that would NEVER EVER cheat on their wives in spite of the fact that they weren't getting what they wanted in bed at home.

Honestly, i havent read all the posts in this thread because its exhausting. There's so much psychology involved here. I missed the slug comment. But there does seem to be a large group of people who would skip out on their spouse for sex elsewhere than try to solve the problems at home. I have no idea where this thread has regressed since i read some of the responses yesterday, i thought it was about not being able to afford viagra and now im reading about babies and slugs and whatnot.

 

[Drifterwood]

Penisuer. I made the catch comment, the veracity comment and the other ones.

You have had some very good advice on this thread.

My comments were a reaction to your tone of contempt for your husband even though he is by your own admission a great man in every other respect than sex. The guy puts out for you and your kid, I don't think he deserves your disrespect even on a forum and despite your understandable frustration. Add to this the fact tha he may have a medical condition as well as other issues. He needs your help not your contempt for his manhood. He saved yu from an abusive relationship and now that he needs your help, you abuse him.

I just wanted to make sure that you were being straight about the situation, hence veracity. So get yourself a bullet to take the edge off yourself and support your husband as he supported you. FWIW, I have sympathy for you, but get yourself a plan to deal with it now you have had your rant.

 

[penisuer]

Thanks again for all your suggestions.

JMeister, I am done arguing with you. I have made nothing up at all, I have no reason to! Chances are, I will not meet anyone from here so what have I got to lose? I am yet another nameless faceless person in cyberspace. What have I got to prove? I came on here and put myself out so I could get good advice. I gave it all up and threw it all out there so that the advice given could be accurate. Also to, I guess you have never said anything to or about anyone out of anger or frusturation that you did not mean?

Drifterwood, I have poured my heart out about the entire situation which I did not intend to in the first place, but felt that a little more of our life and situation should be brought up to give a better picture of everything as I do love the man and want to be fair to him. Thank you though, for your input. You seem like a smart person who has been through and seen alot. How old are you?

Everyone else, thanks for your suggestions I have taken all of them in and thought about it.

WELL, dh and I had a long, long talk last night about everything. He has expressed that he wants to lose weight and it is getting exhausting to perform his job (alot of physical labor) and seems that it will help our romantic life as well. He then said that he doesn't know what he would do if I left him as me and our baby are as it put it 'the best things in his life'. I was wrong in how I spoke of him, but it was all out of frusturation.

Again, thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post and give me your best advice...

 

[Symphonic]

I am pretty new here and not sure if this is the place to pour my guts out, but why not? Its the internet, anything goes.

Here is the jist of it. I love my husband very much who is 15 years my senior, 48. We get along great, hes sweet, hes caring, a great dad to our baby, however, our sex life is so bad it is getting to the point I want to cheat, and even leave him at times. I come here to look at other guys because he just does not do it for me.

No offense but it sounds like your hopelessness is self-directed...

In my past, I NEVER, I mean NEVER had trouble satisfying a man. I was told how great I was many times and how I gave the best head too.

Depends on who you're with; one technique doesn't always work on another. Also, it may not be you, though you aren't handling the situation well.

I have tried EVERYTHING with him. He just is not very sexual.

He's nearly 50; things like this can start slowing down a tad. Medical problems, hypertension for example, and low testosterone all play a part in andropause. The horny old man may be just becoming an old man; sex might feel great but it loses priority on the list of things to do. Unfortunately, he's 15 years your senior making you still "ready to go".

I have read books on how to satisfy him and he lays there like a slug. The only thing that really seems to stand out is when I give him head but when I have sex with him, it barely lasts and the only working postion is me on top which I get so sick of. Maybe its his weight that effects it?

A number of things could be in play and you won't enjoy sex if you're the one taking all the responsibility anyway; it may be partially your fault you don't like it for trying to play doctor and ( hopefully this isn't the case ) not communicating your frustrations.

We have used viagra and while it does help , I hate how old-fashioned he is in the sack. I always ask him what he likes best and I always hear 'everything you do is good my love.' I want him to talk dirty he never does. I have tried sexy panties and he only says 'underwear is just underwear'.

Question of the Day: Do you tell him these things? Also, are you going to impress upon him the activities of others; Randy may have said "Oh, I like to fuck a minx like you!" but if your current doesn't really swear or do that kind of thing you are stepping over the boundaries by attempting to derive from him that activity.

If he didn't use to do this then I don't see why he'd suddenly do it now; it's not only rude and derogetory in the minds of some people but it's uncalled for and unneccessary. Also, underwear is just underwear; he's a smart lad and I pity the rabble who thinks underwear holds some amazing sex property. If you know that's a no-go stop trying to go-there. Try something else, like, I don't know, sensual bathings, caressing, reading together, hell just talking; a lot of things are sexier than underwear and a ton more intimate.

I was really in the mood tonight and he lasted I think less than a minute before he lost his hard on. Our insurance no longer covers viagra and we can't afford to pay it out of pocket.

Have you ever considered the thought that he's not interested? Do you ask him? Sorry to say, but men are not workhorses solely to fill your vagina no matter what it wants; you being in the mood is the only legal requirement for copulation by penetration; the rest doesn't depend on you and he might be seeing it as a pointless activity / might be depressed / might have other medical problems / might just not be interested and let you hurry up and do what you need to while he lays back and dreams of London.

Yeah, it really happens, guys can not be interested in what you want at the moment and do it out of pity or fear of making you unsatisfied. Apparently he might be digging his own hole.

I love him with all my heart, its just that I am a very sexual person and I have needs that need to be met and I can't see the rest of my life this way.

Any suggestions?

Get another partner if you want; discuss the idea and don't go with the "He'd shoot it down right away!" idea; just tell him everything and let that be that; if you need someone your age to pleasure you fine and I'm sure as long as some rules are set up he'd agree whether happily or reluctantly. Of course you can get him a physical to make sure the old koot is alright, and even before that just tell him straight out how you feel, no hints, no bending, no wishy-washyness, etc.

If all else fails, buy a sybian; it's better than any man.

 

[Symphonic]

I love the double standards.

Thanks to everyone else though, for the constructive advice though.

Anyways, I would be willing to bet anything that if it were some man being sexually dissatisfied, they would be encouraged to whip it out for the first willing female to come along.

Only in fairyland love. Cheating, for guys, is still a heavy social crime with a heavy social punishment; it's "cool" to have many women but the moment you're committed to one most of the male population won't stand by you when you're penis has been in another.

I hear so many damned stories of men cheating when their wives have new babies and become focused soley on motherhood and negligent of their marriages. My own father did that and he is not the first I have heard of.

Doesn't mean it's encouraged. Doesn't mean it's acceptable. Doesn't mean much of anything outside it happens; people cheat, male and female, congratulations; even from your own tone have you not noticed it's not appreciated by, usually, either side?

I also do not see it as all that unusual either that when tragedies happen in marriages, men stray when their wives go distant from them.

The Old Addage: "Men cheat when things are going wrong, women cheat when things are going right." has been proven time and time again. Just like our lassy here; she's got a great husband who cannot fulfill one aspect and she's ready to throw it all away for her vagina's sake? Same with rich women, who to my knowledge statistically cheat the most, etc.

But in this case, somehow the woman is the bad one?

Blame is never the way to go, and she hasn't tried many obvious things such as sexual therapy and worrying about his health as he is pretty old. Also, "bad" is the wrong term; everyone may be at fault, some for not listening and pretending that whatever they say should be the way it is, and some for not acknowledging the needs of others. Pointing fingers and justifying doing "social wrong" never works, no matter what side your on; apparently you're building that case and tearing it down at the same time. The world is overrun with nitwits.

Whereas if the situation were reversed, I am sure there would be every excuse made for the man, he was stressed, 'you don't deprive a man of sex (geez I heard that a billion times when I found out my dad cheated on my mom in her postpartum period)' or many, many other excuses for his behavior or frusturation.

Congratulations; you figured it out. It's not, at any point, justifiable. Now look, daddy may have fucked up, and I am sure there are support groups out there for that, but trying to advocate the crime as an equal oppurtunity does not help. You wouldn't tell Tommy, if Mary cheated on him, to go out, get another girl, and cheat on her. Same here. You don't tell people because bastard X did somethin' to copy and follow the bad leader.

Yes, I realize he is a good man.I do still love him very much. I am glad he loves our daughter so much, but, it has been five months since she has been out of the hospital, and it is time now for him to relax with her, and allow her to live and to put life back into our marriage. It gets frusturating as hell when we are trying to get things going, or even have alone time without sex, and he is freaking over every little noise or non-noise coming from the babies bed. I was scared as hell for a long time too but we do have to have a marriage too at some point because she will one day grow up and leave us.

Your kidding me. This is your problem, your mental issue and scarring from god-knows how long ago. How the fuck are you going to sit and "be okay" with a child who may be ill and expect him to just get on with it? It's not even been half a fucking year! I'm not saying he shouldn't attend to you, but can't he do so in other ways? He's probably stressed ( thus the lack of erections ) and probably can't really function too well because he cares for his kid.

Look, I understand you have a vagina, and I'm glad you have a clit, and machinery can outdo man everytime, so just go and buy a fucking machine and let him give a damn since, well... You obviously care a little less. Yes, she will fly the coop, and he will be fine with that, but your projection is just fucking off. This is stupid, it makes no sense; what does the little girl HAVE? That could matter, how is she? etc. The dude might be smarter than you to actually give two shits at what could happen, or he might be terrified and need therapy, many things can happen and if he's distracted the way to handle it is not to try and blame the kid for being ill or him for being worried. :/

I think you need the therapist with your little rant on Father Bear and why you should be excused. If you want another dick inside of you, go ahead, it's not for us to discern, but don't portray yourself as ignorant; it's not good for you.

I guess I chose the wrong place to vent, excuse me.

It's called a support group fucker. Type it into Google.

Oh, in answer to one posters question regarding me being an 'alpha catch'? I do not post my pics on messages boards, esp one of this nature, for all the world to see but I did share my photos and dh's off this board with a poster named, I think 'bigmanTN'?

Ask him......

"Alpha-catches" have more than a body, and you obviously lack the spirit, dedication, and mental prowess. You're a beta at best, but more likely a delta.

 

[bluemountain]

He needs to see his doctor. Have his testosterone levels check; if the levels are below normal the doctor may prescribe androgel. It is a hormone replacement. I have used it for several years and it works great. I am 49; good health; but had low levels. My last checkup, a few weeks ago, indicated my levels are very high. Viagra helps with the erection not the desire. Androgel helps boost the desire, it did for me.

 

[hung]

The Topic Originator also indicated he was an "Older Catholic" Male. Yes, he may be thinking that sex is for the creation of new citizens. But, then, we must all remember that the "practice" can and should always be fun.

I do not have a child for every time I conducted intercourse, but I always regarded each session of intercourse as a practice run for when the timing was correct, i. e. the egg was ready and my swimmers were active enough to go uphill.

By the way, Hung has a past that includes using birth control, condoms, for the sold purpose of not having a plethora of children.

Additionally, counseling may be expensive as some one else pointed out, but I know for a fact that a good divorce lawyer is not all that cheap either.

Something to consider.

 

[amadeupname]

To the OP

Based on your recitation of what is going on there seems to be any number of things that could be contributing to this. I think the best advice is some sort of counseling to explore all the issues.

Possibilities I see right off hand:

1. His worry about your daughter's health has preoccupied him. He worries about her which causes his interest in sex to drop.

2. He feels inadequate which causes his drop in interest. You are 33 years old and horny. He feels less energy because of his weight and self-conscious about his appearance and his ED. He may feel intimidated by you and think he cannot keep up so he gives up.

3. Gratitude is not the same as love. Only you know whether what you feel towards him. Maybe he thinks that you couldn't feel a wifely love towards him because of the age difference. Who knows.

4. When the two of you got married how much sex experience did he have? Inexperience coupled with guilt feelings about it could produce a mindset that he is finding hard to overcome. In short is he accepting of the idea that it is okay for him to be completely randy and give you what you need? And does he feel he is capable of doing it?

5. He just naturally has a low sex drive and needs viagra to get it up--doing his husbandly duty and all.

The bottom line, counseling.

 

[invisibleman]

Did you take that post seriously? I opened up the proverbial can of snakes.

Mme. Rouge--

I did that as well. We provoked "the Richard Attenborough of procreating fuckers". Hehehe. Just listen to what he says, and pretend he is selling you a pyramid scheme.

:smile:

 

[Drifterwood]

"Alpha-catches" have more than a body, and you obviously lack the spirit, dedication, and mental prowess. You're a beta at best, but more likely a delta.

Too harsh, I think, Symphonic. Better to have had her rant here than with her guy. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest about your partner etc without wanting to say it to them directly.

Anyway she/they are sorting things now.

 

[penisuer]

I think you need the therapist with your little rant on Father Bear and why you should be excused. If you want another dick inside of you, go ahead, it's not for us to discern, but don't portray yourself as ignorant; it's not good for you.

It's called a support group fucker. Type it into Google.


Oh, I am ignorant or portray myself as such? I hate to tell you but name-calling isn't exactly a sign of intellect either.
"Alpha-catches" have more than a body, and you obviously lack the spirit, dedication, and mental prowess. You're a beta at best, but more likely a delta.[/quote]
You sure as hell don't seem to be much to write home about either. Stop throwing childish little fits because you don't like what a person posts. 'Its not good for you.'

 

[penisuer]

Your kidding me. This is your problem, your mental issue and scarring from god-knows how long ago. How the fuck are you going to sit and "be okay" with a child who may be ill and expect him to just get on with it? It's not even been half a fucking year! I'm not saying he shouldn't attend to you, but can't he do so in other ways? He's probably stressed ( thus the lack of erections ) and probably can't really function too well because he cares for his kid.

Look, I understand you have a vagina, and I'm glad you have a clit, and machinery can outdo man everytime, so just go and buy a fucking machine and let him give a damn since, well... You obviously care a little less. Yes, she will fly the coop, and he will be fine with that, but your projection is just fucking off. This is stupid, it makes no sense; what does the little girl HAVE? That could matter, how is she? etc. The dude might be smarter than you to actually give two shits at what could happen, or he might be terrified and need therapy, many things can happen and if he's distracted the way to handle it is not to try and blame the kid for being ill or him for being worried. :/


Oh,now I don't care for my daughter? Wow, you really crossed the line there. The two weeks she was in ICU and up until about two months ago, I was a wreck. I could not sleep, eat, or function like a human being with worry for her. And I do not BLAME her! You have NO IDEA what the hell I felt, and how many times I told Him to take me instead of her. No clue, whatsoever what my feelings were, obviously.
But she is doing great now. What happend was that we found out she is epileptic. Thanksgiving Day, she woke up and was laying in bed with us and started having a seizure. To make a long story short, she had 25 seizures that day at which point they have to medicate her so heavily, she needed a breathing tube for about 5 days. Once the tube was removed, it formed a scar which messed with her breathing of which they surgically removed. After that, she has never had one problem breathing. She has also been seizure free. We have her med levels done every week to make sure they do not go above or below a level and that is what keeps the seizures under control. The reason she was so bad off the first time was that she was epileptic unbeknownst to us and not on meds.

I worry over her too but the doctors have said, we have to allow her to live and not always treat her like a 'patient' (believe it or not, I used to worry as much as he still does) and that is very determental to the family. I understand what it is to worry for godssake, I am her mother. But he can't let it eat at him to where it is all encompassing. There does have to come a point where SOME of the focus has to come back into our marriage and 'us'. I do not think that is unreasonable. Yes, my original post may have been a little harsh but it was written during a very frustruating night. I gues syou have never in a fit of emotion ever said anything you truly didn't mean?

 

[Symphonic]

Too harsh, I think, Symphonic. Better to have had her rant here than with her guy. Sometimes you just need to get things off your chest about your partner etc without wanting to say it to them directly.

Anyway she/they are sorting things now.

Fine. You're probably correct and it was hardly my place.

 

[Symphonic]

Your kidding me. This is your problem, your mental issue and scarring from god-knows how long ago. How the fuck are you going to sit and "be okay" with a child who may be ill and expect him to just get on with it? It's not even been half a fucking year! I'm not saying he shouldn't attend to you, but can't he do so in other ways? He's probably stressed ( thus the lack of erections ) and probably can't really function too well because he cares for his kid.

Look, I understand you have a vagina, and I'm glad you have a clit, and machinery can outdo man everytime, so just go and buy a fucking machine and let him give a damn since, well... You obviously care a little less. Yes, she will fly the coop, and he will be fine with that, but your projection is just fucking off. This is stupid, it makes no sense; what does the little girl HAVE? That could matter, how is she? etc. The dude might be smarter than you to actually give two shits at what could happen, or he might be terrified and need therapy, many things can happen and if he's distracted the way to handle it is not to try and blame the kid for being ill or him for being worried. :/

Oh,now I don't care for my daughter?

Read what's there, not how you feel. It's good for you.

Wow, you really crossed the line there. The two weeks she was in ICU and up until about two months ago, I was a wreck. I could not sleep, eat, or function like a human being with worry for her. And I do not BLAME her! You have NO IDEA what the hell I felt, and how many times I told Him to take me instead of her. No clue, whatsoever what my feelings were, obviously.

"Yatta blah yatta blah yatta blah blah" = "I did not read what was there; I read how I felt." I said you cared a little less; you do care a little less at the moment; he might be overindulging in his daughter's weel-being, that doesn't mean you don't care, it means you're not worrying like he is. No matter.

But she is doing great now.

Thus why you might need to consider that he's got a little hang-up about his little girl while you don't. It's... kind of a given. I'm sure you being a nervous wreck and doomed to die without food and lost in the desert without your baby girl came and went; for some it doesn't. You have to understand that, and by understand I don't mean "be able to read"; it's easy to say "I got it" but it's unreasonably difficult to be patient while waiting for everyone else to catch up to you.

What happend was that we found out she is epileptic. Thanksgiving Day, she woke up and was laying in bed with us and started having a seizure. To make a long story short, she had 25 seizures that day at which point they have to medicate her so heavily, she needed a breathing tube for about 5 days. Once the tube was removed, it formed a scar which messed with her breathing of which they surgically removed. After that, she has never had one problem breathing. She has also been seizure free. We have her med levels done every week to make sure they do not go above or below a level and that is what keeps the seizures under control. The reason she was so bad off the first time was that she was epileptic unbeknownst to us and not on meds.

Then he does indeed have reason to worry; children who have epilepsy don't neccessarily maintain triggers throughout life. Also there are incredibly long periods of time between seizures for some individuals and some just plain have horrible episodes when they hit so the actual frequency might not matter anyway. The kid does need to be watched, and while not night and day your husband will with time get over this; he probably doesn't mean to push you to the side but if I am guessing correctly the man knows about how epilepsy really works and the fact that a seizure, just one, will take his little girl out of the world and can do it damned fast. She's young, so that makes it worse; developmental problems from seizures do occur.

I worry over her too but the doctors have said, we have to allow her to live and not always treat her like a 'patient' (believe it or not, I used to worry as much as he still does) and that is very determental to the family.

I'd expect no less from the professionals; his concern is not unwarranted but it just takes some longer to return to normalcy than others; patience. It's not a virtue, but a neccessity.

I understand what it is to worry for godssake, I am her mother. But he can't let it eat at him to where it is all encompassing. There does have to come a point where SOME of the focus has to come back into our marriage and 'us'. I do not think that is unreasonable. Yes, my original post may have been a little harsh but it was written during a very frustruating night. I gues syou have never in a fit of emotion ever said anything you truly didn't mean?

I don't really have fits of emotion. I don't really show emotion. Emotions are stumbling blocks and make the obvious very hard to see. No one wants to be told their wrong after all.

 

[penisuer]

Could we please drop this post now?

I was wrong.... I should have called a friend to rant, not here as it obviously struck some nerve with some people.

If you have 'constructive critism' (NOT name calling and judging) or good advice, please feel free to PM me.

I originally came here for visual erotica and fun and to admire you very sexy men from afar.

I took it entirely too far by getting too personal about my life. Thanks to all who were honest in your opinions but not abusive and judging.

 

[ZOS23xy]

Oh, and he did go to a doc and doc says he needs to lose weight, that could be the prob. He has the dream but not the drive there.

Do all chubby men have low sex drives?

Not really, but overweight men tend to be predisposed toward diabetic tendencies, one of which is impotence.

It also is a great stress reliever not to be overweight.

 

[Symphonic]

I think you need the therapist with your little rant on Father Bear and why you should be excused. If you want another dick inside of you, go ahead, it's not for us to discern, but don't portray yourself as ignorant; it's not good for you.

It's called a support group fucker. Type it into Google.

Oh, I am ignorant or portray myself as such? I hate to tell you but name-calling isn't exactly a sign of intellect either.

Note to the Wise: Pointing out the opponents minor flaws does not make you seem correct, smarter, or any more credible. In short, you've said nothing but "You can't call me names!" even though you never actually addressed your little Daddy issue which, insofar as you've protrayed, you based your entire defense on.

You first argued two wrongs make a right, then some equality thing, then you fell back on the "Well you made a mistake too!" which is equivalent to basically saying absolutely nothing about your own problem and suggestion. So then, let's try again?

Aren't you going to stick another penis inside yourself because daddy did it and you should have the right because men do and society accepts it for men and you need the sex and your horny and your life is just going down the gutter and your actual brain lies betwixt your legs at the moment or something?

Does that makes sense to you?

"Alpha-catches" have more than a body, and you obviously lack the spirit, dedication, and mental prowess. You're a beta at best, but more likely a delta.

You sure as hell don't seem to be much to write home about either. Stop throwing childish little fits because you don't like what a person posts. 'Its not good for you.'

Funny you do the same, and you do it in defense of yourself, and you do a poor job of it. You come to a forum, throw a HUGE fit, then throw mini-"counter-fits", then throw a fit at someone who does not find you worthwhile because you can throw fits. I was serious, not throwing a fit, you seem like you're not worth the trouble. Honestly. Luckily for you someone came and said it was slightly harsh, and I agreed, so I do retract the statement but only because I am not fit to make such judgement aside from basing it off this situation alone.

I don't care how upset you were; you don't go into your neighbors house, tear up their shit, call them stupid, make excuses for your behavior, and act the fuck up and then sit and say "Well, you should treat me like a guest!"

Again, if you can't control yourself: "Internet Support Group"

 

[Symphonic]

Could we please drop this post now?

Yes, you are excused.

 

[penisuer]

PP, like I said, I am done arguing with you and this thread.

You had the last word, happy????

 

[Symphonic]

Shut up, I hope your child dies while you are having sex.