@dolfette: so because they had already had problems and they just got back together it was okay for her to cheat because she was "weak" and "unsure of the relationship" ... and you can sympothise?? Really, lol? How do you think he felt while he was overseas fighting for OUR freedom and his wife was at home having sex with another man. You simply can not sympothise something so cruel. It's one thing to cheat but when you do it to someone who is away fighting for your country and freedom that takes things to a whole different level. Taking back a woman like that would just show how weak you are.
You have no idea what it is like to be a military wife. It is really fucking hard, even when the relationship is good. People underestimate how hard it is to be the ones left behind, just because we don't face danger around every turn. The most important thing for a rocky relationship is communication, but when your sailor or soldier is underway or deployed, sometimes communication becomes impossible. The ombudsmen don't know anything, no one at the base will tell you anything, and because of OPSEC the sailor or soldier may not have even been able to let you know there would be no communication, or for how long. Nobody knows how to get drunk like active duty personnel on liberty. So you get these drunken bits of communication, and one of the things that linger in your head-space is the idea that your partner and his or her companions are smashed, in party mode, frequently with easy access to prostitution and gold-diggers, and green-card hunters.
This would all be hard enough to have in mind, but then there are the vultures at home. Sometimes acquaintances deliberately plant seeds of doubt. They tell the homefront partner lies and half-truths, distort existing situations, bring up old hurts. Sometimes they say only soothing things about how they understand the loneliness and fear, and work hard to win you over.
Meanwhile, the deployed and underway hearken back to their training. In boot camp, in order to unify them, they are told that their wives are whores who can't wait to cheat on them. They are told their families can never understand their experiences ever again. They are told to only trust the unit, the branch, the command. Thinking back to this part of training, in the middle of the communication problems and the residual feelings of resentment and disconnectedness, sometimes the deployed and underway begin to wonder things. "Why did my partner say it THAT way? What are they doing now?"
Maybe after a while there is an environment of hyper-sensitive feelings between the couple. There are too many perceived slights, even when there is nothing. Sometimes one or both of them cheats. The one at home usually has the most freedom to do so.
Then the deployed and underway return home. In my experience and observation, what happens is the household was functioning according to a good rhythm while the servicemember was away. Servicemembers come home, and instead of fitting themselves into the existing schedule and pace of the home, they jump in with both feet, and start making things go their way. It isn't malicious, and usually no one even realizes that's what's going on; they only notice the extra tension.
It can be easily understood when an Army wife cheats. Understood, not condoned. She's not some evil villain. She's just a fucked up human like the rest of us. They almost divorced, and then he was deployed for God knows how long. I wouldn't jump to conclusions as some in this thread have. As far as I recall, the OP said nothing about no longer being in love; only that he was unhappy. That's not exactly the same thing.
Now, if he loves her, and if she loves him, and if they both want to make their marriage work, not only for the kids, but also to revive their love, then what I suggest is that he contact Work-life and Tricare. Tricare Prime will give you each eight sessions with a mental health professional if you can get either a referral from your PCM or authorization from Tricare which is easy to do. Using that benefit, it is possible to get some marriage counseling for free.
