Marriage

[Kassokilleri2ff]

Is it worth it? I almost got married once. I'm glad I didn't.
Over the past 6 years I've learned a lot from married couples. Most of what I have learned is negative. It seems like you sacrifice so much just for someone to love for a few years and then get a dirty messy hate filled divorce.

I've always wanted to get married and have some kids. But now I don't want to ever get married. I've held on to my "dream" for a long time and now I don't want it whatsoever.

But there is one exception. There is one girl who I think I could. She is completely unlike any other woman I've ever met. But she never wants to get married and she's had that belief for many years.

What are your thoughts? What does it take to actually make it worth it?

 

[D_Lanksesbye Sleepingrawe]

It was the smartest thing I ever did, and it's worked for many years because of a few simple things:

1. I married my best friend because I loved her -- not because she's beautiful, or smart, or makes lots of money, or cooks well, or is good in bed... I married her because I loved her, not because of what I could "get out of her". Love is the one thing that can't be taken away. The other stuff is just stuff.

2. We got really good pre-marital counseling from a professional. It was a requirement for her church that we do so, but the priest was particularly renowned in this area. He gave us perspective and problem solving tools that we still use every day, even >10 years later.

3. Don't keep score if you can help it. You may feel like you're doing 99% of the work in the marriage, but it's likely the other person feels the same way. If you're doing "most of the work" and she's doing "most of the work", then it all adds up to "almost all the work". Keeping score builds resentment that you don't need. Do the best you can as a husband because it's the right thing to do, not because it gets you anything quantitative.

4. Go into it assuming it's permanent and work at it. It's easy to give up on a marriage, but it's a helluva lot more satisfying to hang in there and solve the problems you encounter together.

It's a lot of work, but it's joyful work. You get to share your life with someone you don't get tired of seeing. You get one person you can trust with all things -- and even if she can't relate, she can understand. You get comfort and security and warmth and the feeling that you are loved more than anyone else in the world. There ought to be great sex in there somewhere too.:biggrin1: Maybe kids later on if that's what you want. But in all, you get to spend the rest of your life with the person you'd rather spend time with than anyone else.

You're mileage may vary. I'm an idealist (obviously), but it's worked for the lady and me for 19 years, 11 of which have been in marriage. The previous ones were spent via long distance relationship while she earned multiple degrees, so there was no living together ahead of time to "try it out" either.

Marriage -- it rocks.:biggrin1:

 

[borntobeking]

Is it worth it? That is for you to decide. You will get a thousand yes's and a thousand no's on this site. You also mention having learned a lot from married couples and that it was negative. I say, that all depends on the sampling of people with whom you associate. They do not make up the sum total of all people. I have had the exact opposite experience. Most of the people that I know are in happy long term marriages and have mostly come from parents that are still happily married after 30, 40 and even 50 years. So, from my point of view I have seen it work very well.

ANYTHING, not just marriage can work or fail depending on what you put into. Bottom line, it is all about you, your wife and your collective resolve to want to make it work. The experiences of others do not dictate what your experience will be. If they were unhappy and decided to divorce is there some universal law that says you have to be unhappy and get divorced? Of course not.

You also state that you, "don't want it whatsoever" and the girl, "never wants to get married". I am a strong advocate for marriage and I believe that it is so special that it is not for everyone. I believe that a lot of marriages fail because people that really do not want to get married somehow bow to societal pressure and do something that they never wanted to do in the first place. I firmly believe in marriage and I believe that it should not be entered into unless both parties ABSOLUTELY want it, not their parents, friends or neighbors. A couple has to want it for themselves.

 

[borntobeking]

Great post Space_Lord and excellent advice for the young man.

My experience has been pretty much identical. I married my best friend, we had pre-marital counseling the whole bit. Also we have been together for 17 years and this year will be our 11th wedding anniversary.

Glad to see great examples of making it work.

 

[killerb]

I've had many married people tell me that they wish they'd never gotten married & if they had the chance to go back in time, they would have avoided it. But those same people are still with their mates. (I don't get it)

I also know quite a few married people who are truly in love with their mates & are very happy.

Marriage isn't for everyone & it takes a lot to make it work.

It tends to be more successful when people do it for the right reasons.

Ultimately, you can't decide if it's right for you based on other people's experience.

 

[dbjones1969]

SpaceLord sums it up perfectly... VERY well said. Been with my wife since the early 1990's - married in 1999 - never looked back - sure we've had our ups and downs but we can get through things together... and I always have my best friend around! And my best lover too!

It was the smartest thing I ever did, and it's worked for many years because of a few simple things:

1. I married my best friend because I loved her -- not because she's beautiful, or smart, or makes lots of money, or cooks well, or is good in bed... I married her because I loved her, not because of what I could "get out of her". Love is the one thing that can't be taken away. The other stuff is just stuff.

2. We got really good pre-marital counseling from a professional. It was a requirement for her church that we do so, but the priest was particularly renowned in this area. He gave us perspective and problem solving tools that we still use every day, even >10 years later.

3. Don't keep score if you can help it. You may feel like you're doing 99% of the work in the marriage, but it's likely the other person feels the same way. If you're doing "most of the work" and she's doing "most of the work", then it all adds up to "almost all the work". Keeping score builds resentment that you don't need. Do the best you can as a husband because it's the right thing to do, not because it gets you anything quantitative.

4. Go into it assuming it's permanent and work at it. It's easy to give up on a marriage, but it's a helluva lot more satisfying to hang in there and solve the problems you encounter together.

It's a lot of work, but it's joyful work. You get to share your life with someone you don't get tired of seeing. You get one person you can trust with all things -- and even if she can't relate, she can understand. You get comfort and security and warmth and the feeling that you are loved more than anyone else in the world. There ought to be great sex in there somewhere too.:biggrin1: Maybe kids later on if that's what you want. But in all, you get to spend the rest of your life with the person you'd rather spend time with than anyone else.

You're mileage may vary. I'm an idealist (obviously), but it's worked for the lady and me for 19 years, 11 of which have been in marriage. The previous ones were spent via long distance relationship while she earned multiple degrees, so there was no living together ahead of time to "try it out" either.

Marriage -- it rocks.:biggrin1:

 

[helgaleena]

Things are easier with a partner you can trust. I think that marriages fail when trust breaks down, for whatever reason. It's like the difference between a sole proprietorship and a partnership.

In my own case, what sank marriage was the illusions we both held about what we were getting into, plus toxic secrets that sank things like a torpedo when they came out. Many times people stay in a relationship on principle, or out of inertia, but if you do not both work at it and both completely play fair, it is like paddling in opposite directions in a canoe.

Those who have a good and polite partnership, count your lucky stars. You have an incomparable refuge.

 

[dotball]

A lot of good posts there and like marriage and the people it involves, there's no one rule and every situation and opinion is different.
I'm married, thought as you did - do the right thing (conform to the way I was raised) and we did it all, houses, kids, debt debt debt and now I think it's not the right thing, I have regrets but, as I've made my bed and have other lives to consider (the kids) I have to get their life on track before I get selfish.
If/when I leave, I will not get into another relationship, BUT, one can not live life on their own and some sort of companionship is an important thing.
So, whether you marry ur best friend or agree to live a life with a partner, not married, it's all in what suits the couple.
Look at todays youth, some married, some just living together - which ever way, most without kids and living a selfish life of money and play.
You need to decide if ur in it for companionship or the lifestyle - marriage is a serious life changing moment and does take a lot of compromise, commitment and hard work to make it work for both parties. For marriage is not for the benefit of one person.
Ah, there's no answer to your question. I've asked many similar questions here and elsewhere and it's really just a part of thinking aloud.
It's a goooood start that you and ur friend are talking about long term ideas up front. Best for no nasty surprises - nothing worse than being together for years and then it's not right because of someones ideals that weren't disclosed early on.
I think times have changed and a successful life, most unfortunately, is now for the DINKS - Double Income, No Kids.

 

[Kassokilleri2ff]

DINKS eh? nice acronym.

Thanks for all the posts. Maybe I'm just lazy. I don't feel like it should be such hard work to make a marriage work. The girl i had almost married had wanted me to change pretty much everything about myself. It was like I had to go to the store, buy a new human being, and jump into that persons suit. Thats pretty much what I see in alot of other married couples.
I mean..I can see that life goes on, you stop clubbing and you start child raising. But I'm not a clubber, I'm just a boring person who likes the life I have. I want a woman with the same kind of thing going on. I want to marry a woman that is like that, but it seems like there aren't any. They all want kids and marriage counceling and big changes. That's why I feel like the only woman I could marry is my friend. She is just like me and seems to be perfect for me. We haven't worked out in the past because it was a long distance relationship. I'm not with her now but I'm moving back home soon and maybe we can work it out again. If so...then all this marriage stuff doesn't matter I guess.

 

[Beaker44]

You're still in your 20's. Yeah I know a lot of people are married {and some divorced} by that age, but when you are younger you may think you can cope with the single life BUT......... you wont be young for ever and beieve me, there'll be a time when the years just race by one after the other then you'll be an old man before you realise it. Where will all your young friends be then? possibly with THEIR spouses and families and with little or no time OR interest, to meet up with you. Just because the 'norm' is for someone to get married and then divorced doesn't mean you should follow suit. You MAY actually LOVE the girl you'll marry and wont want to seperate. I wasn't married til I was 30 - and had only met her at 27.

 

[_Jonesy]

I'm young, inexperienced and maybe a little naive about marriage, so my perspective may help in an odd way, if only just to see all the sides of the argument.

Space_Lord got the answer spot on, I'd like to point that out first of all.

From my observations though, most marriages cause stress, a feeling of being trapped. Only a very small minority live forever happily after, even my parents, they loved each other an inconceivable amount and yet now my Dad wishes he wasn't married and wishes he could do all the things he can no longer do.

With that said, perhaps he would feel like he has achieved nothing without me and my brother. Maybe he would feel like he has never been loved?

Who knows which is best? Wishing you had, or wishing you hadn't. I probably will, one day, but only because I know one day if I don't I will wish I had.

 

[MsThang]

OMG...I just noticed that Kassokilleri2ff is 24. Are you kidding me? Why are you even thinking about this right now? Just date and have fun. I think what Jonesy mentioned about his dad can be true for some people. If you get married when you are too young, without many life experiences you may feel trapped and cheated later on in life. Also, it is good to date and have different sorts of relationships. So when you meet the right person you know exactly what is out there and you are happy to settle down.

 

[_Jonesy]

So when you meet the right person you know exactly what is out there and you are happy to settle down.

But if you meet them earlier, it is very very difficult to let it pass you by with the excuse of needing to know more sides of the story.

I know of people who change their mind only to come running back when they realise the cock-up they have made.

There is a very difficult and fine balance. Inexperience and an overwhelming albeit younger and more immature love vs Enough experience to make it work.

 

[MsThang]

Most young marriages are doomed to fail. I can think of one couple that is still married and actually have a good marriage. I know from my own marriage, we were both too young and just not ready. We should have dated, lived together and instead of getting a divorce it would have just been a break-up. I look at my ex-husband and I see clearly that the man I chose at 19 is not the man I want to be with at 38.

Jonesy -- I do know of people who dated when they were young, broke up and got back together and are happily married. Marriage is a gamble, some people lose and some people win.

 

[_Jonesy]

Jonesy -- I do know of people who dated when they were young, broke up and got back together and are happily married. Marriage is a gamble, some people lose and some people win.

Definately. I can only hope it goes well for me one day

 

[D_Winthrop Woodcock]

Marriage is a gamble, some people lose and some people win.

^^It sure is! Hope to get lucky... thats all you can do.
Or put in a lot of time and effort before you commit.. so that you are sure of what you are getting into

 

[B_subgirrl]

Look at todays youth, some married, some just living together - which ever way, most without kids and living a selfish life of money and play.

So you think people who choose not to have children are selfish? Why?

Thanks for all the posts. Maybe I'm just lazy. I don't feel like it should be such hard work to make a marriage work. The girl i had almost married had wanted me to change pretty much everything about myself.

I think marriage takes a lot of work, even if you are with the best person in the world. But that girl was OBVIOUSLY so, so wrong for you! If they want to change everything about you, what's the point in marriage? They don't want to commit to YOU, they want to commit to some ideal of who they think you should be. Not marrying her was a very sensible thing.

 

[D_Winthrop Woodcock]

If they want to change everything about you, what's the point in marriage? They don't want to commit to YOU, they want to commit to some ideal of who they think you should be. Not marrying her was a very sensible thing.

Subgirrl is absolutely right... You got to be yourself.. retain your identity..
Whats the point in entering a relationship in which you can't be yourself??

 

[borntobeking]

If they want to change everything about you, what's the point in marriage? They don't want to commit to YOU, they want to commit to some ideal of who they think you should be. Not marrying her was a very sensible thing.

Well said. One of the things that led to my wife and I getting married was the fact that she accepted me just as I was and I accepted her. Sure her parents, family and friends had different ideas about the type of guy she should marry but fortunately I was not marrying them. I was marrying her and she wanted me to just be me. We were somewhat young (I was 25 and she was 27) but we have been happy ever since. Even with being parents now, she's still my best friend.

 

[D_Humper E Bogart]

You're still in your 20's. Yeah I know a lot of people are married {and some divorced} by that age, but when you are younger you may think you can cope with the single life BUT......... you wont be young for ever and beieve me, there'll be a time when the years just race by one after the other then you'll be an old man before you realise it. Where will all your young friends be then? possibly with THEIR spouses and families and with little or no time OR interest, to meet up with you. Just because the 'norm' is for someone to get married and then divorced doesn't mean you should follow suit. You MAY actually LOVE the girl you'll marry and wont want to seperate. I wasn't married til I was 30 - and had only met her at 27.

Or people could live those precious years to the full and not chain themselves down because they suddenly realise they are mortal? If your friends don't have time for you, they are not your friends, simple as, and if the partner fails to understand the value of friendship then it seems to me that someone has traded the ability to do whatever their heart takes them for shallow bondage in the name of "love" and "comfort".

You don't give up being alive at an old age!