I understand that as I have told you before. But if she wants to go out and have sex with other men in the future for whatever reason--say variety--then you should be just as understanding of her needs.
Okay, I'm happy that I decided to log off and catch some zzz's with the intention of coming back today because I think that this is a case of "broken telephone" and I think that I'm reason behind it.
...there I said it. Happy now? :biggrin1: Now let me continue... hehehehe
Part of the reason why I've responded to your suggestion about allowing my wife to hook up with other men comes from the kind of situation that we are in.
For a start, I know my wife like I know myself (and vice versa which is why I think that she's open to my having a relationship with a man). Both of us place a great deal of value on sex...it isn't just a physical act. We both attach a lot of depth and value to it and see it as a spiritual experience just as much as a physical one. It's more than just an orgasm for both of us because we need to have very deep feelings for the other person before being willing to hand ourselves over in such a meaningful and intimate manner.
In my case, I think that she's accepting of the idea that I can have a sexual relationship with a man purely because it will be treated with the same approach and respect as it is with her. I am certainly not out there cruising for men or hooking up for casual encounters, in fact, up until I met a certain someone, I was sceptical that I'd ever have the opportunity to enjoy emotional intimacy with somebody special, let alone sexually - purely because I know the high standard that I set before myself and what I would be looking for in a man as well as his own attitudes and values system surrounding sex.
I need to have a meaningful relationship with a man because I am bisexual...the issue lies with me and not her. It's not as if I've lost interest in her or anything like that. I know her well enough to know that if she needed to be with another man, then it would purely be as a result of my not meeting her needs...and I have a problem with that because then I am the one with the problem/issues and I would like for us to talk about it, because in that sense of the word, it would be more about sex and I would like for her to enjoy the kind of bliss that I find from being married to her...and if it's a problem that can't be resolved, then I owe it to her to set her free so that she is able to pour 100% of herself into a relationship with someone capable of giving her what I can't.
I will not treat my sexual relationship with her in an undignified manner by speaking about it, however, I know how we relate with each other and with it comes an awareness that if she needs to have sex with somebody else, then the problem lies much deeper than just sex.
With that said and done, about a month after outing myself to her, I encountered a new member on a bisexual forum who was literally reeling from something that had just taken place in his life. He was out of town with a colleague, they went to a bar, got drunk and ended up in bed with each other. Up till that point he had no idea that he was bisexual (which trust me, it's like hell on it's own when you only realise it after you're married) but also had to contend with the fact that he had cheated on his wife. He was shattered and it led me to do a lot of reflecting.
As a result of his experience, I told my wife that much as I doubt that it would ever happen, but if she were to ever in up in bed with a man, there is ONE thing that I would like for her to focus on - SHE IS ALREADY FORGIVEN!!!! I know her well enough to know that she'd never actively go out and look for it so if anything, it happened at a time of weakness. I made her aware that I have forgiven her and I do not expect her to fess up to me because I wouldn't want her to even deal with the pained look on my face. Bear in mind that this took place at a time when this journey was still very new to me and I was adamant that I had no need to have any kind of relationship with a guy other than just as friends. It was only as my understanding grew that I was able to identify my needs.
The other reason why I am adamant about it happening is because my being bisexual and even growing to love a man has had a HUGE impact on our marriage...for the better. We have grown so incredibly close to each other. I have grown a lot. We have never been more open with each other and our emotional intimacy is at it's highest. In short, our marriage is better with me as her bisexual husband than it was when I thought that I was straight. Now when the two of us need emotional intimacy before being able to relate sexually with another, and our emotional intimacy is at such a high level, then why would she need to have sex with other men?
If she were a size queen, I could accept it. If I didn't satisfy her in bed, I could as well, but none of this is the case. If I no longer float her boat, then there are underlying problems that hooking up with other men won't solve. THAT is why I have a problem with such an idea...because if the problem isn't addressed, well then we may as well say that it's game over even before she hooks up with me, because THINGS will get worse and not because of the sex but because issues have been ignored.
I love the man in my life too deeply for me to be able to express it in words. However, my love for my wife is much stronger and she's aware of my love for him and for her. If things are to ever become sexual between him and me, it won't just be about the sex for either of us, but purely as a result of the love that I carry for him in my heart. I wouldn't be fucking, screwing or bonking him...I will be making love to him...and it would come from no other desire than to use my body to write my love for him all over his body.
I hope that you can understand why I have taken my stance a little better...when both, my wife and I have have this approach to sex, then it's difficult to accept either of us approaching it with attitudes that neither of us embrace.
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