Married folks or those in LTR, please read.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by bluekarma, Aug 10, 2006.

  1. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Okay, this post is actually derived from things going on in my personal life. I am well aware that LPSG is not an appropriate place to get marital advice, but I do value posters on this board. I have observed many of you give really great non-bias bare bones answers.....so please do the same for this thread.

    For lack of creative energy, I will just post questions:

    How long have you been married

    Have you always been faithful to your partner (meaning never showing sexual interest in any form to anyone other than SO)

    Have you ever had the desire or temptation to stray or play
    If yes, how did you handle it

    How do you keep that "spark" alive in your marriage/sex life

    Do you feel completely fulfilled in your sex life w/ your SO
    If no, how do you satisfy those things your partner can't or won't satisfy

    Do you ever wonder if there is someone else out there that is better for you

    I know many would say that the last question answers itself. If you are truly in love, you don't wonder...you are content. True?

    Members of this board that 'know' me, know that I'm having some marital trouble. I'm really at a loss for what to do next and aside from an appointment with a marriage counselor on Monday, I have no where else to turn (sad, I know).

    Oh! Is it possible for two people who love one another deeply to keep a relationship together if they are not on the same "level" - I can explain that further if need be as it is very vauge.

    Many thanks in advance to anyone who responds.
     
  2. alien51

    alien51 New Member

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    alien,here.curiousgurl,how old are you?it would be easier to answer some of the questions.i've been married to two women in the last 25 years.faithful to both.ever really look at another woman and consider her sexually?i'm married but i'm not dead!fantisize about other women?of course.i'm 55 as is my wife.i wish all it took was love.it takes respect too.treat the other persons feelings as if they are your own,can you imagine your life without the other person in it?respond please.
     
  3. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Hi and Thanks. I am 24, he is 28. Married for 6 years, together nearly 10. No, I cannot imagine my life without him, and that is partly because I grew up with him, and partly because we have a child together. I am just having these overwhelming feelings of doom because we just don't have anything in common anymore. How can I spend the rest of my life with someone who I don't feel a strong and passionate connection with? I once did, and I know that it is common for that to fizzle away after time...so then what is left? Could you answer the other questions as well, please?

    Also - anyone who has already listened to me whine about this in PM's or chat or whatever.....don't think I wasn't listening. I'm just opening it up for further discussion....you never know what you might uncover thru someone elses view.
     
  4. DC_DEEP

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    Living together about 5 and a half years, actually in love about a year longer.
    We started our relationship with the understanding that it would not be exclusive, so I'm not sure how to answer this one.
    see above
    Understanding that we occasionally involve others in our sex life, that adds some of the "spark", but the major chunk of it is that we talk a lot about a vast variety of subjects, we just enjoy spending time together - sexual or non-sexual.
    Yes
    See above answers
    Do I ever wonder if there is someone who would be exclusively sexually more compatible? Yes. And there probably is. But looking at the gestalt of our relationship, there's not another person on this earth with whom I can even imagine I would spend the rest of my life.
    Probably.
    Without more details on that question, the quick but definitive answer is: Maybe. So much depends upon how well the two of you mesh together. I'm truly fortunate. My partner and I have many common interests, but we each also have non-shared interests. And my strengths match his weaknesses, and his strengths match my weaknesses. We are good to each other, and treat each other with the greatest respect. Funny thing, I met him during a very unpleasant time in my life, and tried repeatedly to find a reason not to fall in love. He just didn't cooperate with me in that respect. Probably none of this helps, but I had to answer. I wish you the best, and I hope everything works out for you, one way or the other.
     
  5. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
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    Hi Curiousgurl - Happy to answer your questions for you I do not know how to split up your post like some of the posters on here so I am going to answer within your quoted post in RED.



    You are very welcome I sincerely hope you can work it out.

    Here is a link to a recent thread from my friend Stronzo which is slightly related to this and I think you may find some of the points in it very helpful.

    http://www.lpsg.org/et-cetera-et-cetera/31941-what-constitutes-cheating.html?highlight=cheating
     
  6. cgttown

    cgttown Member

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    Marriage is about commitment. Sometimes you don't "feel" committed, but you work through that. You stay because you made the committment and you find ways to get back the passion.

    I have been married over 20 years to the same woman. Without going into detail, I wish I could I say I have been completely faithful in word and deed the entire time. But I cannot.

    However, I am committed to a lifetime relationship, and we both work hard on it. There have been health problems with my wife that made sex impossible at times--for long periods. I still have a greater desire than she.

    But she is my best friend, the mother of my children, and my soulmate. I plan to die married to her, and we spend time together every week just talking, laughing, or being together. We we can have sex, it's good. When we cannot, I get frustrated with that part of life.

    Keep finding ways to connect and the relationship can be deep, meaningful, loving, and satisfying despite the ebb and flow of feelings.
     
  7. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Thank you sir. Your reply is very helpful...esp. this part:

    But looking at the gestalt of our relationship, there's not another person on this earth with whom I can even imagine I would spend the rest of my life.

    Such an important thing to consider, I agree. I am not an easy woman to handle, and I need to consider that when I think of the big picture. You see this is the exact type of insight I was hoping for. Thank you again.

     
  8. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Hi Dave and thank you for your answers. I did read Stronzos thread earlier, which inspired me to create my own - he got some great answers! As am I, thus far. Your marriage sounds very secure and happy. Good for you. Thanks again.

     
  9. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Thank you. I'm just wondering HOW you get back the passion? I did not know passion was something you could generate, either its there or not? No? I'm so confused.....not because of your response, just in general. Life sucks when you grow up.....

    Situations like yours DO give me hope, and it sounds as if you have a beautiful relationship. I think a lot of our problem comes from being so young, so busy with life and kids that we forget to take the time to nurture our newborn (in the scheme of things) marriage......hopefully the therapy will help. If not, time will tell. I'm just the type that wants answers NOW - :confused:

    Thanks again...
     
  10. alien51

    alien51 New Member

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    my wife and i just don't have all that much in common except for each other.different music,she hates boxing,i ride a dirt bike,she crochets.WE TALK!we communicate.we really work at our relationship and our life together.we grew up together too but only got together 10 years ago.you've got a child together.yeah there's probably someone out there that i would be more compatible with sexually,someone who could give better head or orgasm sooner too.someone who could make me cum with her hand(my wife just doesn't have the rythm),but those are silly things!she probably has some issues about me in the sack,but somehow we just muddle throough,enjoying each others differences.we're not from the same planet,and probably not even the same species,but we took vows.it's the hardest thing you will ever do.raising children isn't as hard(i've got twin daughters,24).keeping the spark alive:the quality of the sexual encounter is one key.don't bring anyone else in:you're just askin' to get your ass kicked.you've probably had enough porn.just keep trying new and fresh things.worship his body.worship her body.oh,baby did bad things to your boobs?his body ain't what it used to be?so fucking what!!!!!!!!!!i know i wasn't centerfold material to begin with,but she loves my butt just because it's mine.desire to stray or play?you betcha!how do i handle it?i take it out on her in bed!if i can't do that(sometimes she just plain doesn't want to look at,or touch,or put in her mouth,a hard dick),i'll just masturbate and think about my latest fantasy.it has absolutely nothing to do with my desire to make love or to fuck her relentlessly.she is who i picked and she picked me.no,she really doesn't like to swallow,but that's ok.curiousgurl,dear it's about compromise.just relax and look at what you do have,not what you don't.i'm sure if i met you,i would imagine all the nasty things i would do to you,but that's inside my own head,not for her.we don't discuss the "whatifs".good luck to you,keep me posted,or ask me anything if you think i can help,alien:yup:
     
  11. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    The "what if's" fuck with me...they really do. Your reply was great. Thank you.

     
  12. alien51

    alien51 New Member

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    curiousgurl,if sex is part of the problem(which at your age it probably is)one thing you're going to have to come to terms with is that you're both different people with different needs.talk about them.my wife(since menopause)really doesn't have a very strong drive.my sex drive is incredible."whatif"i just found someone else?someone else for just once in a while?"whatif" i just let her know what i want and she obliges me when it's comfortable for her as well?she"s not in the mood for penetration,but she"ll jack me off and i'll finish(remember she has no rithym)money"s the problem?rarely,if ever,do we ever have enough.make a plan.just some small bit of knowledge from 55 years.don't throw it away because of "whatifs""whatif"the grass is brown on the other side?
     
  13. Mumzi

    Mumzi New Member

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    One thing I see here is your age. You're at an age where many people are just beginning a marriage. You have been with this man since you were 14; is it possible you are feeling a little cheated. Is it possible that you didn't get the time to see other people and experience different personalities.

    There isn't much you can do on the spur of the moment to fix that, but if you could acknowledge that, maybe you'd be able to see where those feelings are coming from.

    As far as every day life; being married over 5 years and having young child is just about the time and place where every marriage seems to loose some passion. You are now mommy and daddy. You might even begin calling each other mommy and daddy.
    This can be a difficult time in any marriage.

    As to 1: I have always been faithful, yes. I have no desire to roam. We have been married 20 years.

    2: the spark is not always there, we had some tough times in the beginning, and elaborate on that later.

    We make time for just us. We have two girls about one year apart that are 18 & 19 so we have more time, but not always the privacy. We bought a huge motor home and we go for a week or two, or just 2 nights to the local park. Some are very beautiful. But doing things like walking at night while the warm summer breeze fills the air, is romantic.

    Last year on valentines day he got me a generic card.
    Well, in all fairness I am always complaining about people needing a holiday to buy a gift or tell someone you love them.
    So, I got only the card.

    Ten days later I get in bed and the pillow felt odd.
    There was what looked like a card inside the pillow case.
    I open the card and it was just folded card stock for the printer, but it said " happy I love you day"
    Inside there was a joke shopping schedule to shop for various clothes and then I saw tickets to Paris.
    We were going to Paris. It was sweet. A very nice 'I love you day'.


    But you know, it would have had the same effect if it were
    a day at the local motel.
    I think you need to be close emotionally to be close sexually.


    3: Our sex life is good. I am not as interested in sex as often as I used to be. The drive is there, and I enjoy it just as much; but in my 20's & 30's it was 2-3 times a week and my body was ready in just 2-3 days.
    Now I'm just not horny again for 4 or 5 days. Sometimes longer. That doesn't mean we can't have sex, but I'm just not going to have an orgasm. My body doesn't need it.

    My husband feels his sex drive has slowed some, although slow for him is skipping a day.
    He says he would prefer to have sex when I am in the mood. He feels he enjoys it more.
    There is a difference between not being in the mood at all, and just not horny enough to have an orgasm.
    I still might want to make love, and I let him know that I can enjoy intercourse without an orgasm.

    4: do I ever wonder if there is someone else out there? No, I can't say that I do.
    I don't think anyone else could ever understand me the way he does.

    I think you're asking this question due to your entire predicament. You didn't have the experiences many other women had. You really don't know if there could be someone better. You're problems are a little more complicated than the average couple who did have those years between 16 and 21 to date and experience life as an independent person.
    Still, that is a separate issue from 'do I love him'.

    But none of this means this marriage can't flourish or that you don't genuinely love this man.
    I think a marriage [SIZE=-1]counselor [/SIZE]might go a long way to help you both put your cards on the table, recognize that being committed to someone so early in life might add to your doubts, and being a parent adds stress to any marriage. You need to sort it all out, then see how it feels from there.

    When we were first married we had a difficult time. Maybe it was more me, and my expectations. I grew up in a distant family who had a great deal of money and not much love.
    They sure knew how to fight though. It was a stressful environment.

    When I married my husband, we didn't know each other that well. Sounds odd, I know.
    He proposed to me 5 weeks after we met. There was an instant attraction between us.

    When ever we had a disagreement, he was amazingly controlled. There was one time that I was very upset, I ran into the bathroom, locked the door and stood my back to the door and kicked it as hard as I could. Then I sat on the floor and cried.
    His reaction was to say: "I know your upset, but I need you to unlock the door"
    The calmer he was, the madder I got. He asked: "Please, unlock the door, if you don't I'm going to have to remove the lock, I just want you to unlock the door"

    No, I wasn't going to unlock it and I was pissed because it seemed he was more concerned about the damn lock than he was about me. ( he was concerned about me, and worried because I had locked the door, I just couldn't see that)

    Sure enough, 3-4 min later I hear tools and he is removing the entire door knob and lock.
    He took it off and tapped the door, saying "knock knock". He was trying, but I wasn't seeing it. He asked if he could come in. By that time I was still on the floor and cried out. He was very calm and very sweet, he did every thing right but it took me a long time to understand that. I'm not always such a little bitch, but at that time I was 6 weeks pregnant and we didn't know it. I had awful highs and lows when I was pregnant.

    I didn't understand his ways. I felt he was treating me like I was one of his patients.
    I was his wife. I felt that if he didn't show emotion he didn't care enough about me.
    Those 2 issues were difficult for me to overcome. He has more of a calm personality, and but I saw it as the psychiatrist coming through, and I wanted the husband.

    It's very difficult to explain. To me that calm facade meant no attachment. He's calm around his patients, but he doesn't love them. I think I felt that he wasn't taking me seriously. This issue was a constant source of problems in the first year of our marriage.

    But why would I want someone to be combative, loud, ill tempered?
    Probably because that was what I knew, and even though it was not pleasant, it was familiar.
    I also had to come to the realization that this was his personality. It didn't have much to do with his profession. I used to wonder, can a career influence a personality- or does one's personality influence one's career or career choice.
    I've come to realize it was his personality. I am thankful he has that personality!
    I also feel that the one thing that helped me, and our marriage was his ability to understand why I was over reacting so much. It was a tough time, but when you think about, that was a time when we should/would have been dating and getting to know each other.
    We ended up getting to know each other early in our marriage.

    I hope things work out for you. Marriage counseling is helpful. I think any couple who married/committed so young would have these problems. Maybe if you can get past that you can delve more into the relationship.
     
  14. sares

    sares New Member

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    personally, I haven't been married long enough to know all the answers, but I don't think my "resume" is the exclusive basis of the feedback I might give you.

    if you share something of your situation, I will try and reflect some thoughts back to you. without something to go on, though, and not knowing you, I'll reserve comment.
     
  15. Love-it

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    Hope this helps to give some insight into other relationships.
     
  16. Mackleanen Beebarf

    Mackleanen Beebarf New Member

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    Just a bit over 1 year.

    Faithful? Yes. Never showing any interest? Yes. Never HAVING interest? No. Being married doesn't suddenly turn you into something besides a person. You're still going to be attracted to other people from time to time. The only thing that changes is you don't act on it.

    No.

    After just a year, I couldn't tell you. I'm honestly not even sure how to exactly define the "spark," as relationships evolve over time. Things become different, but not necessarily better or worse. As others have said, the biggest thing is just to not take each other for granted.

    That's a tough one. At this point, I don't expect to be COMPLETELY fulfilled. It's not that she can't or won't satisfy certain things. It's just that we haven't had enough practice yet. :wink:

    Sure, but it's only a fleeting thought. I don't think you can help from wonder ing "could it be better if..." but if you're really committed to your marriage, you make the effort to turn those "if"s into realities with the person you're already with. Nobody can change who somebody else is--who they already are was part of the deal--but as others have said, there are comprimises to be made that make things easier, i.e., "I know you don't like it when I do that, so I'll try not to if you try not to do this, which you know drives me nuts."

    In the end, no relationship is going to be 100% perfect, so thinking about how another one might be is a waste of time.

    Bullstuff. Being married doesn't shut down one's human nature. Unless somebody has no imagination whatsoever, I can't imagine that being the case. Of course, it all depends on to what extent you're talking about. It's a big jump from wondering to actively seeking.

    curiousgirl, I know this probably sounds a little negative, and I may be way off since I don't know the whole story, but I get the feeling from your questions that you bought into a fairy tale and are now having a problem accepting that what you have doesn't stack up to that. Things are what they are. I don't care how in love two people are or how compatible they are or how little they actually argue, there's no way in the world two people are going to live together and merge their lives without a) some sense of the routine setting in and b) driving each other up the wall on occassion. The key is to blow off the unimportant stuff and focus on what is important.

    Another thing that somebody else noted is that this is practically (maybe absolutely) the only person you've ever been with, and now you're probably wondering what else is out there. That's only natural, but I really have no idea what to tell you about that. Something I do think is great is that you seem to have a handle on exactly what it is you're struggling with, and that's going to make it infinitely easier to fix.
     
  17. D_Sir Dancealot

    D_Sir Dancealot New Member

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    Are you about to write a book also????????????
     
  18. amberleafbabe

    amberleafbabe Member

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    curious,i was with my wife from 1991 when i was 16.until 2000.we were boyfriend/girlfriend for 6 years.the got married in 1997.i was only 21 when we got married.it has been my experience.that my wife,and i were entirely to young to be married.i was her first sexual partner,and i had only had sex maybe four times before her.you and your husband have actually been together for a long time,but you were very young to be in such a committed relationship,as was i.we hasve two kids.later on down the road.we realized that our marriage was in trouble.we decided to bring in someone else.which looking back was a bigh mistake,because i don't feel we were mature enoungh at the time to handle that.or secure enough in our marriage to handle that.no,i have never wanted to cheat on my wife.wee bought in a couple to our bed,and needless to say this bought feelings to the surface.that eventually lead to our divorce.i think you are very young,and have only experienced this one person.i don't think that it is a good idea to bring someone else into the bedroom,at least right now while you all are having some issues,so.if your thinkg that will help it probably will not.counseling is a good thing,but you both need to be up front.make sure that you are both willing to save this relationship.i am sure alot of people hae had thoughts about other men,and women,but don't react to those thoughts.like my mom always said "it's okay to look at the menu.as long as you don't touch."most of all you need to do what is right for you.if you feel that your marriage is worth saving do so.if not you need to prepare yourself for what will come.​
     
  19. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Our situations are very similar, aren't they? Thank you for replying.

     
  20. bluekarma

    bluekarma Well-Known Member

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    Great, thanks. This is exactly the type of thing I'd expect from you. Hey! At least you live up to your expectations, being a complete ass of course. :rolleyes:

     
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