Married folks or those in LTR, please read.

bluekarma

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Thank you for your reply. No, I don't expect a fairytale....but I can see why it seems that way from my posts. One of the things I've always believed defines true love is how you can put one another through complete hell all day long, yet still want and need to get into bed together each night. We have been through tons of rough spots, and without him I couldn't have survived it. The rough spots are what test a marriage, without that ocassional upset how would we know we were alive? So I think what we are going through is a major rough spot, and a lot of it is steming from my issues. I'm just thankful that I have an understanding man who is crazy enough about me to hold my hand and walk beside me while we figure it out.

Thanks again for your answers.

Patrick28 said:
Just a bit over 1 year.


Faithful? Yes. Never showing any interest? Yes. Never HAVING interest? No. Being married doesn't suddenly turn you into something besides a person. You're still going to be attracted to other people from time to time. The only thing that changes is you don't act on it.


No.


After just a year, I couldn't tell you. I'm honestly not even sure how to exactly define the "spark," as relationships evolve over time. Things become different, but not necessarily better or worse. As others have said, the biggest thing is just to not take each other for granted.


That's a tough one. At this point, I don't expect to be COMPLETELY fulfilled. It's not that she can't or won't satisfy certain things. It's just that we haven't had enough practice yet. :wink:


Sure, but it's only a fleeting thought. I don't think you can help from wonder ing "could it be better if..." but if you're really committed to your marriage, you make the effort to turn those "if"s into realities with the person you're already with. Nobody can change who somebody else is--who they already are was part of the deal--but as others have said, there are comprimises to be made that make things easier, i.e., "I know you don't like it when I do that, so I'll try not to if you try not to do this, which you know drives me nuts."

In the end, no relationship is going to be 100% perfect, so thinking about how another one might be is a waste of time.


Bullstuff. Being married doesn't shut down one's human nature. Unless somebody has no imagination whatsoever, I can't imagine that being the case. Of course, it all depends on to what extent you're talking about. It's a big jump from wondering to actively seeking.

curiousgirl, I know this probably sounds a little negative, and I may be way off since I don't know the whole story, but I get the feeling from your questions that you bought into a fairy tale and are now having a problem accepting that what you have doesn't stack up to that. Things are what they are. I don't care how in love two people are or how compatible they are or how little they actually argue, there's no way in the world two people are going to live together and merge their lives without a) some sense of the routine setting in and b) driving each other up the wall on occassion. The key is to blow off the unimportant stuff and focus on what is important.

Another thing that somebody else noted is that this is practically (maybe absolutely) the only person you've ever been with, and now you're probably wondering what else is out there. That's only natural, but I really have no idea what to tell you about that. Something I do think is great is that you seem to have a handle on exactly what it is you're struggling with, and that's going to make it infinitely easier to fix.
 

bluekarma

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The last part of your post re: her manipulating you, and you being the puppet government. That happens a lot with us...I suspect it may be a big part of the problem. Thanks for pointing that out....and thanks for your answers, seems you have a very deep love for your wife.

Love-it said:
Hope this helps to give some insight into other relationships.
 

bluekarma

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Mumzi - thank you so much for sharing this. Romance is so important, and I miss it so much. Like you said, it's hard being romantic when your Mommy and Daddy. I think we lost sight of that, we know we need to rediscover that part of our life. We had the most romantic night last night and ended up making love on a mountain overlook under the stars. Your post is very inspiring to me, so thank you.

Mumzi said:
One thing I see here is your age. You're at an age where many people are just beginning a marriage. You have been with this man since you were 14; is it possible you are feeling a little cheated. Is it possible that you didn't get the time to see other people and experience different personalities.

There isn't much you can do on the spur of the moment to fix that, but if you could acknowledge that, maybe you'd be able to see where those feelings are coming from.

As far as every day life; being married over 5 years and having young child is just about the time and place where every marriage seems to loose some passion. You are now mommy and daddy. You might even begin calling each other mommy and daddy.
This can be a difficult time in any marriage.

As to 1: I have always been faithful, yes. I have no desire to roam. We have been married 20 years.

2: the spark is not always there, we had some tough times in the beginning, and elaborate on that later.

We make time for just us. We have two girls about one year apart that are 18 & 19 so we have more time, but not always the privacy. We bought a huge motor home and we go for a week or two, or just 2 nights to the local park. Some are very beautiful. But doing things like walking at night while the warm summer breeze fills the air, is romantic.

Last year on valentines day he got me a generic card.
Well, in all fairness I am always complaining about people needing a holiday to buy a gift or tell someone you love them.
So, I got only the card.

Ten days later I get in bed and the pillow felt odd.
There was what looked like a card inside the pillow case.
I open the card and it was just folded card stock for the printer, but it said " happy I love you day"
Inside there was a joke shopping schedule to shop for various clothes and then I saw tickets to Paris.
We were going to Paris. It was sweet. A very nice 'I love you day'.


But you know, it would have had the same effect if it were
a day at the local motel.
I think you need to be close emotionally to be close sexually.


3: Our sex life is good. I am not as interested in sex as often as I used to be. The drive is there, and I enjoy it just as much; but in my 20's & 30's it was 2-3 times a week and my body was ready in just 2-3 days.
Now I'm just not horny again for 4 or 5 days. Sometimes longer. That doesn't mean we can't have sex, but I'm just not going to have an orgasm. My body doesn't need it.

My husband feels his sex drive has slowed some, although slow for him is skipping a day.
He says he would prefer to have sex when I am in the mood. He feels he enjoys it more.
There is a difference between not being in the mood at all, and just not horny enough to have an orgasm.
I still might want to make love, and I let him know that I can enjoy intercourse without an orgasm.

4: do I ever wonder if there is someone else out there? No, I can't say that I do.
I don't think anyone else could ever understand me the way he does.

I think you're asking this question due to your entire predicament. You didn't have the experiences many other women had. You really don't know if there could be someone better. You're problems are a little more complicated than the average couple who did have those years between 16 and 21 to date and experience life as an independent person.
Still, that is a separate issue from 'do I love him'.

But none of this means this marriage can't flourish or that you don't genuinely love this man.
I think a marriage [SIZE=-1]counselor [/SIZE]might go a long way to help you both put your cards on the table, recognize that being committed to someone so early in life might add to your doubts, and being a parent adds stress to any marriage. You need to sort it all out, then see how it feels from there.

When we were first married we had a difficult time. Maybe it was more me, and my expectations. I grew up in a distant family who had a great deal of money and not much love.
They sure knew how to fight though. It was a stressful environment.

When I married my husband, we didn't know each other that well. Sounds odd, I know.
He proposed to me 5 weeks after we met. There was an instant attraction between us.

When ever we had a disagreement, he was amazingly controlled. There was one time that I was very upset, I ran into the bathroom, locked the door and stood my back to the door and kicked it as hard as I could. Then I sat on the floor and cried.
His reaction was to say: "I know your upset, but I need you to unlock the door"
The calmer he was, the madder I got. He asked: "Please, unlock the door, if you don't I'm going to have to remove the lock, I just want you to unlock the door"

No, I wasn't going to unlock it and I was pissed because it seemed he was more concerned about the damn lock than he was about me. ( he was concerned about me, and worried because I had locked the door, I just couldn't see that)

Sure enough, 3-4 min later I hear tools and he is removing the entire door knob and lock.
He took it off and tapped the door, saying "knock knock". He was trying, but I wasn't seeing it. He asked if he could come in. By that time I was still on the floor and cried out. He was very calm and very sweet, he did every thing right but it took me a long time to understand that. I'm not always such a little bitch, but at that time I was 6 weeks pregnant and we didn't know it. I had awful highs and lows when I was pregnant.

I didn't understand his ways. I felt he was treating me like I was one of his patients.
I was his wife. I felt that if he didn't show emotion he didn't care enough about me.
Those 2 issues were difficult for me to overcome. He has more of a calm personality, and but I saw it as the psychiatrist coming through, and I wanted the husband.

It's very difficult to explain. To me that calm facade meant no attachment. He's calm around his patients, but he doesn't love them. I think I felt that he wasn't taking me seriously. This issue was a constant source of problems in the first year of our marriage.

But why would I want someone to be combative, loud, ill tempered?
Probably because that was what I knew, and even though it was not pleasant, it was familiar.
I also had to come to the realization that this was his personality. It didn't have much to do with his profession. I used to wonder, can a career influence a personality- or does one's personality influence one's career or career choice.
I've come to realize it was his personality. I am thankful he has that personality!
I also feel that the one thing that helped me, and our marriage was his ability to understand why I was over reacting so much. It was a tough time, but when you think about, that was a time when we should/would have been dating and getting to know each other.
We ended up getting to know each other early in our marriage.

I hope things work out for you. Marriage counseling is helpful. I think any couple who married/committed so young would have these problems. Maybe if you can get past that you can delve more into the relationship.
 

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curiousgurl, I think if you read enough of Mumzi's posts, you will discover just how wise and insightful she truly is. Love ya, Mumzi!!!
 

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curiousgurl said:
Thank you. I'm just wondering HOW you get back the passion? I did not know passion was something you could generate, either its there or not? No? I'm so confused.....not because of your response, just in general. Life sucks when you grow up.....

Dear Curiousgur...

I after i read your questions I conclude i could not help and decided not to participate in this thread.

Why? Because i failed in where you are trying to work..but at the same time I do care about your life and wish the best for you both from my heart!

But this soul shouting of you in the question above I have to answer it touched me deeply to come and tell my feelings:

I could not get the passion back it died...it died with indiference and a nonsexual marriage for 2 years...it die with boredon and lack of common interest..it die bcause we did not have tools to improve..it die bcause lack of fruitful communication...it die with our selfcenter and blindness..it die and we are still friends.

I never wanted to get married bcause i could not promiss any men to love him forever, i believe in marriages but as you say you are too I'm a difficult complex woman...to some men. I do get bored very easy I need intelectual and physical stimulation constantly...I had a good man but as many men react they insted of giving me no material things that i lack and crave deep inside he gave material things to compensate...he try to gave the world to me..but not his time and fruitful communication...I could not really talk or he did know how to talk to me, we just work in our business, make money and more to the future (and not enjoying the present..)..than I silenced inside and die as his woman and became just a sister and friend. But than the alchool and drugs came to the pictures i had no more respect for him and the worse part is that i did not share our situation with friends or family about his adictions bcause of respect for him...than i had a stress crises after 2y without sex and etc and that was more than enough I did not want live like was buried and sufocated. We had no kids together and we finally decide we were not good together even if we care deeply for each other - thats was the end.

My worse nightmare happened I failled my 5years marriage and dreams about it - my vows: when in sickness or in health until death take us apart...it died.. and I'm scare to choose 'wrong' again.I cant fail again and i have to work inside me and be a better person and etc plus I know I need strong sexual compatibility in a man, hell yes, I need a criative balanced man in life more sexual than workcholic- for sure !:rolleyes:

Hope something I shared will be helpful to you in some way.

Kisses:smile:
 

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curiousgurl said:
Great, thanks. This is exactly the type of thing I'd expect from you. Hey! At least you live up to your expectations, being a complete ass of course. :rolleyes:


Does one mean arse? I know a publisher if you do intend to write a book........ The life and times of a Grizzly Southern Girl! Available in soft back, bareback,very hard back and or course reality TV



Just British Humour!!!!!!!!:smile:
 

bluekarma

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Ooo,okay...British humor. I guess that's why it makes absolutely no sense to me :confused: .....and anyway, I am not grizzly!!!!

yorksguyuk said:
Does one mean arse? I know a publisher if you do intend to write a book........ The life and times of a Grizzly Southern Girl! Available in soft back, bareback,very hard back and or course reality TV



Just British Humour!!!!!!!!:smile:
 

IsTHATReal

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I would like to add in something here, but I don't feel what I am going to say fits in to the form you have so I am just going to pass on that, hope that is ok.

I have seen more people in the last 18 years (I am 38) marry and divorce then I remember, and that was just people my age and younger, friends and strangers... when I look to the older generations, it not much better.

One factor I think is people do live longer (much longer) then our evolutionary tool box can cope with, also our societal pressures tend to push us to make irrational decisions about "how this will look" or "if it is acceptable" - one thing I have found interestingly enough in older longer term couples is that they "allow" for "play" because they know (and this is accurate) that while the SO is playing (read, just having fun to a point, point though not crossed) that is not a reflection on the other person... for example: older women love to get attention from younger good looking men, even though they have husbands... why? because a woman does have a need to be thought attractive and capable of winning a man, and I have seen that once a woman feels she has lost that her self-esteme bottoms out... while a husband may try to help her with that, he is not capable because she wishes a "bare-bones" kind of affirmation from the general male public... it is also why women light up when a younger man pays them attention (mind you it's very rare for anything to "happen" in actuality" as both parties are doing what I would call self-therapy... the younger man gets from it the practice of interaction with a woman without the fear of rejection, the older woman get a nice companion for a dinner or just even conversation.. both are just really "playing" not "doing" or if you will "seeing what is out there without crossing a line... if the line was crossed the over all would be bad fore both parties... the woman would lose a providing man's affections, and the younger man might get a woman with which he can't have children as just one of many adverse outcomes... so it's why there is a line.

Men and Women both have the ability to deal with this kind of flirting and all... but the issue you might have is that you married young and didn't really practice this essencial coping skill... some have it right off, others I have seen pick this up after a few times at the altar... finally figuring out that the person on the otherside of them is not "the end all be all of life" but someone to work with... your partner... you don't have to be in love, but it's nice if you are... you don't have to feel sparks when you see them each day... that is just the way it is... people don't marry for romance, they have lovers for that... and romance (and I am Italian) is a nice wonderful thing that doesn't last... unless it matures into real love...

I am fond of this statement from a nice little moive... Falling in love is like a raging fire that consumes everything what being in love is, is what is left after... so you have to realize that anyone can fall in love... that is easy... being in love is just a state you find yourself in... and that is that...

So, one thing, if you are in love decide which it is. Then decide is it you or them or both of you, if it's you, then you can work on it just as you... if it's him and you then well takes a bit more work and you don't have total control, and by the way, if you say it's all him, you still have to factor in on it...

My own thoughts are that very young (18) marriages are tough to make work long term... it is now summized that the brain doesn't even stop developing til about the mid 30's... which means that person at 18 is only half mature mentally leaving one with the idea that unlike ages ago when everything was done at 18 the person you marry at that age might not be the person that person is suppost to be or will be when they are 30+, you could find yourself married to someone you don't even understand anymore, and not by anyone's choice but just the way of biology.

My advice would be this, figure out these things:
1 Are you both in love.
2 Do you both recognize that a third person (child) is now your first responsibility as parents.
3 Is the issues of "tempation' a common recurring thought?
4 How much do you trust your other partner to explore that side of themselves with your approval?
5 If you can as a suppotive spouse allow your SO to have that level of comfort, be it you or him or both of you, to know that if they are given that trust and some slack on the cords that they will not be hung by them.

I think you both need to develope a short term goal of trying to see what is going on with your feelings... if others are a temptation... try a night out when you go to a club or something, both take off you rings and make a agreement, your not there to cheat...you're there to see "how the other half lives" to mingle, talk and converse... have fun... come up with "bar names" and intro yourselves as brother and sister and talk to people... allow yourselves to see what and how other people react to both of you...

My guess is this, one you will come off this better friends, with a better understanding of where you are both and as yourselves and honestly probably will think... wow, I am really lucky NOT to be single still, and trying to live that life... but until you both see that, your not going to believe it when your own little voice is saying there is a world of wonder out there you're missing.

which brings me to the next bit, divorce... most everyone I can think of seems that they are not any happier when they are divorced then when they were wed... they are just alone rather then hitched... and most seem rather cynical about the whole thing after the fact. So I wouldn't recommend it unless there is abuse or something like that... then the people DO seem much happier.

I don't think you are facing anything millions of people face everyday... it will work out, keep yourself together, and take a look, have the hubby also... he will find a huge number of women looking at him for a house and paycheck.... you will find a huge number of men looking at you for a cheap night out... and forget your name the day after... and alot of drunk stupid people... but they all look exciting and interesting til you see them up close... that is where the issues become clear to see.

Best of luck, I think you will be ok, this is a phase... don't fear it, embrace it, explore it and come out stronger in the end.

Also, if you have nothing in common now... GET OFF YOUR RUT (and BUTT) and start doing NEW THINGS together to get some common interests again...and I mean both of you come up with things... if money is an issue or time, take you child with you... or get a baby sitter... cheap things are all around

For instance I do these things regularly without undue harm to the wallet

Wine Tastings (cheap, fun, informative...)
jogging
Beach time
Reading together
Cooking together (food network included)
Walks
Coffee/Cafe time
City Play house (very fun and support up and comming actors)
renting movies that I think I wouldn't like and then deciding I didn't or wow, surprise something I never thought I would like or knew.
Meeting and talking with NEW people and making connections...

CLEAN UP YOUR HOUSE and have people over from time to time... this is the number one thing you can do... if your not comfortable or don't have the space...

Join a group or form one of people like you that you can go out and mingle with... an after work on thursdays spouse friendly thing.

introduce your child to the world though your lives, your doing it anyway... make it a positive fun experience... when they are older this is the stuff they will always remember.

One YMCA that I used to work out at had this on the gym wall... "Children often fail to listen to their parents, but do seem to emulate them" - I find that true.

Ok, that is my novelette here...lol... I hope things work out, hang in there, marriage is a LABOR of LOVE... as they say... just have to make sure you love your work.

Hugs... best wishes... and putting in positive thoughts for you.
 

bluekarma

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ITR - Thank you very much for this post. Great suggestions, and very good points you made. This part in particular rings very true:

My own thoughts are that very young (18) marriages are tough to make work long term... it is now summized that the brain doesn't even stop developing til about the mid 30's... which means that person at 18 is only half mature mentally leaving one with the idea that unlike ages ago when everything was done at 18 the person you marry at that age might not be the person that person is suppost to be or will be when they are 30+, you could find yourself married to someone you don't even understand anymore, and not by anyone's choice but just the way of biology.

The one time I should have listened to Daddy (don't you hate this):

Dad: Sweetheart, I know you think you love him - but trust me you are so young to be settling down.
Me: But Daddy, I DO love him. And I can't live without him, I know this is what I want.
Dad: You are only 18 years old child, you don't know what you want. I'm telling you that you will both change so much by the time your 30 or 25 even, give it time, do your own thing for a while. You won't regret it.
Me: Okay Daddy, I understand.....*skipping off to next make out session with said BF, letting all advice given go in one ear and out the other*

WHY Didn't I listen to my Daddy???? To this day, he is ALWAYS right! Hindsight is always 20/20.

((sigh))

I am priting off all these suggestions, so that we can go over them together. Even the rings off @ the bar thing sounds like a neat thing to do.

Thank you so much for your kind words and positive vibes...I'll take all I can get! Take care...




IsTHATReal said:
I would like to add in something here, but I don't feel what I am going to say fits in to the form you have so I am just going to pass on that, hope that is ok.

I have seen more people in the last 18 years (I am 38) marry and divorce then I remember, and that was just people my age and younger, friends and strangers... when I look to the older generations, it not much better.

One factor I think is people do live longer (much longer) then our evolutionary tool box can cope with, also our societal pressures tend to push us to make irrational decisions about "how this will look" or "if it is acceptable" - one thing I have found interestingly enough in older longer term couples is that they "allow" for "play" because they know (and this is accurate) that while the SO is playing (read, just having fun to a point, point though not crossed) that is not a reflection on the other person... for example: older women love to get attention from younger good looking men, even though they have husbands... why? because a woman does have a need to be thought attractive and capable of winning a man, and I have seen that once a woman feels she has lost that her self-esteme bottoms out... while a husband may try to help her with that, he is not capable because she wishes a "bare-bones" kind of affirmation from the general male public... it is also why women light up when a younger man pays them attention (mind you it's very rare for anything to "happen" in actuality" as both parties are doing what I would call self-therapy... the younger man gets from it the practice of interaction with a woman without the fear of rejection, the older woman get a nice companion for a dinner or just even conversation.. both are just really "playing" not "doing" or if you will "seeing what is out there without crossing a line... if the line was crossed the over all would be bad fore both parties... the woman would lose a providing man's affections, and the younger man might get a woman with which he can't have children as just one of many adverse outcomes... so it's why there is a line.

Men and Women both have the ability to deal with this kind of flirting and all... but the issue you might have is that you married young and didn't really practice this essencial coping skill... some have it right off, others I have seen pick this up after a few times at the altar... finally figuring out that the person on the otherside of them is not "the end all be all of life" but someone to work with... your partner... you don't have to be in love, but it's nice if you are... you don't have to feel sparks when you see them each day... that is just the way it is... people don't marry for romance, they have lovers for that... and romance (and I am Italian) is a nice wonderful thing that doesn't last... unless it matures into real love...

I am fond of this statement from a nice little moive... Falling in love is like a raging fire that consumes everything what being in love is, is what is left after... so you have to realize that anyone can fall in love... that is easy... being in love is just a state you find yourself in... and that is that...

So, one thing, if you are in love decide which it is. Then decide is it you or them or both of you, if it's you, then you can work on it just as you... if it's him and you then well takes a bit more work and you don't have total control, and by the way, if you say it's all him, you still have to factor in on it...

My own thoughts are that very young (18) marriages are tough to make work long term... it is now summized that the brain doesn't even stop developing til about the mid 30's... which means that person at 18 is only half mature mentally leaving one with the idea that unlike ages ago when everything was done at 18 the person you marry at that age might not be the person that person is suppost to be or will be when they are 30+, you could find yourself married to someone you don't even understand anymore, and not by anyone's choice but just the way of biology.

My advice would be this, figure out these things:
1 Are you both in love.
2 Do you both recognize that a third person (child) is now your first responsibility as parents.
3 Is the issues of "tempation' a common recurring thought?
4 How much do you trust your other partner to explore that side of themselves with your approval?
5 If you can as a suppotive spouse allow your SO to have that level of comfort, be it you or him or both of you, to know that if they are given that trust and some slack on the cords that they will not be hung by them.

I think you both need to develope a short term goal of trying to see what is going on with your feelings... if others are a temptation... try a night out when you go to a club or something, both take off you rings and make a agreement, your not there to cheat...you're there to see "how the other half lives" to mingle, talk and converse... have fun... come up with "bar names" and intro yourselves as brother and sister and talk to people... allow yourselves to see what and how other people react to both of you...

My guess is this, one you will come off this better friends, with a better understanding of where you are both and as yourselves and honestly probably will think... wow, I am really lucky NOT to be single still, and trying to live that life... but until you both see that, your not going to believe it when your own little voice is saying there is a world of wonder out there you're missing.

which brings me to the next bit, divorce... most everyone I can think of seems that they are not any happier when they are divorced then when they were wed... they are just alone rather then hitched... and most seem rather cynical about the whole thing after the fact. So I wouldn't recommend it unless there is abuse or something like that... then the people DO seem much happier.

I don't think you are facing anything millions of people face everyday... it will work out, keep yourself together, and take a look, have the hubby also... he will find a huge number of women looking at him for a house and paycheck.... you will find a huge number of men looking at you for a cheap night out... and forget your name the day after... and alot of drunk stupid people... but they all look exciting and interesting til you see them up close... that is where the issues become clear to see.

Best of luck, I think you will be ok, this is a phase... don't fear it, embrace it, explore it and come out stronger in the end.

Also, if you have nothing in common now... GET OFF YOUR RUT (and BUTT) and start doing NEW THINGS together to get some common interests again...and I mean both of you come up with things... if money is an issue or time, take you child with you... or get a baby sitter... cheap things are all around

For instance I do these things regularly without undue harm to the wallet

Wine Tastings (cheap, fun, informative...)
jogging
Beach time
Reading together
Cooking together (food network included)
Walks
Coffee/Cafe time
City Play house (very fun and support up and comming actors)
renting movies that I think I wouldn't like and then deciding I didn't or wow, surprise something I never thought I would like or knew.
Meeting and talking with NEW people and making connections...

CLEAN UP YOUR HOUSE and have people over from time to time... this is the number one thing you can do... if your not comfortable or don't have the space...

Join a group or form one of people like you that you can go out and mingle with... an after work on thursdays spouse friendly thing.

introduce your child to the world though your lives, your doing it anyway... make it a positive fun experience... when they are older this is the stuff they will always remember.

One YMCA that I used to work out at had this on the gym wall... "Children often fail to listen to their parents, but do seem to emulate them" - I find that true.

Ok, that is my novelette here...lol... I hope things work out, hang in there, marriage is a LABOR of LOVE... as they say... just have to make sure you love your work.

Hugs... best wishes... and putting in positive thoughts for you.
 

bluekarma

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Gisella, It sounds as if you are very hurt by the turn of events in your marriage. I am sure one lucky man someday will sweep you off your feet and worship the ground you walk on. How could he NOT? You are precious. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I can only imagine how hard a divorce is, I hope I never have to find out. I consider every day a blessing and am thankful for the pieces of my marriage that are good. I know that whatever we decide it will be for the better...because we will be happy.

Thank you again....xx

Gisella said:
Dear Curiousgur...

I after i read your questions I conclude i could not help and decided not to participate in this thread.

Why? Because i failed in where you are trying to work..but at the same time I do care about your life and wish the best for you both from my heart!

But this soul shouting of you in the question above I have to answer it touched me deeply to come and tell my feelings:

I could not get the passion back it died...it died with indiference and a nonsexual marriage for 2 years...it die with boredon and lack of common interest..it die bcause we did not have tools to improve..it die bcause lack of fruitful communication...it die with our selfcenter and blindness..it die and we are still friends.

I never wanted to get married bcause i could not promiss any men to love him forever, i believe in marriages but as you say you are too I'm a difficult complex woman...to some men. I do get bored very easy I need intelectual and physical stimulation constantly...I had a good man but as many men react they insted of giving me no material things that i lack and crave deep inside he gave material things to compensate...he try to gave the world to me..but not his time and fruitful communication...I could not really talk or he did know how to talk to me, we just work in our business, make money and more to the future (and not enjoying the present..)..than I silenced inside and die as his woman and became just a sister and friend. But than the alchool and drugs came to the pictures i had no more respect for him and the worse part is that i did not share our situation with friends or family about his adictions bcause of respect for him...than i had a stress crises after 2y without sex and etc and that was more than enough I did not want live like was buried and sufocated. We had no kids together and we finally decide we were not good together even if we care deeply for each other - thats was the end.

My worse nightmare happened I failled my 5years marriage and dreams about it - my vows: when in sickness or in health until death take us apart...it died.. and I'm scare to choose 'wrong' again.I cant fail again and i have to work inside me and be a better person and etc plus I know I need strong sexual compatibility in a man, hell yes, I need a criative balanced man in life more sexual than workcholic- for sure !:rolleyes:

Hope something I shared will be helpful to you in some way.

Kisses:smile:
 

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*Update*

Counseling went well. I think there is lots of hope for us we just have to start being honest and talking these things out. We even talked about this site and my pics etc, he didn't care about it. He looked at the pics I had posted, and said "why don't you post, X Y Z pics- they are better". Honesty is the best policy, I suppose. Basically I need to stop keeping things from him that I think will hurt or piss him off. I was not being fair to assume how he would react. In his words, "Damn your a dirty little girl, but your MY dirty little girl" - so it's all good for now.

I appreciate all the PM's and replies the encouragement and support was a comfort (oddly enough :tongue: ). You guys are really great.
 

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curiousgurl said:
*Update*

Counseling went well. I think there is lots of hope for us we just have to start being honest and talking these things out. We even talked about this site and my pics etc, he didn't care about it. He looked at the pics I had posted, and said "why don't you post, X Y Z pics- they are better". Honesty is the best policy, I suppose. Basically I need to stop keeping things from him that I think will hurt or piss him off. I was not being fair to assume how he would react. In his words, "Damn your a dirty little girl, but your MY dirty little girl" - so it's all good for now.

I appreciate all the PM's and replies the encouragement and support was a comfort (oddly enough :tongue: ). You guys are really great.

What a guy. :biggrin1:

Congratulations on your recent breakthrough. I wish you both all the best.
 

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curiousgurl said:
He looked at the pics I had posted, and said "why don't you post, X Y Z pics- they are better".
interestingly my major relationship before this one ended in part because of this sort of permissiveness. he knew about all my flirtations, and encouraged me, without giving me any action at home. but on some level I wanted him to rein me in. I wanted to be special enough that he wouldn't share me. but he wasn't confident enough to initiate sex, let alone take control of our sex life in general.
 

bluekarma

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That sounds familiar. The part about taking control of your sex life. While I don't mind saying what I want and how I want it, it would be nice sometimes to just be thrown around and told what to do. With us, there is plenty of action going on at home, and I'm thinking that my permissiveness online, etc is all so new to him he is just trying to figure it out. He has asked me many, many questions and I think he understands my enjoyment. The attention, the rush that comes from knowing someone is watching and enjoying what you say/do. A good friend reminded me that working through something like this is a slow process. Of course I'd like to think that just because he knows about my needs he will accept them, however it's not that easy. He's got a lot to process and only time will tell if it makes us or breaks us. Either way, I can't and according to the counselor, shouldn't try to hide my desires because it will only form walls and build resentment between us.

I guess it goes to show that anything worth having is worth working for - God knows we are doing that. I'm so sick of talking and thinking and crying and comforting. In the end this is our LIFE were talking about, so we will do whatever it takes to get to a good place

sares said:
interestingly my major relationship before this one ended in part because of this sort of permissiveness. he knew about all my flirtations, and encouraged me, without giving me any action at home. but on some level I wanted him to rein me in. I wanted to be special enough that he wouldn't share me. but he wasn't confident enough to initiate sex, let alone take control of our sex life in general.
 

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curiousgurl said:
*Update*

Counseling went well. I think there is lots of hope for us we just have to start being honest and talking these things out. We even talked about this site and my pics etc, he didn't care about it. He looked at the pics I had posted, and said "why don't you post, X Y Z pics- they are better". Honesty is the best policy, I suppose. Basically I need to stop keeping things from him that I think will hurt or piss him off. I was not being fair to assume how he would react. In his words, "Damn your a dirty little girl, but your MY dirty little girl" - so it's all good for now.

I appreciate all the PM's and replies the encouragement and support was a comfort (oddly enough :tongue: ). You guys are really great.

:smile:

CG...only now I'm seeying the update! Its great and wish the best for both of you.

Kisses
 

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sares said:
I wanted to be special enough that he wouldn't share me. .


I think a lot of women want this. When people talk about open marriage, this is something that would bother me. I would be hurt if it was that easy for my husband to share me. I know I certainly don't want to share him.

I see nothing wrong with a little healthy jealousy.
My husband falls in that category.

The other day we stopped to get something to eat.
He went to the men's room, and as I sat there some guy stopped next to me and began the " didn't you used to work at XYZ". No, I sure had not! My husband came out of the men's room and stood right behind him.
I suppose the guy saw me look up at my husband and he turned around.
My husband said " I'm waiting for you to move so I can sit down with my wife".

He was casual, almost comical about it. But he made it clear that he was not amused.
 

incher2

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F 40

We have been married 21 years. Both faithful.

There have been times when things were hard. We have each at times felt our needs were not being met and that we were unsatified or unfulfilled with the marriage. These times did not last forever, and have been met at the otherside with greater closeness. They were usually resolved with patience, communication, working together, making needed changes.

It takes work and commitment during these times. LOVE is a verb first then feelings will follow. At times it is a matter of duty and commitment to keep on doing the right things, one can feel detatched even. Then things get better. I find that doing acts of love as a habit during these times will help. GEtting up to make breakfast, writing a note, buying a small gift, giving a backrub etc. Even if I do not feel that much like it.

It helps to remember why you fell in love with this person to begin with. Look at tome old alblums etc.

Remember is that some needs are to be met inside the marriage, and others are for you to fulfill on your own, and not every need is to be fulfilled by your spouse. Sex and physical closeness go inside the marriage obviously. It takes both partners to work together and compromise so the other can persue their goals etc. Example, career changes, usually take both partners rearranging goals, ditto with starting a business.

Often when folks are feeling annoyed at our spouse or if we feel that the marriage is holding them back, they conicidently find someone outside the marriage who seems to offer fulfillment, and has traits that are the opposite of those traits of the spouse that are annoying. THIS is TROUBLE with a capital T.

There was a time when my spouse was becoming quite overwieght, was working very long hours, and due to stress, and constant lack of sleep was a bit of a grouch to live with. At this time I had the attention of a very handsome individual I found attractive on many levels. This person seemed to offer everything my spouse lacked. Had I had a bit less commitment, I could have perhaps strayed. Once I was on the otherside of this infatuation I of course could see that that person has many faults, and despite good looks and the trappings of success, it would have been a real stupid move.

It is easy to start to blame the spouse for ones unfulfillment and then seek it in another person, instead of fixing oneself. IE, falling for a businessman, instead of finishing that incomplet business degree.

Talk, talk, talk. Talk about how you feel. Do not lay blame, unless there is a direct thing that the other is doing to cause pain. Do not discuss when either one is angry, wait. Be honest, and evaluate where you are failing the marriage.

Gaurd against letting bad habits in that keep you from getting stuff done etc, too much time online, too much tv, porn, lack of personal up keep, talking to girlfriends on the phone etc. Be realistic about goals and expectations. I know a woman who is married to a cop. She drives out and looks at 400K houses and lives and dreams large house. This could come between them if she is too unrealistic. This cops salary does not support such things even when added to hers. We all have our brand of unreality.

There are a great many books out there about men and women and the differences in what their needs are. Mars/Venus etc. OFten these are useful in starting dialogue between men and women. They are a nuetral starting point, not a cureall. Sometimes the checklists are a great way to have good conversations and the questions can help you discover things about each other in a less threatening way than just having a gripe session.