Married FWBs

[At.your.cervix]

I've been having an ongoing sexual relationship with a married neighbor for a couple of years now. It's nothing serious, just an occaisional fuck session when it's mutually convenient, like less than a dozen times a year. While we were always pretty friendly, she initiated the sexual element to it, and pretty much has been with her initiating each sexual encounter. Her husband is a nice guy, but not somebody who I'd call a "friend." I feel a little guilty about doing his wife on occaision, but as she's always the one who initiates the sex with me, I figure that if she's not screwing other guys as well, she'd be doing so if I wasn't around. The fact that she's a really amazing sex partner doesn't help me to say "no" to her offers either. I don't want anything more serious with her, and she feels the same way about me.

Have any of you been in a similar situation, and if so, how did you handle things?

 

[B_subgirrl]

I'm not quite sure what you're asking? Are you asking why we think it's okay to do it? Or how we managed the practicalities of it? Or how you should respond to the husband when you see him?

 

[At.your.cervix]

I'm not quite sure what you're asking? Are you asking why we think it's okay to do it? Or how we managed the practicalities of it? Or how you should respond to the husband when you see him?

I guess I was way too ambiguous with that first posting. 'Sorry about that.

I'm not concerned about the practicalities. We've only hooked up when it's been totally convenient to do so in a discreet way. And it's not like we have sex every day; we don't even have sex every month. We're not "lovers," as we don't make love, we just have sex. Really good sex. Neither of us are operating with any illusions of it being anything else.

I'm also not concerned about how to handle the situaution with her husband, as I crossed that bridge a while ago. It's a bit uncomfortable at the times when we're together, but we really don't socialize too much. He's a nice enough guy and all, but he's always been pretty much just somebody who lives in the neighborhood to me--outside of my trysts with his wife. I albsolutely don't plan on walking up to him and telling him about the mornings and afternoons I've spent pleasuring his partner.

What I am concerned about has to do with my own conscience. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have posted anything in the first place. I've been fucking this very hot woman on occaision, partly because, well, she's very hot: both in appearance, as well as in her carnal appetite. She's one of the best sex partners that I've ever experienced. She's a very petite woman who really gets off in an absolutely animalistic way on my not at all petite cock. And I love it. Yet she is married.

Normally, I don't go there. But I did this time, and have been doing so for a while now. I know that I haven't ever initiated a liason with her; it's always been her first move. I know that with her and I it's just fucking (OK, sucking, jacking, and a few other sundry activities); our hearts have never really been involved, and likely never will be. I also truly believe that if she wasn't sleeping with me on the side, there'd be another guy. Hell, there probably IS another guy as well.

But I still feel, not quite "guilt," but more a sense that what I'm doing is wrong. Wrong and knowing I still want to go back for more. I don't quite feel sleazy about this, but maybe that's just a product of my own rationalization. Dealing with THAT is what I was asking about. Have any of you dealt with that feeling, in a similar circumstance? And if so, what did you do about it? I guess this is what they mean by "cognitive dissonance."

 

[B_blessed boy]

i understand what u mean....somewhere in ur mind there's something saying that you arent suppose to yet because u arent the initializer and regardless of your participation this would happen you rather it happen with you because of how amazing the sex is.

In life people are going to be unfaithful, i have been told by friends in similar situation that things became bad only when they stopped pleasuring the married woman. she just needs some good dick every once in a while, and she has something u want too. now harm in that in my view....this isnt a black and white issue its rather grey. its like jacking off....u know its wrong (so ppl say) but it feels good and everyone does it sometime or the other.

 

[At.your.cervix]

Thanks. That's what's been going on in my mind. I haven't told any of my friends about this due to the fact that she's married and I don't want to take the least chance of shit hitting the fan. A little annonymous on-line feedback really can help with my inner dialog.

 

[B_subgirrl]

Thanks for clarifying AYC.

To be honest, I think most of what blessed boy said here are just excuses.

In life people are going to be unfaithful, i have been told by friends in similar situation that things became bad only when they stopped pleasuring the married woman. she just needs some good dick every once in a while, and she has something u want too. now harm in that in my view....this isnt a black and white issue its rather grey. its like jacking off....u know its wrong (so ppl say) but it feels good and everyone does it sometime or the other.

I think that a person's actions should always be consistent with their ethical values and morals. You know what you said about cognitive dissonance? Well that's exactly what happens when you aren't being consistent with what you really believe. I don't think excuses make things any better. They just cover up the guilty feelings until later.

I have had sexual relationships with people with partners before. It doesn't cause cognitive dissonance with me, because I am consistent with my ethical values. I'm okay with it because I am not friends with the partners, therefore I don't owe them loyalty and am not betraying them. However, if I slept with a friend's husband, I would never forgive myself, because I would be betraying my own values along with betraying them. I have in fact cheated on a partner of my own once. 11 years later I still feel guilty because it was the wrong thing to do and I betrayed my own value system when I did it.

But just because this is what works for me, it doesn't mean it will work for you. My value system is not yours. If you used my thought processes and they weren't right for you, it would be just as bad as using the earlier excuses. You need to find out what you truly believe and act consistently with it, even if that means giving up some really good sex. And be aware that my view isn't a particularly common one. Most people would probably say what you are doing is wrong. If that would make you wonder if you are doing the wrong thing, you probably ARE doing the wrong thing for you.

 

[At.your.cervix]

Thanks for the honest and thoughtful comments subgirrl. I wasn't feeling too bad about any of this until I mentioned it in a post about 2 weeks ago, asking when was the last time you had sex. In response, another poster said I was without any class. It made me think. A lot. I don't feel any particular alliegence to her husband, as I would a friend, but still he's a human being. Then again, I REALLY don't feel as if I'm taking anything from him. I would if there was anything approaching love between his wife and I. My morals here. I guess that's where the cunundrum lies: my morals versus the morals of others. While I like to think that my values are solely my own, I can't totally disregard the influence of others and their perceptions, as let's face it, that's where my morals initially started. And that's why I was probably looking for validation in here, after being put down for fooling around with a married woman. It all reminds me of Sartre who claimed once we are aware that we are in the gaze of another, we are forever enslaved by that glance.

Thanks again, for taking time for the thoughtful commentary and advice.

 

[need2bsexy2]

I had a FWB for a couple of years. Her husband had heart problems and took blood pressure medicine so he couldn't get it up anymore. We had sex once or twice a month and she was one of the women I was able to give vaginal orgasms with my dick. Quite pleasant!

One time they were over for drinks and I heard her husband say that he had been out of town the week before. I approached her in private and asked "Why didn't you call me?" She looked down at the floor and said "Because it hurts too much." Meaning that she had changed from a FWB to a lover. We haven't had sex since then and then they moved to another state which made the FWB thing impossible.

 

[B_subgirrl]

Thanks for the honest and thoughtful comments subgirrl.

You're welcome :smile: I appreciate the opportunity to talk about it myself.

I wasn't feeling too bad about any of this until I mentioned it in a post about 2 weeks ago, asking when was the last time you had sex. In response, another poster said I was without any class. It made me think. A lot.

I think it's good to know firmly where you stand on a matter BEFORE you get involved, but thinking sooner is better than thinking later. Good on you for actually doing the thinking, rather than just making the excuses and avoiding the matter.

I don't feel any particular alliegence to her husband, as I would a friend, but still he's a human being. Then again, I REALLY don't feel as if I'm taking anything from him. I would if there was anything approaching love between his wife and I.

I feel a similar way about my relationship with my FB. I have no desire to change, interfere with, or affect their relationship in any way.

My morals here. I guess that's where the cunundrum lies: my morals versus the morals of others. While I like to think that my values are solely my own, I can't totally disregard the influence of others and their perceptions, as let's face it, that's where my morals initially started. And that's why I was probably looking for validation in here, after being put down for fooling around with a married woman. It all reminds me of Sartre who claimed once we are aware that we are in the gaze of another, we are forever enslaved by that glance.

I know mine came largely from my mum. And didn't realise until I was 19 or so that I'd picked up quite different morals from the majority of people my age.

I don't think you'll ever get validation as such. I've learned not to expect it, and to accept that I feel differently about this to others.

Thanks again, for taking time for the thoughtful commentary and advice.

Again, you're welcome. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss it more in private.

One time they were over for drinks and I heard her husband say that he had been out of town the week before. I approached her in private and asked "Why didn't you call me?" She looked down at the floor and said "Because it hurts too much." Meaning that she had changed from a FWB to a lover. We haven't had sex since then and then they moved to another state which made the FWB thing impossible.

This sort of thing is a danger in all (most?) FB/FWB relationships. When they have a partner I see it as a total no-go area. I am terribly fond of my FB, but if it ever became anything else, I would need to end things quickly. I have no desire to interfere with their relationship, or put myself through the pain of wanting what I can't have.

 

[Drifterwood]

Morally it might make a difference if you know the person being cheated on, but ethically it doesn't. You are fucking someone else's partner without their consent. If you have a problem with that, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. My personal attitude that it is her choice, you're just a convenient cock on the other side of the fence.

Whatever the ethics and morals, the practicalities are that IMO this is just too close to home. The world is full of hot women, I'd cast your net a little wider.

 

[B_625girth]

better hope he never finds out. he could come busting thru your door sometime when you least expect it.

never been in your situation, altho I have had 4 married women in the neighborhood hit on me over the years. one was desperate for another child and wanted me to impregnate her. the most recent was last summer, she wanted me to mow her yard while she and her husband went to Mexico. she wanted me to use her mower, and had to give me mower instructions, etc. right at the end, she grabbed my forearm, and pulled herself close. put her other hand on my hip, glanced at my package. "you've always been so sexy." I said, 'thank you' and stepped back. few women here are capable of being discreet. good luck.