Married gay men: how do you initiate sex?

8

801253

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Because here is the deal: my husband and I haven't had sex for 6 weeks now. When I start to talk to him about it, he is dismissive (don't want to further the conversation) and says "You are the one with an issue, I am fine".
Then, he voices that he tried to have sex the other day, but he wasn't feeling great, so he gave up. Detail: he very often doesn't feel great.
I asked him "that's ok, we can wait until you get horny." His response was puzzling: I don't know when will that happen, because historically, when I am horny you are tired and vice-versa. He said he doesn't have to be horny to be ok to have sex, he may get horny maybe later when it is happening.
This is such a devastation to me. His undertone indicates that we don't have sex because I don't know how to initiate and/or have the timing for it.
All the venting aside, HOW DO YOU, IN A +7 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, KEEP SEX ALIVE AND INTERESTING? DO YOU OFTEN COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER'S BODIES? ARE YOU STILL HORNY ABOUT EACH OTHER? IS SEX SCHEDULED AND PLANNED ALL THE TIME?

Please, help me out.
 
1

1013903

Guest
Because here is the deal: my husband and I haven't had sex for 6 weeks now. When I start to talk to him about it, he is dismissive (don't want to further the conversation) and says "You are the one with an issue, I am fine".
Then, he voices that he tried to have sex the other day, but he wasn't feeling great, so he gave up. Detail: he very often doesn't feel great.
I asked him "that's ok, we can wait until you get horny." His response was puzzling: I don't know when will that happen, because historically, when I am horny you are tired and vice-versa. He said he doesn't have to be horny to be ok to have sex, he may get horny maybe later when it is happening.
This is such a devastation to me. His undertone indicates that we don't have sex because I don't know how to initiate and/or have the timing for it.
All the venting aside, HOW DO YOU, IN A +7 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, KEEP SEX ALIVE AND INTERESTING? DO YOU OFTEN COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER'S BODIES? ARE YOU STILL HORNY ABOUT EACH OTHER? IS SEX SCHEDULED AND PLANNED ALL THE TIME?

Please, help me out.

I can understand. do you want to have a illicit affair?
 
5

502855

Guest
Been with my partner 18 years. Sex has ebbed and flowed. In general my partner has a higher sex drive than me, however I have more compulsive porn use and often jerk off solo and then feel less compelled to initiate sex.

We can find ourselves in exactly the situation you describe. When we do, to get us back on track, we’ve found it takes:

a) honest conversations about how we are feeling, what stresses we are under, what assumptions we are holding about the other and our sex life, what complaints or frustrations we are holding back.... basically to clear the air and truly, non-judgementally hear what the other person is expressing.
b) an active, deliberate commitment by both of us to prioritize sex. We agree to always speak up and state when each of us is horny. We commit to making time for sex everyday or every 2 days for a month.
c) a commitment to create more intimacy between us. This can be more hugs and making out, making an effort to go to bed and wake at the same time, spending time hanging out together naked. It involves identifying what issues, thoughts, conversations kill the mood for one or both of us and knowing to push those aside in favour of intimacy and sex. It also involves spending less time solo watching porn and jerking off. Often, these moments can lead to better, more connected sex.

It is important that you both realize that underneath the “we’re not having much sex” conversation is often a need to feel loved and wanted, for intimacy and consideration, for greater connection.

What I hear you say above, and something my partner and I run into a lot, is when both of you decide independently that the other person doesn’t want sex.... “you said you were tired so I knew that meant no sex tonight”... “you just wanted to keep watching this Netflix show, so I thought you weren’t interested”... “you hurt yourself earlier so I decided I would just jerk off later when you were asleep/busy/out”

It is important to bring these assumptions out into the open, acknowledge the missed communication, and commit to communicating your desire more openly around being horny and wanting sex.

As for initiating once actually naked and in bed... we usually begin with hugs, stroking one another and gently playing with each other’s cocks... sometimes we keep this going for 30mins or more before moving onto sucking, 69ing and eventually fucking.
 

KennF

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Because here is the deal: my husband and I haven't had sex for 6 weeks now. When I start to talk to him about it, he is dismissive (don't want to further the conversation) and says "You are the one with an issue, I am fine".
Then, he voices that he tried to have sex the other day, but he wasn't feeling great, so he gave up. Detail: he very often doesn't feel great.
I asked him "that's ok, we can wait until you get horny." His response was puzzling: I don't know when will that happen, because historically, when I am horny you are tired and vice-versa. He said he doesn't have to be horny to be ok to have sex, he may get horny maybe later when it is happening.
This is such a devastation to me. His undertone indicates that we don't have sex because I don't know how to initiate and/or have the timing for it.
All the venting aside, HOW DO YOU, IN A +7 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, KEEP SEX ALIVE AND INTERESTING? DO YOU OFTEN COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER'S BODIES? ARE YOU STILL HORNY ABOUT EACH OTHER? IS SEX SCHEDULED AND PLANNED ALL THE TIME?

Please, help me out.

First, understand that this is not uncommon. In fact, it is more common than not.

In a long term relationship/marriage, you can be assured that one person's libido will not be as active as the other person. It is just a truism that every couple will deal with on and off.

Here's the thing, from my perspective, spontaneous and mutually horniness sex can be fantastic, but rarely happens. During the early stages of a relationship, the sex is used to enhance intimacy. It is often used in place of intimacy, until the partners can be more vulnerable with each other. When we accept that we are getting intimacy without the need for sex, a deep abiding love blooms.

As that happens, the libido level is no longer heightened to fill that emotional gap. Hence, it is a LOT more common than you think that couples reduce their sexual activity as their relationship develops and matures.

The reason I say all this, is to help you understand, that if you love each other, then occasionally, you need to 'plan' your sexual encounters with each other. 'Seduce' your partner. And most importantly, even if you aren't feeling horny, if your partner tries to initiate sex, accept that he is horny, and go ahead and give him what he desires. Get him off.

And if you are horny, don't be coy, or subtle. Be willing to say, honey I'm horny and in the mood for sex. Accept that he may not be horny, but willing to put out for your pleasure. As he said, he doesn't have to be horny to engage in sex.
 

Thedrewbert

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Been with my partner for 11 years. Sex isn't as frequent as I would like, but being in an open relationship, I have other opportunities if I want then. I don't do it often, but it's nice to have there.

Sometime initiating sex is as simple as sending him "" via a text message, even if we're in the same house.
 

headbang8

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Interesting. Generally, one of us gets naked, or just whips it out. That’s the only cue we need to give. The other follows suit. If one is feeling horny and the other isn’t, the frisky one simply takes mattes into his own hands. But that rarely happens. The unhorny partner can usually muster some token enthusiasm and offer a bit of light-duty participation. (My husband is a handsome guy, and just seeing him act sexy makes him hard to resist; he says the same of me). That may sound blasé. But not sweating it, taking the pressure off, works for us.