Married To A Gay Man

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by sweetmissy, Jan 15, 2009.

  1. sweetmissy

    sweetmissy New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2009
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Tennessee
    I will soon be going through something I never would had dreamed: divorce #2. I married my husband confident we would spend the rest of our lives together, raise a family, and work together towards our dreams.
    I found out after three years that my husband has a same-sex attraction and had been intimate with a man during our marriage. The first blow was that he cheated, and then, as the shock wore off, I started thinking about the fact that it was with a man. Both became hard to swallow, since one big reason I married my husband was that I trusted him more than I had ever trusted anyone else and thought that I was all he ever needed and wanted.
    In the beginning, I wanted to learn how to live with him and the gay issue, instead of learning how to live without him. Over time, I learned he wasn't being honest with me. Even after we had talked and talked and talked, things would still pop up and I would feel betrayed that they hadn't been disclosed. I lost the trust in him I had once had, and every blow made it harder to see that ever returning.
    The complexity of it all completely blew me away. At first, he claimed it was just curiosity and didn't mean anything. Over time, he admitted he had been visiting gay porn sites (because I stumbled across them)and that he was probably bisexual. I love this man and we have a daughter together. Now what? He claimed he would be able to commit himself only to me, but I thought that was what our marriage was about in the first place. He hesitated discussing the subject, and I needed to talk about it. Finally, he admitted to not knowing who he really was and needing to figure it out.
    I will soon be filing for divorce, not because I want to but because I have to. I feel that, if I stay, he would not release himself to figure out who he truly is or what will make him truly happy. I wanted “us” so bad that I thought I could ignore the gay issue, but something wouldn't let me. Something inside knew there was something deeper that needed to surface and I couldn't pretend, or it would just surface later and I wasn't sure I would survive later. I am barely surviving now.

    Has anyone gone through this? Please give me advice. Am I doing the right thing by divorcing him?
     
  2. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    8,104
    Likes Received:
    33
    I believe you are doing the right thing for both. First for you, because the nerves are eating you and you get stressed and that isn't good. You clearly don't trust him anymore. And you are right, he should not cheat on you.
    But it is also best for him, so he can found out what he wants, because I believe this isn't easy either for him too. Be friendly to each other, make a deal to support each other and decide that you both have to be there for your daughter!
    Good luck!
     
  3. hungthickone

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Messages:
    122
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    127
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Destin (FL, US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    Sounds like your married to a bi-curious or possibly bi man. That is, if he enjoys sex with you, he cant be gay. Gay is a lifestyle. Homosexuality/hetrosexuality/bisexuality are sexual prefrences.Many Bisexual men live a str8 lifestyle. Most I would say, dont even like fem guys at all.
    But most are just bi / bi-curious, and want a str8 lifestyle.
    Thats who they are, not gay.
    Sounds like most hetro women think that if their man had fooled around with a woman they could deal with it better for what ever reason.
    I know that if my wife slept with a another woman it wouldnt make her lesbian, nor would I be as jelous as if she had been with a another man.
    I would know that what she had a craving for was something that I couldn't give her. Do you really think he just woke up one day after having had yrs of wonderful sex with you and decided he didnt like you anymore and would like to have sex with a man. Dont take it so hard to your sexuality ego.
    I think he prob feels the same for you as always.
    Sometimes these things are represed and kept in the closet for many reasons.
    Dosent mean he's not in love with you . Seems like your missing an opportunity to have a lot of fun most ppl never get.
     
  4. Charles Finn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2006
    Messages:
    2,538
    Albums:
    3
    Likes Received:
    29
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toledo Ohio
    I wish you and your daughter the best
     
  5. ledroit

    ledroit New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2005
    Messages:
    854
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Sounds very tough. Sorry to hear you're going through this.

    I actually have a very close friend who's a real bisexual. He gets misunderstood both by gays and straights, but is genuinely, happily married as far as I can tell. He told his wife he and I had been involved on their first date, and doesn't hide the fact that he's bisexual.

    It wasn't a problem until they hit a rough patch, and she was refusing to have sex. He figured that other guys jerking off would be a safe relief, since he had no desire to get emotionally involved with them--just wanted to get his rocks off and got bored jerking off on his own. He's a pretty honest guy, and tells the truth about getting emotionally involved. He likes jerking off, and doesn't have any hang-ups about a gay guy giving him a blow-job at the gym, like some other guys here also do.

    His wife is only concerned about 3 things: 1) that he tells her the truth and treats her right inside their marriage; 2) that he does not expose himself or her to any health risks or other kinds of risks by doing something stupid with his cock; and 3) that he stays focused on their marriage, relationship, and life together as the primary place of intimacy, love, sex, etc.

    I think it works primarily because he is a very honest guy emotionally, confident of himself, and is in love with her. He's just a horny guy, has a big dick, is good looking, very astute psychologically, sensitive, but has decided he's not going to behung-up about recreational sex. He comes from a culture in which it was sort of expected that men would have mistresses or things on the side now and then. But as long as they remained faithful to their wives as well, it was just a way to let off steam--not much different than a boys' night out playing poker.

    I do know that sex can have very different meanings for women and men sometimes, and women seem less likely as a rule to be interested in recreational, meaningless sex acts. Maybe because a guy can jerk off or be jerked off in just a couple of minutes flat, anytime, anywhere--I don't know.

    But for me, the real issue would be emotional trust, and whether I really know my partner or not.

    Gay guys face this issue all the time, since they do and can genuinely marry each other (even if others don't recognize it as a marriage) in all senses of the term. But they have to learn to tolerate the occasional cum shot in the gym showers, or some guy jerking off with them or their partners for no reason at all--just to enjoy jerking off together, or getting or giving head.

    As a guy, I've done this plenty of times--had sex just for the hell of it, with absolutely no intention whatsoever of either falling in love with somebody or getting them to fall in love with me. That's a kind of business/life decision I don't take lightly--either to start up, change, or break off a relationship that is going to be central to my life.

    It's easier for me because I'm gay, not a true bisexual. I used to fall in love with women, and always liked sex with them, until I realized I get more deeply involved with men. They awaken my passions and fidelity more than women do, for whatever reason.

    I don't know how I would handle being bisexual, or what I would want to ask of a wife or husband if I were. That is the sort of thing that only the two people who are actually involved can figure out.

    But for you as one partner in the marriage, the primary questions would have to be about your husband's character, I think. Only you can know what kinds of things you need to have or experience in order to trust someone completely, and you do need to trust someone completely in order to make the kind of investments marriage requires.

    I would do therapy, both on your own and as a couple, if you haven't done this already, and really explore things thoroughly. If you both have integrity, and tell the truth, and can stay focused on reality, the rest might sort itself out, and you will know what to do on both sides.

    It probably helps if you also both live in cultures that are not distorted when it comes to sex itself (like no religious homophobia, for example, and no taboos about gay or recreational sex in your own families or social circles). If you do live in a more homophobic environment, the risks of a guy who is primarily gay trying to persuade himself or a partner that he's bi or straight increase, for obvious reasons, and make the rest messier than it should be.

    Hope you have people you can trust to talk face-to-face about this stuff too. It's a lot to process, and personal interactions are very important when it comes to processing powerful things.

    Have you told others about this, or thought about therapy or a support group?
     
  6. Gl3nn

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,457
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Somewhere in the universe
    You're divorcing him because you want him to get to know himself and release his inner self. You want him to be happy and you're prepared to give up your marriage for that. That shows how much you care for him and how very brave you are.

    I hope things work out and don't forget to prepare your daughter for it (if she's old enough).


    Good luck and I'm sure things will work out.

    G
     
  7. fortiesfun

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
    4,692
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Don't make a decision in haste. Lots of people go through this, and of those many divorce, many do not. There are some success stories out there of people who have learned to trust again or rebuilt their relationships in more honest ways that acknowledge love for each other within the complexities of human sexuality. (I am a married gay - or bi - man, who has been through some rough times but have a great marriage to a wonderful woman who has learned to accept me for who I am while I have learned to act within the boundaries of her trust.)

    There are some really great resources out there. Your husband should get in contact with HOW (Husbands Out to their Wives) which is a discussion group that can help him learn to deal with the realities of the situation, and help him to consider you wants and needs by hearing from others who have made it work. You might consider reading Buxton's The Other Side of the Closet, which does a good job considering all aspects of the situation. It also tells you the typical pattern of the discovery, the drama, the rebuilding, etc.

    Now saying that staying together is the only way to go, but if you love each other I'd consider whether an unconventional but loving relationship beats being alone, or in a loveless but socially acceptable one.
     
  8. sweetmissy

    sweetmissy New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2009
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Tennessee
    Thank you for the advice. We have had sex very few times in our marriage. I suppose you would call it "pitty sex". At the time, I did not know what was going on, I complained weekly about the lack of sex. So, this is where we are. It's very hard for me because he is a great guy and truly cares about me. I can't help but think if I were out of the picture, he would find himself. He wants to stayed married but I miss the intamacy too much. It's been four years since I have been held the I feel a woman should be. At times I question myself, am I being selfish? Lately I have thought about looking outside the marriage and have come close which goes against all morals I hold to myself, however, I wanted to feel wanted again.
     
  9. nudeyorker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Messages:
    42,918
    Likes Received:
    37
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NYC/Honolulu
    I have read the advice you have been given, what you do is ultimately up to you. The important thing for you to remember is that none of this was your fault. There is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome of the current situation.
    You do however have control over the outcome of the rest of your life and how you live it. If you feel it would help; find a discussion group or another venue for support.

    For the sake of your daughter I hope that you and her father can maintain a respectful relationship. I wish all of you the best during this difficult time.
     
  10. hungthickone

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Messages:
    122
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    127
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Destin (FL, US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    You should not feel selfish. you deserve to have that feeling of being desired and loved as much as he does. Sounds like he was hoping to be something he just cant. You sound like a wonderful person and I am sure your daughter, later in life, will respect you more for finding true happiness, than trying to keep up a sham marriage.
    When couples stay together "for the childern", its no good for anybody.
     
  11. hungthickone

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 25, 2007
    Messages:
    122
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    127
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Destin (FL, US)
    Verified:
    Photo
    By the way, how did you wind up on this site?
     
  12. CALAMBO

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2008
    Messages:
    2,028
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    OHIO
    dear sweet...so sorry for the situation...after 4 years if you have truely exhausted your marriage then yes you must set yourself free, please do not abandon your husband, keep him close but different, he can no more helpself than you can helpyourself...we are what were are, acceptance of others can be a struggle...yes you dersrve a happy life, but know the grass is not always greener elsewhere, if you can say you have tried your best, move on as he will...fantasy is part of mens life...without it we would all suffer, a charity fuck does not make a marriage work as you have found, good luck dear.
     
  13. flame boy

    flame boy Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2008
    Messages:
    8,889
    Likes Received:
    5
    You're not alone there are many people who have been in similar situations. I think you are doing the right thing by seeking a divorce, I don't think it is selfish but maybe you could talk openly and honestly with you husband about why you are planning to take this route. I think it is better to be a single woman before you begin to look for someone to have an intiamte relationship with.

    I hope that you are your husband can remain friends, even if it is for the sake of your daughter. Just as you have, he must have gone through some very hard times lately so your support for each other would surely be a good thing. Best of luck to you both.
     
    #13 flame boy, Jan 15, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2009
  14. sweetmissy

    sweetmissy New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2009
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Tennessee
    Thanks for your advice and time. I really do appreciate how the people on this site seem so caring! I found this site on a search engine. Thanks again.:smile:
     
  15. Smartalk

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2008
    Messages:
    1,730
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    8 miles outside of Manchester
    It is a very difficult time for you and one that many people would envy. No one else can truely know what your or your husband is going through at this moment it time, emotionally, mentally and physically. Yes you both need time and space from each other to consider all aspects of this discovery. Personally I would suggest a trial separation, giving yourselves that time you so desparately need. Divorce is very final and will subject you both to even more stress and upheaval, which is the last thing you want at this time.

    I speak from experience having gone through an identical situation myself my wife felt exactly as yourself, understandably so. She asked me to leave and then filed for divorce, 6 years on she now wants me back having regreted making the decision she did and has since blamed that fact on one of my children. However my life has moved on even though my wife still live in hope. If we did get back together there would alwasy be that mistrust and suspicion in the back of her mind. Plus after 6 years of living on my own (yes no boyfriend, partner or relationship) would be very difficult.

    Your husband like myself is not blameless in this matter, far from it, but he will be in turmoil deep inside wondering what his sexuallity is and what he truely wants plus feeling guilty about the pain, upset and anguish he has put you through and the effect/ impact it will be having on your daughter.

    All I advise is you give yourselves that time and space before making that drastic and final move. Not saying you will, but you could live to regret having done so.

    If you want to chat further please feel free to send me a private message, happy to help you both all I can.

    Good luck to you both, hope all works out for you all the way you want it to.

    Sincere regards

    Smartalk xx
     
  16. dspann

    dspann New Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2008
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Awesome advice and insight. You have helped many with this.
     
  17. bguy

    bguy Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2008
    Messages:
    255
    Likes Received:
    2
    My heart goes out to you. The person who you trusted most in the world betrayed that trust by hurting you deeply. I know how that feels. The only way that the two of you can reconcile your marriage successfully is if he earns your trust again by being honest and faithful. Unfortunately, he's chosen to continue lying to you. It's the death of a thousand cuts as each new revelation sends you reeling all over again. He has proven to be a very untrustworthy person, so there is no reason for you to trust him anymore. I do not believe that your expectations (spend your lives together, raise a family, work together towards dreams, have sexual intimacy) are selfish or unrealistic. Since he cannot even agree to those things, much less provide them, I think you have no choice but to divorce. Although it will be painful, it will be far less painful than continuing to be strung along by someone who says he wants to stay married but doesn't want to meet your needs. Believe me, I know how miserable it is to be in a marriage like that. I think you have put up with more than anyone would expect and no one would think less of you for divorcing him.
     
  18. sweetmissy

    sweetmissy New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2009
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Tennessee
    You are wonderful and your advice is appreciated. I may take you up on your offer. Thank you for your time:smile:
     
  19. thadjock

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2006
    Messages:
    2,675
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    271
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    LA CA USA
    u entered into the contract in good faith , your husband didnt'. you were betrayed, you should be pissed, and maybe i'm too harsh but i don't see how you work around that and go on with a real realationship.

    i have a friend going through your situation in reverse (str8 guy, married a lesbian) and what people don't understand is that denying who u r stops being a victimless crime when you abduct others into your deceit. u ruin many lives when you use people as props for your "i'm really str8" show.

    as a footnote: i can't imagine how people wander into these relationships in the first place, is it just a total lack of communication from the beginning or is it outright deception? in my friends case the writing was so obviously on the wall EVERYBODY but him saw it coming.
     
  20. azdude83

    azdude83 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    16
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Wow! This post and the responses have been phenomenal. I must say, a lot of you have experience and knowledge that I do not have. Although, I can give a perspective from the child's view. (I'm 25, btw)

    When I was in high school, I found out my step-father was bisexual. Now, he wasn't my biological father, but we was as close as you can get to one. It was a shock to me at first, and I initially thought my mom was going to leave him. But she didn't. To this day, it amazes me that she stayed with him for many years after... and then she left him just a few months before he died in 2007. I don't know the fundamentals of their relationship, but I do know they loved each other and they kept the relationship going. They weren't in it for the kids, because they had none together.

    I never brought up the topic about him being bisexual, because I just think it's gross talking about your parents sex life. But, there were times when my mom and I would get into verbal fights, and I would throw low blows about her husband being bi. Then, she would do the same to me... except about me being gay. (Talk about good family dynamics huh) So depending on how old your daughter is and what type of relationship you have with her, my suggestion is to hold off on telling her. But if she does ask, tell her. Kids know when you are lying to them, it's not that hard to put 2 and 2 together.

    Best wishes in whatever plays out :)
     
Draft saved Draft deleted