Married with or without Children. Trapped?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by widenine, May 24, 2008.

  1. widenine

    widenine New Member

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    For all of you Married Men who are secretly bi or gay and "not out", but inactive.

    How do you handle that inner stress/struggle that comes with family respect and fidelity? Note: Please don't say that you turn to the lord for strength :)
     
  2. Rubenesque

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    It breaks my heart when people feel they can't be themselves, for whatever reason!
     
  3. Lex

    Lex
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    Widenine--I have been married and have two young children. My partner is also formerly married with two grown kids and a former step-daughter as well. I recall the struggle, even though my (ex)wife helped me figure things out and was extremely supportive of me. When I slowly realized I was not straight, I went through a period of "transitional bisexuality" before finally realizing I was, in fact, gay. The percentages under our names change under all posts when you change your profile or you would be able to see this change over time with my post history.

    I think it all depends on what you want out of life. If you can stay married and be happy, by all means do so. If you are unhappy, then my best advice would be to find it within yourself to come out. Yes, it is terrifying. Yes you will lose friends and family members. I have experienced all of this. And I can tell you this: the people left standing around me are the ones that have always truly loved me and are fiercely loyal. And there is no greater feeling than loving yourself and living the life you were meant to live.

    For me, I wanted to set the example to my kids that it is okay to be who you are and you should not hide your true self. Honesty is, in my opinion, best, even in a world that is not always ready to face it. My kids now have friends who are not allowed to come over because I am gay and they (and their friends) think that is stupid. Little by little, being honest with ourselves and each other changes the world for the better.

    Please know that there are MANY MANY gay fathers and mothers around. There are even groups that support them. If you need more information, I am happy to dig up some resources for you, but I might need a little more info. Feel free to PM me.

    HUG.
     
  4. Rubenesque

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    Lex - it's one of the most important messages you can give a child. That they don't have to conform to the "norm" that they are individuals in their own right. Well done... and what a legend of a wife you have!!
     
  5. Lex

    Lex
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    Thanks Denise--it has not been an easy journey to be sure, but it has been the most rewarding adventure of my life. And you are right., Mrs. Lex (as she is called here) is the most amazing person you have never met.


    This is the thread I started when I finally was ready to say "I'm gay."

    I have not updated it in a while--but I go back from time to time to remember how far I have come.

    http://www.lpsg.org/28570-again-coming-out.html
     
  6. WhiteZombie

    WhiteZombie New Member

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    No one's wed against their will. This kinda thing is seriously something people should consider before ever saying "I do".
     
  7. widenine

    widenine New Member

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    WhiteZombie,
    Forgive me if I'm reading too much into your reply, but I'm interpreting a tone of disdain or disapproval.... even misunderstanding about the complexities of relationships. You know, it's really not about Marriage at all. But you're right about the "I do", which exists in every committed relationship.

    I said "I do", and I'm really glad that I did. My post had everything to do with valuing my relationship, keeping the "I do" in tact while staying balanced. Is that so hard to understand?
     
  8. Phil Ayesho

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    Well I would say the question is whether you are "gay" or "Bi".

    If the former... then you may never be really happy with your wife.


    If the latter, then the next question is, do you love your wife?

    If not, then you are back at square one, above.

    And if yes.... then ask yourself what is your position on fidelity?


    Although I have bisexual fantasies and thoughts... I love my wife and would never cheat on her simply because she doesn't have a dick and I happen to also enjoy dick.

    I am sure that heroin would make me feel great, too... but that doesn't mean I have to indulge in it. ( and yes, I am likening indulging in forbidden and different sexual practices on the side to taking an addictive drug )

    There is a difference between knowing who you are and purely self centered hedonism....

    I suppose I buck the trend in that I can not agree that life is "ALL ABOUT YOU".

    We live in a society of fellows. We have mates who we have made agreements with.

    We either live up to those agreements... or we honorably dissolve them...

    But it is not okay to simply disregard them in favor of what our dick has to say.

    You can try and discuss the situation with your wife.... she may be more open to it than you know...
    Or it might lead to an inevitable dissolution of your marriage.

    Only you can answer the question of whether getting some cock is worth all that pain and all that money.
     
  9. WhiteZombie

    WhiteZombie New Member

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    Yeah, I'd say I disapprove. That doesn't mean I have a hard time understanding relationships. If you and your wife have something "set up" and infidelity is welcomed, then that's great. But it'd be kinda low to screw around behind her back, don't you think? I enjoy the company of both genders as well, but a promise is a promise. If you can't keep your word in something that's supposed to matter so much, then how can you claim to keep it in anything?
     
  10. D_Beau Chutzpud

    D_Beau Chutzpud New Member

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    Phil Ayesho - VERY well said.
     
  11. widenine

    widenine New Member

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    Phil Said:

    I am sure that heroin would make me feel great, too... but that doesn't mean I have to indulge in it. ( and yes, I am likening indulging in forbidden and different sexual practices on the side to taking an addictive drug )

    Personally,

    I agree with your comments with the exception of the above. I believe the to be unrelated... actions from one stem from who you have always been. And in the case of heroine, actions stems from poor "choice" and self indulgence.

    Anyway, The point that I presented has still not been addressed by the posters. The responses are opinions about whether or not an individual should, in fact, cheat. My question is for individuals who live the scenario presented. And the request was for coping mechanisms that these individuals have successfully used to keep their commitment in tact.

    Perhaps those who have posted so far could respond from that perspective?
     
  12. Rubenesque

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    I disagreed with the bit about a gay man never being happy with his wife. Not true..... maybe never happy sexually would've been more accurate
     
  13. bigbull29

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    Not letting yourself be who you are kills the soul.

    Do whatever it takes to be yourself: relocate, find like-minded people, support group, etc...

    There is hope for everyone.:wink: Lex has proved that. He was in one hell of a situation and is now finally the beautiful cub he's always wanted to be.:smile:
     
  14. Jasper72

    Jasper72 New Member

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    never married, but...
    BE HONEST with the person you are with (your spouse/SO).

    If need be, go seek the advice of a therapist or trusted confidant that can help you come to terms with what is going on in your head before you talk to your spouse/SO.
    Hopefully, you can come to an understanding.

    Nobody else really needs to know what you are doing in your bedroom, do they? (parents, siblings, children)


    If/when you do decide to seek relief/release outside your marriage, set up certain parameters that you will always adhere to, like:
    -ALWAYS practice safe sex!!!
    -keep your private/home life away from your outside activities (unless the wife is involved and consents, like MMF)
    -NEVER bring anything home. (lovers, stds, etc)
    -if your spouse asks you to be honest about everything, or asks you never speak of them, abide by their wishes.
    -and anything else you find reasonable.

    Be honest with yourself.
     
  15. Phil Ayesho

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    based upon what evidence?
    People who have the genes that make them more readily addicted are in far more danger from ANY kind of Drug use... that is something that you always had...from birth...

    But you make an unsupported assumption that "sex with men" is something you have always been...
    \And that is not correct...
    Wanting something is not the same as doing something.

    You can live the rest of your life without ever having sex with a man and it won't harm you one bit.

    Anais Nin wrote that exotic flavors spoil the palate for ordinary ones.

    When you decide to indulge in sexual adventures that are exotic, (i.e. gay) you make it harder to respond to those sexual experiences that are more familiar, and by that very familiarity, dull. ( i.e. sex with your wife) this dynamic can drive the choice to become Gay. ( in situations where it is not clear from the outset)

    THis is how people get into sexual "addiction"... which is not exactly like heroine addiction... but similar in that it can take over your life, and become the focus of your actions.



    I think I did address that... the only scenario in which it is really an issue is if you are truely Bi and Truly in love with your wife.

    In which case I pointed out you could address the issue with your wife and perhaps see how she feels about a lifestyle that would allow for your interests... at the peril of her being freaked out and it ruining the marriage...

    Or you can suck it up and be faithful.
    Not screwing other men is no different than not screwing other women.

    As to tricks on how to accomplish this?

    Fantasize all you want...beat off to gay porn.... the same things all men do to try and keep faithful....

    There is no magic formula to achieving a good character... Its a life's work.

    Character is the bridge you build between the man you are... and the man you strive to become.
     
  16. D_Beau Chutzpud

    D_Beau Chutzpud New Member

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    Phil Ayesho, you have made a fan here.
     
  17. widenine

    widenine New Member

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    based upon what evidence?
    People who have the genes that make them more readily addicted are in far more danger from ANY kind of Drug use... that is something that you always had...from birth...

    ? What would prompt a person with an "addictive personality" to choose drugs in the first place? You don't just wake up one day and say I need
    to use a drug. Once exposed, your argument may be true. In fact, until exposed, you can live an entire life without feeling the need to do a drug.



    But you make an unsupported assumption that "sex with men" is something you have always been...
    And that is not correct...
    Wanting something is not the same as doing something.

    How can you know what has or has not been for another person. Perhaps that is true for you. Only I know when the first urge and attraction occurred for me. And it may be that I didn't recognize it as such when it actually happened.



    You can live the rest of your life without ever having sex with a man and it won't harm you one bit.

    Sounds like you believe same sex attraction is a choice. I'm just wondering what you would say to your child who needs guidance as he or she is feeling the presence of "that which can be ignored".
     
  18. Kimahri

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    I knew a guy that was gay and had two healthy boys. It turned out his wife was a lesbian.

    I really feel for bi guys. I thought it would be cool to be attracted to both sexes. It comes down to a lot of conflict for a lot of those guys. Gay guys are put off by bi guys and their wives / gfs aren't keen on the idea of their man with another man.

    I'm kinda stuck not being myself in my relationship, so I deeply feel for those guys that are stuck too.
     
  19. Phil Ayesho

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    Umm... kinda the point I was making... You don't know if you are going to become addicted until you CHOOSE to indulge... at which point it may be too late.

    Ergo, why would you make a conscious decision to experiment sexually when you don't know it if will make your current loving relationship unfullfilling?



    You miss the point... I don't care when you felt the urge... there is a difference between FEELING that urge and INDULGING that urge.



    That is not what I said at all... I said what you CHOOSE TO DO is a choice.

    Sorry... but its a fact.

    If I had a son who seemed to have attraction to males I would discuss it with him and make him understand that he has the option of exploring those feeling without fear of my disapproval.

    However... that is not the situation you presented.

    You are MARRIED.... with CHILDREN....

    You have already MADE those choices and now your actions are not entirely your own... they affect the lives of others. ( not only emotionally, but financially )
    You have a responsibility to the choices you have made, to the promises you have made.


    If you think you are gay then you must get out of the relationship that you entered into falsely.

    If you are Bi... then you have to CHOOSE... to either try and explore that bisexual side, at the peril of your marriage... or to remain faithful to your wife and family.


    I am not judging that choice... I am merely explaining the potential consequences.

    If you explore gay sex, you will find it exciting and novel and stimulating... but not necessarily because you are gay... it could well only be because it is novel.

    You would have the same reaction to getting into S&M with your wife ( if that interested you) Getting into extreme sexuality with your wife would have the same effect of making normal sex seem duller by comparison.
    You could easily become unable to orgasm without the more intense stimulation of S&M...

    By the same token, even a passing fascination with male on male sex, if indulged, will make sex with your wife seem dull by comparision... and could result in you no longer being able to be satisfied by her.

    It could well be a mistake to assume that its because you are more gay than straight... because the novelty factor, the forbidden factor, is largely what will frame your initial response.


    These are the facts of how humans react to new stimulation.
    Especially in men who are over a certain age... they tend to seek more intense stimulation to maintain the sexual performance that came naturally when they were 20.

    Take it for what its worth.
    I am merely giving you the benefit of long observation and many years lived.
     
  20. Lex

    Lex
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    Miserable people make for horrible spouses and worse parents.

    I am a better partner and father for finally understanding who I really am and living in a way the expresses rather than represses my truth.

    Not every gay or bisexual person gets married under false pretenses.
     
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