Mate's partner tempting

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Captain Elephant, Sep 16, 2011.

  1. Captain Elephant

    Captain Elephant Active Member

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    I'm back working in the studio and who should walk in this week but an old acquaintance from almost 20 years ago. He was also a bass player in another band we were touring with back then, one of the only married guys in the whole group. And that's where the problem came in. His wife accompanied him on the tour and she was always backstage, onstage during rehearsals, on the bus and in the hotel. Being soft and nice-looking she was pretty popular, and she and I became close - closer than I wanted to be actually. It was apparent that I was becoming very attracted to her and she showed the same for me. This was during my free-form lifestyle period, but I swore I would never wreck a marriage - especially a mate's.

    But she was the first one to make a move and I freaked out on her. Damn, I felt absolutely horrible at the time, but I knew I had to do it. So that was it. After the tour was over about three weeks later I never talked to either of them again. I've heard about him and we both kept up with each others careers, and arguably he's become much more successful, but I've never tried to reconnect, and neither has he.

    And now he's recording here, and I'm helping produce.

    He's been friendly, but it's been all music, gear,sound, direction, etc.

    I'm trying to be as professional as can be but still this was a mate and he wasn't directly involved in any wrongdoing. So the dilemma: do I even bring up personal stuff like how's the wife (assuming they're still together) or remember the fun we had?

    So far we've only had a single session, but he's coming back next week for a couple of more. Usually I entertain the artists with drinks and meals, but I'm kind of reluctant in this situation and could easily pass him off to another producer. That's kind of an overreaction on my part, but it's a real feeling.

    Normally, I have a level head about personal dealings, but I'm a little too close to the situation to think clearly about this. I even bounced it off my wife, and even she's at a loss. Of course she asked "Was she pretty?" I told her I don't do ugly chicks, but for some reason she didn't take it as the compliment I meant, even if it was tongue in cheek.

    Came home tonight and she has the iPod plugged into the stereo, and what should come blaring - "Tempted by the fruit of another." She's got a nasty streak.
     
  2. monstro

    monstro New Member

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    The past is the past. Sounds like you've done nothing wrong. Let it go.
     
  3. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

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    You did the right thing back then. Unfortunately, even after twenty years, even now happily married, this lady touches a nerve, apparently. Do the right thing again. Don’t try to find out what your mate, her husband, knows. As the two of you work together, just do what is normal. You’ll be happier if you don’t try to reconcile anything; don’t try to fix anything. As the old saying goes, just let sleeping dogs lie [not that I’m calling any pretty ladies, dogs].

    At some point, if you work together enough, if you’re around together enough, I suppose some mention of a wife will come up. Either he and she are still together, or not. If they are and it works out that you don’t encounter her, it’s probably best for you.

    Personally, I think you have a great advantage with your wife. I’d ask her to pitch in and stick to me like wallpaper if it happens you and this lady are in the same room.

    I’ve had my share embarrassment. This is one of those situations where you should just have it appear there is nothing – have it you can’t much even remember. Nothing happened then. Apparently something happened to your feelings. That’s true. We don’t want to be dishonest persons, but not every truth need be hung out to see. You deserve admiration for being honest with your wife; I don’t think anyone can do it better. You’re ahead. Stay there.
     
  4. B_crackoff

    B_crackoff New Member

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    See, this is what happens when you screw around! Someone always gets hurt.:wink:

    Don't Screw Around - YouTube

    You've got 2 more sessions - I'd suggest a little honest heads up -AFTER the next session. It's music man, it happens! Try & find out if she's still with him - if she is -don't bring it up whatsoever! If she is - bring it up tell him you felt like & were a piece of shit, & hope that enough water is under the bridge.

    You've lost 20 years with someone you used to get along with - you've got a lot to catch up on.

    One thing - do not introduce him to your wife -yet. You know exactly how that stuff goes:eek: even people with the best intentions can't help trying to balance the universe themselves.:smile: And he is a bass player...

    What about getting him a case of his favourite drink, for all the birthdays, new years & fun you've missed together?

    Now that would swing it for me! It would show thought, care, a fiduciary investment & booze - something that is always appreciated by men, the world over.
     
  5. molotovmuffin

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    Seriously, keep your mouth shut and let sleeping dogs lie. You did nothing wrong other than getting emotionally attached and even then, that isn't always a bad thing.
     
  6. Captain Elephant

    Captain Elephant Active Member

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    Thought you deserved an update. My co-producer and I had dinner with him last night. It was primarily to talk about the upcoming sessions, but of course talk got personal. They divorced about a year after our tour. She's been married three more times. He got divorced for the second time two years ago.

    So a giant load has been lifted, and I realize that it is completely emotional on my part. My lovely bride has been a strong rudder on this one, and her efforts have been very similar to yours, so thank you for the validation.

    It's really good to finally focus on his project because he has a lot to offer. I thought I knew everything about music, but it's amazing how much one can learn when the defense walls are down. Very interesting turn of events.
     
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