Mature Lady Needs Advice on Finding a Lover

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by ArtofDesire, May 4, 2011.

  1. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    Hello, I am a mature, 100% straight single woman. I hate to admit this publicly but it has been years since I have had a sexual partner and when I confided this fact recently to a friend they suggested that I explore the possibility of finding a recreational lover. So I decided to start this thread to see if I could get some advice on how best to do that.

    My questions are mainly targeted to the LPSG women but I'm open to hearing what the men have to say too.

    I probably should state that first and foremost my preference is to enjoy a relationship with a man on a long-term loving basis and for him to be a friend to share things with, to go out and have fun together, but until I am lucky enough to find such a man I would be willing to explore a "friends with benefits" type relationship. Admittedly, I have no experience with this type arrangement, nor do I know how to even find such a man so any advice would certainly be welcome. I'm also at a bit of a disadvantage because I am new to the area so I don't know a lot of people or places to go. I'm not into the bar scene - been there, done that when I was younger.



    I know there are many women on this forum who have recreational lovers, partners, and “friends with benefits" type of relationships so my questions are as follows but please feel free to comment on any I have failed to think of:
    1. How do you do it? Meaning how do you find someone that you feel comfortable enough to sleep with if you don’t already know each other and have an easy friendship?
    2. Also, how do you keep from getting emotionally involved? Do you find that one partner or the other gets too attached, possessive or territorial? Meaning they don’t necessarily want to date you, but they don’t want anyone else to either, they want you all to themselves? Do you find that romantic emotions develop even though that was not the intention going into the relationship?
    3. What are your experiences in this type of relationship and do you have any suggestions as to how I might go about finding someone?
    Any advice is welcome!
     
  2. nicenycdick

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    I can only give you a man's viewpoint on this. I've been involved in that kind of a relationship and it is wonderful...and very complicated. It is essential for me to care about the woman I sleep with. This means that I have to establish some kind of connection before anything else could happen. But one thing being older gives you is the ability to quickly recognize that "spark" when it happens. That's what to look for. And it is important to find something about him that hits that passionate spot...sexual or otherwise. After that, you just have to make sure he can spell well enough to avoid embarassment.

    The more difficult part is finding where it fits into your life. Since I started with some real connection with the person, I found that it led me to feel extremely conflicted about the depth of the relationship. What made it easier to deal with was that both of us were married...and intended to stay married. So there already was no expectation of fidelity, although neither one of us searched for other partners...things were complicated enough, I guess. But there are really no rules for this kind of thing, and you sorta have to make 'em up as you go along.

    That relationship is over now...due to factors unrelated to our desires. But I don't regret it for a moment, even the hard parts. I encourage you to seek out someone who can generate that feeling in you. It will make you feel young again!
     
    #2 nicenycdick, May 4, 2011
    Last edited: May 4, 2011
  3. helgaleena

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    Try getting a profile on OKCupid. It's very intelligently put together by Harvard grads and free and they have filters for location. They continually put forward local people even though I am not seeking lovers, only pen pals atm. From there you can easily arrange to meet at a local neutral spot such as a coffee shop.

    One thing that bothered me a bit about it there is the huge numbers of matches they turn up even when I'm not seeking locals in particular. And they insist on a real-time photo of yourself instead of one of my paintings, even if it's a self-portrait.
     
  4. CALAMBO

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    Dear ART...i applaud and admire your decision to go for a FWB..I see nothing wrong with it...I am recent divorced..and have been investigating same....The issue of baggage presented with folks our age is my fear...I do not want drama and other peoples problems..just good hard sex to relieve the stress of the day...If i was near you I def would volunteer for such services...J
     
  5. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    Thanks nicenycdick, yes, I imagine there would be complications, but it sounds like you also found it beneficial because presumably you were getting a need met that would not be achievable otherwise.

    Like you, I have to care about the person I sleep with, so I'm glad to hear that I am not alone in that fact, and I think that's what makes it difficult to find someone, especially being in a new geographic area where I don't know many people. I'm not one to just go out and have sex because I have a physical need, or even because I happen to like sex a lot - but that doesn't mean that I don't want to.

    Helgaleena, thanks for telling me about OKCupid. I will check out the site and probably post a profile.

    To both, your comments are helpful - thanks!
     
  6. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    Thanks Calambo. I've been single for many years and have no children so I have no baggage to carry into a relationship and prefer not to have to deal with any drama either so I understand your sentiment.
     
  7. AlteredEgo

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    We aren't in the same age group, but perhaps my experience will be relevant anyway? I hope so. This turned out longer than I intended. I'm putting a summary at the bottom, in case you don't want to read all of it.

    When I was single for the first time as an adult, I was heartbroken. My ex had hurt me more deeply than I had known was possible. He also used to fuck me 8 or more times a week, and I needed to replace that sex. Bad. Some friends wanted to cheer me up, and one ended up doing some awesome things to my hair. Another took me shopping. She noticed I'd lost weight and none of my clothes fit. So, it came to pass that the day after my ex and I split, I had new hair and new clothes. That night, I put on some make up, took some self portraits with my shitty webcam, and posted what I hoped was a playful and sexy ad on match.com.

    The next day the hottest guy I have ever seen (even to this day) had sent me a funny, friendly message and his AIM. I added him right away, and IMed him as soon as he came online. He asked for my number, we talked. He was easy to talk to, and we made each other laugh. I told him I wasn't interested in any men making me promises I wasn't capable of believing they could keep. He told me he wasn't looking for a girlfriend or drama. He sent me some pictures that showed off his amazing body, and asked me to send some full length photos. I turned on that terrible web cam. He sent me a picture of his car, and we set up a date.

    We met for drinks, decided neither of us was out to kill the other, and he drove us to his place. I sent pictures of his plates to a waiting friend of mine before accepting the ride. Never get into cars with strangers without some kind of safety plan. My friend had photos of him and his plates, as well as his number and address in case I disappeared. She also called me a few times.

    We pretended to watch some DVDs and fucked over and over. He reiterated that he didn't want a girlfriend, and I nodded. He relaxed and pulled me in for a snuggle, and after he told me a bunch of dark secrets (which was emotionally confusing, but also cemented our friendship) he told me how much he loved the sex and hoped we could make it regular. We got together at least once a week for years after that. We're still friends, both in relationships now (I'm married) and we have agreed that it is safe to talk on the phone, but there is too much chemistry to ever be alone together again. I have one other relationship very much like this one, except we can be, and have been, alone together. I met both of these guys at match.

    I met tons of guys online when I was single. I was very promiscuous. I had a near-constant rotation of four lovers, but those first two I met on match.com were the only two who never changed. Other lovers came and went.

    Part of maintaining an emotional distance was maintaining a physical distance. Anytime someone got too close, I just didn't see them for a little while. A week or two was usually long enough. Another part was that constant rotation. It is hard to fall in love when you fuck someone different every other night. And even though I love those first two men, I never told them I loved them until we stopped having sex. My love for them is platonic; I didn't want to confuse anyone. Now I tell them all the time. "Wear your helmet, Motherfucker. I love you." "You be good to the man in the mirror. I love him, you know." They have met (and hate) my husband. We'll always be friends.

    I had a lover get a little too possessive. He didn't get my new number when I got a new cell phone.

    Men are everywhere. I was just friendly and available, and wrote down numbers all the time. I made the advances, and I set the rules. "I don't want to be your girl. I'm not looking for love. I'm not looking for a one-night stand. " If they didn't like those terms, they could find the next chick.

    Sometimes, very rarely, I played wingman for one of my lovers. It was kind of fun. It helped keep things in perspective. In another life, I might have married him. But it wasn't the right timing. If I had gotten too close at that time, I would have just gotten hurt.

    So. The summary of my advice is: Be fun and available. Be open to meeting men in your environment as well as online. If you want to meet men online, take pretty pictures, and write some flashy copy. The goal is to give a peek at your awesome tits and your awesome personality. Once you meet some interesting people, make sure they are the kind you can be friends with. Make sure you are honest about what you want, and what you are open to. Do not compromise. Get exactly what you want on all counts. See as many men as you can handle at a time. If you have three or four suitors, no one can get closer than you want. Or, if you want a boyfriend, see fewer men at a time, and choose well. Define and defend your boundaries. When it stops being fun, move on. Lie if you have to, but get out, and move on. Do not tolerate or create drama. Do not resist intimacy, it only improves the sex. Just do not confuse friendship for love.
     
  8. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    AlteredEgo, that's awesome advice! Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

    I'm open to reading as much as anyone cares to post.
     
  9. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    As to the statement I've quoted above, I see how that would work well if my desire was that clearly defined but for me it's not quite as cut and dry.

    I don’t want to say I’m not looking for love or I don't want to be someone's girlfriend because ultimately that is exactly what I want. I haven’t been scarred or carry any baggage from previous relationships so I'm not afraid of taking a chance on love, or even of making a commitment for that matter. I'd love to find someone who can and wants to love me but I've just not met that man yet so until then it seems like a friend with benefits might be a good solution to the problem of not getting any sex.

    But I can definitely state that I don't want any one-night stands. That is totally not me.
     
  10. Drifterwood

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    My guess is that AE is one in a thousand, probably more.

    But not to dwell on why I like her so much, you have to be wholly conscious of your own wishes, and if you are not and not sure of those of a prospective "partner" within these terms, I would advise that you say no, given that you state that you are not interested in one night stands.

    I have had three disasters recently with NSA lovers, so currently I am out of my preferred lifestyle because it simply hasn't worked to give emotionally within a sexual context and romantically within a personal nature without leading to expectations that were supposedly off limits from the outset. With exceptions, I suppose it is a human nature thing.
     
    #10 Drifterwood, May 4, 2011
    Last edited: May 4, 2011
  11. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    That is definitely a concern for me, especially since what I really want is to be in a long term, loving relationship with a man. I'm kind of afraid that once I start having sex with him that I'll get emotionally involved and end up getting hurt. Especially since I'm the type that has to feel something for my partner in the first place.

    As stated earlier in the thread I'm not at all afraid of taking a chance on love but we're talking about two different types of relationships and what if I accidentally allow the lines to blur and fall for the guy even though he's only in it for the sex? It seems like kind of a tricky type of relationship that can either be great or back fire on both parties.
     
  12. helgaleena

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    Don't skip the making friends first, in that case. If you don't jump the bones of near strangers it's a lot less easy to be hurt. Friends will more likely to keep communications clear and let you know if you are getting in too deep. They will also be more likely to be what they say they are.

    On the other side, one night stands will get you more sex faster, with more risk of all sorts. You know how you want to play it and can balance the two extremes, emotion and action...
     
  13. D_Kitten_Kaboodle

    D_Kitten_Kaboodle Account Disabled

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    I personally think you should be straight up that first and foremost you are looking for someone to satisfy an natural need (sex) in your life, but good chemistry is a requirement. And number two, you are also looking for a long-term potential relationship that can be defined as you go along....both people agreeing to terms of relationship...

    By not defining the "potential" long-term relationshp of something more than casual sex, you are doing both of you a dissservice (whch you made reference to and I whole heartedly agree.)

    I recommend staying away from married guys if you are looking for more eventually, even for 'fun' in the beginning....


    my situation is completely different... there is nothing there but sex, but I have rules and follow them closely. And the sexual chemistry is a must!! I am so terribly picky its not funny... but not having a difficult time finding what I need, and enjoying the hell out of them... and they me... then we kiss goodbye and go back to our own lives. None of this texting every day to see how each other is doing, emailing 20 times a day or jealousy/ownership.

    What you are ultimately looking for is way different from what you are saying you want first and foremost, so you gotta be honest with the guys....I'd hate to wake up one day and have one of the guys knocking on my door with more excpectations that what we defined at the beginning of the relationship.

    good luck art.... sex is out there.... and so is love... but remember they are (can be) two totally different things
     
  14. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    Thanks FancyPants you make very good points and are helping me to understand how I need to define what I am looking for, much appreciated.
     
  15. AlteredEgo

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    I got to a point in my life where I was closer to where you are now. So those rules changed. It was more like. "I'm not looking for us to become a couple, but I'm open to it if the feelings are there for both of us. Can we have a good time and see what happens?" But unfortunately, what happened then was frequently that one of us felt more than the other, and it fell apart. Painfully. Most of the time it was still smooth, it just didn't lead beyond regular, casual sex. Twice, the guys were not honest with me about their desires, wrongly believing they had to make me think there was a potential for more when there wasn't. That was awkward in the end. I think they may have both had girlfriends already.

    I married a man who started out as a friend. There was sexual attraction, but no instant magic. The magic came later, as we fell in love. We are not the most sexually compatible, but it is a lot of fun being married to your best friend.

    The important thing is to know your boundaries, define them, and redefine them as they change, and to defend them. And most of all, to be always honest and open.

    Those first two men, the ones who are still friends? We are friends because there was room for real friendship in our relationship, and because we never ever lied to each other.
     
  16. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    AlteredEgo I agree it's very important to never lie to someone. Lies are always exposed at some point and can kill a friendship or romantic relationship. Honesty and openness is so very important.

    I recently quit dating someone because I knew he was hiding something from me and when I asked him about it he said he couldn't (not wouldn't) talk about it. Then I caught him in an omission of fact over something silly that would not have made any difference to the relationship, but it made me distrust him that much more so that was the last time I saw him.

    I think one challenge is understanding and defining what it is I really want and need. Do I search out sex, friendship or emotional fulfillment? I want it all, but from what you're saying it sounds like I really should define and set boundaries and hold myself to them. What I am hearing is that I cannot go into a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship hoping that it would turn into more. Or as FancyPants pointed out at the very least I need to be upfront about my desire for such a possibility.

     
  17. nicenycdick

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    Hey, heyy! Don't disparage us married guys! At least you KNOW there is not going to be more!

    I am only half-serious. I wholeheartedly agree, Fancy (even if to my own detriment!) If what you really want is a fuck buddy who can, even remotely, turn into a serious, committed, exclusive partner, then do not seek your sexual satisfaction from a married man. Although the excitement, sex and romance might be there, the hope for a committed future is not. If you can't handle that...don't go there.
     
  18. ArtofDesire

    ArtofDesire New Member

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    I think it's best if I stay away from the married guys, although there is one married LPSG member for whom I would make an exception in a heartbeat, but sadly he's the one that won't go there so I'll just have to look some more.
     
  19. love2trybig1

    love2trybig1 Active Member

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    I am sure you are beautiful and you would be a great woman to have
     
  20. Drifterwood

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    Not in my experience. Two of my three disasters were/are married women. I thought what you are saying, but was wrong.
     
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