Mature Lady Needs Advice on Finding a Lover

D_Kitten_Kaboodle

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Hey, heyy! Don't disparage us married guys! At least you KNOW there is not going to be more!

I am only half-serious. I wholeheartedly agree, Fancy (even if to my own detriment!) If what you really want is a fuck buddy who can, even remotely, turn into a serious, committed, exclusive partner, then do not seek your sexual satisfaction from a married man. Although the excitement, sex and romance might be there, the hope for a committed future is not. If you can't handle that...don't go there.



hehheeee... I think we agree to agree nicenydick (LOL) you understand my point completely...

Given that Art is looking for something different (in tbe long run) than me... how 'bout stopping by to see me sometime :wink: ( a weak Mae West impersonation)....
 

B_subgirrl

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Hey, heyy! Don't disparage us married guys! At least you KNOW there is not going to be more!

I am only half-serious. I wholeheartedly agree, Fancy (even if to my own detriment!) If what you really want is a fuck buddy who can, even remotely, turn into a serious, committed, exclusive partner, then do not seek your sexual satisfaction from a married man. Although the excitement, sex and romance might be there, the hope for a committed future is not. If you can't handle that...don't go there.

I'm with you completely. Married guys are a bad idea if you want more than just sex, but if sex is all you both want, they can be a good solution.



I think one challenge is understanding and defining what it is I really want and need. Do I search out sex, friendship or emotional fulfillment? I want it all, but from what you're saying it sounds like I really should define and set boundaries and hold myself to them. What I am hearing is that I cannot go into a 'friends with benefits' type of relationship hoping that it would turn into more. Or as FancyPants pointed out at the very least I need to be upfront about my desire for such a possibility.

If what you really want is love and commitment, you may find you have trouble with a FB type relationship. FB relationships seem to work best for people who can easily separate sex and love.

My own experience is somewhat similar to AE's. The main area in which we are different is that I would never have the courage to use online dating sites, and all my FBs have started out as friends, or at worse, as friends of friends. None of them have been random pick ups.

Like AE though, I have had a number of FB relationships. Currently I have three, two of which have been going for over a decade (with a long break in the middle).

In some of my FB relationships (past and present) I fell for the guy a bit harder than I intended to, but when I bombarded myself with logic (we would never work well together, etc), the feelings eventually passed without causing any problems.

In some of them the guy fell for me harder than either of us wanted. When that happened I always told them that I was flattered by their feelings and that I felt a lot for them, but that I didn't want the relationship to change. That gave them the opportunity to walk away if they wished to (they didn't).

Only in one have I had major problems keeping the emotions separate. On LPSG I refer to that one as the FB-With-Blurred-Boundaries (or similar). We were 'together' for around 2.5 years. It started out as a simple FB relationship. Over time I started to feel more for him and told him so. Nothing changed. He didn't seem to want the relationship to change. I think he wanted to have the best of both worlds - a committed partner (he though,t due to some flawed communicating), but without any relationship obligations. I was happy enough to accept that and didn't make waves. But when I eventually found someone I wanted to be monogamous with and I ended the FB relationship, the FB got rather upset. He'd suddenly realised that he was losing me and that he loved me. It was too late by then though. Emotionally I'd moved on.

The things that I think help in a FB relationship have already been mentioned:

- Always be completely honest. I would include sharing brief details of other sexual activity just make SURE they know you aren't being monogamous. Make sure you are also being honest with yourself. You can't combat any stray emotions if you don't know they exist.

- Having multiple partners is an awfully good idea. It means your whole sexual/emotional being isn't focused on one person.
 

ArtofDesire

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Thanks subgirrl, I appreciate your comments.

I think I would most likely have a hard time keeping emotions out of a FB or FWB relationship unless I didn't really know the person, but then if I didn't know him fairly well I probably wouldn't be having sex with him in the first place.


Your suggestion of taking on multiple partners makes sense but don't you find that you have a preference, one over the others? If that were the case my natural inclination would be to just want to be with the one guy - just because historically I've always tended to be a one man woman.


It's good to be forewarned by hearing from the members about their experiences and how they dealt with the situations and consequences.


I doubt a FB type relationship would work for me long term. I'd probably end up wanting more. But obviously it would accomplish my goal of having sex in a safe manner.

Thanks to everyone who has posted a reply!
 
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Drifterwood

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I know you didn't ask me, but IME you find that there are different things you enjoy and get from different partners. I never used to judge between them. I came to this when I had seen all my NSAs within a very short time span.
 

AlteredEgo

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I preferred different things about different partners. I'll be using nicknames to distinguish as I write of them. Chulito was so snuggly and affectionate, and his kisses were addictive. But he could really only fuck me a couple times in a night, and he wasn't great at oral, and didn't like to have his dick sucked for the first few years, until he got a circumcision. His dick was the prettiest, then after he got cut, it was the ugliest. He had the hottest body. Still does. I really missed the oral sex though.

Tickles had a gorgeous, smooth complexion, and an epicurean appetite for everything. He loved eating pussy, and was amazing at it. He loved getting his cock sucked, and it fit my mouth and throat perfectly. His cum was disgusting, and he hated kissing and snuggling. He was worldly, and the best arm candy because he was as conversant as he was beautiful. I really missed the hugs and kisses.

Dreamer was seemingly the total package. An eager to please lover who had no experience, and was completely mold-able to my preferences. He wanted to fuck 5-6 times a night, sometimes more. Rarely, we both had time for a night and the next day, and could easily deplete our supply of condoms. He loved kissing and snuggling, and oral sex. I couldn't fit his girth into my throat comfortably, but he did fuck the hell out of my ass. He loved giving oral, and was very good, but not great at it. Given time, greatness would have come, but we only lasted a year. We kept falling in love with each other, and pulling back. It would have been better if he'd been open to us falling in love, but it frightened him. I suspect he could not bring a black woman home. He ended our affair to go exclusive with my white equivalent. She even looked like me, just white. With him, the flow of things just never felt organic. It was always an urgent explosion of passion, and a desperate retreat. I missed the ease of a truly comfortable pairing.

Das Goot was demanding, and I ate that up. He was just okay at everything, but he was sexy, and had a ridiculously hot German accent. He made me laugh all the time. His cock was the smallest of the lovers I had at the time, and the most versatile. He didn't like anal, wouldn't let me rim him, wouldn't rim me. I missed that. He was a demanding, intense kisser, and he held me often, but it lacked a certain something that would have made it feel more like a snuggle. I missed that too. He also wouldn't let me sleep in his apartment. I always had to go home. We couldn't spend the night together, and I think that was his defense against getting attached. It lasted a summer, and ended when his ex came to town. He wanted to try to make that work. He was incredibly exciting, but no real distraction from the others.

Of those four, from my second year single, I clearly had a favorite and least favorite. But, none was so great I wanted to ditch the others, and none was so awful that the others made me want to ditch him. The one I favored was all over the place with his own emotions. He was, in truth, the one who could not handle the situation. His feelings would change palpably, and that would open the door for me to be more receptive to returning those kinds of feelings. Things would intensify, and he would flee. Or, things would intensify, and I would flee, because we'd been there before. It just never was allowed to be a natural, organic progression, and it made me always miss the ease and comfort of just being natural with my other lovers. ANd whenever things got rough with him, it was easy to pull back because I had three other men who wanted my attention, who were at least as good as he was at leaving me feeling well-fucked. Just in different ways.
 

ArtofDesire

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That's fine Drifterwood, I'll take responses from anyone who cares to offer an opinion. See that just shows my inexperience with this type of relationship, I had not thought of how each might offer something different so that I would enjoy them all for various reasons.
 

B_subgirrl

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Thanks subgirrl, I appreciate your comments.

I think I would most likely have a hard time keeping emotions out of a FB or FWB relationship unless I didn't really know the person, but then if I didn't know him fairly well I probably wouldn't be having sex with him in the first place.

With any FB, even if you don't know them well to start with, you will before long. Even for those of us who CAN enjoy this style of relationship, I think there are certainly emotions involved. But often those emotions begin as just a fondness for the person, and often they are occurring just because you're having sex with them. I find that if I don't feed them or allow them to grow, they remain at that point - a warm fuzziness resulting from sex and/or a love that I would have for any friend who I was close to (even in the absence of sex).


Your suggestion of taking on multiple partners makes sense but don't you find that you have a preference, one over the others? If that were the case my natural inclination would be to just want to be with the one guy - just because historically I've always tended to be a one man woman.

I partly agree with what DW said:

I know you didn't ask me, but IME you find that there are different things you enjoy and get from different partners. I never used to judge between them. I came to this when I had seen all my NSAs within a very short time span.

But when it comes down to it, I'm more like AE (again!).

I do have a favourite. He is the most amazing sex partner I've ever had. For some reason (well, a bunch of reasons), we just work well together sexually. But thankfully, I've never allowed myself to get emotionally involved with the idea of him. If I did, I'd lose what I have of him. But the sex is freaking amazing.

The FB-With-Blurred-Boundaries was a dangerous one for me because he was damn good sexually (second only to TheFB mentioned above), and I also fell for him emotionally.

The others have all had good points and bad points. I really couldn't rank them in any sensible kind of manner. Some I preferred to spend time with over others - sometimes for sexual reasons, sometimes for non-sexual reasons - but it's only been with those two that I would (or would have) happily stopped seeing all others if they wanted to have a more traditional relationship with me. And even then, I would only do so if they were also willing to commit to a traditional relationship - ie. I don't lose my urge to have sex with others just because one is good in bed or particularly appealing emotionally.
 

ArtofDesire

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Thank you all very much for telling me about your partners and explaining how each relationship can be so very different. I am interested in the dynamics of these types of relationships and how you dealt with them or continue to deal with them to help me prepare for anything that might come up.


It's awful to be so rich in life experiences from years of living but still so inexperienced when it comes to sexual relationships. Participating in the forum is certainly an eye opening experience.


Thanks!
 
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nicenycdick

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hehheeee... I think we agree to agree nicenydick (LOL) you understand my point completely...

Given that Art is looking for something different (in tbe long run) than me... how 'bout stopping by to see me sometime :wink: ( a weak Mae West impersonation)....

Did you just say that in a Southern accent?!! Damn! I may have to make a trip to the South this summer...
 

ArtofDesire

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Okay, it's been a while since I asked for advice on this topic, but I've been talking to two men that say they are interested in becoming my FBs for no strings attached sex maybe getting together a couple times a month.

Of course I'm still looking for a real relationship that can grow into something more but that would never happen with either of these two men because they are both significantly younger and have no desire for anything beyond sex - but they would fill that need very nicely until I find someone that desires more.

I haven't met either in person yet although I suspect it won't be long if I can get my nerve up enough to actually meet them. Does anyone have any words of wisdom they would care to share with me about any specific questions I should ask, or steps I should take to protect myself, or suggestions on where or the type of place we should meet, etc? I am located in the Providence, RI area.

I've never done this before and am open to any and all comments and suggestions.

Thanks!
 

atlclgurl

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Above all protect yourself. By this I mean take the common sense steps to keep them away from your home and "real" life until you can trust them. Psychopaths can be very charming

1. Make the first meeting in public place... coffee shop, restaurant, etc.

2. Let someone know when/where/ how long you expect to meet them.

3. Insist upon a picture of them, print it out and leave it in a private but accessible place with all the information you know about them name, site you met them on, their handle on that site, etc.) written on it, just so if something does happen the police will be able to get them.

4. Never invite them to your home right away, even if you do want to "hook-up", get a room.

5. Condom, every single time. No exceptions, at all. Even if you can't get preggers... you can still get STDs.

That's all I can think of off the top on my head. I hope all these precautions aren't necessary, but better safe than sorry.

Have fun! :)
 

The Dragon

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Above all protect yourself. By this I mean take the common sense steps to keep them away from your home and "real" life until you can trust them. Psychopaths can be very charming

1. Make the first meeting in public place... coffee shop, restaurant, etc.

2. Let someone know when/where/ how long you expect to meet them.

3. Insist upon a picture of them, print it out and leave it in a private but accessible place with all the information you know about them name, site you met them on, their handle on that site, etc.) written on it, just so if something does happen the police will be able to get them.

4. Never invite them to your home right away, even if you do want to "hook-up", get a room.

5. Condom, every single time. No exceptions, at all. Even if you can't get preggers... you can still get STDs.

That's all I can think of off the top on my head. I hope all these precautions aren't necessary, but better safe than sorry.

Have fun! :)


Quoted for truth.

I normally let a close friend know the hows and whys of the evening and the chap before hand and I get them to text me or call at an agreed time with the understanding that if I don't call back within a reasonable time frame that all is not well and start taking "steps".

It's reasonably easy to be charming and excuse yourself to take a call and don't feel in the slightest bit guilty about not turning off your phone.
It's your life line if things go pear shaped.
 

B_subgirrl

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Okay, it's been a while since I asked for advice on this topic, but I've been talking to two men that say they are interested in becoming my FBs for no strings attached sex maybe getting together a couple times a month.

I've never done this before and am open to any and all comments and suggestions.

Thanks!

As atlclgurl addressed the meeting-people-you-met-online aspects, I'll cover FB-specific aspects.

1. Make sure you have your expectations and guidelines well thought out beforehand and communicate these clearly to your prospective FBs. For instance, if honesty is important to you, make sure they know that. Give them concrete examples (eg. If you have sex with someone else, please tell me).

2. Use condoms. Always. If you expect them to use condoms with other partners, make sure they know that. (I would advise that you insist on them using condoms with all partners).

3. Be aware that few people can handle the emotional content of FB relationships. Of those who CAN handle it, some don't experience the emotions at all, whilst others do experience them, but are able to deal with them in such a way that they don't become problematic. Make sure you have a plan for dealing with stray emotions that may pop up.

Good luck!! I hope it all works out for you :smile:.
 

ArtofDesire

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What about medical screening for STD's? I am thinking of asking them to provide proof that they don't have any communicable diseases before playing, of course I would provide the same.

One fellow said he has proof that he doesn't have HIV - I told him that there are other diseases to be concerned about such as herpes and his only response was 'yeah, I've always used condoms'.

I'm concerned about giving oral if I'm not positive the guy is disease free. Care to share any thoughts about asking them to get a complete screening panel done prior to playing? I know it's expensive and would be a detractor, but it is my health I am concerned about and want to make sure I'm playing safe - not sure how to handle this concern.