Maybe a silly question.. about Tops and Bottoms

elvid

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Sorry if this is a stupid question, but this is not part of my world at all. It's about the whole "Tops" and "Bottoms" thing. Now, I think I can guess what it's about in general i.e. giving vs receiving, but my specific question is this....

Is the concept of being a "top" or a "bottom" applicable to ALL gay relationships? In other words, in all types of gay sex, is one person playing role of the "top" and one the "bottom"? Or is what people call "topping" and "bottoming" only really about sub/dom kind of relationships?

Sorry if that's a stupid question!
 
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I would never say "ALL gay relationships," but it is definitely not contained only to sub/dom relationships. Again, there are always exceptions, but I have never met a gay man who didn't identify a preference of top, bottom, vers, vers/top, vers/bottom, etc.

There are gay men who never engage in anal sex one way or the other, but I've never met any.
 

InDNile

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Most guys express a preference to give or receive. I've met very few who were truly "versatile" (50% Top /50% bottom) but they do exist. Generally a guy will lean heavily in one direction or the other, some are even exclusively 100% one way or the other. For example, I haven't bottomed in over 15 years, and I haven't missed it...that is not to say I would never do it again.
 

Alonso

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Cool that a straight guy would want to know this. I can see why it might seem mysterious from the outside, ha.

Part of the issue for confusion I'm guessing is that, as I understand it very vaguely, "top/bottom" is also BDSM terminology (even hetero BDSM), and can refer to their relationship overall as well as just the bedroom activities. However, in terms of gay sex, top/bottom really just refers to who receives penetration - I mean, it might have echoes in the dynamic of the relationship, like who's more assertive, etc but really it's about fucking. Heh.

It's essentially a matter of personal preference based on experience, and I guess personality to a degree (I've met virgins - to gay sex - who were SO eager to be fucked). I'd have to say probably 50% of gay guys (of course estimations are just estimations) are nearly total bottoms, judging from anecdotal experience and what you see on website/app profiles. The other 50% are more interesting - some are truly versatile, some are total tops, and a minority just aren't into the whole deal to begin with. Myself, there are plenty of ways to get us both off that don't involve penetration, and penetration itself introduces other issues, like STDs and whether "equipment" is available (e.g. condoms, lube), such that I'd actually say some of the time it doesn't go there in my hookups - if the chemistry is good and I feel comfortable with the guy (or if we've already had sex before), then sure, let's fuck. Then there are absolutists who will say unless there is penetration, it's not sex at all.
 

elvid

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Thank you so much for the answers, guys! I've learned something there. I've never even heard of "vers" before; makes sense though.

I guess one thing that's kind of interesting from that is that there are so many "bottoms" in the gay community. I say that because I (probably naively) thought that the urge to "penetrate" would be strong in almost all men, regardless of sexuality; as opposed to having the urge to "be penetrated".

So I'd assumed that most guys would take turns, so that both parties have the chance to be the one doing the penetrating. Clearly, that's not the case, though.
 

sspen

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The words refer not only to a gay man's positional *preference* (I'm am a bottom {adjective}), but also to the position you adopted on a particular occasion (I topped {verb} the hottest DILF last night).

The notion of top/bottom also does not exclusively apply to anal sex. The same phrasing is used to describe a guy's oral preference (I'm an oral bottom because I love a dick in my mouth).
 

AlexDB9

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I'm completely vers and prefer a partner who is my equal in and out of bed. "Who's the bottom?" is like nails on a chalkboard. I could never confine myself to a rigid sexual role. In my last (12 yr) relationship, I always said "we don't do the whole top/bottom thing."
 
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elgarcon

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I find the whole I'm a top/bottom thing kind of annoying. I've never once considered either as part of my identity, though I get that people have preferences.

I lean toward preferring to bottom in sex (though I've had more sex as a top), yet I very rarely actually engage in any assplay while jacking off.
 

DukesFan

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to me everyone is a top or a bottom..

in a heterosexual relationship men and women are both top or bottom which ever they prefer to have sex that moment.. no different than a gay relationship.. Whom ever want to be on top will be and whomever bottoms will be maybe next time it will be reversed..
 

erratic

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Yeah, you see "top" and "bottom" on dating profiles, but in my experience there aren't a lot of guys who are 100% dedicated to either. The limited research on the matter suggests that gay people who come from more conservative, patriarchal cultures (they cited the USA and Mexico in particular, and especially among older generations) tend to hew more strongly to top/bottom, masc/fem identities, whereas gay people in more liberal, egalitarian cultures (they cited the Netherlands and I think Sweden - it's been a while since I read it), and younger people in general, tend to be more versatile sexually, and are more likely to mix and match from the masc/fem stereotypes what works for them. (That research included cisgender men and women, but I'm not sure about trans folks - again, it's been a while since I read it.)

Honestly, in my (very liberal, very urban) social circles, no one uses the terms "top" or "bottom" (or "masc," or "fem," or "straight acting," or any of that) except when forced to on grindr or whatever.
 

DukesFan

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I am a dedicated bottom I like being the female of the relationship and I am very good at it. I like to take it up the ass and I like to give oral and swallow it just is what I like and prefer to do in life...
 

mallak

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Yeah, you see "top" and "bottom" on dating profiles, but in my experience there aren't a lot of guys who are 100% dedicated to either. The limited research on the matter suggests that gay people who come from more conservative, patriarchal cultures (they cited the USA and Mexico in particular, and especially among older generations) tend to hew more strongly to top/bottom, masc/fem identities, whereas gay people in more liberal, egalitarian cultures (they cited the Netherlands and I think Sweden - it's been a while since I read it), and younger people in general, tend to be more versatile sexually, and are more likely to mix and match from the masc/fem stereotypes what works for them. (That research included cisgender men and women, but I'm not sure about trans folks - again, it's been a while since I read it.)

Honestly, in my (very liberal, very urban) social circles, no one uses the terms "top" or "bottom" (or "masc," or "fem," or "straight acting," or any of that) except when forced to on grindr or whatever.


Must be why so many Swedes are depressed lol. Anyway I don't think anyone is accusing gay people of considering their top/bottom preference as a core part of their identity. Most people understand it's just a convenient term to describe what you are into sexually, unless you are versatile. And it's also interesting that even though your friends consider themselves to be above these terms, in the end they resort to using them. That's why I like the terms top, bottom and versatile, it's a good way of cutting through all the pretentious BS.
 
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MisterSlave

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sometimes, top can = dominant. . and bottom can = submissive for a a particular sexual activity. Sometimes the Labels of top, or bottom for an activity do not exactly apply. Some people use those words as well. . . kind of interchangably. . and in the same way that people say they are top or bottom. . or versitile.

There are versitiles in kink and fetish too. . and they are called: switch hitters. Or (switch).

I know that like orientation, sex roles can be a spectrum and degree. . such as, 60% top and 40% bottom. . . . So there is that too.

Anyway, . . just some food for thought.

Misterslave.
 

concupisys

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I would never say "ALL gay relationships," but it is definitely not contained only to sub/dom relationships. Again, there are always exceptions, but I have never met a gay man who didn't identify a preference of top, bottom, vers, vers/top, vers/bottom, etc.

There are gay men who never engage in anal sex one way or the other, but I've never met any.


hi.... now you met one....

reading these kinds of threads, i never know whether to laugh, facepalm, groan and roll my eyes, or just lock myself back in the closet where i was dragged kicking and screaming from 8 years ago.... there's so much difference created within the world of homosexuality through so many variables and degrees even WE don't understand it, and just when we think we have it all figured out, some new hybrid is created that the world is forced to accept lest we get labelled as homophobic.... heck: even homophobic has like a million different sub-phobics these days.... it's as though we want mainstream society to be scared of us, otherwize we wouldn't keep throwing so many reasons at them to be afraid or insecure or simply forced to be ignorant....

jinkies.... it's a mystery....

;)
 
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