Measuring An Erect Penis With Your Hands

Discussion in 'Sex With a Large Penis' started by TailPipe, Feb 15, 2009.

  1. TailPipe

    TailPipe Member

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    INTRODUCTION: Using everyday items from around the house, the following unscientific techniques will provide reference points for guesstimating penis dimensions when a tape measure isn’t handy. And if you don’t own a flexible sewing tape measure by now, go get one: they are worth the couple of bucks to have on hand, and they are kinder when wrapped around a rigid penis than when using a metal retractable carpenter’s or construction tape measure.

    DISCLAIMER: Terms such as “average” and “large” are purely subjective in this essay, and are to be defined by yourself for the purpose of this exercise and any future “Hold still while I take a quick measurement” encounters you might engage in. For more information, just Google “penis measurement” and your head will explode from all the studies and opinions and appalling lack of photos. Thank Zeus for our heroes (and heroines) at LPSG.org!

    TO MEASURE LENGTH: You will need a straight ruler measuring 12-inches or more, and privacy (unless you are unfazed by the shrieks of startled co-workers). Stand the ruler upright, perpendicular to a flat surface, with the lesser numerals closest to the desk top/table top, etc. Wrap your right hand around the base of the ruler, and wrap your left hand snug and on top of your right hand; take a mental snapshot of the exposed measurement to reference during future encounters with the Average Penis. Now take your right hand from the base of the ruler and wrap it snug and on top of your still grasping left hand; take a mental snapshot of the exposed measurement to reference during future encounters with a Large Penis, and remember to immediately send photos to LPSG for one and all to “O-o-o” and “Ah-h-h” over. Example: I have long hands and fingers, and I wear Extra-Large men’s gloves. So for me, a 2-hand grip just covers an approximate 6.5-inch penis, and a 3-hand grip just covers an approximate 9.75-inch penis. (I’ve had my hands on longer ones, and yes, I’m bragging.)

    TO MEASURE CIRCUMFERENCE: You will need a cardboard dowel from a spent roll of toilet paper, and privacy (unless you are prepared to field a barrage of questions from puzzled love ones). Measure the circumference of the cardboard dowel, which usually clocks in at about 5.5 inches around. I realize that 5.5 inches would be considered a big/fat/chunky circumference by most of us not in the porn industry, but the dowel is handy, and this is just to determine a reference point of measurement. Stand the dowel upright, perpendicular to a flat surface, and wrap your right hand around the base of the dowel. Take a mental snapshot of where your thumb and forefinger cross to reference during future encounters with the Upper-End-of-Average to Large Penis. (Remember that the size of your hand is a variable here, and this is just to determine an individualized point of reference.) If the tips of your thumb and forefinger just meet, or don’t meet at all, take a mental snapshot to reference during future encounters with the Large to Jumbo/Mammoth/Horse-Hung Penis, and remember to immediately send photos to LPSG for all to exclaim in unison: “Damn big fuckin’ dick, dude!” Example: For me, the tips of my thumb and forefinger meet at the 6-inch mark. That’s B.I.G. (for my mouth, anyway). And if you think 5.5 to 6 inches isn’t so very big around, just try sticking that cardboard dowel in your mouth: it’s impossible for small-mouthed folks, a challenge for most of us, and a snap for the fortunate few wide-jawed super heroes/heroines of oral sex. But then there’s always an accommodating vag/ass out there just begging to get banged, or so I’ve heard. . .

    CLASS IS OVER: You are dismissed. Now get out there and start measuring up some Man Penis, pronto!
    .
     
  2. spid3r4ever

    spid3r4ever New Member

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    What about a curved penis? The measuring is not the same and you can't get the exact size with a straight ruller.
     
  3. sarah-o

    sarah-o New Member

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    Can a gay man have a straight penis? Just a thought.
     
    lapdog2001 likes this.
  4. rojji

    rojji Member

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    Well you can still get your hands end to end so I suppose you can go with the curve and figure it out.
     
  5. amadordelsexo

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    Its an interesting point of view,but what about girls petit wide fingers,those which 3 fingers are not more than 2 inches wide.
    That involve picture where girls wrap penis with their hands
    could you calculate penis length?
    Porn film are full of such case,but may be are camera effects or
    such like
     
  6. BigInBellevue

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    Teacher was getting you to measure with your hands before your encounter so you wouldn't have to pull out a tape or ruler. So it doesn't matter if the hand is petite. You can also use the span of your hand. My span is about nine inches (23 cm.) If you have a U.S. dollar bill handy, you can wrap it around the penis. If the ends don't meet, send me his contact information. That length is 6 3/16 inches (about 15.6 cm.)
     
  7. Hanzhanz

    Hanzhanz Member

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    HAHA! This is funny! and clever.. :cool:
     
  8. hung

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    Nice alternatives when a tape measure/ruler are not available.
     
  9. AtomicMouse1950

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    Can you, please describe just how you measure your cock, when you do have the proper type measuring tape? And you go into the exact ways one can measure the cock in question?


     
  10. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    Everyone knows that it's overall volume that matters.

    To measure this accurately, you must first befriend a samurai warrior (this shouldn't be a problem as many are currently out of work). Get as hard as possible (use PDE inhibitors if you must) & secure this with an overly tight cockring. Position yourself above a large eureka can of ice-cold water, with measuring cylinder ready at the spout. Have your new samurai friend slice your erection off in one smooth stroke. This will fall into the eureka can, displacing the volume of your erection. You'll want to read the measuring cylinder immediately, but ignore this for a moment and stem the bleeding with the sterile towel you had standing by, while your samurai friend calls for an ambulance. Now read off the volume on the measuring cylinder, being careful not to be confused by the meniscus, & write down the volume in ml. Then fish your penis out of the water & place it in a sterile plastic bag in a tupperware box of ice. The paramedics should be along shortly. This is the perfect time to practice your story, explaining how you often clean your sword collection naked and that the feel of the cold steel often makes you aroused; next door's cat alarmed you, you dropped the oil you were cleaning the blades with, accidentally stood in it barefoot - on a polished wood floor - and slipped onto a samurai sword, sustaining an unpleasant injury. Now that you've got it, the paramedics are here. Go with them to have your pride and joy reattached. When healed, have the volume tattooed across the scar. Simple.




    Disclaimer: if anyone is stupid enough to attempt any of this, I take no responsibility whatsoever.
     
  11. hud01

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    thanks for raising a 3 year old thread
     
  12. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    I miss JimmyWangHead.

    Threads like this remind me of him so much.
     
  13. monel

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    I can't measure my erect cock with my hand. Can't keep my hand still and then there's the mess. Happens all the time.
     
  14. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    Practice makes perfect, Monel.

    Don't give up!
     
  15. monel

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    I am a determined fucker, D. I will know the length of my erection before I die regardess of how many rulers I mess up.

    (and by "rulers" I don't mean Monarchs, you sick, sick people)
     
    #15 monel, Jun 6, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2012
  16. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    Then use a rule instead.

    And welcome to Pedant's Corner.
     
  17. monel

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    Thank you for the warm welcome Z. But I think I'll stick with the rulers. I've been using rulers from such a young age it seemes pointless to change now. Besides, making a mess of tbe rules sounds so much more like a possible criminal offense.
     
  18. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    Ah, the quaint ways of our cousins across the pond. :tongue:

    My schoolmasters and mistresses would have rapped us across the knuckles with the offending wooden item... Well, they wouldn't have, but there we go. It used to irk them as much as pronouncing 'mirror' as 'mirrow'. :nana:

    Think I just need someone to post something stupid/contentious and then be highly entertaining in their inability to accept any kind of criticism... :frown1:
     
    #18 D_Bubba_Butter, Jun 6, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2012
  19. monel

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    Hmmmm! I grew up across a skinnier body of water, on the emerald isle where we used rulers too. Of course we didn't have Monarchs there either so maybe it's that has something to do with it. :)
     
  20. D_Bubba_Butter

    D_Bubba_Butter Account Disabled

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    Ah! So how did you end up translocating to the US?

    Perhaps it was just my schooling, then... :dunno:
     
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