INTRODUCTION: Using everyday items from around the house, the following unscientific techniques will provide reference points for guesstimating penis dimensions when a tape measure isnt handy. And if you dont own a flexible sewing tape measure by now, go get one: they are worth the couple of bucks to have on hand, and they are kinder when wrapped around a rigid penis than when using a metal retractable carpenters or construction tape measure. DISCLAIMER: Terms such as average and large are purely subjective in this essay, and are to be defined by yourself for the purpose of this exercise and any future Hold still while I take a quick measurement encounters you might engage in. For more information, just Google penis measurement and your head will explode from all the studies and opinions and appalling lack of photos. Thank Zeus for our heroes (and heroines) at LPSG.org! TO MEASURE LENGTH: You will need a straight ruler measuring 12-inches or more, and privacy (unless you are unfazed by the shrieks of startled co-workers). Stand the ruler upright, perpendicular to a flat surface, with the lesser numerals closest to the desk top/table top, etc. Wrap your right hand around the base of the ruler, and wrap your left hand snug and on top of your right hand; take a mental snapshot of the exposed measurement to reference during future encounters with the Average Penis. Now take your right hand from the base of the ruler and wrap it snug and on top of your still grasping left hand; take a mental snapshot of the exposed measurement to reference during future encounters with a Large Penis, and remember to immediately send photos to LPSG for one and all to O-o-o and Ah-h-h over. Example: I have long hands and fingers, and I wear Extra-Large mens gloves. So for me, a 2-hand grip just covers an approximate 6.5-inch penis, and a 3-hand grip just covers an approximate 9.75-inch penis. (Ive had my hands on longer ones, and yes, Im bragging.) TO MEASURE CIRCUMFERENCE: You will need a cardboard dowel from a spent roll of toilet paper, and privacy (unless you are prepared to field a barrage of questions from puzzled love ones). Measure the circumference of the cardboard dowel, which usually clocks in at about 5.5 inches around. I realize that 5.5 inches would be considered a big/fat/chunky circumference by most of us not in the porn industry, but the dowel is handy, and this is just to determine a reference point of measurement. Stand the dowel upright, perpendicular to a flat surface, and wrap your right hand around the base of the dowel. Take a mental snapshot of where your thumb and forefinger cross to reference during future encounters with the Upper-End-of-Average to Large Penis. (Remember that the size of your hand is a variable here, and this is just to determine an individualized point of reference.) If the tips of your thumb and forefinger just meet, or dont meet at all, take a mental snapshot to reference during future encounters with the Large to Jumbo/Mammoth/Horse-Hung Penis, and remember to immediately send photos to LPSG for all to exclaim in unison: Damn big fuckin dick, dude! Example: For me, the tips of my thumb and forefinger meet at the 6-inch mark. Thats B.I.G. (for my mouth, anyway). And if you think 5.5 to 6 inches isnt so very big around, just try sticking that cardboard dowel in your mouth: its impossible for small-mouthed folks, a challenge for most of us, and a snap for the fortunate few wide-jawed super heroes/heroines of oral sex. But then theres always an accommodating vag/ass out there just begging to get banged, or so Ive heard. . . CLASS IS OVER: You are dismissed. Now get out there and start measuring up some Man Penis, pronto! .