Memories, do you have some?

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by mephistopheles, Jun 2, 2011.

  1. mephistopheles

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    This is one thing I have had problems with for a while and for some reason I always felt compelled not to ask bring this up: I 22 years old, so that's roughly what-- 20 years of memories I am supposed to have? I can only remember certain parts of my life. As far back as I can remember is when I was 16, but my memories between now and then are pretty sparse. I can't remember most things before 16, but maybe a handful of (partial) memories; though some of these memories don't seem right. I can remember a birthday party from when I was in the first grade, or second, I'm not sure; I can remember going to the public pool on two occasions, though I know I went more often than that; I remember going to church, two occasions that were'nt even pleasant ones; aside from that I have a few more memories, but obviously fewer than I think I should have. Like I am remembering something someone else thought of... Like remembering a dream I never had. Sometimes I have a hard time telling the dream-memories from the real ones. And a lot of the times when I remember (or think of) the dream-memories I feel like I am kind of beside myself, or looking at myself without seeing me inside of myself. One other thing that goes with these other things is my train of thought with my current memories... Sometimes I'll be doing something-- anything, and all of the sudden something like a smell or sound will send me into a type of auto-pilot. I do things without meaning or wanting to, it feels like all I can do is think about what I am doing... I can't stop it or keep it going, it just happens and stops when it wants. Usually when I go into this auto-pilot mode my thoughts are very limited too. I usually think "Why am I doing that?", or "I should stop." but do nothing to stop whatevr I am doing (I can't somehow) and the voice in my head (my brain-voice) feels sleepy or else sedated. It passes though and I get back to normal, albiet a little groggy. And when I am on "auto-pilot" I have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror. I get this really unpleasant feeling that I can't explain, it's like I am being smashed to one side of my brain, but completely different... Like a weird sinus headache. And sometimes when I look in the mirror I cry, but I hardly ever feel sad when I do, I only look sad. And over the last few months I have been having really vivid dreams that seem too real and I always wake up tired. These dreams stick with me for a long time too; they dreams disturb me and sometimes the stuff that happens in my dreams coinsides with stuff that really happened to me days or even a week before the dream. (But it's not like a regular dream , it's like these dreams are filling in the holes of what I can't remember, and they aren't doing very well) And the people that I live always tell me that I had said things I don't remember, I just thought they were fucking with me. Anyway, does anyone think there's anything to this, or is this common? I am not asking for medical advise or anything, and I am currently on meds for Bipolar Disorder and Anxiety and this is not ANY SORT of side effect from any medications I have ever taken.
     
  2. mephistopheles

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    Wow, it got rid of all of my spaces and everything. Super. The first and last time I'll probably ever bring this up and no one is even going to read that jumbled up post.
     
  3. Calboner

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    That sounds seriously scary, especially the part about "auto pilot." Have you never consulted a medical specialist, such as a psychiatrist, about your condition? You mention that you are under medication for bipolar disorder and anxiety: did you not discuss your memory and dissociation problems with whoever prescribed those?
     
  4. monstro

    monstro New Member

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    I'm not a doctor or anything, just a weirdo on the Internet, but I do have a dissociative "disorder" and my experiences are similar to the ones you describe, albeit my so-called "disorder" is comparatively mild. For what it's worth I would say perhaps you should consider showing what you've written here to your therapist. Best of luck to you!
     
  5. BarelyMoreThan6

    BarelyMoreThan6 New Member

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    It may be a jumbled up post but it relates how this feels to you and what you are experiencing.

    I too think it is a good idea to print it out and take it to your therapist/Dr that you are seeing that is prescribing your meds for Bi-Polar.

    The good part is that you are recognizing this and many different types of chemical imbalances manifest in people in their early 20's. Unfortunately many people don't notice the symptoms until much later and never get a handle on the problem.

    You're way ahead of those people since you have already identified something that is concerning you. It may be nothing, but at least take the steps to find out.

    Good Luck Sexy Man! :)
     
  6. D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead

    D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead Account Disabled

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    I can't remember what we were talking about?

    But I digress.

    I've been diagnosed with PTSD and a dissociative disorder. Been through a lot of therapy and worked to change my life, and I have a wonderful life now.

    However, I still have a lot of memory gaps from childhood. A few have come back, but not many.

    On the other hand, I do remember my "near-death experience," and being assured by the angels that I would be OK and they would always be with me.

    My thought for anyone who wants to check this out is to start with a good therapist and get their perspective on it. There are people who specialize in PTSD and trauma work who would be more knowledgeable about it. To the best of my knowledge, absent some organic reason for memory loss, trauma or abuse of some sort is the most common reason for it to occur.
     
    #6 D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead, Jun 2, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2011
  7. mephistopheles

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    Yeah, I'm calling a few therapists around town to see if they accept my insurance so I can get an appointment soon. I've been to the doctor time and time again for anxiety and depression and bipolar disorder and all kinds of stuff and I can't say why I never thought to tell them about my memory loss.(Or why I just used like 6 and's) I've been giving this a fair bit of thought and trying to remember stuff and now I'm kind of scared that I don't want to.
     
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