Men and Dating: Shyness, Love and Romance Don't Mix!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Principessa, Jul 21, 2008.

  1. Principessa

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    There seem to be a veritable plethora of clueless & shy men on the boards lately. Frankly, the fact the US is producing so many socially retarded men is at best disturbing. Seriously guys put down your Wiimote, Playstation 3, or XBox and get out of the house and talk to real people! Chatting online is nice but it gives you a false sense of intimacy which doesn't work when talking to someone face to face.
    Men and Dating: Shyness, Love and Romance Don't Mix! Written by Deborrah Cooper

    A male buddy and I recently discussed men and the reasons you guys stand around gawking, but not speaking to the ladies at parties and nightclubs. My buddy provided a wide range of excuses for such inaction, but ultimately we agreed that shyness, insecurity and hesitation have no place in romance! The bottom line for "shy" single men is this: you are allowing your fear of rejection to keep you from going after what you want. And if you want to win the gold medal prize of love, you gotta get in the game. In other words, you "shy" guys need to man up!

    Shyness is nothing but a socially acceptable and polite word for FEAR.
    In other words, "shy" people are scared shitless! Shy people are fearful of new experiences, of speaking up, of taking risks, and of new people.
    Timid, insecure and self-conscious, shy men are relegated to the fringe of dating society. Associating speaking up and social interaction with painful and humiliating rejection, shy single men will do ANYTHING to avoid such pain. People that claim to be shy have bombarded their psyche with negative messages of rejection and failure. After one of these downer pep talks, you find yourself afraid of being rejected, afraid of saying the wrong thing, afraid of looking stupid. Is it any wonder that you go into social situations shivering in fear?
    The way around this is to stop the negative thoughts as soon as they start. Stop thinking about the pain you MIGHT, MAYBE, POSSIBLY feel, and instead focus on the joy you can bring into someone's life, the fun you can have, and what it is going to feel like at the end of the evening when you head home a winner!
    Remember that males are no different from females when it being afraid of rejection and not being liked. Which means that women are just as afraid of being rejected, being dress inappropriately, saying the wrong thing, or looking foolish as you are! Ladies also enjoy a good conversation, witty banter and flirtatious flattery as much as anyone else.


    Young men often claim they feel tongue-tied and don't know what to say. This problem is easily solved. You read books, watch television, come across interesting articles or news stories on the Web, right? Your family is as crazy as everyone else's, so you have hilarious family stories to share, right? You've traveled, enjoy hobbies or have other interests, right? Then you have fodder for starting a conversation

    Some men find it helpful to make a list of conversation-starting topics or questions and to memorize the list before they leave home to attend a party or dance.
    At a party, nightclub or first date, few people want to discuss deep subjects like the philosophy of Nietzsche! In these meet and greet settings, it's all about getting to know who you are, allowing someone else to get to know you, and to find out what you two may have in common.

    Get that ball rolling by walking up and introducing yourself. A shy guy might begin by sharing his name, where he goes to school, what he is majoring in, what he likes about it, any clubs you belong to, etc. Most women will also want to know what you do professionally as well. Be prepared to discuss your job and what you find to be rewarding or frustrating about it.

    You might also share information about your family and siblings, including their ages, names, where your family home is, etc. Ask the same information of her. It's just talking and no big deal.

    To avoid crossing boundaries which WILL get you rejected, please be a gentleman at all times. Avoid saying anything of an overly-familiar, personal or sexual nature. That means no comments about her body, no inappropriate touches, no innuendo that could make her feel uncomfortable and label you as "creepy" or "nasty."

    Make it a point to force yourself to step outside your comfort zone and interact with others. Give yourself positive mental messages instead of negative ones of failure and humiliating embarrassment.

    If you need to, read a book or two on affirmations, and start doing them every day. Affirmations are an amazingly effective way to change one's thoughts and expectations. Gain control of your mind and thoughts instead of allowing them to control you, and you'll never miss out on an opportunity due to shyness again!
     
    #1 Principessa, Jul 21, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2008
  2. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!
    Ok. When they get the smack down, what then?
     
  3. Catchoftheday

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    :redface:

    :mad:

    :confused:
     
  4. Rekkuza

    Rekkuza Member

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    Amusingly, this advice applies as much to women as to men.

    If you like a guy, things will get on a lot smoother if you stop waiting for him to say something and show some bloody interest. Not keeping us guessing with ambiguous signs is sure to move that "Love and Romance" part along.
    Amen. Saying "get confident!" isn't really an effective counter to the demoralizing effect of rejection.
     
    #4 Rekkuza, Jul 21, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2008
  5. sargon20

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    Yep. Exactly. Will the author have an article about rejection to follow-up?
     
  6. Max

    Max New Member

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    IMHO anyone who felt they needed advice from someone who writes like Ms Cooper would be in a pretty bad fix.
     
  7. Kassokilleri2ff

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    I don't know about the rest of the guys here, but I didn't have friends until I was about 16. I try my best to break out of shyness and being a little scared bitch, and I have succeeded in small instances, but its tough..oh yes lol.

    Its not like I had video games as a kid. I didn't have anything as a kid, video games? Ha! I didn't even have food to eat other than free lunch at school. So you cant blame the xbox or ps3 lolz. I didn't have friends untill late 9th grade 10th grade in highschool, why? I still don't know. I never learned all that social skill crap, and I never knew it was so important. But in 10th grade I made friends (i moved to a new state) and I went out with several girls. All terrible short relationships but I got girlfriends for at least a little while!

    I guess part of my fear is I really don't know what I'm doing. Most people think I'm wierd at first. It takes time, once people get to know me then its all good. That seems to be how I got all my girlfriends. They saw how I was with my friends over a period of time and came to like me for whatever reason.
    But back to the fear part, I was never accepted, I never did anything right, and I don't know how to do things right, the socially acceptable way.

    Ways I have improved....
    1. I learned to look girls in the eyes. I've gotten pretty good at it. I used to be so bad, if a girl caught me look at her I would look away faster than lightning. Now when a girl looks at me, I look her in the eyes and don't turn away till she does. Next I have to work on catching the eye and then smiling. For some reason its hard for me to just look at smile. If I talk, I smile automatically, i can't control it. But without talking its hard to just smile by my own force of will lol.

    2. I compliment girls somewhat. Before, I could never say "your pretty, or your hot" But now I feel easier to say that. Yesterday at the club I told a girl I had met previously that she looked really good. Now I gotta say it to a perfect stranger!

    3. If I'm with a group of people, I say more stuff. If some guy says something stupid, for some reason I can point it out and make him look dumb. I work with a bunch of assholes so it kinda rubs off, but I think i noticed some females responding to that. Although I don't like to be mean I was happy that it came out naturally lol.

    I have been getting called cute by girls also, which obviously helps the self esteem. Hot girls even thought I was cute! So that boosts it a little more. I still have trouble talking though, I suck terribly at it. I don't know what to say past "hi where are you from?" lol. I don't have any interesting stories, other than the fact that I had a shitty life of poverty lol. I don't have any exciting hobbies..hobbies cost money, I never developed any. I havent traveled, my interests are that of which 99.999% of females would find terrible and boring. (I love METAL! I'm athiest, I like some video games......thats about it).

    To avoid crossing boundaries which WILL get you rejected, please be a gentleman at all times. Avoid saying anything of an overly-familiar, personal or sexual nature. That means no comments about her body, no inappropriate touches, no innuendo that could make her feel uncomfortable and label you as "creepy" or "nasty."
    Like what exactly? I always hear that you want to touch and to make sexual comments. This phrase is too general, i need specific instances of whats over the line and whats not. I mean sure, grabbing her boob is obviously wrong but what else? Will she freak out if I touch her hand? What can I not say? I mean sure common sense says dont tell her she looks like she has a tight pussy, but can I say she looks sexy?

    I think I dress OK. I dont have a huge wardrobe, but my shirts and shoes and hat usually match. I have like, 7 different pairs of shoes in all different colors lol, same with a buncha different shirts. I don't have many pants tho I need to buy some more. I don't have any button up type shirts, I want to get some though. I got a buncha hats but I don't always wear them.

    I'm improving, I know that at least. Its kinda slow but I'll get better ^_^

    Edit: Theres this one girl I met. I hung out with my friend a couple times and she was there, and at the club. And we catch eyes quite often, and often for about 5 seconds, which is a long time to me! I want her and she is sooo pretty but I'm still scared. She seemed to make it a point to sit next to me a few times. A couple times she grabbed my hand and wanted to pull me somewhere but at the club people always get in the way! So she grabs my had and realized we cant go anywhere and she lets go. But I was still too scared to push the other guys outa the way and dance wit her (tons of guys trying to dance wit her lol). I think she is giving me obvious signs but I'm still too scared to make a move. I don't know what move to make! I mean I could have danced with her, that woulda been good. Other than that I don't know.

    If a girl is showing interest what should I do? She does not seem like relationship-type-material girl. I think she just likes to sleep around or something. Regardless she is gorgeous and I'd love to "tap that" roflz. I just don't know how to initiate something...anything. I've been in groups where we all talk about stuff, but i've never had a chance to talk to just her, (and if i did it would probably be awkward anways).
     
    #7 Kassokilleri2ff, Jul 21, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2008
  8. sargon20

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    We may be looking at biological destiny. A recent USAToday article suggest premature babies grow up shy. The implications are profound.

    Are premature babies born to be shy?

    New research suggests that children born prematurely are more timid and less likely to get married and have children.

    • The earlier babies are born, the less likely they are to marry, become parents or earn a high salary, suggests a study of nearly 1 million Norwegians, now ages 20 to 36, in today's New England Journal of Medicine.

    • In two studies of people in their early 20s in this month's Pediatrics, researchers found that former preemies were less likely to leave home, live with a romantic partner or be sexually active. They were also more inhibited and more apt to obey social conventions.

    Premature babies grow up shy - USATODAY.com
     
  9. morsecode

    morsecode New Member

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    I would say that the parents overprotect them because they were born prematurely.
     
  10. sxy_vince

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    Those are some good tips njqt466 and some positive encouragment - its great that you took the time to help all the shy guys out there.

    From my experience, I have found that I've got a lot less shy as I've got older. One reason is that I have made attempts to be more outgoing and found out that its not as hard as you would think! I just approach strangers and say hi and find things generally work out okay.

    I also agree with kassokilleri2ff about the importance of eyes. I have always thought eye contact is an important part of connecting with girls. But I must admit, after thinking about kassokilleri2ff's comments, it occured to me that I have had situations in which I looked away from a girl instead of maintining eye contact because I though it was too "intense". Perhaps I should just keeping looking in those situations until she looks away first? I suppose part of me is scared of looking creepy - perhaps this can be avoided by keeping the eye contact steady but gentle? Any thoughts ladies?
     
  11. B_Hung Jon

    B_Hung Jon New Member

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    Not to be too harsh on shy peeps, women or men, but part of the problem lies with the society. There's a lot of junk being thrown at us by the media, about how to be successful or happy or whatever. I think it's up to each of us to find out what interests us in life and pursue that. Peeps are always saying how boring everything is. Only boring peeps find life boring. Put some effort into your life, find out about yourself. That's how to become a person who others will want to hang out with.
     
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