Men Defensive About Gay Comments?

[B_henry miller]

Here's a compliment for you, HM. I have noticed from many postings that you have a great understanding of male sexuality and mindset, and the various aspects of masculinity that is very impressive for a straight guy.

Ok, that didn't sound like such a compliment once I wrote it but I'm serious. Lots of str8 guys have so many hang ups about gender they won't do any introspection.

The people who I think understand men best are 1) gay men and 2 ) men into the cuckolding scene (on either side of the equation). In both cases they have spent a lot of time thinking about gender roles, the psychology of sexuality, and what it means to be a male in our society.

The average str8 guy hasn't figured things out nearly as far as you have, and for that I compliment you!!

Yes, I realize most straight guys don't talk about these sorts of things. The reason is because most straight guys grow up in male-dominated situations where male heterosexuality is taken for granted to be dominant and superior.

I didn't. I grew up in an environment dominated by women and with many gay people. For me, straight males have always been the minority. Therefore, I never took for granted that heterosexual males are the superior group, and this led to me actually doing some research into the basis of what I am.

In other words, thanks for the compliment.

I think most straight men don't look into the basis of their own gender and sexual identity for two reasons:

1. Simply not interested. You're venturing into the realms of pychology, which has a limited appeal.
2. Insecurity. The fear that as soon as you start to analyze it, it will all come crashing down like a house of cards. To some extent, this is true. When one really looks at the psychological and social constructions of masculinity and heterosexuality, one realizes that it's just one category among many -- and far, far more fluid than most straight men would like to admit. (My opinion is that most straight men actually feel a great deal of love for one another, which can ironically be scary because it is easily confused with homosexuality ... which leads back to the topic of this thread. http://www.lpsg.org/111767-brotherhood-of-the-male-gender.html )

Geez. All this, and I just rolled out of bed. I think too much!

 

[Phil Ayesho]

The main character in Torch Song Trilogy sees a guy whom he later finds out has a girlfriend that doesn't know he sees guys. He (the main character) goes on the following rant (paraphrased) --

Just once, I'd like to hear about a "bisexual" guy who sneaks out of his boyfriend's house to see a woman. It's always sneaking out of their girlfriend's how to see a guy. How is that bisexual?

The reason is simple... it is vastly easier to be living openly with a woman and screwing men on the side than vice versa.

A man living openly with a man is- DEFACTO an alternative lifestyle and a homosexual identity.
And women are less interested in having a sex only relationship with an ostensibly gay man.

Thus... taking this alternative does not avoid any of the social issues that come with a gay lifestyle.

Add to this the fact that the openly gay community is highly intolerant of "bisexuality" and the choice for bisexual men becomes pretty clear.

Men are far more likely into casual sex-only experiences than are women.
A hetero married man can go down to a bathouse, or truckstop, or well known public restrooms and be sucking an anonymous dick within an hour.
And be back before the wife misses him.

OR he might find another bisexual married guy who is more than willing to simply accommodate each other on a regular basis.

Its a LOT harder for a guy looking for some pussy on the side to pull this off. Women in general take a lot more effort to bed unless you are paying for a pro.


In short... given my general assumption that at least 40% of the adult male population is somewhat bisexual with a bias for full relationships with women and just Sex with men...

That would mean that for every Gay man out there, there are 3 bisexual men.

Thus, What we observe, with predominantly bi men sneaking out for illicit sex with men is exactly what we should expect to observe.

The guys tapping their feet in airport stalls are NOT gay men... they are married men who like to suck dick once in a while.

 

[mickswim]

some people just need more -

 

[mickswim]

so i agree w/ primal sa vage and there ...

 

[B_mylipswet]

If he is reacting negatively, chances are about 70% that it is because it pisses him off that his woman would question his attraction to women, and imply that he is bi. ( read- secretly gay )

Truely bisexual men would probably welcome any civil broaching of the subject... assuming you did not say it to him accusingly or threateningly... that is, if you showed an interest that might be considered accepting... most truely bi men would be relieved to discuss it.

Closeted gay men MIGHT react badly if it seems their cover is about to be blown... but, seeing that only 10% of the population is gay... then chances would still fall on the straight side.



There are some straight men who Gay men find attractive and flirt with and some of these straight men LIKE that gay men find them attractive, without their being even remotely interested in gay sex.
FOR some its just flattery since they know gay men are often attracted to hunky looking men.
For others they enjoy Prick teasing Gay men knowing that they are gonna turn them down- this is almost a form of homophobia...



TWO
My question would be this... why the heck are you questioning your man's sexuality?
What is your reason for broaching the subject?

Would YOU lose interest in him if he were Bi? Or would your interest grow?
Are you pressing an agenda YOU hope for? Or unsatisfied with his attentions?
Did you approach this issue confrontationally? or were you belittling or making fun of him in some subtle way?

If all he was doing is chatting with men you know to be gay... why would that make you think he was sexually into men?

I have heard more than one woman accuse more than one guy of being Bi or Gay... and it was always done in a manner to be insulting or hurtful....

Thank you for your post was totally compassionate and understanding to both of our feelings. I did not in no uncertain terms come on confrontational, I never would belittle a man who I pratically worship. I would never lose interest in him even if he was bi- or had a bisexual experience. He is a magnificent man with all the qualities I have ever dreamed of. In fact, I have searched my life to find someone like him. I'm gentle with him and his feelings matter to me. He's dominant and handles me like no man in this world can. This does not define our relationship or the strong emotional bond that we share. I treasure him and in return he fills me with more then I have ever expected to be fulfilled.
I simply told him it bothered me that so many gay men were admiring him.
I never thought I could count on someone gay to help me see how wrong I was to judge him. I didn't doubt his trustfulness.
However, it was his "reaction" that made me ask him if he was bi. As well as an obvious reference to why his body hair had been shaved in one of the photo comments that lead me to believe another level of contact exsisted.
He is confined to a military enviorment and physically we have not had physical contact with one another so I never expected him to restrict himself or demanded that of him before he went to war. He is basically free to do as he sees fit. I love him regardless and not for his large penis but, for the person he is on the inside. I respect him and his feelings matter to me as much as my own do. I'm grateful for any experience and time we share together. I accept him no matter what his choice may be.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Well- THERE'S your problem


if he is in a military environment, and you are communicating with him via email, then you should realize that phone or written communications implying he might be bi are DANGEROUS.

Not only in that there is a lot of homophoibia towards gay or bi men in the military... and that it is not unusual for men suspect of being gay to not get the level of "backup" that might be needed to keep them alive...

But purely in the sense that ANY communications might be intercepted and any references to being gay or bi can result in immediate discharge.

You need to be sensitive to the particularly hostile attitude in the military toward such questions.


That alone might explain his response.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

pS- NEVER discuss such things via email or the phone.

There is simply not enough information in written language and phone communication to accurately convey your emotional state and reactions.

People generally assume I am angrier or more confrontational than I really am simply because they can not see my body language nor tone of voice in a forum post.

Intimate discussions really need the reassurance of physcial intimacy... or they are likely to be misinterepreted and misunderstood.

 

[B_mylipswet]

Well, if you can't get an honest truthful answer from him...question is: do you want to be with someone who can't be honest with you with who he is? If you are coupled with someone, should there always be unknowns? Are you able to cope with the good and the bad sides of a person? Is he able to deal with your good and bad sides as well? I believe in honesty to a fault.

You are my favorite Invisible man. There is also nobody I know who values honesty as I do, like you.
My answer is yes, and I may not want him if I knew everything. I love the unknowns as well as the knowns. Yes I am able to cope with the good and bad sides. Yes, he does handle my good and bad sides like I never dreamed they could be dealt with. How can I ever thank you for putting it all so well? You are a wonderful one. I am grateful

 

[MarkLondon]

Thank you for your feedback,

Your answer really enlightened me. Ok maybe I am a lady who owes you a favor, perhaps, I may be wrong and pointing fingers due to the fact that others do feel strongly that he may not be straight.
However, who am I to judge another? I really don't have all the facts, his side was never given to me. I was not demanding any answer, he is really free to do as he pleases. I truly love this man and want to share my life with him. So, yes you have helped me to see into this that although his reaction was not understood by me, he still is one man that remains worthy of my devotion. It also taught me a few things about trust. For that I thank you.

Hey, I'm glad you're feeling better about your man. You did sound pissed with him in your OP.

And in view of other recent responses and me now knowing he's in the military it makes even more sense. I think it's a male cameraderie thing. Even the straightest of men needs the affirmation of other males. But in the military it's essential to bond with your comrades to survive, though we don't go as far as the ancient Spartans and put pairs of lovers in the front line (I think).

Modern consciousness of sexuality has threatened that male-bonding thing and paradoxically may be producing generations of isolated, insecure and potentially malfunctioning straight men.

Even if he is Bi, as his woman you need to understand that you are his prime interest, his life-partner, mother of his children, etc. But because he is male he does need more, something outside the home, in the community. That might just be a night at the bar or playing cards with his mates or standing for public office or doing well in his career or fighting for his country. Or even getting his cock admired or sucked by another man once in a while. But whatever avenue he chooses, he'll bring the benefits back home to you. Nowadays there are very few gay men left masquerading as straight. By that I mean men that would rather be shacked up with a man than a woman.

 

[B_mylipswet]

Not only in that there is a lot of homophoibia towards gay or bi men in the military... and that it is not unusual for men suspect of being gay to not get the level of "backup" that might be needed to keep them alive...

Well, in my heart I know a man who makes me give him as many naked photos of myself as he does,and spends almost 2 years and he is still asking for more is not really gay. So that should end all doubt. I know best of all. It's my own fears that caused any doubt in the first place.

 

[D_season 5]

What does it mean if a guy becomes so defensive about a woman questioning him if he's bi when it is clear he is chatting with gay men if he claims he is straight? He told me our relationship is over if I ask him about it again. Ha, I think he was hiding something. What do you have to say. I need to know.

u may not like this answer..however...if he told u he no longer cares to pursue a relationship with you...why then would u want him? and to invade a guys privacy about sexual preference...im sorry, its out of bounds...
i think it would be best to pull out the standard statement...

How he reacts, speaks, thinks and acts upon...is always going to be correct for him...GIVEN THE WAY HE PROCESSES....now for you...
u have two choices...ACCEPT THE WAY HE PROCESSES...and don't bring up anything again in regards to what u have accepted, for to think u should or could change him..violates the true meaning of acceptance..YOUR other choice...MOVE ON...either one u do...will be correct..GIVEN THE WAY U PROCESS...

 

[B_mylipswet]

This is a long term relationship. I like it and I accept! My one and only #1

 

[surferboy]

QFT! IMO, If he's that touchy about you asking questions then he is probably a closet gay and not really bi.

Also, it has been my experience that the bi men on this site come here looking for men, not women. It is after all a large penis site, not a large pussy site. :tongue:

i fully agree auntie. as always, you make good points :biggrin1:

that said, and i know i say it a lot, but i don't believe anyone is 100% straight or 100% gay. it's just that most people don't have the balls (or ovaries :tongue for admit it because of the puritan society we live in

 

[Jl2017]

Maybe he's down about his masculinity and feels more manly by talking to more feminine guys (who happen to be gay).

Plus... What's up with all this BI-sexuals don't exist Bull Shit? It's funny how people can be so black and white... completely ignoring all the Grey areas in sexuality.

Attracted to same gender = gay
Attracted to opposite gender = straight
Attracted to both = Bi

What's so hard to understand about it?

 

[B_mylipswet]

Originally Posted by midlifebear

Your bi guy should leave you immediately and hook up with someone who isn't so intent upon looking for trouble where none exists. Can you spell B I T C H?

My guy is not bi- I totally cleared this issue up with him. Can you spell HARASSED? Well some guys do push themselves on other men even though they say Dude, I am interested in women. Catch my drift DUDE?

 

[B_mylipswet]

She's not exactly being forthcoming herself if she is hunting him down on the internet and pulling at his pud.

Her leading him on in anyway, on the internet with him not knowing who she actually is, is in its own right a level of deception and shows cracks in the relationship.

He is her dominant man. She obeys him yet is caring and simply suggested he was getting admired by many gay men. He knows me for over a year and we are open on most every aspect of our relationship.

PS. I would never accept a man who allows me to hunt him down. He's been the only man that has the talent to handle me it was a one time question. I never intended on having it rule our relationship. His rules are obeyed by me. He leads me and I like it that way.

 

[B_mylipswet]

Maybe he's down about his masculinity and feels more manly by talking to more feminine guys (who happen to be gay).

Plus... What's up with all this BI-sexuals don't exist Bull Shit? It's funny how people can be so black and white... completely ignoring all the Grey areas in sexuality.

Attracted to same gender = gay
Attracted to opposite gender = straight
Attracted to both = Bi

What's so hard to understand about it?

Nothing.

 

[B_mylipswet]

Two women yapping: "Oh Melody, you have such a beautiful body, I sure wish I could get my body in such good shape then my low life husband who watches men pile up on each other in football would take an interst in me the way he does in our gardener's wife."

"It's nothing Cholera. I just eat right, excercise, watch Lifetime television the only station which is all about women and their submissive men."

"Damned right Melody! I was watching last week and looking at that Lacy Lorenthal it struck me how nice her breasts and hair are. Sure wish I could get my lips as full as hers too."

"I know what you mean Cholera. Of course I never had some of those issues, but when I go on the net and see the perfect labia that so many women have, I start wondering if that's why my Abner hasn't been bringing me to orgasm all these years. Good thing I have Helpful Hank my motorized love wand to finish me off."

"Mmm hmmm. That's right Melody. And just so you know, I think you have very nice labia. Say, what do you think of my areolas?"

"They're the perfect size and shaping Cholera and those nipples, why what wom..." groan. "Hold on Cholera, my clearly bisexual husband Cleophus is scratching his crotch again and the hockey game is on. I am so glad I realized he's bisex when I saw him looking at jockstraps last year."


As Cholera listens sympathetically she looks over her husband's shoulder and spies him in a chat room on body building. She realizes he is at least bi and probably boardering on flaming queen when she sees he has asked another man how to firm up the biceps.

Oh my if this was my life and I were a man. I would surely turn gay. MEOW

 

[dale90]

well having worked on holiday camps, i have had a lot of gay friends, and someone even set a rumour that i was gay, because of it, it didnt bother me, because i no in myself im not, so i would think if hes becoming really defensive, then he probaly his!
also to these saying theres no such thing as bisexual, i knew a guy who was, he wasnt a gay in the closet as he preferred women, but was open to the possibility to men.

 

[Canadian.Surfer]

Not to jump in the middle of your conversation, I just wanted to add my 2 cents here. Ive been to clubs before and been hit on by gay guys when they've wanted to get me a drink, went to my uncles wedding reception last year and geez, never been hit on like that before. But it didnt really matter to me, just took it all as a compliment.

Now I know thats different than someone asking you if your gay, but from what I know, apparently gay guys have pretty good gay-dar, so in a way thats kind of like them assuming your gay (atleast thats how I see it) and I didnt have a problem with it, but then again I am a pretty laid back kind of guy, so not a lot can get me riled up.