Men Need Love, Too

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joe22xxx: When we men are young, we think that our value is what we do, how we succeed in our careers, how much pleasure we can give the woman in our lives, and how well we can compete. There's a drive in us to make our place in the world. So our need for love is based on all those accomplishments.

My grandfather told me recently that as a man gets older, he doesn't care about that stuff as much. He realizes that to be loved for who he is is a more satisfying experience. But it takes a long time to get to that place of clarity.

Women seem to start with that need and stay there most of their lives. So maybe it's the women in our lives who can teach us how to be better men. What do you all think?

 

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wvalady1968: I agree.
And vice vera.

 

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headbang8: [quote author=joe22xxx link=board=relationships;num=1035439102;start=20#20 date=10/07/03 at 12:35:03]When we men are young, we think that our value is what we do, how we succeed in our careers, how much pleasure we can give the woman in our lives, and how well we can compete. There's a drive in us to make our place in the world. So our need for love is based on all those accomplishments.

My grandfather told me recently that as a man gets older, he doesn't care about that stuff as much. He realizes that to be loved for who he is is a more satisfying experience. But it takes a long time to get to that place of clarity.

Women seem to start with that need and stay there most of their lives. So maybe it's the women in our lives who can teach us how to be better men. What do you all think?[/quote]

I think Malito said it right when he said that the moment you say "I love you because..." then you've blown it.  Love becomes conditional.   And it shouldn't be.

You are right when you say that women can teach us a lot about unconditional love.  And forget about turning into better men--we'll become better human beings.

That said, it seems fashionable to pour scorn on this male trait; showing our love through what we do, rather than through what we say or how we act.

The urge to give your loved ones a good material circumstance, or to make them as happy as you can, is just as legit a way to show your love as giving them a hug.  

Mind you, let's not forget to do both.

 

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sammygirly: It's true that society scorns what they perceive to be a weak trait in men - that ability to show and be emotional, that ability to show as much love as they get.  It's unfortunate really because there's simply nothing more attractive to me in a strong Man than that particular "weakness".  

It's nice to be with a Man who can give back as good as He gets.  Maximillian is very open about His emotions, and especially relevant here - His feelings for me.  He's never ashamed of it, never hesitates to proclaim it, never apologizes for it.  There's not a day that passes that He doesn't tell me He loves me for no good reason - and it's more than a romantic tactic.  I believe He means it and I believe He needs to hear it from me as much as He needs to say it.  

Simply for that, I give Him my absolute devotion.

It's a two-way street.  Give and you get - that's not conditional, that's equal opportunity and the basis of a healthy human outlook.

One man's weaknesses may just be your woman's strengths ~winks and hops of my soapbox~

 

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rainfletcher: Right on Sammy! (BTW, when are you and Max gonna write a book on how to have a healthy relationship? i want the first signed copy....)

I was actually talking with someone about this the other day.

If a guy comes home from work, puts his feet up, drink a few beers, belch and fart, watch SportsCenter, surf the internet for port, and then come to bed, he cannot expect my girlfriend to be in the mood. That's not fair and it's selfish for me.

I always thought it should be a two way street. If I treat my girlfriend properly, give her baths from time to time, rub her feet when we're watching tv, kiss the back of her neck when I walk through the room (and for no apparent reason), then it all fosters affection on her part. So, when we crawl into bed, her feelings toward me are affectionate, and it fosters the mood, so to speak.

The huge benefit to this, of course, is that the sex is also much better. Shit, I remember when we used to fight about how go to go down on the other person..... We used to make bets, and the winner got 10 minutes....but it was the opposite of what you'd expect. If I won, I'd get to go down on her for 10 minutes etc.

The key is, of course, to do it only because you love the other person, not becuase you want sex later. If it's genuine and unselfish, the other person will know and respond.

 

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SpeedoGuy: [quote author=sammygirly link=board=relationships;num=1035439102;start=20#23 date=10/08/03 at 16:15:56]It's true that society scorns what they perceive to be a weak trait in men - that ability to show and be emotional, that ability to show as much love as they get.  
[/quote]

A good point. But, I confess I confused.

For years I've been reading and hearing so many women say that men are generally too closed up, emotionally unavailable and non-communicative. I've been reminded again and again that men should be more open and honest with themselves and others about their feelings.

Yet observation and experience in real life situations has taught me that men who dare to show much emotion (other than, say, anger or cynicism) will likely be ridiculed as unstable pushovers, not be taken seriously by either other men or women.

In other words, we may profess in public to admire men who are "strong enough" to reveal their loves or fears or worries but I think its more complicated than that. I think a man has to have a reputation for strength established first before he has the latitude to express feelings openly. I certainly just can't afford to break down and express worry or frustration during difficult situations and expect to be taken seriously afterwards.

So I remain confused about what I percieve as a double message directed at men: "You should express more emotion but if you do, don't expect ever to be taken seriously again."

SG

 

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joe22xxx: SpeedoGuy,you said a lot in that last reply. Actually I don't really care what "other girls & guys" think about my emotions or lack of them especially in terms of my relationships. The most important person is the woman I'm involved with & what she feels about me & what I feel about her. I don't give a rat's ass what society or the pop culture tells me about what I should be.

For me I'm slowly learning that many times my first impulse with regard to all emotional reactions is to "act" to make things better. It's only after a while that I can discover what my emotions are in a situation. If I say or do something that hurts my g/f, my first impulse is to try to make the situation better rather than to hear what her feelings are. My male impulse is to act first & feel at a later time. I'm learning how to feel things at the same time I'm experiencing them, but that's difficult for guys to do. I think it's hard-wiring with some of us.

My g/f has a little cool thing she does to me when she thinks I'm getting too lost in the action mode. She plants a big old kiss on my lips. It works real well. I just forget about everything & my defenses & just enjoy the kiss.